Chapter 1
I can't eat. I haven't eaten in a few days. I am not skinny enough. I'm fat and ugly. I think sadly to myself as I walk with my head down, being pushed around. School is hard. Everyone hurts me. I fall, slamming into an ugly white locker.
"Watch where you are going you fat fuck. No one likes you. Why don't you just kill yourself?" a male voice says. I look up, even though I already know who it is. The flash of his expensive clothes and football that always seems to be in his hand.
If only my life was like a movie, where he falls in love with me and we live happily ever after. Sadly, my life isn't a happy love story. He has no heart. He doesn't care about me. I really think he enjoys hurting me. I fight back tears and try to avoid eye contact.
"That's right, you fat bitch, cry. Go cry and cut like the ugly cunt you are."
I whimper but don't cry, he kicks me in the ribs before walking off. I stand up and try to catch my breath as I rush to class. I wipe the unshed tears away and rub my ribs as I slide into my desk just as the bell rings.
This is going to bruise. I think sadly as I rub the spot Hunter kicked. I look around the room, it's a small classroom compared to the others. The desks are bunched together with barely enough room to walk through. The room is our signature colors, white and gold, two walls of each color. The wall is decorated with posters that are falling down even though school just started. Once the teacher stops talking, giving us time to work on homework, I get a note. A small burst of excitement goes through me before it dies. I for some reason thought it was someone trying to be nice but I don't deserve nice things. Why would I be stupid enough to think it was someone being nice to me. I am a pathetic excuse for a person. I open the note and hear giggling behind me as I read it.
I wish you would just kill yourself. You are pathetic and should just die. You would be doing the world a favor if you just killed yourself. You don't deserve food, love, you don't deserve to fucking breathe you fat slut. Chloe, why don't you just die? I can't wait for our "date"
- Your "friend" Arian
Wow, she actually knows my name. Arian is Hunter's girlfriend. She is perfectly skinny. She is right. I think as tears start forming. I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to live. I don't know why I've held on for so long. It's pointless.
I crush the note and shove it in my pocket as I shakily stand. I don't want her to hurt me. She calls it our "date". She is like Hunter. I walk shakily to the teacher, trying not to fall. When I get close to his desk, someone trips me and I land face first as everyone laughs. I finally get to the teacher after many mean comments and whispers about me, and I try to stand and control the shaking in my whole body.
"C-can... M-may I-I g-go t-to th-the b-b-bathroom?" I stutter out.
The teacher looks up from his phone and waves me away, wincing and quickly looking away as he sees who I am. I take that as a yes and I barely avoid falling as I all but run to the bathroom. I start crying as I slam the door to the largest stall. I start digging through my bag, hardly able to see through the tears filling my eyes. I finally find what I am looking for as it slices my finger. I pull out my favorite razor blade. A perfect blade. It originally was part of a box cutter and is perfectly sharp. I quickly pull down the sleeve of the sweater I always wear and take a deep breath. I slice my wrist, not trying to be careful this time.
Maybe I can cut deep enough and I will die. I think as I watch the blood flow, fascinated.
Cutters' high.
It has always been my favorite part of cutting. I sit and watch the blood flow out until the bell rings, signifying the end of class. I swear and wipe the blood off my arm, not bothering to clean the blood on the floor. I pull down my sleeve as I open the door to the bathroom, running straight into Arian.
"What are you doing here you fat bitch?" she says as she glares at me.
"I-I was u-using t-the b-bathroom?" I mumble and look to the ground, hoping she won't do anything this time. Just as I think she is going to leave me alone, she grabs my chin and jerks it up so I am looking at her.
"No one cares about you. We all hate you. Every single fucking one of us." She looks down at my arm before looking back up to me with a sneer on her face, "Did the poor fat bitch cut?" She spits in my face and lets go of me. I try to step away from her when she punches me in the nose. She laughs and then turns to the mirror, signaling that she is done with me, at least for now. Blood drips from my nose and my arm as I walk out of the bathroom. I keep my head down and walk as fast as I can to class. Somehow I manage to get there without any more harm and I sigh as I sit down and wipe the remaining spit from my face.
Just one more class. I think to myself as I sit down. At least this is my favorite class, and it's a bonus that they aren't in it. I just have to wait until after lunch until it starts.
I sit in my desk and read until lunch is over. The teacher pounds on her desk as the bell rings and signs good afternoon. I eagerly sign back and class starts. About halfway through the class, just as we finish reviewing our new learning, she signs that we are going on an adventure. I look up at her, in confusion and fear. She looks at me with kind eyes and signs quietly to me,
"Don't worry, they won't be there. I wish you would let me help, even just to patch you up or to talk. You don't have to do this alone. How bad is it?"
"Don't worry, it's not too bad" I sign back, doing my best to hide my wince as I brush against my new cuts, "And I told you, if I don't go home with back home with some marks, I'll end up with worse ones."
"I know, I still wish I could help-"
I cut her off and sign, "If the police won't help me, you can't. I have made it this far, I can hang on. And hey, as long as I have your class, I won't go insane." I force a smile and she smiles back.
"Okay. And don't worry hun, you'll like our adventure" She hurries to the front of the students eagerly signing to each other trying to figure out where we are going. Eventually, we end up in the music wing. Our teacher waves us towards a classroom full of kids singing. We all crowd in and I stare at the class in awe, tearing up a bit. My teacher starts signing, explaining something as she gives me a knowing smile.
I've never seen anything like this. They are such a community.
Once the choir stops singing, I clap quietly. The choir teacher comes over and talks to us, amazing me with the signing she does to include my teacher. The choir starts talking about the song, not the whispers I am used to. The choir teacher talks to us about the choir and tells us we could join if we want.
"You should join Chloe" My teacher signs quietly to me
"I am scared, I won't fit in"
"Please? Just try out, for me."
"Fiine" I sign back, using a bit of attitude.
My class walks back to our room and I stay behind to try to talk to the teacher. She immediately walks over to me and starts talking to me.
"You want to join the choir? We would love to have you." She smiles invitingly and I search her face for any sign she is faking a smile but I see none.
After a deep breath, I hesitantly say, "S-sure"
"Yay! I'm so glad! We could always use more singers." As she says this, the whole class turns and murmurs in agreement. I look down at the floor and try to stammer out a response but she turns to the class and gives them instructions before I get anything out.
"Discuss what the song means to you and how you can convey that meaning."
She grabs my hand and I try not to freak out as she pulls me towards a room. Above it, I just make out the words "Sink Room" before she pulls me all the way inside and closes the door.
"You need to audition but don't worry, it's just a formality. Whether or not you can sing well doesn't matter, we are just trying to judge your skill level so we can put you with the right group." She starts playing the piano before handing me some sheet music. "Look it over and when you're ready, we can start."
As I look it over, blood continues to drip down my arm. She must not know who I am. She actually looks straight at me. The only teacher who does that anymore is Mrs. Bradley, my ASL teacher.
I tell her I am ready and I start singing, she looks at me with utter amazement for a second before continuing to play. I duck my head down and continue to sing, thinking the worst; but when I look back up at her, I see a strange emotion, pride. I smile at her as she tells me "You are amazing, I'd love to have you in my class. With such an amazing voice, it's a wonder that you haven't joined sooner."
I blush and nod my head, wrapping my sleeve tightly around my arm to help stop the blood flow. The bell rings and I politely say goodbye to her after she tells me that she will try to put me into choir as soon as she can. As I walk out of the large double doors onto the pavement, my music blaring so I can't hear the comments people are making. I get pushed and shoved by several people but manage to stay on my feet. Eventually, I get past the large crowd of people but I whimper as I see Hunter.
I should have known he wouldn't let me leave without saying goodbye. He walks up to me and he glares at me as if I just killed his loved ones. I stifle a whimper as he throws me down to the ground and kicks me. Despite how hard I try, I start crying, my ribs on fire before he finally walks away. I lay on the ground, crying and bleeding everywhere. Hopefully, nothing is broken. I cry out as I get up, glad everyone has all but left.
I look at my watch and swear as I see how late it is. Shit, it's already 2:40?! He is going to kill me. I walk as fast as I can, biting my lip till it bleeds to keep quiet. If only someone would listen. Just one person to help me. I've told teachers and counselors. Fuck, I've even called the cops yet no one helps. They think I am making it up because I am a "child". I am too young to have problems other than what I should wear. Fucking stupid. I don't understand how people can let this happen. "Children" can't go through such horrible things. It's so fucking stupid. They all think I am making it up. They think I am exaggerating it to get attention. Teachers used to talk to me, have me answer questions in school, yet now they can't even look me in the eyes. And I'm the weak one. The only one who tried to help is my ASL teacher, but she can't do anything.
