Watermelon Girl
By Ron Dow75
Ranma was dressed like somebody out of a Tarzan movie,
Jane. In her leopard-skin one-piece she called out to her
husband as she bore their youngest child strapped to her
back, "Lunchtime, dearest!"
In his matching trunks, Kunou walked over slowly.
"We've been stuck on this island so many years...we're
lovebirds in paradise, right?" He put an arm over
Ranma's shoulder as they admired their four children.
"I'm so blissful," she said...
///
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" girl-Ranma
screamed!
She looked around, Where IS he!?!! She was ready to
slap Kunou silly.
Then she realized, slap?? Why would a martial artist
JUST slap? Why would a GUY slap!?
While she was examining her open hand, the panda
smacked her with the back of its paw.
She came up from her roll, to demand, "Why'd you
do...." She finally realized that it had been a dream.
Now, it was night. They were in a real inn, something
that didn't happen much. They usually slept out. If they
made too much noise, they would be asked to leave.
Trust Pop to be more concerned about that than what
CAUSED her outburst.
It didn't help HER feel better knowing that Kunou was
the one picking up the tab.
She got up, and out to the 2nd story balcony. She
jumped out.
///
Girl-Ranma walked the beach under the moonlight alone.
She put her hands up to her biceps (pressing her chilled
boobs together) and wished she had brought a coat. At
least a long-sleeved shirt. Hot water would've helped!
Girls were more sensitive to cold than guys. He'd learned
that firsthand.
She was turning around to go back inside, when she saw
Watermelon Island. Even under the dim light it LOOKED
like a watermelon bobbing above the sea. But more to the
point, it was a deserted island with NOTHING but
watermelons growing on it. That is why it had become the
best place to train for the legendary "Kendo Watermelon
Technique". And the price everybody had mastered it
was amnesia.
Like Kunou. The samurai idiot had whacked HIMSELF on
the head with his own sword when one of the watermelons
he'd rigged to fall had landed on it. Ranma shuddered,
and this time not from the breeze coming off of the
ocean. The jerk had become an even bigger pain when he
DIDN'T know her! What restraint he HAD had was gone. He
was willing to go as far as to challenge her, "Date me or
die!" When she'd tried to escape, she ended up on that
island by herself with Kuno with nothing but her
swimsuit, and no hot water. Her only weapons against the
now (she'd thought) formidable swordsman were watermelons
and boulders. It was just Ranma's luck that a watermelon
had come back and conked her unconscious.
And that was when she first had that dream, of being
the trapped on that island, Eve to his Adam, mother of
their kids.
The dream hadn't ended there; it'd come back. What did
they say about dreaming of the same thing three times?
"I'm NOT gonna sleep," she swore.
///
...The man put an arm over Ranma's shoulder as they
admired their children.
"I'm so blissful," she said...
The nightmare was interrupted by, "Ranma, Wake up!
What are you doing out here?"
Ranma opened her eyes to see Akane, and then the
Kasumi. The eldest sister called to the rest of the
Tendous, "Akane's found Ranma!" They were all in beach
robes and swimsuits, carrying their beach bags. Though
there was still a chill in the early morning air, they
wanted to make the most of their last day at the resort.
Again, it took an adjustment to get away from that
horrible dream. She'd actually fallen asleep standing up,
leaning against one of the kissaten (tea & coffee houses)
along the beach. That's right, after jogging around and
doing her katas, she'd thought about breaking in and
buying enough caffeine to keep a horse awake. ...And
drinks were yet another thing girls reacted more strongly
to.
Kasumi said, "Oh, my. Where did you find what you're
wearing, Ranma?"
Ranma looked down at the beach coverall she was
wearing, "Somebody threw it away. It's warm, so as long
as I'm a girl, I don't care what it looks like." In
keeping with the theme of the area, it had large
watermelon on it, below her bust.
Nabiki said, "Perhaps you should, Ranma."
Akane, now, saw what her sisters were talking about,
"No wonder the woman who was given that as a gift threw
it away: That's a maternity dress! What woman wants to be
reminded her belly will grow as big as a watermelon!?"
Ranma did the pose as she stammered, "Ma, ma,
maternity...!" And she'd had the same dream THREE times!!
No! Technically the last one WASN'T the same one! The
man in it hadn't BEEN Kuno, but some other, unknown guy
being the father of her children. So it wasn't going to
come true, WAS it!!
Nabiki snickered, "That's some reaction you have
there."
Ranma reasserted her dignity, "So WHAT if it is, what
you say it is. I just need a belt or something to make a
waist, and anybody's gonna know." She actually wanted a
girl's narrow waist? It was better than having the
alternative for a girl.
Before the sisters could say anything, their father
was speaking, "Ranma, my boy! Your father is still eating
breakfast. But that is the last meal that Kuno-lad will
be paying for. But we've--" (Nabiki interrupted with,
"I found.") "--Nabiki has found that there is a way to
WIN a free three days and two nights stay at one of the
inns around here."
Tying the sash from Akane's beach robe around the
maternity coverall, Ranma asked sourly, "What stupid
martial arts event is it this time? Kickin' sand? Takin' a
sand castle? Turnin' seashells into ninja throwin' stars?
Cannonballs?"
Mr. Tendou assured her, "No martial arts at all. It is
merely an eating contest! I thought Genma and you would
enter for us!"
Kasumi smiled, "Oh, my, yes! If there are any people
who know how to eat, it's the Saotomes!"
Nabiki said, "And she says it like it's a good thing."
Akane didn't like the idea of being left out, "Hey,
what about me?!"
Nabiki said, "You're on a diet, Akane. You're always
on a diet."
Kasumi said, "And an eating contest gives her the
perfect excuse to leave off the dieting! Go for it,
Akane!"
Nabiki said, "Under THAT logic, I might as well enter,
too."
After adjusting for a few more wrinkles, Ranma pulled
the loose part of the coverall out as she looked past her
bust, "There! Now the watermelon on this thing looks like
a giant pickle."
Nabiki said, "Leave it to you, Ranma, to get into a
pickle."
///
While Mr. Tendou went to the small village down the
coast that was sponsoring the contest, Akane and Ranma
went to the closest restaurant that was open. The redhead
told the waitress, "Hot water, no tea."
Akane asked, "What kept you out of your room all
night, Ranma? Kunou?"
Girl-Ranma flinched. "No. I just had a...bad dream."
Her voice had gotten quieter.
Akane said, "More of those nightmares of yours? You
won't tell me about them, but perhaps you should see a
councilor you can talk to. There may be a pattern."
Ranma glared at her, "Have my head shrunk!?" She
paused as the waitress came with their complimentary
water. When they the waitress had left, Ranma picked her
cup, "The problem is that my head DOES shrink!" And she
poured the hot water on her head.
"Akh!" guy-Ranma cried, loosening the sash tightened
for a wasp waist.
Akane tensed. But it didn't seem as if the few people
around noticed Ranma changing into a guy. Now if he had
been wearing a bikini....
Akane still lowered her voice, "Are you sure that
nothing happened on that island, yesterday?"
Ranma didn't LIKE remembering it. "I told you, ALL
that happened was I lost to ONE watermelon. It was a
fluke!" He didn't want to tell Akane how she had reacted
like a scared girl when the jerk threatened her with his
wooden sword. She had actually teared up and ran! Then,
instead of pulling out her martial arts techniques, she'd
gone straight to her girl tactics, calling him darling
and acting like she would LIKE to hug, and kiss, maybe
even.... Ranma's stomach knotted.
Akane said, "Uh, hunh." Ranma was blocking what could
happen to a girl who was passed out and protected only by
a guy's honor. And Kunou had certainly been acting less
than honorably!
But Akane had looked for the signs on Ranma's legs,
and on the swimsuit she took off before changing back.
When they got back, she had asked Kasumi to look for
anything different about Ranma's laundry. She had even
thought about splashing cold water on Ranma before she
went to the toilet, and then sneaking in with a home
pregnancy test.
All of that had made her VERY uncomfortable. It was
acknowledging that Ranma could be more of a girl than she
liked to think about. She just hoped Dr. Tofu's research
was correct and that a cursed female would be stuck in
whichever form became pregnant. So, since Ranma COULD
change, that meant Ranma WASN'T, right!?!!
Scowling, Ranma asked, "Where IS the mental case?"
"Kunou SHOULD be in a hospital. But I hear he went
looking for priestess in the area who's famous for her
healing powers and exorcisms."
"Hmf! Maybe she can get rid of his stupidity demon."
"That would be stupid. Then you couldn't trick him."
"But he'd be smart enough to know I'm NOT a girl!" Did
he feel a pang?
That got some attention from the customers.
Akane took Ranma's hand, "Come on."
Ranma asked, "But what about breakfast?!"
"We're in an eating contest. You know what they say,
"You have to have a hunger to win." More people were
staring at them. "Er, Ranma, about the maternity dress
you have on as a guy...?"
///
Kunou walked up the steps of the Shinto temple. He
yelped in surprise to find somebody unexpectedly standing
at the top, as if waiting. The ugly, little, old man
dressed as a Buddhist monk told him, "You have a most
unfortunate face."
Kunou didn't normally strike holly people. But he felt
a strong urge to harm THIS one. "Why did you startle me
as you did, monk!?! IF that is what you truly are," he
threatened with his wooden sword.
"Don't you want to know about your fortune?"
Kunou yelled, "I HAVE people who look after my
fortune! Why would I want to hire you!?"
A woman interrupted them, "Uncle!! What have I told
you about showing your ugly face around the temple!
You're bad for business!! People get the idea you're a
demon painting come to life!"
Kunou marveled. This mature woman of thirty in the
attire of a Shinto priestess was as beautiful as her
uncle was not. He stepped on the obnoxious, little man as
he approached her, "My Dear Woman, I am seriously tempted
to disregard the differences in our ages, and DATE with
you!"
She looked at the youth hard in his eyes, "And it's
idiot men saying things like that which has driven me
AWAY from the populated areas they're the densest! Now,
come!" she said turning for the modest temple. "You must
be here about a recent spell of amnesia."
The still smitten samurai lad followed, "Priestess!
Your ability to discern ailments is wondrous."
"No. I heard that yet another kendo idiot had taken
the legend of Watermelon Island seriously without
checking the facts." And Kunou, as usual, WAS dressed the
part.
When they got to the temple, the priestess had the boy
sit on the ground, while she sat on the porch. She ran
her hands up along his neck and on up, and through his
hair. "You have a lot of bumps on your head."
"It is the fault of that accursed Ranma Saotome! He
walks over others: Even *I*, his sempai and Noble Lord of
Nerima!"
"I see. But HE wasn't the one responsible for you
losing your memory."
"But he WAS. It was because of that low man I needed
to take drastic steps to advance my already notorious
swordsmanship. It is only by defeating him that I can
release the hold he has on the two that I love above all
others."
"I see," the priestess said in a noncommittal tone as
she took something out from under her white jacket.
"And most despicable of ALL his dastardly deeds is the
black magic he uses to separate the Pigtailed Girl from
any sort of a normal life!" he wept at the thought.
"...Or love."
Paying more attention to the stethoscope now in her
ears, she said, "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen to your
thorax." To his unasked question, the woman told him as
she thumped his chest, "I am also a qualified nurse." It
took her only a few more moments to determine, "Your eyes
are not dilated, your skin is not clammy, your pulse is
normal, nor there is no sign of internal abnormalities.
And your chi energy is flowing for what I judge is normal
for you. As far as I can tell without an MRI, you've
sustained no lasting damage. I would recommend you
REFRAIN from any further fighting or strenuous activity
for at least two weeks."
"TWO WEEKS!?!" Kunou cried in agony. "I cannot stand
the thought of my Pigtailed Venus being in clutches of
that merciless VILLAIN Saotome for one second more than I
can help it!!"
The ugly, old Buddhist monk surprised them as he again
appeared as if from nowhere, "If the girl is under a
spell, perhaps another spell is needed."
A crosshatch appeared on the priestess as she made a
fist, "Uncle! We don't NEED to get involved in this
affair!"
But for once, Kunou had picked up on an idea, "Of
course! It takes a spell to break a spell! I will reward
you munificently if you can deliver me the Pigtailed
Girl!" He then picked up his wooden sword, "And once I
have HER, Saotome's distraction from his sense of loss
will then lead to his, true and PERMANENT loss!"
The monk said to his niece, "You are right. This is no
affaire of ours."
Kunou blinked. "Name your price: Gold! Jewels!
Priceless antiques! Stocks listed on the Nikkei
Exchange!"
The gnome-like man said took a praying posture, "I am
a simple monk, and my needs are simple."
Kunou understood. If the holy man was a wanderer, then
the only things he had need of were clothing and, "A
year's supply of French haut cuisine!"
The man AND his niece cried, "Sold!!"
///
Soun hurried back to the resort. After a frantic
search, he found the panda sitting out on the beach
wearing a sunhat, a wet towel and fanning itself. "Genma!
I have great news! The upcoming contest is the
opportunity we've been looking for that will INSURE Ranma
marries my daughter Akane!!"
The panda held up a sign, [?].
"It seems that up until a few years ago, the village
lived in fear of what they called their watermelon god.
Though they grew them, nobody dared eat one, or sell any
to outsiders until they'd appeased the god. They would
select one watermelon each year and subject it to a
special process that would cause it to grow larger than
all of the others! This would be the living embodiment of
their god. When it had ripened they would put it on the
altar of the Great Watermelon, and on the appointed day--
Today!--the whole village would engage in rituals
designed to calm its spirit!"
The panda held up a sign, [So?].
"As I said, that changed a few years ago. The mayor
called on a priestess and a monk to rid the village of the
danger from its possible anger once and for all. When
asked what that was, they couldn't be told. The villagers
had been living in fear for so many generations, that they
forgot what would happen if the watermelon spirit were
NOT pleased."
The panda didn't hold up a sign. It was losing
interest.
"Well, before the exorcists had a chance to rid the
village of the spirit, the Great Watermelon got very
angry and attacked every man in the village."
[And the village discovered what the watermelon did.]
"Exactly!! But not until they sent the exorcists away,
unpaid. Then, rather than get rid of its vengeful spirit,
the elders of the village decided to hold a festival to
attract tourists!"
[So that the TOURISTS could be the sacrifices.]
"Exactly!!"
///
In her robe and swimsuit, Kasumi found her sister,
"Nabiki! It's time to go to the contest."
Nabiki remained where she was sunbathing on the beach.
"I'm not going. You really didn't think I was serious
when I said I might as well enter, did you? Eating
contests are messy and disgusting. And what goes in, MAY
come out."
"Suit yourself."
"Kasumi! I'd recommend YOU didn't go either, even as a
spectator."
"And why not, Nabiki?"
"I can read the signs. Panda signs."
///
A few kilometers down the coast, around a promontory
was a typical village by the sea, under terraced farms in
the foothills that reached down to its long, wide, and
little used beach. It was almost as if it were out of an
earlier time, despite the resort being so close. Looking
down on idyllic setting, Akane had to wonder, "What keeps
the tourists and developers away?"
Ranma's only answer was his stomach growling.
The two fathers pointed up the long, stone flight of
stairs in a grassy hill. Mr. Tendou told Ranma and Akane,
"All contestants must present themselves before the their
idol on the altar at the top."
Mr. Saotome said, "It is all part of the local
ceremony."
Ranma had been all around and into the deepest parts
of Japan, and knew how seriously the locals took their
own peculiar customs. The pigtailed boy started up the
stairs, "Aren't you comin', Pop? You're in this thing,
too, aren't you?"
Genma held up his hands and waved him off, "No! Heh,
heh! There must be an age limit! This is something best
entered into by a young couple!"
Soun told his accomplice, "Saotome, I think you're
telling more than enough."
Agreeing, both of them fled.
Akane said, "I've got a feeling they're not telling US
enough."
Ranma told her, "Forget about it. Let's get the stupid
part over with, so I can get to eatin'. I'm starvin'! I
ain't had nothing since yesterday."
At the very top, out in the open, was a sturdy, three-
tiered Shinto wooden altar with sake, rice balls, and
other offerings. But what REALLY drew their eyes was what
was the idol, judging by the zigzag paper gohei draped
over the thing on top. It was a watermelon. A huge
watermelon. A watermelon the size of a boulder!
Both Ranma and Akane nearly did facefaults. Ranma
cried, "I'm not THAT hungry!!"
Akane held her own belly, "It makes me sick just to
look at it. Anything THAT big can't be good to eat."
An middle-aged woman in a kimono came around from the
other side, "Oh, goody, more outsiders! Come, the contest
tables are on this side."
There were four low tables arranged in a semi-circle
around the Great Watermelon altar, with more that could
be set down if more contestants showed up. There was a
shy couple that looked like newlyweds; a thug-type with
bulging muscles and tattoos; two middle-aged couples, one
drunk, the other arguing; and a very old man who could
barely stand up on his own. And, with his back away from
them, standing over a pile of watermelons, somebody they
DID know.
Ranma went up to him, "Hey, Kunou! How's the head
case?!"
Kunou yelped in surprise, "Ranma Saotome!!" dropping
what he'd had in his hand.
Lucky for him, his arch-enemy didn't notice the
hypodermic needle. "So," Ranma said, "you're in this
contest, too?"
Kunou asked, "I wanted a match with the Pigtailed
Girl! You're not trying to prevent my challenging her!?!"
"You mean, "If she wins, you would date with her"? As
good a reason as that is for her NOT to show up, she has
no choice. This is a WATER-melon eating contest. Cold
watermelon."
"I don't understand!"
"Nothing new there."
Akane pushed Ranma away, "We have to find a place for
you to change. Honestly, I don't know what our fathers
were thinking: Insisting you show up as a guy!"
Before Kunou could regale the sturdy and true Akane
Tendou with poetic verse without rhyme or reason, he
remembered his mission. If he could remain focused on
that, he'd be able to indulge himself to his heart's
content. He found the needle. There was just a few drops
of solution left in the syringe. He looked for the
watermelon with the tiny puncture hole. "I must mark it,
so that I know WHICH of them has the magic potion in
it...."
But as he looked, and searched, finally tearing at his
hair: "I don't know which one it IS!!" He dropped to his
knees, "If only I had THOUGHT to bring faithful Sasuke
with me! I could blame HIM for this grievous error!"
///
Ranma and Akane, the single females, sat on a blanket
at the same table. Each couple was together at their own
ones, and the thug and geezer sat at the same table.
Kunou had bought the right to have a table all to
himself. On the end next to Ranma's and Akane's, of
course. Akane had made sure Ranma was closer to him,
which nearly made the pigtailed girl loose her appetite.
Akane looked at the pile of watermelons, waiting to be
eaten. There had to be at least a hundred. "I hope this
isn't about how many you can eat."
Confident, Ranma-chan put her hands back behind her
head, "If it is, I bet I can win, even with a girl's
smaller stomach. And if it's about speed, I have the
training I got in "Martial Arts Dining" when I was
engaged to Picolette." Suddenly she froze in déjà vu.
As the condition for the training, Ranma had committed
herself to becoming "Mrs. Picolette Chardin II". If she
hadn't won the showdown dinner, she'd have been honor
bound to be marry the guy!! She had dreamed of the
wedding. Alone, the two of them had eaten the giant
wedding cake together. Ranma's grin had been large enough
to wrap around a watermelon! LITERALLY, thanks to the
grotesque methods their methods could lead to.
In her dream, her mouth had become a vacuum hose and
had actually REACHED out to kiss the blonde! Had she
actually LIKED it when Picolette had sucked face?
Ranma's arms and head dropped. Of COURSE she didn't
want to marry Picolette, and DEFINITELY not Kunou.
But...were those dreams her subconscious trying to tell
her that, that, maybe, perhaps, the girl in her had the
urge to find a guy?
She thought about that maternity coverall she had put
on. DID she have maternal instincts?...
The oldest of the townsladies got up to explain the
rules. Akane looking at the few people off to the side,
she said, "Ranma, did you notice that all of the
spectators and officials are women? And none seems
younger than 45-years-old."
Ranma-chan was too lost in her own disconcertion to
respond.
The matriarch in a kimono said, "The rules are these:
One person at a time will get up and insult the Great
Watermelon." She gestured to the monster one on the altar
before them. "If any of you are at a loss of what to call
it, we have women with cue cards standing up." Two of the
older ones knelt on either side of the altar, their
poster boards on the ground beside them. "You then do the
GRAVEST insult of all, and EAT as many watermelons as you
can in front of it--As viciously as you can!
"Then the next person will be given their chance. That
is all."
Akane raised her hand, "Excuse me, Ma'am. But what if
there's a tie?"
She paused in her hasty withdrawal long enough to say,
"I don't think we will have to worry about any ties."
The thug pushed the old geezer down, and claimed first
up. Mixed with a torrent of profanity (which the old
ladies bore with the grace of good hostesses) was his
bragging about what a stud he was, and that he didn't
NEED a fourth-rate god like this one to prove what a man
he was!! He'd come here at the end of summer to smash the
biggest watermelon in the world, just like a favorite
Japanese game did! He didn't even need a baseball bat!
Without a score card, it really didn't make much
sense; and trying to close her ears to the foul language
didn't help Akane understand what its purpose was. But
she was becoming suspicious. And uneasy.
Meanwhile, Kunou had "decided to stretch his legs"
while he waited. He strode past the cue card lady,
pretending she wasn't there. He glanced around without
seeing, then ducked around towards the front of the Great
Watermelon. He said to himself, "Why take a chance with
ONE small fruit of the vine? If the legend is correct,
THIS one shall surely deliver my love!" He took out his
hypodermic needle and stabbed it into the monster fruit.
The watermelon god buckled, its bulk retreating from
the needle that had injected it. It rolled to the far
edge of the altar, where it trembled and shook. Kunou
(and everybody else) stared in dumb awe at the now
animate object. The hand with the needle was frozen up in
the air.
The needle not a threat, for the moment, the huge
fruit jumped back, knocking Kunou flat on his back. It's
great weight broke its altar.
But the Great Watermelon did not fall. It hovered,
rolling in midair.
Kunou reached for his sword. Finally, the Kendo
Watermelon Slicing Technique would be of real used! But
the boulder-like idol started bouncing on him. He never
had a chance. He was pounded into the ground.
Ranma cried, "Aw, GEEZ! I hate to hafta say this, but
I guess I gotta save the jerk." She tossed regular-sized
watermelons at it. They smashed up against the thick rind
of the monster watermelon. While the attack did no harm
to it, it DID draw its attention to Ranma.
Ranma was on it, and kicked it away from the now
unconscious Kunou.
But the watermelon spirit used its power to bring its
home back, aiming to bounce on Ranma now. Leaping aside,
the pigtailed girl cried, "Tenshin Amagakuren, Revised:
WATERMELON Roasting Over an Open Fire!!" And chopped at
it repeatedly with the side of her hand. She was cut the
largest watermelon slice anybody had ever seen.
The watermelon god rolled, twisted, and writhed; then
bright light of its spiritual energy shone through its
open wound. Akane said, "I think Ranma just made it mad."
Suddenly, the two circles appeared where Ranma had hit
it with the smaller watermelons. Theses combined with the
missing slice to make a face, two red eyes and a mouth
with black seeds for little teeth. The final phase of it
anthropomorphism came when it sprouted vines that became
arms, and legs, with hands and feet.
Ranma said, "This is STUPIDER than even that enchanted
panda drawing I had to date."
The watermelon screamed, "No! No, no, no! No!! I'll
never forgive you! How...How could you CUT me!!?!
Prepare to meet your doom, ALL of you!!"
The thug cried, "YES!! This is what I was WAITIN'
for!!" And he cracked a watermelon in two.
The husband of the drunk couple said, "It's a good
thing I think this is just the booze."
The wife of the other couple said, "Ikki! We came her
to make a man out of you: Now be one!!"
"Yes, dear!" he said, biting into a slice of one of
his watermelons.
Sharing a large slice of their own, the newlyweds said
as one, "This is what we came here for, to start our
marriage with children!"
Akane GOT it!! No WONDER only the only towns people at
the contest were women too old to have--"Ranma!! Don't let
the seeds TOUCH you: That's a FERTILITY god!!!"
NOW Ranma was worried: "A WHAT!!?" It was a good thing
that just like she could snatch chestnuts from a fire
without getting burned, she could break open the rind
without getting wet from its meat.
The Great Watermelon god spit seed after seed at the
human girl that had wounded it. Ranma leaped. The seeds
followed. She somersaulted away, making sudden changes of
direction to stay just one vault from the fecund seeds.
And she couldn't return to any place she HAD been,
because it was covered with watermelon seeds and slime!
If she slipped on the slime....
While the other contestants complained about NOT being
spit on, Ranma was saying, "This is no good! I can't stay
on defense! It can fly! All it has to do is get high
enough and strafe me! I need to attack it! But HOW!!?!"
A glance at Akane saw that SHE was putting her fists
through a couple of watermelons, as if they were boxing
gloves. Of course! Ranma now knew what to do!
She backflipped for the slice she'd cut out of the it.
Quickly, but carefully, lifting it up, she used the wedge
as a shield--And shoved it into the 'grapping mouth' of
the monster watermelon.
The watermelon god made noises, but it could not be
heard because of the gag. Ranma said, "Okay: NOW, what do
I do!?"
While she was thinking, she got pelted by seeds. THIS
time from the angry contestants and THEIR watermelons. It
was only a matter of seconds before THEY attacked Ranma!
The Great Watermelon started rising up into the air.
"Oh, no you don't!!" Ranma cried, jumping to keep the
wedge-gag pressed into its "mouth".
As Ranma held on and rode the thing as it rolled
around in midair, she knew she had only once chance. And
if one chance was all she had, then she HAD to take a
risk! At the top, she let go of the giant wedge, and ran
to stay on top of the watermelon. Which amazed the
contestants enough for them to stop them in their tracks.
She knew that the watermelon spirit inside was going to
bring its now open "mouth" around to spit seeds at her,
perhaps even "swallow" her, but...
Just when she judged its mouth was on the other side,
she focused all of her strength at ONE point in the rind:
KER-rack-shaaarrk! That blow cracked the watermelon all
the way around from top to bottom. The weakest area was
the open slice facing the ground, and THAT was the
direction the seeds and slime burst out of!
Ranma leaped far away the fertilier that the other
contestants ran to bathe in. Standing on the ground, she
watched the white glow of the spirit rise into the sky from
the hulk of the great watermelon. She laughed, "Without
a place to stay in, it CAN'T hang around: Threat over with!
*Ha, ha, ha!*" Why was a part of her was NOT so relieved.
She laughed too soon. The white light dropped back
down, picked up the two halves of the monster watermelon,
and brought them over to the human mocking it. SMOOSH!!
Ranma was totally immersed wet slime and seeds inside the
two halves.
Just when Ranma thought she might drown, they fell
away. Harvest time was over with, and the fertility
spirit had to depart for another year.
Akane cried, "Ranma!! Ranma, speak to me!!"
She spit out a fountain of slime and seeds. Akane
wasn't worried enough about Ranma to get THAT close to
being fertilized.
She remembered, "Oh! Hot water!!" She tossed the lid
of the teakettle she'd borrowed and threw it on the girl
Ranma. From a distance.
The wind was with her. The hot water splashed Ranma.
Only Ranma didn't change: Ranma remained a girl!!
While Akane stood there stricken by the terror, Kunou
had come to. He ran to her, "The Pigtailed Girl!!" He
pulled her limp, slimy form up against him, and prayed,
"Please, let the legends be true! Let there really BE a
fertility god!"
Finding her strength, Ranma shoved the creep away,
"Even IF the damned thing DID make me fertile, I have to
DO something about it for it to MEAN anything--And if YOU
think I'm gonna let you--"
Kunou said, "But the deed is, I dare hope, already
done, My True Love! I injected a magic solution into the
watermelon that contained my OWN love!"
"YOU WHATTT!!!?"
"You have no choice but to marry me, now, My Beloved
Mother-To-Be! Such is the ancient ways, even Saotome will
have to give you up!"
Akane screamed as an ugly, little Buddhist monk
appeared beside her, "Wishful thinking on his part. He is
a most unfortunate soul." It was now safe for him to
appear.
A glamorous woman dressed like a Shinto priestess told
them, "It did not contain ANY of his spermatozoa."
Kunou protested, "I did not say it did! But it WAS a magic
potion!! From the ingredients I provided!! You GUARRANTEED
your work—It was IN the contract!!"
The monk said, "He supplied us with the hair, nail
clippings, skin flakes, blood, mucus, and...OTHER bodily
fluids of the females he desired to be his. (So
un-Buddha-like.)"
Kunou nodded curtly, "Yes. I have my manservant Sasuke
collect those mementos of the two I most dearly love in
this world! He is most thorough, if LAX about labeling
which of my true loves they came from."
The priestess said, "Yes, I suspected the samples were
contaminated with another's."
The monk said, "And those ARE the necessary
ingredients for most love potions."
The priestess told him, "But YOU turned it into a
fertility potion by bringing it here! Subjecting it to
the higher rules and vagaries of a god!"
The monk also informed him, "Now, if he had supplied
some of his OWN seed...."
Kunou blushed bright red, "I COULDN'T!"
Akane went up to the priestess (and away from the
little man who made her skin itch), "Then Ranma ISN'T
pregnant?!" she hoped.
The beautiful priestess told her, "I cannot guarantee
that. The idiot supplied us with SO much material from
the two females he has his crush on, there HAD to be
quite a lot of stem cells. Under the proper conditions,
stem cells CAN be used to pass on genetic information. I
hear that theoretically they could even be used to make a
MAN pregnant."
Akane gasped, "Y, you mean, Ran, Ranma's the father of
her own *gulp* child!?!"
The priestess said, "Of course not! Where would the
morality be in that? We ARE spiritual people. We would
never allow that to happen."
Before anybody could sigh in relief, the monk said,
"If she is pregnant by anybody, it is by the OTHER girl."
Ranma cried, "You mean AKANE'S the father!!?!!"
Akane fainted.
The priestess said, "Stand back! I can help: I'm an
expert in modern medicine!" Over her shoulder, she told
the pigtailed girl, "You're next!"
As the monk was about to start his praying for Ranma,
he said, "I hope you WANT a child. A fertility god will
haunt you until you DO have one."
'
'
The End.
'
[Author's notes: Stem cells can be found scattered in
small amounts throughout the body, especially in bone
marrow and the dental roots. Stem cells from a mother can
survive well into her children's adulthood.
'
[The idea for this story STARTED from the dream Ranma had
about having kids with Kunou. The dream where she marries
Picolette is found in the anime, not in the manga. But I
think it is appropriate to add it because it seems in
keeping with the first dream. Then I needed something to
feel out the story, and provide an excuse for some
action. The Great Watermelon god comes from an episode of
"Urusei Yatsura" (better known as "Lum"), ALSO created by
Rumiko Takahashi. THERE it was thought just stupid that
the "god" would punish people by spitting seeds on them.
In MY version, nine months later, they found that it had
done MORE (as in population explosion). Of course, in the
original story, Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Mendou, the
priestess AND monk had ALSO gotten slimed. But since THEY
didn't become more fertile (that we know of), I made this
a possibly different world from theirs. That is why I
NEVER mentioned the names of the priestess and monk.]
By Ron Dow75
Ranma was dressed like somebody out of a Tarzan movie,
Jane. In her leopard-skin one-piece she called out to her
husband as she bore their youngest child strapped to her
back, "Lunchtime, dearest!"
In his matching trunks, Kunou walked over slowly.
"We've been stuck on this island so many years...we're
lovebirds in paradise, right?" He put an arm over
Ranma's shoulder as they admired their four children.
"I'm so blissful," she said...
///
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" girl-Ranma
screamed!
She looked around, Where IS he!?!! She was ready to
slap Kunou silly.
Then she realized, slap?? Why would a martial artist
JUST slap? Why would a GUY slap!?
While she was examining her open hand, the panda
smacked her with the back of its paw.
She came up from her roll, to demand, "Why'd you
do...." She finally realized that it had been a dream.
Now, it was night. They were in a real inn, something
that didn't happen much. They usually slept out. If they
made too much noise, they would be asked to leave.
Trust Pop to be more concerned about that than what
CAUSED her outburst.
It didn't help HER feel better knowing that Kunou was
the one picking up the tab.
She got up, and out to the 2nd story balcony. She
jumped out.
///
Girl-Ranma walked the beach under the moonlight alone.
She put her hands up to her biceps (pressing her chilled
boobs together) and wished she had brought a coat. At
least a long-sleeved shirt. Hot water would've helped!
Girls were more sensitive to cold than guys. He'd learned
that firsthand.
She was turning around to go back inside, when she saw
Watermelon Island. Even under the dim light it LOOKED
like a watermelon bobbing above the sea. But more to the
point, it was a deserted island with NOTHING but
watermelons growing on it. That is why it had become the
best place to train for the legendary "Kendo Watermelon
Technique". And the price everybody had mastered it
was amnesia.
Like Kunou. The samurai idiot had whacked HIMSELF on
the head with his own sword when one of the watermelons
he'd rigged to fall had landed on it. Ranma shuddered,
and this time not from the breeze coming off of the
ocean. The jerk had become an even bigger pain when he
DIDN'T know her! What restraint he HAD had was gone. He
was willing to go as far as to challenge her, "Date me or
die!" When she'd tried to escape, she ended up on that
island by herself with Kuno with nothing but her
swimsuit, and no hot water. Her only weapons against the
now (she'd thought) formidable swordsman were watermelons
and boulders. It was just Ranma's luck that a watermelon
had come back and conked her unconscious.
And that was when she first had that dream, of being
the trapped on that island, Eve to his Adam, mother of
their kids.
The dream hadn't ended there; it'd come back. What did
they say about dreaming of the same thing three times?
"I'm NOT gonna sleep," she swore.
///
...The man put an arm over Ranma's shoulder as they
admired their children.
"I'm so blissful," she said...
The nightmare was interrupted by, "Ranma, Wake up!
What are you doing out here?"
Ranma opened her eyes to see Akane, and then the
Kasumi. The eldest sister called to the rest of the
Tendous, "Akane's found Ranma!" They were all in beach
robes and swimsuits, carrying their beach bags. Though
there was still a chill in the early morning air, they
wanted to make the most of their last day at the resort.
Again, it took an adjustment to get away from that
horrible dream. She'd actually fallen asleep standing up,
leaning against one of the kissaten (tea & coffee houses)
along the beach. That's right, after jogging around and
doing her katas, she'd thought about breaking in and
buying enough caffeine to keep a horse awake. ...And
drinks were yet another thing girls reacted more strongly
to.
Kasumi said, "Oh, my. Where did you find what you're
wearing, Ranma?"
Ranma looked down at the beach coverall she was
wearing, "Somebody threw it away. It's warm, so as long
as I'm a girl, I don't care what it looks like." In
keeping with the theme of the area, it had large
watermelon on it, below her bust.
Nabiki said, "Perhaps you should, Ranma."
Akane, now, saw what her sisters were talking about,
"No wonder the woman who was given that as a gift threw
it away: That's a maternity dress! What woman wants to be
reminded her belly will grow as big as a watermelon!?"
Ranma did the pose as she stammered, "Ma, ma,
maternity...!" And she'd had the same dream THREE times!!
No! Technically the last one WASN'T the same one! The
man in it hadn't BEEN Kuno, but some other, unknown guy
being the father of her children. So it wasn't going to
come true, WAS it!!
Nabiki snickered, "That's some reaction you have
there."
Ranma reasserted her dignity, "So WHAT if it is, what
you say it is. I just need a belt or something to make a
waist, and anybody's gonna know." She actually wanted a
girl's narrow waist? It was better than having the
alternative for a girl.
Before the sisters could say anything, their father
was speaking, "Ranma, my boy! Your father is still eating
breakfast. But that is the last meal that Kuno-lad will
be paying for. But we've--" (Nabiki interrupted with,
"I found.") "--Nabiki has found that there is a way to
WIN a free three days and two nights stay at one of the
inns around here."
Tying the sash from Akane's beach robe around the
maternity coverall, Ranma asked sourly, "What stupid
martial arts event is it this time? Kickin' sand? Takin' a
sand castle? Turnin' seashells into ninja throwin' stars?
Cannonballs?"
Mr. Tendou assured her, "No martial arts at all. It is
merely an eating contest! I thought Genma and you would
enter for us!"
Kasumi smiled, "Oh, my, yes! If there are any people
who know how to eat, it's the Saotomes!"
Nabiki said, "And she says it like it's a good thing."
Akane didn't like the idea of being left out, "Hey,
what about me?!"
Nabiki said, "You're on a diet, Akane. You're always
on a diet."
Kasumi said, "And an eating contest gives her the
perfect excuse to leave off the dieting! Go for it,
Akane!"
Nabiki said, "Under THAT logic, I might as well enter,
too."
After adjusting for a few more wrinkles, Ranma pulled
the loose part of the coverall out as she looked past her
bust, "There! Now the watermelon on this thing looks like
a giant pickle."
Nabiki said, "Leave it to you, Ranma, to get into a
pickle."
///
While Mr. Tendou went to the small village down the
coast that was sponsoring the contest, Akane and Ranma
went to the closest restaurant that was open. The redhead
told the waitress, "Hot water, no tea."
Akane asked, "What kept you out of your room all
night, Ranma? Kunou?"
Girl-Ranma flinched. "No. I just had a...bad dream."
Her voice had gotten quieter.
Akane said, "More of those nightmares of yours? You
won't tell me about them, but perhaps you should see a
councilor you can talk to. There may be a pattern."
Ranma glared at her, "Have my head shrunk!?" She
paused as the waitress came with their complimentary
water. When they the waitress had left, Ranma picked her
cup, "The problem is that my head DOES shrink!" And she
poured the hot water on her head.
"Akh!" guy-Ranma cried, loosening the sash tightened
for a wasp waist.
Akane tensed. But it didn't seem as if the few people
around noticed Ranma changing into a guy. Now if he had
been wearing a bikini....
Akane still lowered her voice, "Are you sure that
nothing happened on that island, yesterday?"
Ranma didn't LIKE remembering it. "I told you, ALL
that happened was I lost to ONE watermelon. It was a
fluke!" He didn't want to tell Akane how she had reacted
like a scared girl when the jerk threatened her with his
wooden sword. She had actually teared up and ran! Then,
instead of pulling out her martial arts techniques, she'd
gone straight to her girl tactics, calling him darling
and acting like she would LIKE to hug, and kiss, maybe
even.... Ranma's stomach knotted.
Akane said, "Uh, hunh." Ranma was blocking what could
happen to a girl who was passed out and protected only by
a guy's honor. And Kunou had certainly been acting less
than honorably!
But Akane had looked for the signs on Ranma's legs,
and on the swimsuit she took off before changing back.
When they got back, she had asked Kasumi to look for
anything different about Ranma's laundry. She had even
thought about splashing cold water on Ranma before she
went to the toilet, and then sneaking in with a home
pregnancy test.
All of that had made her VERY uncomfortable. It was
acknowledging that Ranma could be more of a girl than she
liked to think about. She just hoped Dr. Tofu's research
was correct and that a cursed female would be stuck in
whichever form became pregnant. So, since Ranma COULD
change, that meant Ranma WASN'T, right!?!!
Scowling, Ranma asked, "Where IS the mental case?"
"Kunou SHOULD be in a hospital. But I hear he went
looking for priestess in the area who's famous for her
healing powers and exorcisms."
"Hmf! Maybe she can get rid of his stupidity demon."
"That would be stupid. Then you couldn't trick him."
"But he'd be smart enough to know I'm NOT a girl!" Did
he feel a pang?
That got some attention from the customers.
Akane took Ranma's hand, "Come on."
Ranma asked, "But what about breakfast?!"
"We're in an eating contest. You know what they say,
"You have to have a hunger to win." More people were
staring at them. "Er, Ranma, about the maternity dress
you have on as a guy...?"
///
Kunou walked up the steps of the Shinto temple. He
yelped in surprise to find somebody unexpectedly standing
at the top, as if waiting. The ugly, little, old man
dressed as a Buddhist monk told him, "You have a most
unfortunate face."
Kunou didn't normally strike holly people. But he felt
a strong urge to harm THIS one. "Why did you startle me
as you did, monk!?! IF that is what you truly are," he
threatened with his wooden sword.
"Don't you want to know about your fortune?"
Kunou yelled, "I HAVE people who look after my
fortune! Why would I want to hire you!?"
A woman interrupted them, "Uncle!! What have I told
you about showing your ugly face around the temple!
You're bad for business!! People get the idea you're a
demon painting come to life!"
Kunou marveled. This mature woman of thirty in the
attire of a Shinto priestess was as beautiful as her
uncle was not. He stepped on the obnoxious, little man as
he approached her, "My Dear Woman, I am seriously tempted
to disregard the differences in our ages, and DATE with
you!"
She looked at the youth hard in his eyes, "And it's
idiot men saying things like that which has driven me
AWAY from the populated areas they're the densest! Now,
come!" she said turning for the modest temple. "You must
be here about a recent spell of amnesia."
The still smitten samurai lad followed, "Priestess!
Your ability to discern ailments is wondrous."
"No. I heard that yet another kendo idiot had taken
the legend of Watermelon Island seriously without
checking the facts." And Kunou, as usual, WAS dressed the
part.
When they got to the temple, the priestess had the boy
sit on the ground, while she sat on the porch. She ran
her hands up along his neck and on up, and through his
hair. "You have a lot of bumps on your head."
"It is the fault of that accursed Ranma Saotome! He
walks over others: Even *I*, his sempai and Noble Lord of
Nerima!"
"I see. But HE wasn't the one responsible for you
losing your memory."
"But he WAS. It was because of that low man I needed
to take drastic steps to advance my already notorious
swordsmanship. It is only by defeating him that I can
release the hold he has on the two that I love above all
others."
"I see," the priestess said in a noncommittal tone as
she took something out from under her white jacket.
"And most despicable of ALL his dastardly deeds is the
black magic he uses to separate the Pigtailed Girl from
any sort of a normal life!" he wept at the thought.
"...Or love."
Paying more attention to the stethoscope now in her
ears, she said, "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen to your
thorax." To his unasked question, the woman told him as
she thumped his chest, "I am also a qualified nurse." It
took her only a few more moments to determine, "Your eyes
are not dilated, your skin is not clammy, your pulse is
normal, nor there is no sign of internal abnormalities.
And your chi energy is flowing for what I judge is normal
for you. As far as I can tell without an MRI, you've
sustained no lasting damage. I would recommend you
REFRAIN from any further fighting or strenuous activity
for at least two weeks."
"TWO WEEKS!?!" Kunou cried in agony. "I cannot stand
the thought of my Pigtailed Venus being in clutches of
that merciless VILLAIN Saotome for one second more than I
can help it!!"
The ugly, old Buddhist monk surprised them as he again
appeared as if from nowhere, "If the girl is under a
spell, perhaps another spell is needed."
A crosshatch appeared on the priestess as she made a
fist, "Uncle! We don't NEED to get involved in this
affair!"
But for once, Kunou had picked up on an idea, "Of
course! It takes a spell to break a spell! I will reward
you munificently if you can deliver me the Pigtailed
Girl!" He then picked up his wooden sword, "And once I
have HER, Saotome's distraction from his sense of loss
will then lead to his, true and PERMANENT loss!"
The monk said to his niece, "You are right. This is no
affaire of ours."
Kunou blinked. "Name your price: Gold! Jewels!
Priceless antiques! Stocks listed on the Nikkei
Exchange!"
The gnome-like man said took a praying posture, "I am
a simple monk, and my needs are simple."
Kunou understood. If the holy man was a wanderer, then
the only things he had need of were clothing and, "A
year's supply of French haut cuisine!"
The man AND his niece cried, "Sold!!"
///
Soun hurried back to the resort. After a frantic
search, he found the panda sitting out on the beach
wearing a sunhat, a wet towel and fanning itself. "Genma!
I have great news! The upcoming contest is the
opportunity we've been looking for that will INSURE Ranma
marries my daughter Akane!!"
The panda held up a sign, [?].
"It seems that up until a few years ago, the village
lived in fear of what they called their watermelon god.
Though they grew them, nobody dared eat one, or sell any
to outsiders until they'd appeased the god. They would
select one watermelon each year and subject it to a
special process that would cause it to grow larger than
all of the others! This would be the living embodiment of
their god. When it had ripened they would put it on the
altar of the Great Watermelon, and on the appointed day--
Today!--the whole village would engage in rituals
designed to calm its spirit!"
The panda held up a sign, [So?].
"As I said, that changed a few years ago. The mayor
called on a priestess and a monk to rid the village of the
danger from its possible anger once and for all. When
asked what that was, they couldn't be told. The villagers
had been living in fear for so many generations, that they
forgot what would happen if the watermelon spirit were
NOT pleased."
The panda didn't hold up a sign. It was losing
interest.
"Well, before the exorcists had a chance to rid the
village of the spirit, the Great Watermelon got very
angry and attacked every man in the village."
[And the village discovered what the watermelon did.]
"Exactly!! But not until they sent the exorcists away,
unpaid. Then, rather than get rid of its vengeful spirit,
the elders of the village decided to hold a festival to
attract tourists!"
[So that the TOURISTS could be the sacrifices.]
"Exactly!!"
///
In her robe and swimsuit, Kasumi found her sister,
"Nabiki! It's time to go to the contest."
Nabiki remained where she was sunbathing on the beach.
"I'm not going. You really didn't think I was serious
when I said I might as well enter, did you? Eating
contests are messy and disgusting. And what goes in, MAY
come out."
"Suit yourself."
"Kasumi! I'd recommend YOU didn't go either, even as a
spectator."
"And why not, Nabiki?"
"I can read the signs. Panda signs."
///
A few kilometers down the coast, around a promontory
was a typical village by the sea, under terraced farms in
the foothills that reached down to its long, wide, and
little used beach. It was almost as if it were out of an
earlier time, despite the resort being so close. Looking
down on idyllic setting, Akane had to wonder, "What keeps
the tourists and developers away?"
Ranma's only answer was his stomach growling.
The two fathers pointed up the long, stone flight of
stairs in a grassy hill. Mr. Tendou told Ranma and Akane,
"All contestants must present themselves before the their
idol on the altar at the top."
Mr. Saotome said, "It is all part of the local
ceremony."
Ranma had been all around and into the deepest parts
of Japan, and knew how seriously the locals took their
own peculiar customs. The pigtailed boy started up the
stairs, "Aren't you comin', Pop? You're in this thing,
too, aren't you?"
Genma held up his hands and waved him off, "No! Heh,
heh! There must be an age limit! This is something best
entered into by a young couple!"
Soun told his accomplice, "Saotome, I think you're
telling more than enough."
Agreeing, both of them fled.
Akane said, "I've got a feeling they're not telling US
enough."
Ranma told her, "Forget about it. Let's get the stupid
part over with, so I can get to eatin'. I'm starvin'! I
ain't had nothing since yesterday."
At the very top, out in the open, was a sturdy, three-
tiered Shinto wooden altar with sake, rice balls, and
other offerings. But what REALLY drew their eyes was what
was the idol, judging by the zigzag paper gohei draped
over the thing on top. It was a watermelon. A huge
watermelon. A watermelon the size of a boulder!
Both Ranma and Akane nearly did facefaults. Ranma
cried, "I'm not THAT hungry!!"
Akane held her own belly, "It makes me sick just to
look at it. Anything THAT big can't be good to eat."
An middle-aged woman in a kimono came around from the
other side, "Oh, goody, more outsiders! Come, the contest
tables are on this side."
There were four low tables arranged in a semi-circle
around the Great Watermelon altar, with more that could
be set down if more contestants showed up. There was a
shy couple that looked like newlyweds; a thug-type with
bulging muscles and tattoos; two middle-aged couples, one
drunk, the other arguing; and a very old man who could
barely stand up on his own. And, with his back away from
them, standing over a pile of watermelons, somebody they
DID know.
Ranma went up to him, "Hey, Kunou! How's the head
case?!"
Kunou yelped in surprise, "Ranma Saotome!!" dropping
what he'd had in his hand.
Lucky for him, his arch-enemy didn't notice the
hypodermic needle. "So," Ranma said, "you're in this
contest, too?"
Kunou asked, "I wanted a match with the Pigtailed
Girl! You're not trying to prevent my challenging her!?!"
"You mean, "If she wins, you would date with her"? As
good a reason as that is for her NOT to show up, she has
no choice. This is a WATER-melon eating contest. Cold
watermelon."
"I don't understand!"
"Nothing new there."
Akane pushed Ranma away, "We have to find a place for
you to change. Honestly, I don't know what our fathers
were thinking: Insisting you show up as a guy!"
Before Kunou could regale the sturdy and true Akane
Tendou with poetic verse without rhyme or reason, he
remembered his mission. If he could remain focused on
that, he'd be able to indulge himself to his heart's
content. He found the needle. There was just a few drops
of solution left in the syringe. He looked for the
watermelon with the tiny puncture hole. "I must mark it,
so that I know WHICH of them has the magic potion in
it...."
But as he looked, and searched, finally tearing at his
hair: "I don't know which one it IS!!" He dropped to his
knees, "If only I had THOUGHT to bring faithful Sasuke
with me! I could blame HIM for this grievous error!"
///
Ranma and Akane, the single females, sat on a blanket
at the same table. Each couple was together at their own
ones, and the thug and geezer sat at the same table.
Kunou had bought the right to have a table all to
himself. On the end next to Ranma's and Akane's, of
course. Akane had made sure Ranma was closer to him,
which nearly made the pigtailed girl loose her appetite.
Akane looked at the pile of watermelons, waiting to be
eaten. There had to be at least a hundred. "I hope this
isn't about how many you can eat."
Confident, Ranma-chan put her hands back behind her
head, "If it is, I bet I can win, even with a girl's
smaller stomach. And if it's about speed, I have the
training I got in "Martial Arts Dining" when I was
engaged to Picolette." Suddenly she froze in déjà vu.
As the condition for the training, Ranma had committed
herself to becoming "Mrs. Picolette Chardin II". If she
hadn't won the showdown dinner, she'd have been honor
bound to be marry the guy!! She had dreamed of the
wedding. Alone, the two of them had eaten the giant
wedding cake together. Ranma's grin had been large enough
to wrap around a watermelon! LITERALLY, thanks to the
grotesque methods their methods could lead to.
In her dream, her mouth had become a vacuum hose and
had actually REACHED out to kiss the blonde! Had she
actually LIKED it when Picolette had sucked face?
Ranma's arms and head dropped. Of COURSE she didn't
want to marry Picolette, and DEFINITELY not Kunou.
But...were those dreams her subconscious trying to tell
her that, that, maybe, perhaps, the girl in her had the
urge to find a guy?
She thought about that maternity coverall she had put
on. DID she have maternal instincts?...
The oldest of the townsladies got up to explain the
rules. Akane looking at the few people off to the side,
she said, "Ranma, did you notice that all of the
spectators and officials are women? And none seems
younger than 45-years-old."
Ranma-chan was too lost in her own disconcertion to
respond.
The matriarch in a kimono said, "The rules are these:
One person at a time will get up and insult the Great
Watermelon." She gestured to the monster one on the altar
before them. "If any of you are at a loss of what to call
it, we have women with cue cards standing up." Two of the
older ones knelt on either side of the altar, their
poster boards on the ground beside them. "You then do the
GRAVEST insult of all, and EAT as many watermelons as you
can in front of it--As viciously as you can!
"Then the next person will be given their chance. That
is all."
Akane raised her hand, "Excuse me, Ma'am. But what if
there's a tie?"
She paused in her hasty withdrawal long enough to say,
"I don't think we will have to worry about any ties."
The thug pushed the old geezer down, and claimed first
up. Mixed with a torrent of profanity (which the old
ladies bore with the grace of good hostesses) was his
bragging about what a stud he was, and that he didn't
NEED a fourth-rate god like this one to prove what a man
he was!! He'd come here at the end of summer to smash the
biggest watermelon in the world, just like a favorite
Japanese game did! He didn't even need a baseball bat!
Without a score card, it really didn't make much
sense; and trying to close her ears to the foul language
didn't help Akane understand what its purpose was. But
she was becoming suspicious. And uneasy.
Meanwhile, Kunou had "decided to stretch his legs"
while he waited. He strode past the cue card lady,
pretending she wasn't there. He glanced around without
seeing, then ducked around towards the front of the Great
Watermelon. He said to himself, "Why take a chance with
ONE small fruit of the vine? If the legend is correct,
THIS one shall surely deliver my love!" He took out his
hypodermic needle and stabbed it into the monster fruit.
The watermelon god buckled, its bulk retreating from
the needle that had injected it. It rolled to the far
edge of the altar, where it trembled and shook. Kunou
(and everybody else) stared in dumb awe at the now
animate object. The hand with the needle was frozen up in
the air.
The needle not a threat, for the moment, the huge
fruit jumped back, knocking Kunou flat on his back. It's
great weight broke its altar.
But the Great Watermelon did not fall. It hovered,
rolling in midair.
Kunou reached for his sword. Finally, the Kendo
Watermelon Slicing Technique would be of real used! But
the boulder-like idol started bouncing on him. He never
had a chance. He was pounded into the ground.
Ranma cried, "Aw, GEEZ! I hate to hafta say this, but
I guess I gotta save the jerk." She tossed regular-sized
watermelons at it. They smashed up against the thick rind
of the monster watermelon. While the attack did no harm
to it, it DID draw its attention to Ranma.
Ranma was on it, and kicked it away from the now
unconscious Kunou.
But the watermelon spirit used its power to bring its
home back, aiming to bounce on Ranma now. Leaping aside,
the pigtailed girl cried, "Tenshin Amagakuren, Revised:
WATERMELON Roasting Over an Open Fire!!" And chopped at
it repeatedly with the side of her hand. She was cut the
largest watermelon slice anybody had ever seen.
The watermelon god rolled, twisted, and writhed; then
bright light of its spiritual energy shone through its
open wound. Akane said, "I think Ranma just made it mad."
Suddenly, the two circles appeared where Ranma had hit
it with the smaller watermelons. Theses combined with the
missing slice to make a face, two red eyes and a mouth
with black seeds for little teeth. The final phase of it
anthropomorphism came when it sprouted vines that became
arms, and legs, with hands and feet.
Ranma said, "This is STUPIDER than even that enchanted
panda drawing I had to date."
The watermelon screamed, "No! No, no, no! No!! I'll
never forgive you! How...How could you CUT me!!?!
Prepare to meet your doom, ALL of you!!"
The thug cried, "YES!! This is what I was WAITIN'
for!!" And he cracked a watermelon in two.
The husband of the drunk couple said, "It's a good
thing I think this is just the booze."
The wife of the other couple said, "Ikki! We came her
to make a man out of you: Now be one!!"
"Yes, dear!" he said, biting into a slice of one of
his watermelons.
Sharing a large slice of their own, the newlyweds said
as one, "This is what we came here for, to start our
marriage with children!"
Akane GOT it!! No WONDER only the only towns people at
the contest were women too old to have--"Ranma!! Don't let
the seeds TOUCH you: That's a FERTILITY god!!!"
NOW Ranma was worried: "A WHAT!!?" It was a good thing
that just like she could snatch chestnuts from a fire
without getting burned, she could break open the rind
without getting wet from its meat.
The Great Watermelon god spit seed after seed at the
human girl that had wounded it. Ranma leaped. The seeds
followed. She somersaulted away, making sudden changes of
direction to stay just one vault from the fecund seeds.
And she couldn't return to any place she HAD been,
because it was covered with watermelon seeds and slime!
If she slipped on the slime....
While the other contestants complained about NOT being
spit on, Ranma was saying, "This is no good! I can't stay
on defense! It can fly! All it has to do is get high
enough and strafe me! I need to attack it! But HOW!!?!"
A glance at Akane saw that SHE was putting her fists
through a couple of watermelons, as if they were boxing
gloves. Of course! Ranma now knew what to do!
She backflipped for the slice she'd cut out of the it.
Quickly, but carefully, lifting it up, she used the wedge
as a shield--And shoved it into the 'grapping mouth' of
the monster watermelon.
The watermelon god made noises, but it could not be
heard because of the gag. Ranma said, "Okay: NOW, what do
I do!?"
While she was thinking, she got pelted by seeds. THIS
time from the angry contestants and THEIR watermelons. It
was only a matter of seconds before THEY attacked Ranma!
The Great Watermelon started rising up into the air.
"Oh, no you don't!!" Ranma cried, jumping to keep the
wedge-gag pressed into its "mouth".
As Ranma held on and rode the thing as it rolled
around in midair, she knew she had only once chance. And
if one chance was all she had, then she HAD to take a
risk! At the top, she let go of the giant wedge, and ran
to stay on top of the watermelon. Which amazed the
contestants enough for them to stop them in their tracks.
She knew that the watermelon spirit inside was going to
bring its now open "mouth" around to spit seeds at her,
perhaps even "swallow" her, but...
Just when she judged its mouth was on the other side,
she focused all of her strength at ONE point in the rind:
KER-rack-shaaarrk! That blow cracked the watermelon all
the way around from top to bottom. The weakest area was
the open slice facing the ground, and THAT was the
direction the seeds and slime burst out of!
Ranma leaped far away the fertilier that the other
contestants ran to bathe in. Standing on the ground, she
watched the white glow of the spirit rise into the sky from
the hulk of the great watermelon. She laughed, "Without
a place to stay in, it CAN'T hang around: Threat over with!
*Ha, ha, ha!*" Why was a part of her was NOT so relieved.
She laughed too soon. The white light dropped back
down, picked up the two halves of the monster watermelon,
and brought them over to the human mocking it. SMOOSH!!
Ranma was totally immersed wet slime and seeds inside the
two halves.
Just when Ranma thought she might drown, they fell
away. Harvest time was over with, and the fertility
spirit had to depart for another year.
Akane cried, "Ranma!! Ranma, speak to me!!"
She spit out a fountain of slime and seeds. Akane
wasn't worried enough about Ranma to get THAT close to
being fertilized.
She remembered, "Oh! Hot water!!" She tossed the lid
of the teakettle she'd borrowed and threw it on the girl
Ranma. From a distance.
The wind was with her. The hot water splashed Ranma.
Only Ranma didn't change: Ranma remained a girl!!
While Akane stood there stricken by the terror, Kunou
had come to. He ran to her, "The Pigtailed Girl!!" He
pulled her limp, slimy form up against him, and prayed,
"Please, let the legends be true! Let there really BE a
fertility god!"
Finding her strength, Ranma shoved the creep away,
"Even IF the damned thing DID make me fertile, I have to
DO something about it for it to MEAN anything--And if YOU
think I'm gonna let you--"
Kunou said, "But the deed is, I dare hope, already
done, My True Love! I injected a magic solution into the
watermelon that contained my OWN love!"
"YOU WHATTT!!!?"
"You have no choice but to marry me, now, My Beloved
Mother-To-Be! Such is the ancient ways, even Saotome will
have to give you up!"
Akane screamed as an ugly, little Buddhist monk
appeared beside her, "Wishful thinking on his part. He is
a most unfortunate soul." It was now safe for him to
appear.
A glamorous woman dressed like a Shinto priestess told
them, "It did not contain ANY of his spermatozoa."
Kunou protested, "I did not say it did! But it WAS a magic
potion!! From the ingredients I provided!! You GUARRANTEED
your work—It was IN the contract!!"
The monk said, "He supplied us with the hair, nail
clippings, skin flakes, blood, mucus, and...OTHER bodily
fluids of the females he desired to be his. (So
un-Buddha-like.)"
Kunou nodded curtly, "Yes. I have my manservant Sasuke
collect those mementos of the two I most dearly love in
this world! He is most thorough, if LAX about labeling
which of my true loves they came from."
The priestess said, "Yes, I suspected the samples were
contaminated with another's."
The monk said, "And those ARE the necessary
ingredients for most love potions."
The priestess told him, "But YOU turned it into a
fertility potion by bringing it here! Subjecting it to
the higher rules and vagaries of a god!"
The monk also informed him, "Now, if he had supplied
some of his OWN seed...."
Kunou blushed bright red, "I COULDN'T!"
Akane went up to the priestess (and away from the
little man who made her skin itch), "Then Ranma ISN'T
pregnant?!" she hoped.
The beautiful priestess told her, "I cannot guarantee
that. The idiot supplied us with SO much material from
the two females he has his crush on, there HAD to be
quite a lot of stem cells. Under the proper conditions,
stem cells CAN be used to pass on genetic information. I
hear that theoretically they could even be used to make a
MAN pregnant."
Akane gasped, "Y, you mean, Ran, Ranma's the father of
her own *gulp* child!?!"
The priestess said, "Of course not! Where would the
morality be in that? We ARE spiritual people. We would
never allow that to happen."
Before anybody could sigh in relief, the monk said,
"If she is pregnant by anybody, it is by the OTHER girl."
Ranma cried, "You mean AKANE'S the father!!?!!"
Akane fainted.
The priestess said, "Stand back! I can help: I'm an
expert in modern medicine!" Over her shoulder, she told
the pigtailed girl, "You're next!"
As the monk was about to start his praying for Ranma,
he said, "I hope you WANT a child. A fertility god will
haunt you until you DO have one."
'
'
The End.
'
[Author's notes: Stem cells can be found scattered in
small amounts throughout the body, especially in bone
marrow and the dental roots. Stem cells from a mother can
survive well into her children's adulthood.
'
[The idea for this story STARTED from the dream Ranma had
about having kids with Kunou. The dream where she marries
Picolette is found in the anime, not in the manga. But I
think it is appropriate to add it because it seems in
keeping with the first dream. Then I needed something to
feel out the story, and provide an excuse for some
action. The Great Watermelon god comes from an episode of
"Urusei Yatsura" (better known as "Lum"), ALSO created by
Rumiko Takahashi. THERE it was thought just stupid that
the "god" would punish people by spitting seeds on them.
In MY version, nine months later, they found that it had
done MORE (as in population explosion). Of course, in the
original story, Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Mendou, the
priestess AND monk had ALSO gotten slimed. But since THEY
didn't become more fertile (that we know of), I made this
a possibly different world from theirs. That is why I
NEVER mentioned the names of the priestess and monk.]
