Oh, Henry!
Oh, Henry!
Written by Tia Glomb
2016
724.713.0997 tiaglomb
SCENE
This should be acted as a filming of a TV show, putting the historical figures into a modern setting. Actors and actresses should break the fourth wall and overact to cajole reactions from the audience. "LAUGH" and "APPLAUSE" etc. cards should either be held up by stage crew or projected at the appropriate times.
The living room of a wealthy family. A wingback chair, couch, and an end table. The classic portrait of Henry VIII should be displayed somewhere, if only in an 8x10 frame. If possible, projected on a backscreen as an overlarge piece of art. Entrance to the kitchen SR and hall to the bedrooms SL.
CHARACTERS
Henry – Early 40's, dressed in an impeccable suit. He is commanding and boisterous, the star of the show. A successful businessman who runs a tight ship. He loves his wife, but is growing suspicious of her as of late. He has a wandering eye, but is being faithful to his marriage. At the moment.
Anne – Mid 30's, wearing a functional, but practical dress. She is sharp of wit and sharp of tongue, and pretends to be happy running the domestic end of things. She loves Henry and is completely faithful to him, but despises his ex-wife and daughter.
Mary – Henry's daughter, 17-18 years old, dressed modestly in all black. She wears a cross and a diamond bracelet. She loves her father but does not get along with Anne. Headstrong, she will take every opportunity to call out her new stepmother.
Voice Over – A prerecorded voice
Intro music plays: "Greensleeves" (Pretty Instrumental Version)
Lights up on ANNE, who is straightening the living room.
VOICE OVER
"Oh Henry" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Anne is straightening the room. She adjust the picture frame, staring lovingly at it.
Henry
(Entering from the bedroom.) Anne, have you seen my cufflinks?
:: APPLAUSE ::
HENRY smiles and nods at the audience.
ANNE
No, Henry. Where did you have them last?
HENRY
If I knew I wouldn't be asking. It just seems that as of late all my jewelry has gone missing.
ANNE
(Stalking around the room.) Why don't you ask Katherine? She's been doing nothing but hoarding jewelry.
HENRY
Anne, that's not fair!
ANNE
Fine. Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe you left them at the office.
HENRY
Maybe. Anne, will you sit down? What are you doing, anyway?
ANNE
(Moves towards the chair.) I'm trying to clean and organize this place, Henry.
HENRY nods and begins to pace. ANNE sits in the chair.
ANNE
The maid called in sick today and I know how much you like the house clean, so I'm trying to-
HENRY
(Turns and balks.) Anne! That's my chair!
Anne jumps up like something bit her.
HENRY
If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, do not sit in my chair.
Anne
I'm sorry! I just... you told me to sit…
HENRY
(Talking over her) You know I don't like anyone sitting in my chair. A man's home…
ANNE / HENRY
…is his castle.
HENRY
And that chair is like a throne.
ANNE
I thought that was the toilet.
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE
I am sorry about sitting in your chair. (She hugs him.) Forgive me?
HENRY
Only because I love you so much. (He kisses her forehead) But you really must stop losing your head if we're going to make this marriage work.
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE
Oh Henry!
:: APPLAUSE ::
ANNE
But why do you need your cufflinks? Where are you going on your day off?
HENRY
Nowhere. I just couldn't find them and I need them for work on Monday.
ANNE
Well I'm sure they'll turn up.
(Henry turns and studies the picture of himself.)
ANNE
Henry…
HENRY
You know, this happens to be my favorite picture.
ANNE
Speaking of jewelry, can I ask you something? (She sits on the couch.)
HENRY
I look quite dashing in it, don't I?
ANNE
Of course, dear. I'm so glad we went to that Renaissance Faire last month.
HENRY
We should go again. I don't mind being treated like royalty.
:: LAUGHTER ::
HENRY
But what was it you were going to ask me? (He sits.)
ANNE
Well, it's just that… I was wondering if the lawyer made any headway with the possessions from your divorce. Has Katherine agreed to give back the diamonds yet?
HENRY
(Sighs in frustration.) No, she hasn't. She's insisting they're hers and that she has every right to them. I think she wants to leave them to Mary.
ANNE
Leave them to that ungrateful little brat?
HENRY
That's my daughter you're talking about, Anne. Besides, do you really want to wear Katherine's diamonds?
ANNE
That's not the point, Henry! She agreed to give you back certain things, and by god she does not need those baubles. And what about…
HENRY
And speaking of my daughter…
ANNE
What about your little princess?
HENRY
She's coming over for dinner tonight.
ANNE
(Jumping to her feet.) Henry! I need more warning than this! I'm not prepared at all.
HENRY
So set an extra place, it's not that difficult, woman.
ANNE
You don't understand, do you? (Sinks back down.) I'll have to go out to the store. I don't think there's enough of anything to cook for three of us.
HENRY
Weren't you just at the store yesterday?
ANNE
Yes. But I was getting paper products, not food.
HENRY
You've been going out a lot.
ANNE
So what?
HENRY
You tell me. You've been spending a lot of time with your friends lately.
ANNE
What's wrong with having friends?
HENRY
Nothing, if they're women.
(There is a stare down.)
ANNE
I can't believe you think… I'm a married woman, Henry. I am not seeing other men. Besides, if you really thought that, that I would not be completely faithful to our vows, why did you marry me?
HENRY
Because of the baby.
ANNE
No doubt. Look, Henry…
HENRY
And because I love you. I do. I just don't want there to be any secrets between us, that's all.
ANNE
There aren't. I promise. Please stop being paranoid.
HENRY
I just don't want another broken marriage. It's hard on the children. And on me.
ANNE
(Decides it's best to relent.) I love you.
HENRY
And I love you. (He kisses her.)
:: AWWWWW ::
HENRY
Anne?
ANNE
Yes?
HENRY
Since you're going out…
ANNE
Yes…
HENRY
…could you pick me up a few of my favorite chocolate bars, please?
ANNE
Oh Henry!
:: APPLAUSE ::
HENRY
And Anne, make sure you get the king sized bars this time.
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE
Yes, dear. But, I need to go and get back. What time is Mary coming?
HENRY
Six.
ANNE
I should have known! It's always six in the end.
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE
(Gets up) I should go then. I'll be back later. Will you be alright while I'm gone?
HENRY
I'll watch my stories.
ANNE
And which ones are on today, pray tell?
HENRY
"One Wife Will Live" and "The Young and the Headless."
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE exits through the kitchen, blowing HENRY a kiss. Presumably, she leaves via the back door. HENRY gets up and sneaks over, listening for her to go. Crossing the room, he pulls a bag of mini chocolate bars out from behind a couch cushion. He holds one up.
:: Oh, Henry! ::
Lights to half.
VOICE OVER
"Oh Henry" is brought to you by the candy bar of the same name, which we can't actually mention by name because of trademark laws. Pick some up at your local supermarket today.
Lights to black. HENRY moves to his chair. ANNE and MARY take their spots on opposite sides of the couch. Lights up to full. MARY is holding one wrist, hiding what she is wearing. There is palpable tension.
HENRY
See? Isn't this nice?
MARY
Yes, nice. I love coming over here to see you, Father.
ANNE
And me?
MARY
So, where's little Elizabeth?
ANNE
She's with my parents.
MARY
Of course she is. (Sweetly.) Father, are you sure the Boleyns are good role models for your daughter?
HENRY
Why wouldn't they be?
MARY
I'd hate to say anything bad about Anne's family…
HENRY
She's your stepmother, you should call her mom.
ANNE
She can call me whatever she wants, as long as it isn't mom.
MARY
Don't give me that much leeway, Anne. (She leans back into the cushion, rustling whatever is behind it. She pulls out the bag of candy.)
ANNE / MARY
Oh, Henry!
:: LAUGHTER ::
HENRY
Give those here, Mary.
MARY tosses HENRY the bag.
ANNE
Why did you have me buy more when you still have a bag?
HENRY
I don't have to justify myself to you. Katherine never questioned my sweet tooth.
ANNE
Or your wandering eye?
MARY
Says the woman who broke up my parents' marriage.
HENRY
And how is Katherine?
MARY
She's struggling to get by on the remnants you left in her bank account after you divorced her for this immoral hussy.
HENRY
That's not how you should be talking to your stepmother, Mary.
MARY
I refuse to call another woman 'mother'. Mark me, Anne: Someone else will come along and steal your thunder just like you did my mother's. (She gestures at ANNE to drive home her point.)
HENRY
Mary…
ANNE
What's that you're wearing?
MARY
Nothing…
ANNE
It looks like my diamond bracelet.
MARY
It's my mother's bracelet. (She gets up and backs away.)
HENRY
Anne… Mary… Let's talk about something more pleasant.
ANNE
I'm surprised your mother hasn't pawned it, if she's as broke as you've said.
MARY
She wouldn't… Not this, it's my inheritance.
ANNE
Inheritance? (She gets up and moves towards Mary.) Well, if you have that now, it would imply your mother was dead. When did she go?
HENRY
Anne! That's quite enough.
MARY
She wants my mother dead! You heard her!
ANNE
Katherine won't give me what's mine!
MARY
You sound like a spoiled child!
HENRY
Pot calling the kettle black, Mary.
MARY
You've taken enough from my family and I won't stand for it. You've corrupted my father and lead him down the path of sin. He's grown indifferent to my mother's suffering, getting you pregnant before the divorce was even finalized.
:: OOOOOH ::
MARY
When was the last time you or he went to church? You're going to corrupt Elizabeth too, I just know it.
ANNE
Why does everything with you always come back to religion? All Catholicism propagates is suffering.
HENRY
And we're still spiritual, Mary. I'm actually creating my own religion. Soon I'll be Supreme Head of the Church of… whatever I decide to name it.
MARY
(Dramatically falls onto the couch.) Lord have mercy on your soul, Father. What has she done to you?
HENRY
I'd tell you, but I don't think you want those images in your head.
MARY crosses herself.
:: LAUGHTER ::
MARY
Seriously Father… She's not a good woman. She's done horrible things.
ANNE
What are you going on about now?
MARY
I didn't want to say anything, but I have heard rumors that Anne is cheating on you.
ANNE
Not this again.
HENRY
What have you heard?
MARY
Just know that I'm only saying this because I don't want to see you hurt, Father. I was told that Anne is seeing other men, six of them.
ANNE
What is it with the number six? This is a load of…
HENRY
(Interrupting) Where did you hear this?
MARY
Who I heard it from is not what's important.
ANNE
Not important? I don't even get a chance to defend myself against my accusers?
MARY
So you admit it?
ANNE
No! I've done nothing wrong.
HENRY
Well these accusation have to of come from somewhere.
MARY
Some of them are so bad I can't even bring myself to admit out loud. (Two beats.) I heard that Anne is sleeping with George!
:: SHARP GASP ::
ANNE
What!? Someone accusing me of sleeping with… I can't even! My own brother?
:: SHARP GASP ::
ANNE
Has everyone gone mad? Henry, you can't believe this!
HENRY
Six men, Anne?
ANNE
No! One. Just one: you! I am not cheating on you!
HENRY
But why would Mary lie?
ANNE
She said it was just hearsay. Someone is slandering me and you don't care.
HENRY
Of course I care. I want to know if this is true.
ANNE
It's not. I won't stand for this; I want you out of my house, you wicked girl!
MARY
Want's wrong, can't handle the truth?
HENRY
(HENRY wipes at his brow with his sleeve.) If only there was a conveniently placed distraction to pull me out of the middle of this cat fight!
His phone rings.
:: LAUGHTER ::
HENRY
(He picks up.) Hello? Well, Jane Seymour, as I live and breathe, this is a surprise. What can I do for you, my dear? Your father and brothers want to discuss a new merger with me? Interesting. Well, you know what they say about the third time. (He laughs). Why yes,I would love to have a completely professional, no strings attached, business meeting over a late lunch. Next Tuesday at 3pm? I'll be there with bells on.
ANNE / MARY
Oh Henry!
:: LAUGHTER ::
ANNE
And I'm the one accused of cheating? Really?
Lights to half.
VOICE OVER
Is Anne really cheating? Will Henry ever go back to church? Is he already looking for a new mistress? Also, where are Henry's cufflinks and will Mary give back the diamonds? And who will get their just desserts? All of this and more on next week's installment of "Oh Henry!"
Outro music: "Greensleeves" (Rock Version)
Lights down.
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