Summary: Kazuki is dealing with both sides of an unrequited love. The emotions he feels for Juubei, and the feelings Toshiki has for him. It's overwhelming and he's at wits end with Juubei and his stubborn upbringing.
Warnings: Slight BL, no actual sex, but lots of adult situations, violence and language. Changing POV
Broken Circle
Pt 1: Kazuki
There was so little love in his eyes the last time I saw them.
Juubei had only anger, sadness, and the desperate plea to be forgiven in his eyes before he closed them. He wanted me to leave him for dead after that. There was no love, even if it was hidden away so deep, but that's what people do. Even Himiko, who hid her crush so well that the only thing that gave her away was her body language.
There is love in Toshiki's eyes, adoration and desire and he is glad Juubei cant see it. It makes me... uncomfortable, but I hide it so well when he touches me, even when he doesn't mean it to be sensual, I can feel the heat and passion radiating from him.
His affections are so obvious, but deep down, he sees me like he always had, as someone who was weaker than him, like a woman.
Then again, no one really does see me as a man. The girls who insist I shop with them, or Ban who becomes pretty open minded when he sticks his hands down my pants. All because I dont dress like them. I dont even dress like a woman!
Uueehhh... I need to get my mind off of stupid things, like stupid Ban, I couldn't imagine if I had ever ended up sleeping with him, that had been the most regretful thing I had to debate in my life.
I frantically ran my hands through my long, thin and limp hair along my scalp. I have totally lost my entire track of mind. Juubei sat next to me on the subway, the only other living person here. I want to say something, but I cant trust my tone to keep it simple with him. Just the slightest bit of emotion he will immediately pick up on and if it is stressed, as I am now... he will question.
"Kazuki-san?" I heard him say flatly. I guess I didnt have a choice now.
I winced slightly, hating that royalty he had assigned to my name, so I retorted, hiding my irritation the best I could. "Kakei-chan?" I replied with a sweet smile and inflection, take that..
He was a bit taken aback by my reply. Of course, that in itself was going to raise question.. "Are you well?" he asked all to formally.
"Fine.. just thinking." I wanted to add, 'too much.'
"Ah.." he said, getting the hint that I didn't feel like talking anymore.
I wish things weren't as formal as he made them, I had worked so hard on making things between us less stuffy. I wanted to rekindle the years right after we met, I wanted to pick that up and smile with him again. Even when he stayed behind after the disastrous fight that took his eye sight.
I guess though, I was the one to blame in the end. I left without saying a word, I let Juubei stay. When Toshiki came along, I had wanted him and Juubei to start over, for us to be a family again. However, despite my role as a leader, I could not control them. Toshiki's affection was more than platonic, but I didnt love him in that way.
I wanted Juubei to see me as Toshiki had, however unlike Toshiki, Juubei had the mindset of protecting me, doing everything for me because that was his role from birth. Toshiki was free from any role like that.
I wanted Juubei, because he was my everything, he was my dearest friend, he was at a time my greatest enemy, and now, I wanted him to be more.
Ban was right, I would make a better woman, his teasing about my gender identity were true. I would do better, and maybe, Juubei would find less resistance had we been given bodies that fit correctly. We could even have a family, and a normal life.
I bent forward, lightly brushing my shoulder against his as I put my head between my knees, feeling strangely sick.
I was frustrated, stressed and getting overheated, another panic induced fever.. the bane of my existence. The train sounded finally and started to slow down.
"Please wait until the train comes to a complete stop before moving towards the exit, thank you for riding with us today, have a nice day." came over the intercom as the train slowed to a stop. "The doors are now open, please let passengers exit the tram before entering." came next as we stood up and left.
Was the resentment in his eyes, meant for me? Did he look up at me and wish he could love me. He had once, or at least I thought that's what it was. Pretended it was.
We walked, and I ignored some of the looks I had gotten by random delinquent school girls who more envied Juubei. Most of them only looked at me to get a second glance, wondering if the slight curve of my hip made me a woman, or the flatness of my chest made me male. Sometimes he would grab the back of my arm, blind to what was going on around him and have me lead. Never my hand.
Why am I so selfish?
Juubei was quiet, as usual as we headed down into the lower town. It was a dull day, and I just wanted to get in and lay down. That feeling of being overheated was coming back and making me tired, irritable and irrational.
We walked inside the temporary home that I shared with him. Juubei left on occasion when Toshiki overstayed his welcome. I slipped into the bedroom without a word, nearly in tears from how much I just wanted to lash out at him, yell and scream that I wanted him. I hated him at the same time, how much I was tired of our destined roles and how sick I was feeling.
He didn't follow me into the room like I wanted him to. He didn't put his hands on my shoulder's and pull me into him like Toshiki had.
He didn't grind his hips into my bottom like Ban had, wrapping his arms and even jokingly fondle me between my legs.
I grabbed a pillow, frustrated and depressed from how much I was being torn in half by my own indecisive mind.
I was just as much to blame. I knew it too. If I wanted to I could touch him, gently in the places I knew made his skin shiver.
But the resentment, the cold anger I had seen in his eyes before he shut them... it burned me every time I touched him. Even at the hot spring, it was so hard, and he left me there by myself. Not returning to the room at all after. He gave up, and even when I asked him he had used that cold, flat voice to tell me exactly how he felt towards me.
"I cant protect anyone, I cant make anyone happy!" he had yelled, "Not even you, I cant relax and be the person I was, I betrayed you, and I let everyone including our houses down! I cant protect you, MacubeX or Sakura, I am useless to everyone."
That scene replayed in my mind over and over. Even after Toshiki had returned, it seemed like the rift between us had been growing even more, that sitting a few inches apart, we were still spiritually thousands of miles away.
There was a knock at the door, and I pulled away from the pillow and my tone showed my exasperation. "Come in." I said.
Juubei came in, holding some tea in one hand and his other curled around what I guessed was some pills for my growing fever.
But... I hadn't mentioned it..
"You are warm.. take something for it before sleeping, you will feel better after you get some rest." he said, in the best 'caring' tone he could muster I guess.
"I am fine." I said and only took the tea from him.
"OK."
I didnt know if it was him just being nice, or just being dumb. I watched him as he slipped the pills into his own mouth, one by one, laying them on his tongue. Then slowly closing his mouth. Was he sick? I was about to feel bad for my stupid temper but with a fluid motion that only those in the art of needle fighting were capable of he took the tea from my hands and held my wrists tightly as he crawled over me. Without needing a map his strong jaw pressed against mine and in the surprise of it all I felt his mouth on mine.
I melted against his lips and suddenly like an eruption I was happy.
However the reality hit me just as hard, i could feel his tongue against mine, and the sweet coating of the medicine being forced to the back of my mouth.
He pulled away just as quickly and cupped a hand over my mouth so I couldn't spit them out. I had no other choice than to swallow them.
My face and body were heated, from something other than a fever.
"Forgive me.." he said finally and stood up to leave. He slid my door open and left without a word and closed it back.
I laid there on the bed, tears now falling from frustration. I ached from anger and frustration, so badly that I felt like falling apart. There was nothing that made me happy about what he had just done, it killed me more than anything. How could I be so foolish, he'd done this several times, and after the first time back when we were barely teens, it was the first semblance of love I had felt.
I closed my eyes and grabbed the teacup and after a slow drink to push the pills down more I threw the rest of the contents at the wall, another teacup broken.
Hope you enjoyed!
Next Time:
I sat on the outside chair, slouched in the seat limp and sore. I could feel the sting of blood as it dripped down. I could feel the cool wind and hear the sound my blood made as it hit the ground.
