Watermelon Girl

By Ron Dow75

Ranma was dressed like somebody out of a Tarzan movie,

Jane. In her leopard-skin one-piece she called out to her

husband as she bore their youngest child strapped to her

back, "Lunchtime, dearest!"

In his matching trunks, Kunou walked over slowly.

"We've been stuck on this island so many years...we're

lovebirds in paradise, right?" He put an arm over

Ranma's shoulder as they admired their four children.

"I'm so blissful," she said...

///

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" girl-Ranma

screamed!

She looked around, Where IS he!?!! She was ready to

slap Kunou silly.

Then she realized, slap?? Why would a martial artist

JUST slap? Why would a GUY slap!?

While she was examining her open hand, the panda

smacked her with the back of its paw.

She came up from her roll, to demand, "Why'd you

do...." She finally realized that it had been a dream.

Now, it was night. They were in a real inn, something

that didn't happen much. They usually slept out. If they

made too much noise, they would be asked to leave.

Trust Pop to be more concerned about that than what

CAUSED her outburst.

It didn't help HER feel better knowing that Kunou was

the one picking up the tab.

She got up, and out to the 2nd story balcony. She

jumped out.

///

Girl-Ranma walked the beach under the moonlight alone.

She put her hands up to her biceps (pressing her chilled

boobs together) and wished she had brought a coat. At

least a long-sleeved shirt. Hot water would've helped!

Girls were more sensitive to cold than guys. He'd learned

that firsthand.

She was turning around to go back inside, when she saw

Watermelon Island. Even under the dim light it LOOKED

like a watermelon bobbing above the sea. But more to the

point, it was a deserted island with NOTHING but

watermelons growing on it. That is why it had become the

best place to train for the legendary "Kendo Watermelon

Technique". And the price everybody had mastered it

was amnesia.

Like Kunou. The samurai idiot had whacked HIMSELF on

the head with his own sword when one of the watermelons

he'd rigged to fall had landed on it. Ranma shuddered,

and this time not from the breeze coming off of the

ocean. The jerk had become an even bigger pain when he

DIDN'T know her! What restraint he HAD had was gone. He

was willing to go as far as to challenge her, "Date me or

die!" When she'd tried to escape, she ended up on that

island by herself with Kuno with nothing but her

swimsuit, and no hot water. Her only weapons against the

now (she'd thought) formidable swordsman were watermelons

and boulders. It was just Ranma's luck that a watermelon

had come back and conked her unconscious.

And that was when she first had that dream, of being

the trapped on that island, Eve to his Adam, mother of

their kids.

The dream hadn't ended there; it'd come back. What did

they say about dreaming of the same thing three times?

"I'm NOT gonna sleep," she swore.

///

...The man put an arm over Ranma's shoulder as they

admired their children.

"I'm so blissful," she said...

The nightmare was interrupted by, "Ranma, Wake up!

What are you doing out here?"

Ranma opened her eyes to see Akane, and then the

Kasumi. The eldest sister called to the rest of the

Tendous, "Akane's found Ranma!" They were all in beach

robes and swimsuits, carrying their beach bags. Though

there was still a chill in the early morning air, they

wanted to make the most of their last day at the resort.

Again, it took an adjustment to get away from that

horrible dream. She'd actually fallen asleep standing up,

leaning against one of the kissaten (tea & coffee houses)

along the beach. That's right, after jogging around and

doing her katas, she'd thought about breaking in and

buying enough caffeine to keep a horse awake. ...And

drinks were yet another thing girls reacted more strongly

to.

Kasumi said, "Oh, my. Where did you find what you're

wearing, Ranma?"

Ranma looked down at the beach coverall she was

wearing, "Somebody threw it away. It's warm, so as long

as I'm a girl, I don't care what it looks like." In

keeping with the theme of the area, it had large

watermelon on it, below her bust.

Nabiki said, "Perhaps you should, Ranma."

Akane, now, saw what her sisters were talking about,

"No wonder the woman who was given that as a gift threw

it away: That's a maternity dress! What woman wants to be

reminded her belly will grow as big as a watermelon!?"

Ranma did the pose as she stammered, "Ma, ma,

maternity...!" And she'd had the same dream THREE times!!

No! Technically the last one WASN'T the same one! The

man in it hadn't BEEN Kuno, but some other, unknown guy

being the father of her children. So it wasn't going to

come true, WAS it!!

Nabiki snickered, "That's some reaction you have

there."

Ranma reasserted her dignity, "So WHAT if it is, what

you say it is. I just need a belt or something to make a

waist, and anybody's gonna know." She actually wanted a

girl's narrow waist? It was better than having the

alternative for a girl.

Before the sisters could say anything, their father

was speaking, "Ranma, my boy! Your father is still eating

breakfast. But that is the last meal that Kuno-lad will

be paying for. But we've--" (Nabiki interrupted with,

"I found.") "--Nabiki has found that there is a way to

WIN a free three days and two nights stay at one of the

inns around here."

Tying the sash from Akane's beach robe around the

maternity coverall, Ranma asked sourly, "What stupid

martial arts event is it this time? Kickin' sand? Takin' a

sand castle? Turnin' seashells into ninja throwin' stars?

Cannonballs?"

Mr. Tendou assured her, "No martial arts at all. It is

merely an eating contest! I thought Genma and you would

enter for us!"

Kasumi smiled, "Oh, my, yes! If there are any people

who know how to eat, it's the Saotomes!"

Nabiki said, "And she says it like it's a good thing."

Akane didn't like the idea of being left out, "Hey,

what about me?!"

Nabiki said, "You're on a diet, Akane. You're always

on a diet."

Kasumi said, "And an eating contest gives her the

perfect excuse to leave off the dieting! Go for it,

Akane!"

Nabiki said, "Under THAT logic, I might as well enter,

too."

After adjusting for a few more wrinkles, Ranma pulled

the loose part of the coverall out as she looked past her

bust, "There! Now the watermelon on this thing looks like

a giant pickle."

Nabiki said, "Leave it to you, Ranma, to get into a

pickle."

///

While Mr. Tendou went to the small village down the

coast that was sponsoring the contest, Akane and Ranma

went to the closest restaurant that was open. The redhead

told the waitress, "Hot water, no tea."

Akane asked, "What kept you out of your room all

night, Ranma? Kunou?"

Girl-Ranma flinched. "No. I just had a...bad dream."

Her voice had gotten quieter.

Akane said, "More of those nightmares of yours? You

won't tell me about them, but perhaps you should see a

councilor you can talk to. There may be a pattern."

Ranma glared at her, "Have my head shrunk!?" She

paused as the waitress came with their complimentary

water. When they the waitress had left, Ranma picked her

cup, "The problem is that my head DOES shrink!" And she

poured the hot water on her head.

"Akh!" guy-Ranma cried, loosening the sash tightened

for a wasp waist.



Akane tensed. But it didn't seem as if the few people

around noticed Ranma changing into a guy. Now if he had

been wearing a bikini....

Akane still lowered her voice, "Are you sure that

nothing happened on that island, yesterday?"

Ranma didn't LIKE remembering it. "I told you, ALL

that happened was I lost to ONE watermelon. It was a

fluke!" He didn't want to tell Akane how she had reacted

like a scared girl when the jerk threatened her with his

wooden sword. She had actually teared up and ran! Then,

instead of pulling out her martial arts techniques, she'd

gone straight to her girl tactics, calling him darling

and acting like she would LIKE to hug, and kiss, maybe

even.... Ranma's stomach knotted.

Akane said, "Uh, hunh." Ranma was blocking what could

happen to a girl who was passed out and protected only by

a guy's honor. And Kunou had certainly been acting less

than honorably!

But Akane had looked for the signs on Ranma's legs,

and on the swimsuit she took off before changing back.

When they got back, she had asked Kasumi to look for

anything different about Ranma's laundry. She had even

thought about splashing cold water on Ranma before she

went to the toilet, and then sneaking in with a home

pregnancy test.

All of that had made her VERY uncomfortable. It was

acknowledging that Ranma could be more of a girl than she

liked to think about. She just hoped Dr. Tofu's research

was correct and that a cursed female would be stuck in

whichever form became pregnant. So, since Ranma COULD

change, that meant Ranma WASN'T, right!?!!

Scowling, Ranma asked, "Where IS the mental case?"

"Kunou SHOULD be in a hospital. But I hear he went

looking for priestess in the area who's famous for her

healing powers and exorcisms."

"Hmf! Maybe she can get rid of his stupidity demon."

"That would be stupid. Then you couldn't trick him."

"But he'd be smart enough to know I'm NOT a girl!" Did

he feel a pang?

That got some attention from the customers.

Akane took Ranma's hand, "Come on."

Ranma asked, "But what about breakfast?!"

"We're in an eating contest. You know what they say,

"You have to have a hunger to win." More people were

staring at them. "Er, Ranma, about the maternity dress

you have on as a guy...?"

///

Kunou walked up the steps of the Shinto temple. He

yelped in surprise to find somebody unexpectedly standing

at the top, as if waiting. The ugly, little, old man

dressed as a Buddhist monk told him, "You have a most

unfortunate face."

Kunou didn't normally strike holly people. But he felt

a strong urge to harm THIS one. "Why did you startle me

as you did, monk!?! IF that is what you truly are," he

threatened with his wooden sword.

"Don't you want to know about your fortune?"

Kunou yelled, "I HAVE people who look after my

fortune! Why would I want to hire you!?"

A woman interrupted them, "Uncle!! What have I told

you about showing your ugly face around the temple!

You're bad for business!! People get the idea you're a

demon painting come to life!"

Kunou marveled. This mature woman of thirty in the

attire of a Shinto priestess was as beautiful as her

uncle was not. He stepped on the obnoxious, little man as

he approached her, "My Dear Woman, I am seriously tempted

to disregard the differences in our ages, and DATE with

you!"

She looked at the youth hard in his eyes, "And it's

idiot men saying things like that which has driven me

AWAY from the populated areas they're the densest! Now,

come!" she said turning for the modest temple. "You must

be here about a recent spell of amnesia."

The still smitten samurai lad followed, "Priestess!

Your ability to discern ailments is wondrous."

"No. I heard that yet another kendo idiot had taken

the legend of Watermelon Island seriously without

checking the facts." And Kunou, as usual, WAS dressed the

part.

When they got to the temple, the priestess had the boy

sit on the ground, while she sat on the porch. She ran

her hands up along his neck and on up, and through his

hair. "You have a lot of bumps on your head."

"It is the fault of that accursed Ranma Saotome! He

walks over others: Even *I*, his sempai and Noble Lord of

Nerima!"

"I see. But HE wasn't the one responsible for you

losing your memory."

"But he WAS. It was because of that low man I needed

to take drastic steps to advance my already notorious

swordsmanship. It is only by defeating him that I can

release the hold he has on the two that I love above all

others."

"I see," the priestess said in a noncommittal tone as

she took something out from under her white jacket.

"And most despicable of ALL his dastardly deeds is the

black magic he uses to separate the Pigtailed Girl from

any sort of a normal life!" he wept at the thought.

"...Or love."

Paying more attention to the stethoscope now in her

ears, she said, "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen to your

thorax." To his unasked question, the woman told him as

she thumped his chest, "I am also a qualified nurse." It

took her only a few more moments to determine, "Your eyes

are not dilated, your skin is not clammy, your pulse is

normal, nor there is no sign of internal abnormalities.

And your chi energy is flowing for what I judge is normal

for you. As far as I can tell without an MRI, you've

sustained no lasting damage. I would recommend you

REFRAIN from any further fighting or strenuous activity

for at least two weeks."

"TWO WEEKS!?!" Kunou cried in agony. "I cannot stand

the thought of my Pigtailed Venus being in clutches of

that merciless VILLAIN Saotome for one second more than I

can help it!!"

The ugly, old Buddhist monk surprised them as he again

appeared as if from nowhere, "If the girl is under a

spell, perhaps another spell is needed."

A crosshatch appeared on the priestess as she made a

fist, "Uncle! We don't NEED to get involved in this

affair!"

But for once, Kunou had picked up on an idea, "Of

course! It takes a spell to break a spell! I will reward

you munificently if you can deliver me the Pigtailed

Girl!" He then picked up his wooden sword, "And once I

have HER, Saotome's distraction from his sense of loss

will then lead to his, true and PERMANENT loss!"

The monk said to his niece, "You are right. This is no

affaire of ours."

Kunou blinked. "Name your price: Gold! Jewels!

Priceless antiques! Stocks listed on the Nikkei

Exchange!"

The gnome-like man said took a praying posture, "I am

a simple monk, and my needs are simple."

Kunou understood. If the holy man was a wanderer, then

the only things he had need of were clothing and, "A

year's supply of French haut cuisine!"

The man AND his niece cried, "Sold!!"

///

Soun hurried back to the resort. After a frantic

search, he found the panda sitting out on the beach

wearing a sunhat, a wet towel and fanning itself. "Genma!

I have great news! The upcoming contest is the

opportunity we've been looking for that will INSURE Ranma

marries my daughter Akane!!"

The panda held up a sign, [?].

"It seems that up until a few years ago, the village

lived in fear of what they called their watermelon god.

Though they grew them, nobody dared eat one, or sell any

to outsiders until they'd appeased the god. They would

select one watermelon each year and subject it to a

special process that would cause it to grow larger than

all of the others! This would be the living embodiment of

their god. When it had ripened they would put it on the

altar of the Great Watermelon, and on the appointed day--

Today!--the whole village would engage in rituals

designed to calm its spirit!"

The panda held up a sign, [So?].

"As I said, that changed a few years ago. The mayor

called on a priestess and a monk to rid the village of the

danger from its possible anger once and for all. When

asked what that was, they couldn't be told. The villagers

had been living in fear for so many generations, that they

forgot what would happen if the watermelon spirit were

NOT pleased."

The panda didn't hold up a sign. It was losing

interest.

"Well, before the exorcists had a chance to rid the

village of the spirit, the Great Watermelon got very

angry and attacked every man in the village."

[And the village discovered what the watermelon did.]

"Exactly!! But not until they sent the exorcists away,

unpaid. Then, rather than get rid of its vengeful spirit,

the elders of the village decided to hold a festival to

attract tourists!"

[So that the TOURISTS could be the sacrifices.]

"Exactly!!"

///

In her robe and swimsuit, Kasumi found her sister,

"Nabiki! It's time to go to the contest."

Nabiki remained where she was sunbathing on the beach.

"I'm not going. You really didn't think I was serious

when I said I might as well enter, did you? Eating

contests are messy and disgusting. And what goes in, MAY

come out."

"Suit yourself."

"Kasumi! I'd recommend YOU didn't go either, even as a

spectator."

"And why not, Nabiki?"

"I can read the signs. Panda signs."

///

A few kilometers down the coast, around a promontory

was a typical village by the sea, under terraced farms in

the foothills that reached down to its long, wide, and

little used beach. It was almost as if it were out of an

earlier time, despite the resort being so close. Looking

down on idyllic setting, Akane had to wonder, "What keeps

the tourists and developers away?"

Ranma's only answer was his stomach growling.

The two fathers pointed up the long, stone flight of

stairs in a grassy hill. Mr. Tendou told Ranma and Akane,

"All contestants must present themselves before the their

idol on the altar at the top."

Mr. Saotome said, "It is all part of the local

ceremony."

Ranma had been all around and into the deepest parts

of Japan, and knew how seriously the locals took their

own peculiar customs. The pigtailed boy started up the

stairs, "Aren't you comin', Pop? You're in this thing,

too, aren't you?"

Genma held up his hands and waved him off, "No! Heh,

heh! There must be an age limit! This is something best

entered into by a young couple!"

Soun told his accomplice, "Saotome, I think you're

telling more than enough."

Agreeing, both of them fled.

Akane said, "I've got a feeling they're not telling US

enough."

Ranma told her, "Forget about it. Let's get the stupid

part over with, so I can get to eatin'. I'm starvin'! I

ain't had nothing since yesterday."

At the very top, out in the open, was a sturdy, three-

tiered Shinto wooden altar with sake, rice balls, and

other offerings. But what REALLY drew their eyes was what

was the idol, judging by the zigzag paper gohei draped

over the thing on top. It was a watermelon. A huge

watermelon. A watermelon the size of a boulder!

Both Ranma and Akane nearly did facefaults. Ranma

cried, "I'm not THAT hungry!!"

Akane held her own belly, "It makes me sick just to

look at it. Anything THAT big can't be good to eat."

An middle-aged woman in a kimono came around from the

other side, "Oh, goody, more outsiders! Come, the contest

tables are on this side."

There were four low tables arranged in a semi-circle

around the Great Watermelon altar, with more that could

be set down if more contestants showed up. There was a

shy couple that looked like newlyweds; a thug-type with

bulging muscles and tattoos; two middle-aged couples, one

drunk, the other arguing; and a very old man who could

barely stand up on his own. And, with his back away from

them, standing over a pile of watermelons, somebody they

DID know.

Ranma went up to him, "Hey, Kunou! How's the head

case?!"

Kunou yelped in surprise, "Ranma Saotome!!" dropping

what he'd had in his hand.

Lucky for him, his arch-enemy didn't notice the

hypodermic needle. "So," Ranma said, "you're in this

contest, too?"

Kunou asked, "I wanted a match with the Pigtailed

Girl! You're not trying to prevent my challenging her!?!"

"You mean, "If she wins, you would date with her"? As

good a reason as that is for her NOT to show up, she has

no choice. This is a WATER-melon eating contest. Cold

watermelon."

"I don't understand!"

"Nothing new there."

Akane pushed Ranma away, "We have to find a place for

you to change. Honestly, I don't know what our fathers

were thinking: Insisting you show up as a guy!"

Before Kunou could regale the sturdy and true Akane

Tendou with poetic verse without rhyme or reason, he

remembered his mission. If he could remain focused on

that, he'd be able to indulge himself to his heart's

content. He found the needle. There was just a few drops

of solution left in the syringe. He looked for the

watermelon with the tiny puncture hole. "I must mark it,

so that I know WHICH of them has the magic potion in

it...."

But as he looked, and searched, finally tearing at his

hair: "I don't know which one it IS!!" He dropped to his

knees, "If only I had THOUGHT to bring faithful Sasuke

with me! I could blame HIM for this grievous error!"

///

Ranma and Akane, the single females, sat on a blanket

at the same table. Each couple was together at their own

ones, and the thug and geezer sat at the same table.

Kunou had bought the right to have a table all to

himself. On the end next to Ranma's and Akane's, of

course. Akane had made sure Ranma was closer to him,

which nearly made the pigtailed girl loose her appetite.

Akane looked at the pile of watermelons, waiting to be

eaten. There had to be at least a hundred. "I hope this

isn't about how many you can eat."

Confident, Ranma-chan put her hands back behind her

head, "If it is, I bet I can win, even with a girl's

smaller stomach. And if it's about speed, I have the

training I got in "Martial Arts Dining" when I was

engaged to Picolette." Suddenly she froze in déjà vu.

As the condition for the training, Ranma had committed

herself to becoming "Mrs. Picolette Chardin II". If she

hadn't won the showdown dinner, she'd have been honor

bound to be marry the guy!! She had dreamed of the

wedding. Alone, the two of them had eaten the giant

wedding cake together. Ranma's grin had been large enough

to wrap around a watermelon! LITERALLY, thanks to the

grotesque methods their methods could lead to.

In her dream, her mouth had become a vacuum hose and

had actually REACHED out to kiss the blonde! Had she

actually LIKED it when Picolette had sucked face?

Ranma's arms and head dropped. Of COURSE she didn't

want to marry Picolette, and DEFINITELY not Kunou.

But...were those dreams her subconscious trying to tell

her that, that, maybe, perhaps, the girl in her had the

urge to find a guy?

She thought about that maternity coverall she had put

on. DID she have maternal instincts?...

The oldest of the townsladies got up to explain the

rules. Akane looking at the few people off to the side,

she said, "Ranma, did you notice that all of the

spectators and officials are women? And none seems

younger than 45-years-old."

Ranma-chan was too lost in her own disconcertion to

respond.

The matriarch in a kimono said, "The rules are these:

One person at a time will get up and insult the Great

Watermelon." She gestured to the monster one on the altar

before them. "If any of you are at a loss of what to call

it, we have women with cue cards standing up." Two of the

older ones knelt on either side of the altar, their

poster boards on the ground beside them. "You then do the

GRAVEST insult of all, and EAT as many watermelons as you

can in front of it--As viciously as you can!

"Then the next person will be given their chance. That

is all."

Akane raised her hand, "Excuse me, Ma'am. But what if

there's a tie?"

She paused in her hasty withdrawal long enough to say,

"I don't think we will have to worry about any ties."

The thug pushed the old geezer down, and claimed first

up. Mixed with a torrent of profanity (which the old

ladies bore with the grace of good hostesses) was his

bragging about what a stud he was, and that he didn't

NEED a fourth-rate god like this one to prove what a man

he was!! He'd come here at the end of summer to smash the

biggest watermelon in the world, just like a favorite

Japanese game did! He didn't even need a baseball bat!

Without a score card, it really didn't make much

sense; and trying to close her ears to the foul language

didn't help Akane understand what its purpose was. But

she was becoming suspicious. And uneasy.

Meanwhile, Kunou had "decided to stretch his legs"

while he waited. He strode past the cue card lady,

pretending she wasn't there. He glanced around without

seeing, then ducked around towards the front of the Great

Watermelon. He said to himself, "Why take a chance with

ONE small fruit of the vine? If the legend is correct,

THIS one shall surely deliver my love!" He took out his

hypodermic needle and stabbed it into the monster fruit.

The watermelon god buckled, its bulk retreating from

the needle that had injected it. It rolled to the far

edge of the altar, where it trembled and shook. Kunou

(and everybody else) stared in dumb awe at the now

animate object. The hand with the needle was frozen up in

the air.

The needle not a threat, for the moment, the huge

fruit jumped back, knocking Kunou flat on his back. It's

great weight broke its altar.

But the Great Watermelon did not fall. It hovered,

rolling in midair.

Kunou reached for his sword. Finally, the Kendo

Watermelon Slicing Technique would be of real used! But

the boulder-like idol started bouncing on him. He never

had a chance. He was pounded into the ground.

Ranma cried, "Aw, GEEZ! I hate to hafta say this, but

I guess I gotta save the jerk." She tossed regular-sized

watermelons at it. They smashed up against the thick rind

of the monster watermelon. While the attack did no harm

to it, it DID draw its attention to Ranma.

Ranma was on it, and kicked it away from the now

unconscious Kunou.

But the watermelon spirit used its power to bring its

home back, aiming to bounce on Ranma now. Leaping aside,

the pigtailed girl cried, "Tenshin Amagakuren, Revised:

WATERMELON Roasting Over an Open Fire!!" And chopped at

it repeatedly with the side of her hand. She was cut the

largest watermelon slice anybody had ever seen.

The watermelon god rolled, twisted, and writhed; then

bright light of its spiritual energy shone through its

open wound. Akane said, "I think Ranma just made it mad."

Suddenly, the two circles appeared where Ranma had hit

it with the smaller watermelons. Theses combined with the

missing slice to make a face, two red eyes and a mouth

with black seeds for little teeth. The final phase of it

anthropomorphism came when it sprouted vines that became

arms, and legs, with hands and feet.

Ranma said, "This is STUPIDER than even that enchanted

panda drawing I had to date."

The watermelon screamed, "No! No, no, no! No!! I'll

never forgive you! How...How could you CUT me!!?!

Prepare to meet your doom, ALL of you!!"

The thug cried, "YES!! This is what I was WAITIN'

for!!" And he cracked a watermelon in two.

The husband of the drunk couple said, "It's a good

thing I think this is just the booze."

The wife of the other couple said, "Ikki! We came her

to make a man out of you: Now be one!!"

"Yes, dear!" he said, biting into a slice of one of

his watermelons.

Sharing a large slice of their own, the newlyweds said

as one, "This is what we came here for, to start our

marriage with children!"

Akane GOT it!! No WONDER only the only towns people at

the contest were women too old to have--"Ranma!! Don't let

the seeds TOUCH you: That's a FERTILITY god!!!"

NOW Ranma was worried: "A WHAT!!?" It was a good thing

that just like she could snatch chestnuts from a fire

without getting burned, she could break open the rind

without getting wet from its meat.

The Great Watermelon god spit seed after seed at the

human girl that had wounded it. Ranma leaped. The seeds

followed. She somersaulted away, making sudden changes of

direction to stay just one vault from the fecund seeds.



And she couldn't return to any place she HAD been,

because it was covered with watermelon seeds and slime!

If she slipped on the slime....

While the other contestants complained about NOT being

spit on, Ranma was saying, "This is no good! I can't stay

on defense! It can fly! All it has to do is get high

enough and strafe me! I need to attack it! But HOW!!?!"

A glance at Akane saw that SHE was putting her fists

through a couple of watermelons, as if they were boxing

gloves. Of course! Ranma now knew what to do!

She backflipped for the slice she'd cut out of the it.

Quickly, but carefully, lifting it up, she used the wedge

as a shield--And shoved it into the 'grapping mouth' of

the monster watermelon.

The watermelon god made noises, but it could not be

heard because of the gag. Ranma said, "Okay: NOW, what do

I do!?"

While she was thinking, she got pelted by seeds. THIS

time from the angry contestants and THEIR watermelons. It

was only a matter of seconds before THEY attacked Ranma!

The Great Watermelon started rising up into the air.

"Oh, no you don't!!" Ranma cried, jumping to keep the

wedge-gag pressed into its "mouth".

As Ranma held on and rode the thing as it rolled

around in midair, she knew she had only once chance. And

if one chance was all she had, then she HAD to take a

risk! At the top, she let go of the giant wedge, and ran

to stay on top of the watermelon. Which amazed the

contestants enough for them to stop them in their tracks.

She knew that the watermelon spirit inside was going to

bring its now open "mouth" around to spit seeds at her,

perhaps even "swallow" her, but...

Just when she judged its mouth was on the other side,

she focused all of her strength at ONE point in the rind:

KER-rack-shaaarrk! That blow cracked the watermelon all

the way around from top to bottom. The weakest area was

the open slice facing the ground, and THAT was the

direction the seeds and slime burst out of!

Ranma leaped far away the fertilier that the other

contestants ran to bathe in. Standing on the ground, she

watched the white glow of the spirit rise into the sky from

the hulk of the great watermelon. She laughed, "Without

a place to stay in, it CAN'T hang around: Threat over with!

*Ha, ha, ha!*" Why was a part of her was NOT so relieved.

She laughed too soon. The white light dropped back

down, picked up the two halves of the monster watermelon,

and brought them over to the human mocking it. SMOOSH!!

Ranma was totally immersed wet slime and seeds inside the

two halves.

Just when Ranma thought she might drown, they fell

away. Harvest time was over with, and the fertility

spirit had to depart for another year.

Akane cried, "Ranma!! Ranma, speak to me!!"

She spit out a fountain of slime and seeds. Akane

wasn't worried enough about Ranma to get THAT close to

being fertilized.

She remembered, "Oh! Hot water!!" She tossed the lid

of the teakettle she'd borrowed and threw it on the girl

Ranma. From a distance.

The wind was with her. The hot water splashed Ranma.

Only Ranma didn't change: Ranma remained a girl!!

While Akane stood there stricken by the terror, Kunou

had come to. He ran to her, "The Pigtailed Girl!!" He

pulled her limp, slimy form up against him, and prayed,

"Please, let the legends be true! Let there really BE a

fertility god!"

Finding her strength, Ranma shoved the creep away,

"Even IF the damned thing DID make me fertile, I have to

DO something about it for it to MEAN anything--And if YOU

think I'm gonna let you--"

Kunou said, "But the deed is, I dare hope, already

done, My True Love! I injected a magic solution into the

watermelon that contained my OWN love!"

"YOU WHATTT!!!?"

"You have no choice but to marry me, now, My Beloved

Mother-To-Be! Such is the ancient ways, even Saotome will

have to give you up!"

Akane screamed as an ugly, little Buddhist monk

appeared beside her, "Wishful thinking on his part. He is

a most unfortunate soul." It was now safe for him to

appear.

A glamorous woman dressed like a Shinto priestess told

them, "It did not contain ANY of his spermatozoa."

Kunou protested, "I did not say it did! But it WAS a magic

potion!! From the ingredients I provided!! You GUARRANTEED

your work—It was IN the contract!!"

The monk said, "He supplied us with the hair, nail

clippings, skin flakes, blood, mucus, and...OTHER bodily

fluids of the females he desired to be his. (So

un-Buddha-like.)"

Kunou nodded curtly, "Yes. I have my manservant Sasuke

collect those mementos of the two I most dearly love in

this world! He is most thorough, if LAX about labeling

which of my true loves they came from."

The priestess said, "Yes, I suspected the samples were

contaminated with another's."

The monk said, "And those ARE the necessary

ingredients for most love potions."

The priestess told him, "But YOU turned it into a

fertility potion by bringing it here! Subjecting it to

the higher rules and vagaries of a god!"

The monk also informed him, "Now, if he had supplied

some of his OWN seed...."

Kunou blushed bright red, "I COULDN'T!"

Akane went up to the priestess (and away from the

little man who made her skin itch), "Then Ranma ISN'T

pregnant?!" she hoped.

The beautiful priestess told her, "I cannot guarantee

that. The idiot supplied us with SO much material from

the two females he has his crush on, there HAD to be

quite a lot of stem cells. Under the proper conditions,

stem cells CAN be used to pass on genetic information. I

hear that theoretically they could even be used to make a

MAN pregnant."

Akane gasped, "Y, you mean, Ran, Ranma's the father of

her own *gulp* child!?!"

The priestess said, "Of course not! Where would the

morality be in that? We ARE spiritual people. We would

never allow that to happen."

Before anybody could sigh in relief, the monk said,

"If she is pregnant by anybody, it is by the OTHER girl."

Ranma cried, "You mean AKANE'S the father!!?!!"

Akane fainted.

The priestess said, "Stand back! I can help: I'm an

expert in modern medicine!" Over her shoulder, she told

the pigtailed girl, "You're next!"

As the monk was about to start his praying for Ranma,

he said, "I hope you WANT a child. A fertility god will

haunt you until you DO have one."

'

'

The End.

'

[Author's notes: Stem cells can be found scattered in

small amounts throughout the body, especially in bone

marrow and the dental roots. Stem cells from a mother can

survive well into her children's adulthood.

'

[The idea for this story STARTED from the dream Ranma had

about having kids with Kunou. The dream where she marries

Picolette is found in the anime, not in the manga. But I

think it is appropriate to add it because it seems in

keeping with the first dream. Then I needed something to

feel out the story, and provide an excuse for some

action. The Great Watermelon god comes from an episode of

"Urusei Yatsura" (better known as "Lum"), ALSO created by

Rumiko Takahashi. THERE it was thought just stupid that

the "god" would punish people by spitting seeds on them.

In MY version, nine months later, they found that it had

done MORE (as in population explosion). Of course, in the

original story, Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Mendou, the

priestess AND monk had ALSO gotten slimed. But since THEY

didn't become more fertile (that we know of), I made this

a possibly different world from theirs. That is why I

NEVER mentioned the names of the priestess and monk.]