For you I would

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. "For you I would" is a poem by Robin Thurston.

A/N: Beta'd by the lovely Celesma :)

For you I would
Drag my tattered
baffled army one more ambush
bear the anguish of their jokes
convincingly rebuke
the shortened stained
bandages that fought
so well for me

I remember the gun's surface gleaming in the last light of day, reflecting the golden glow. It painted twisted shapes on the steel.

I was cleaning the weapons. I hate doing that.

It is necessary, yet often leaves me feeling dirty from more than gun oil.

For that reason, the thought that this was probably one of the last times I would have to do that was also a comforting one. Though I guess it would have worked better if I didn't tell myself that every time I pulled the trigger.

These weapons would probably outlive me – a mocking, bitter thought indeed. It made me smirk. Maybe they'd blow up in some arrogant bastard's face.

I studied the piece of metal in my hand: the hand-gun was almost stainless, while the Punisher was full of marks and scratches. Battered and used, yet merciless. It was fitting, I guess.

The gun weighed heavy in my hand.

Not yet. It's not yet done.

I sighed, feeling heavy with dread. I had no time for this. I had something to do.

I had to get you free; it would all go to hell otherwise.

For some reason, Knives had let me live. Maybe he really did think me useful. Maybe I just added to his twisted amusement.

Either way, it had worked out for me to this day. The same way this cursed body worked for me. At least, I could turn that to my advantage now.

I had to try.

I stood and loaded the gun, already heading towards the steel door.

For you.

Challenge the madman
to shoot with his dark, impromptu gun
advance along the crumbling edge
of his sudden love for me
satisfy his need to stop
me from stopping

I better not tell you how many times I wished I could kill him. I wished I had killed him. I know you don't want to hear that, but it would have been so much fucking better.

He still believes that I'll abandon you.

Because I'm human. The thought satisfies him, I guess. Sick bastard.

Then, I had this idea: maybe, if he were to kill me, it would speed up your decision to blow him into space. But I couldn't be sure. And I didn't trust myself. I have failed on this before.

Also, he's an ass. He wouldn't have spared me if he didn't have plans for me. He wants me to keep going, you know.

So, I decided that I would go. Away.

For you.

I swear, if I had known you'd follow me and stampede and cry and fuss all over the place, I would have tied you to that bed and hit you so hard, you'd have forgotten you'd ever known me.

Kiss the melting leper
hold his forehead sealed
against my brilliant
mouth fresh from your wrist
let his tears fall into
all the eyes I have

For you, I would try not to kill. That's what I decided then. It's gonna be a bitch, though. Just wanted you to know that.

Actually, with the next person I'll have to face, "not killing" is gonna be pretty easy. Relatively speaking.

I need him to be alive. It'll hurt him like hell, but I have to make him go through it.

I'll face this.

If only I'd met you sooner. Then I would have known not to make excuses.

And I would never deviate

never expend my brief

fingers trafficking with the sly

sad stones that mutter

like engrossed children

behind the cupboard door

I can't deny that I would kill for them. I have. But maybe, if I could have stayed by your side, I could have changed. Not enough to find salvation, but enough to look them in the eye again and not feel as guilty. That doesn't matter now, of course.

Still, I would have tried. If things had been different. I wanted you to know that.

You once called me a coward. Yet you also said, "You can change."

For you I should likely

stay alive

knowing somehow that you

expect it

For you, I would like to stay. Damn it all to hell and so on. Try and make it through this.

It's just not likely, you see?

I should have stayed, for you. But what did you expect?

It's enough for me now to have you know: I would have tried. If things were different.

I would have.