WHERE IS MY GRIMMONS, YOU QUEERBAITING BASTARDS?!

Ahem. Sorry. I'm still a tad salty. There are few things worse than a shitty finale to a season that kept skyrocketing my expectations. This season showed that RvB could get emotional, that it wasn't afraid to develop certain characters, and that Grimmons was an actual possibility. Then, we get a finale that felt so rushed and underwhelming, the only good thing I can draw from it (other than the Grif sibling reunion hug) is that there is no way that was the series finale. A series finale would have more, so that means that there will be more seasons.

That being said, I'm here today to fix a major problem I had with the episode: Caboose's goodbye to Church. This is a scene I've wanted for most of seasons 14 and 15, and it could have been perfect. The only problem is that they used the wrong Church. I'm here to correct that.

Enjoy my modified goodbye scene!

Caboose stared numbly at Loco, still trying to piece together what was going on. What good would a door do? Would it save his friends? What was happening? Was he going to die and see Church again?

A blinding light enveloped everything, and a deafening silence left a ringing in everyone's ears. There was a pause as the Reds and Blues tried to regain their bearings. Then, a familiar voice caused everyone to freeze.

"Caboose?"

Caboose slowly looked up, his heart stuttering, his eyes welling up with tears. Church…

He turned around to see a shining doorway. Behind it was what looked like a black screen covered in binary code. The blue-white hologram of Epsilon hovered in front of everyone.

"Jesus Christ, Caboose!" Church groaned. "You're supposed to be on patrol with Smith and Tucker! Do I need to draw out a fucking memo for you?" There was a pause. "Also, how the fuck are you here?! I'm in a fucking computer! Shit, am I finally starting to lose it?"

"Hurry… Hurry, Caboose. You don't have long…" Loco slumped as he let out a rattling breath. As his eyes closed, his gaze fell on Temple. He thought about how lucky he was to see him one last time. He was glad he had given Caboose the same chance.

It's okay, Temple, he thought blearily as he felt himself drifting further and further away. I know…you didn't mean to. Best friends don't…don't hurt each other… A slight smile came to his blood-caked lips as they parted one last time. I love you too…bestie.

"Seriously, dude," Church continued. "I got enough to deal with trying to figure out these alien buildings and listening to how Wash's apparently driving the troops to mutiny with laps. Just get going, and-"

"Church... Church, there's a lot of things I got to say, and I know I won't get another chance to say them, so…"

Church fell silent immediately as he heard the weird, resigned tone in the usually-cheery blue soldier's voice. As Caboose spoke, he had Delta analyze what was happening. Energy readings are off the charts. What the fuck is…? Wait. What was that part about me being dead?!

"I know we're all gonna be okay," Caboose finished, pushing back tears, not wanting to blur his last view of his best friend.

"Caboose," Church muttered, his voice more subdued than before. He wasn't sure what was happening, but had a distinct feeling that he needed to say this now. He could sense the energy fading. "Thanks, man," he said. "I never told you this, but you're the best friend I could've asked for."

Caboose let out a sob, and a few tears succeeded in leaking from his eyes. "Goodbye, Church," he called out as the door shrank down. "Say hi to Loco when you go back to Heaven! He was my friend too!"

"I will, buddy," Church replied. A slight laugh sounded. "But don't say goodbye, okay? I hate goodbyes."

When Church's voice faded away, Caboose's shoulders slumped. Even as the others hurried to stop the machine, he couldn't feel anything but a cold, stunned numbness. Still, deep down, he knew that things would truly be okay. They always ended up okay somehow. This wouldn't be any different.

Goodbye, Church, he thought one last time. He looked at the motionless blue form at his feet, his heart clenching with a combination of regret and pity. And thanks, Loco. You deserved a better best friend.

….

"A time door?!" Church gaped at Delta. "You have got to be shitting me!"

"I assure you that I am not," Delta replied dryly. "Also, since I am technically you, I cannot actually be 'shitting you,' as you put it."

"Okay, okay!" Church waved a hand dismissively. "Let me think about this…"

Theta shuffled his foot. "Are we going to die? Caboose said that we died. He sounded so sad…"

Church paced back and forth for a moment before letting out a dejected sigh. "I guess so."

"How should we proceed?" Delta asked.

"I…don't know." Church thought for a nanosecond. "I mean, we don't know how it'll happen or if we can prevent it. Caboose told a story about Alpha fucking with time once, and I don't think that'll do us much good."

After another split-second's consideration, he made a decision. "We'll just have to keep our eyes open. But…in the meantime, why don't you help me record some messages, D?"

"Affirmative." Delta brightened for a moment in preparation. "Recording…"

Like I said, just a tweak. I really felt cheated, because I never felt that Alpha Church was a real friend to Caboose. He hardly ever showed genuine concern for him, except for the one time Gamma killed him in that time loop situation. It was Epsilon who actually cared about Caboose, Tucker, and all the others. He was the one who called Caboose "buddy," made sure he took his meds, and actually apologized for hurting his feelings in season 10. He might have started out as Caboose's attempt to rebuild Alpha, but he became so much better than all of his predecessors. He was the Church to die in season 13, he was the Church we were all mourning, and he was the Church who should have gotten that goodbye scene!

Also, as shown here, it makes sense for it to be Epsilon, because it could mean that he knew about his impending death before the season 13 finale, and was therefore able to prepare the messages he supposedly left behind. On that note, where are those messages?! This had better get addressed in season 16! (As well as certain unresolved things concerning two certain soldiers of the maroon and orange persuasion…)

Those are my two cents, anyway. Peace out!