To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: mlawson(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: E-mail list

To all crew members of the Normandy SR-2,

In the interests of improving the time-efficiency of our daily briefings and senior officer meetings, I have set up this e-mail list for all Normandy crew members. Please use this list for any questions or announcements that are non-urgent but nevertheless require the attention of other crew members.

Miranda Lawson
Senior Cerberus Operative, Lazarus Cell
Executive Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: gvakarian(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: E-mail list

So not only are we all going to die in a suicide mission, but now we're going to have to read another hundred e-mails every day? Just great.

Garrus


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jtaylor(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: E-mail list

Don't worry, Garrus, it's just for announcements and questions. I'm sure everyone will keep it to a minimum.

Jacob


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: msolus(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: E-mail list

excellent idea. good for maximizing communication efficiency. plus, excess e-mails useful as mental exercise. own reading speed presently up to 20 e-mails per minute.

depends on content, of course. if scientific literature, perhaps only 10. maybe 15. further trials required.

mordin


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kdonnelly(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Check out this message from Miranda

Gabby,

Is it just me or is Miranda getting even more uptight? I mean, now we have to use an e-mail list to make daily briefings more "time-efficient"? Sad to say, but those briefings are one of the few things to break up the monotony when we're flying back and forth between mass relays.

Ken

(forwarded message follows)


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: gdaniels(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Check out this message from Miranda

Kenneth,

You do realize you sent that to the entire list, right?

Gabriella Daniels
Engineer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jmoreau(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: E-mail list

Any chance we could get EDI to use this list to nag me about another 426 things every day, instead of doing it out loud?

Joker


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: edi(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: E-mail list

Sending repeated text notifications to a crew member well within earshot of my audio projection capabilities hardly seems like an efficient use of the Normandy's resources, Mr. Moreau.

Enhanced Defense Intelligence
Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: rgardner(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Maintenance update

Hey all,

Just wanted to let you all know that the garbage disposal output feed in the crew quarters is up and working again.

Rupert Gardner
Mess Sergeant, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: phawthorne(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Maintenance update

So you have it hooked up to the food dispenser like you normally do?

Paul Hawthorne
Junior Security Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: rgardner(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Maintenance update

Har-dee-har-har.

Rupert Gardner
Mess Sergeant, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: gvakarian(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Excessive e-mails

Jacob,

See what I mean?

Garrus


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: msolus(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

curious at use of e-mail list to complain of excessive e-mails. seems only to add to problem. inefficiency multiplied by factor of at least 1.37, according to best estimate.


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: ehadley(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

Seriously. Anybody with nothing better to do than e-mail this list to complain about too many e-mails needs to go get a life.

Eric Hadley
Secondary Navigation Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jmatthews(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

Uh-huh – and what exactly are YOU doing, smart guy?

James Matthews
Secondary Navigation Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kgoto(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

"Anyone with nothing better to do than write in and complain about all the people complaining about people with nothing better to do than write in and complain…." LOL!

Kasumi Goto
Infiltrator and Thief Extraordinaire


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: gvakarian(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

: sigh :

Garrus


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: grunt(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

It occurs to me that a well-timed and properly phrased threat of violence is often effective in these sorts of situations. Commander Shepard, perhaps it would help if I promise to dismember anyone who sends excessive messages to the list? I was thinking I might threaten to rip off an arm or leg, though I could limit it to just a few fingers for the first offense if you'd prefer.


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: ashepard(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Excessive e-mails

Grunt – no, that's quite all right.

Though, Garrus does have a point – let's try and just use this list for matters that actually affect the rest of the crew, OK?

Amanda Shepard
Commanding Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kchambers(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Provisions

I think we're about out of oranges in the snack bar on Deck 3. I don't know if we'll be stopping by the Citadel, or Illium, or :shudder: Omega any time soon, but if we are, maybe somebody could pick some more up?

Kelly Chambers
Yeoman, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: rgardner(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Provisions

What? We just restocked the oranges last week – how the hell can we be out of them again already?

Rupert Gardner
Mess Sergeant, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jmoreau(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Provisions

I wonder if the fact that we have a self-proclaimed "thief extraordinaire" on board could have anything to do with it….

Joker


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kgoto(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Provisions

Oh please, I don't even like oranges. Besides, these days I live for the challenge. Why bother stealing food when I could be working on hacking Miranda's transmissions to the Illusive Man?

Kasumi Goto
Infiltrator and Thief Extraordinaire


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kgoto(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Provisions

Um…hypothetically speaking, that is.

Kasumi Goto
Infiltrator and Thief Extraordinaire


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kdonnelly(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Deck 3 concern

Is anyone going to do something about the updog smell on Deck 3?

Ken


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: tkrios(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

I admit that I have been absorbed in my meditations, but I have not noticed any unusual smell on Deck 3.

Thane


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jtaylor(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

Don't worry, Thane, I'm not sure what he's talking about either. Ken, where exactly have you noticed this?

Jacob


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: samara(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

Perhaps this is a slang term with which my code precludes familiarity. What is "updog," if I may ask?

Samara


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: echakwas(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

I haven't noticed anything either. Mr. Donnelly, feel free to stop by the medical bay if you'd like me to do a quick check for olfactory disorders.

Dr. Ellen Chakwas
Chief Medical Officer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: kdonnelly(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

Samara wrote:

"What is "updog"?"

Not much, dawg! What's up with you?

Ken


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: tzorah(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

Um...that joke isn't really that funny in the written word.

Tali'Zorah vas Neema


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: gdaniels(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: Re: Deck 3 concern

Tali, you're being generous. It isn't really that funny, period.

Gabriella Daniels
Engineer, Normandy SR-2


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: jack(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Subject: "updog"

Donnelly,

Waste my time with stupid bullshit like that again and I'll rip your head off with a warp field.


To: crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org
From: tos(at)cerberus-org
Subject: user suspended

This is an automated notification from the Cerberus Terms of Service (TOS) VI. As subscribers of crew-list(at)normandy-cerberus-org, you are hereby informed that the privileges of a list subscriber have been revoked due to a recent TOS infraction. Details follow.

User: jack(at)normandy-cerberus-org
Infraction: Death threat of insufficient relevance to present assignment
Action taken: User's Cerberus e-mail privileges suspended for 10 days
Follow-up: None required