Arrivederci
I feel that words could never truly explain just how much you mean to me. I feel as though this is all some God-awful dream, a nightmare, a night terror.
Lovely words can never express how dear you are to me, how very much I need you, and how very much I love you. I feel so alone though others are still here, with me on the bridge. We cross this rickety bridge, trying to juggle every little part of our lives. One of my balls fell beyond my reach, lost to the vast darkness waiting below.
Of all the things to happen in this world and of all the people it could happen to, somehow it became your fate. All the 'what ifs' in the world can't change this, but it will, so, take time before I accept this.
Very few people stayed with me at Crazy Camp, you are one. We met, bonded, and damned if the glue wears off now. You have been, and always will be, the one who can understand best exactly how psychotic that Place was. You said I saved your life this past summer, you saved my sanity.Every waking moment, each passing second, feels unreal. It feels like a cosmic joke, like some hidden camera show, where at any time now everyone will jump out and laugh at the Great One pulled on me. But I know, deep in my heart, in my stomach where this dead weight is sitting, in my throat where a giant lump is lodged, this is no joke.
You are such a dear friend, I can't imagine going on without you. You became friends with me friends despite your fears. You had been doing so well, balancing everything so perfectly, but it still came crashing down on you. I can only wish, knowing it will do no good, that I had been there to help you catch the boxes before they fell beyond your reach.
Of all the people who have passed through my life, and of those who even stayed, you have left the most lasting impression. You planted those seeds, the ones that will grow no matter what is done to the soil in which, even right as I write this, they are taking root. When those flowers bloom in the spring, I'll probably cry again.
Understand that anything I say or anything I do will ever capture what I feel for you. I wish I had been on the bridge right at your side, to help you juggle the boxes, to help you find your Zone where you only focus on catching them. I never knew I had this many tears, that I could feel so much pain. And though the tears stream down my face, cloud my sight, I must focus on catching these damned boxes as I continue to walk across this hurtful at times and joyful at others bridge. One day I will reach the end, and on that day we will go for ice cream together, and maybe, if I'm not pissed off at Him, He will join us. Until that time comes always know this:
I LOVE YOU
---- x ----
Saturday, 13 November 2004, 12:01 a.m.
