i take a cigarette and light it up, smoking it. life is making me feel sick inside, and its about to make me puke. the things that happen to me daily... you dont wanna know. you will find out. because as the day goes by, im sitting outside my house in the backyard against the wall. and i hear a door slam shut. my father. i put out the 6th cigarette.

"anthony!" i hear him yell. its already started. im like a little toy. i get into the house, and hes standing at the door, angrily, probably drunk. its already 11 at night, and im tired. but i cant go to sleep. and i havent slept in a while. because im scared to sleep.

"yea?" i ask, shakily. this is where my nerves and thoughts poke in. i should be use to this. getting beat up by the man who calls himself my father. sometimes, im so scared it might escalate to something else. because lately, its been getting worse. it use to be only yelling and name calling. but now, its blaming me, and hitting me, and pushing me around. i live like this every day when i get home from school and in the weekends. i have no where to go.

"i got a call from your teacher, she was worried about you.-" he says stepping up to me and looking at me menacingly. "You better fucking watch out! i fucking told you that you have to shut your fucking mouth!" he yells, and i step back a little.

"i swear i didnt say anything!" i say back. i didnt say anything. i didnt. he grabs my wrist, and pushes me to the wall fiercly, i let out a whimper because of the pain that hit my body. he slaps my face, and kicks my stomach. i just want to fall to tears for the millionth time.

"i have to do something about this! DO I?"

"n..no" i reply, please do not do anything else to me. im so tired and weak.

"will you fucking shut up!" he slaps me and my knees give out, i fall to the cold tile floor. a few seconds later he grabs me, and im like a puppet. tears fall from my face, and im afraid to show this weakness.

"stop crying you fag!" he yells. i close my eyes and shake, and he takes my wrists, and i feel him wrap something thats hurting me around them. hes tying me up by my wrists and i scream and refuse. whats going on? why cant he leave me alone? why is this happening? what is going to happen to me? i just wish i could get out of this. i wish this would never happen. i wish.

my wrists are tied in back of me, and they are hurting as i move, because the rope is plastic and its rubbing against my skin. he takes off his pants and i struggle as i realize what is happening. he hasnt spoken, and he grabs me and pushes me against the wall, kneeling down. i feel so invaded as he takes off my pants and im crying and sobbing.

"leave me the fuck alone!" i get the courage to yell at him, and he ties the bottom of my legs together at my ankles. he grabs my head by my hair and brings it to his dick. tears stream down my face, and he tells me to suck him, and when i dont, i get kicked in the stomach and i yell. he shoves his thing in my mouth and i choke. i cry as i.. as i.. give my father a blowjob. you do not understand this emotional pain. this is the first time, this has ever happened.

he pulls himself out of my mouth, and he pushes me to the cold floor, i cry. he tapes my mouth and he gets on me, and its horrible because i think he is going to.. going.. to rape me. and this is the worst thing that has ever happened. i want to die. i want to kill myself, and he does. i hurt so much, and when hes done with me, he leaves me there, without saying a word, he goes into his room with some booze.

the ties are loose from me pulling them, and my wrists and ankles are red and bleeding. my whole body hurts. my stomach has a big bruise, and my arms are scratched, and i have a split lip and a black eye. i stay on the floor for a moment, crying a bit and i get up and take the tape off my mouth. i head slowly upstairs to my room, where i step into the bathroom, and i get in the shower.

i cry against the wall and i turn on the hot water, cleaning myself with the sponge, and so much soap. i feel so disgusting. i feel so horrid, so gross. the bruise on my stomach hurts every time i touch it, and i kneel in the bathtub, thinking whats going to happen to me next.

a few minutes later of being under the running water, i get out of the shower and put a tshirt and jeans and i dry my hair. with out even thinking, i open my window and i panic. i climb out through the tree, and i walk out of the house area, in the night at 1:30 am.