As I walk through the gates to Soul Society, I realize that any happiness I could have had is no more. It is no longer a hope or a dream; this, right here, right now, is reality. When I left the Living World, I left my heart and happiness behind.
Why is it always like this for me? Every time I find something that could remotely pacify the sorrow in my heart, it is taken away. It evaporates into thin air…like I just did a few moments ago.
I know that it wasn't meant to be. He is a human after all. But he made me happy every day, and the thought that I might be able to be with him during his life on earth was always the cheer of my soul. Now, there is no more cheer. There is only loneliness, sadness and regret. The loneliness of missing his scowl, the sadness of departing, and my regret of ever having touched his life linger in the recesses of my mind. Thus, this is the price I pay for my life's transgressions. The pain is eternal and the misery is endless.
I have never been needy. I have gone without many of the things that I have needed all of my life. Food, water and warmth have escaped me. But, I learned to live without them. I didn't even know that I needed to love or to be loved until he came along. How I long for the ignorance of that again.
But being ever the pragmatic, I know that this depression is not helping me. I also know that he is where and the way he should be. He is normal with normal living people in a living world. But the sadness is ever present; omnipotent and tenacious.
Though you can no longer see me, I will look after you. I will protect you and the family that you will someday raise. While I had secretly hoped that I would be the one to accept that task at your side, I know that whomever the lucky woman is that you choose is worthy of my loyalty and she shall have it even if it tears my heart in two.
Though you lost your shinigami powers, you still have power. The power to comfort, to love, to be just; these were not things anyone could take from you- they are yours and yours alone.
Since I am not worthy of having my prayers answered, as it has obviously been displayed in my life, I will not pray for me, but for you.
I pray that you live a long and happy life. I pray that all you need and want come to you. I pray that you are safe and warm. I pray that you never know another day of loneliness; that all of the love in the world surrounds you. Though I know you will not remember me eventually, I pray that while you still can, that they are happy memories.
Even if your ears can't hear me, your eyes can't see me and your skin can't touch me, I pray that your heart can still feel me.
Goodbye, you baka. I pray that when memories of me evade you, that you can still feel the love I carry for you in my heart and the confidence I have for you in your heart.
I hope the gods answer my prayers for you.
I love you, Ichigo. Be well.
