Chapter 1 - Agony and It's my fault.
Edwards POV
"Are you sure Carslie?" I asked for the 10th time, I needed resurance, to know I was doing the right thing.
"Yes, Edward," He started to sigh but cut off when he looked at my expression. He knew how painful this was, to be away from her it hurt more than was imaginable. I had left her standing in the forest more than a month ago but my pain was still more than anyone could manage. A few days ago Carslie got a phone call from Sue Clearwater-from the La Push reservation-this was most unusual.
I asked Alice to look,to see if it would be alright for me to go but she couldn't see anything as I hadn't really made up my mind. The thought of being that close to her was driving me insane I couldn't even say her name it hurt to much, but I couldn't stay away, no I couldn't even give her that comfort.
As soon as Sue had explained why she had phoned- Harry wasn't breathing right and she didn't want to take him to the hospital because of his unsusual temperature so instead she phoned Carlisle. With out thinking I asked If I could go along, the thought of being that close to her made my heart sore and she broke free,free from the cage I had put her in, locked away in my heart. My beautiful Bella,clumsy,warm and loving. As soon as the word were in my mind I remembered why that had been locked away, the image of her lying under the branch of the tree, staggering,crying throuht the forest, how I had wanted to run to her to hold her in my arms and tell her I didn't mean any of it. Even the thought of holding her made me feel the agony I had been supressing, it broke free, if I could cry I would be drownding in my own tears right now. There was no way I could let my family see me like this. I tore from the room, the house I left it all behind me. The trees I past were mearly blurs messy scrawls. I stopped as I approached the mountain and climbed upto my cave no one could find me here. It was dark, empty and I was completly alone. I let the anony rip through me as I cryed my end less dry tears. Not a moment goes by when I don't think of my precious Bella, who loved me even when I didn't deserve it.
After about an hour I stopped for Alice more than anything, seeing me like this always triggers the same reaction in her. I began to plan I would go with Carlisle to assist after all I had medical training too. I would not go near her and I would not let her see me, I promised.
Carlisle said this trip would take all weekend mabey longer because the symptions Sue descriped sounded quite serious and like any good doctor Carlisle was through. We planed originally to stay in our own home but people would notice so insetad we would stay in a hotel in Port Angles.
The plane was just barable I brought my music book to keep me occupied but every time I so much as begun to start and think of composing a new song the lulaby I composed not so long ago, would stalk into my thoughts muddling them, making thinking about anything else imposible so I meraly sat there and tryed to compose my pain. I pondered the possibility of what I would find when we arrived in forks, I refused to think of Bella being broken and miserable, I was sure she was much better with out me, If I found her leading a happy and normal life, I would leave her alone she deserved much better than me; I wouldn't keep her from that but I didn't think I would be able to leave her again, So I would watch, from a distance as she aged, grew up, marrried and had children. The thought of Bella with another man was heart breaking. Carlisle shot me wry glances.
This must be so hard for him I wonder why he decided to come.
I answered his mental thought
"It might help?" I ment it as a statment but it came out more like a question.
"You know it wont why are you putting yourself through this?" He asked.
One sentence was all it took to sclience both his mental and verbal voice on the matter.
"I'm not strong enough." that was all it took.
The car journey was harder as we sped closer and closer to the place we were normally forbidden to go my breathing started to get faster, just knowing I was closer to her numbed the pain but I knew as soon as I had to leave it would be back and it would be a million times worse.
When we arrived at the hotel we took our luggage to our rooms and simply walked out again planing on heading stright for La Push. I had my eyes shut for the whole journey, I didn't want to bring back any unnessary memories, I didn't even breathe for fear of smelling her delicious, actracting...No I had to stop before the urge to see her would throw me from the car and I already had my hand around the handel. Carlisle seemed to understand and he sped up. Once in La Push we were greeted by a frantic Sue who was so worried her thoughts were scrambled she couldn't focus,she took us to see Harry who was sprawled out on the sofa watchig tv with what looked like a pint glass of water in his hand. I took a quick breath in, horrible all I could smell was Warewolf, fowl. I had to get away to breathe proparly but I didn't know if I could the treaty ment we had to stay off their land, I didn't want to break it so I asked.
"Harry," I was shocked at how unsure my own voice was.
"Yes." the old man croaked the suprise in his voice was unmistakeable.
"Would it be alright if I go to first beach...I mean I don't want to push any thing...I just want to be...Alone?" I was tense waiting for an answer.
"Yes the others have been warned to say away from you and not to say anything," He spoke with confidence it was very resuring.
I took off in no hury I moved at human speed until I heard him, Jacob Black he wasn't far away I could hear the beach. His thoughts hit me now I could see her face in his head Bella my Bella with a warewolf it was too much I wanted to run to her, to rip her from his arms, to sheild, to protect her from this monster. It was then that I heard her voice
"Jake stop it,"She giggled
I moved closer wanting to see her for myself...
"Awww come on chicken,"Jacob taunted,
"No you know I'm clumsy but yet you want me to do that." She sounded afraid.
I desperatly wanted to stop him from what ever it was he was trying to make her do but then the realitly hit me like a wrecking ball, she wasn't mine, It wasn't up to me to stop her from doing this. The agony ripped through me. No she wasn't mine. I couldn't take my eyes off her...
"Come on it will be fun!" He was practically jumping with joy, she was going to give in one way or another!
"No Jake someone get hurt then what will happen?"
The pain that ripped through me was like no other pain i'd ever experenced, she didn't want him hurt he was to important. It would be just the same if Charlie was there not Jacob at least that was what I was trying to tell myself.
And then..
"Do you think i'd ever let anything happen to you?" He said staring at her in mock shock.
"It's not me i'm worried about you idiot it's you!" She half shouted reachng out to slap his chest.
I just had my fear confirmed out loud. She cared for him.
Just as she reached out to slap him she grabbed her hand and twisted his fingers threw hers. She didn't pull away, she didn't even try she just smiled. She threw her arms around his waist and hugged him, Jacob pulled her even closer and rested his head on top of hers.
I was shaking but I didn't know why fear that he was going to hurt her? Anger that I wasn't in his place? Agony that she wasn't in my arms hugging me tighter? It was a mixture of all 3. Suddenly my legs turned to jelly and felt like they would give out gave out, As I realised what he wanted her to do
"But its easy." He winned "Just one jump?"
Cliff Diving! He wanted to make Bella cliff dive!
I took another step forward I was near the edge of the forest if either one decided to look this way they would surly see me, mabey that wasn't a bad thing, mabey I wanted them to see me. No I promised her she would never see me again. Jacobs thoughts caught my attention
I wonder what she would do she holds hands with be all the time she let me put my arm around her in the cenima while Mike was throwing up. Mabey she'd let me do this.
I didn't listen to any more, I couldn't take it my eyes only saw red, fire, fury!
He cupped his hand carefuly under her chin to tilt her face up to look at him, she smiled and he moved closer, instead of moving away as I expected her to she moved closer, she pressed her lips to his. I couldn't believe what I had just seen,I didn't want to believe it either. She, Her, Bella, My sweet Bella just kissed Jacob Black a stinking, no good, warewolf. A low hiss excaped from between my clenched teeth. His head shot up,he had heard me, he shot me a smug glare and pulled her face up once more pressing her lips to his even from this distance you could tell their mouths were open slightly. My shomach heved if there had been anything in there it would have been all over the forest floor by now. With that I ran I needed to get away, far away I Went to the Clearwaters first, to tell Carlisle. I burst into the room Carlisle must have seen the hurt in my eyes all he said was "Go." It was more than I needed. I ran to our...My Medow to be alone, totaly alone.
While Edward was running away this was happening.
Jacobs POV
"Wow" Bella said when she let go of me.
"I know" It was all I could say, I had never kissed anyone before but that was incredable!
"I have to go,"she said, she tryed to pull her hand from mine, but i held tighter and took a step forward "Where are we going?" I asked unwilling to let her go.
"Well I have to feed Charlie, he'll be wanting his dinner."She said with a short laugh.
I didn't feel so good mabey it was a good thing she had to go I doubt she would want to see me throw up everywhere.
"Yea mabey that is a good reason to go," I said smiling "Lets go get my car."
We walked into the front garden and got in my car. It was a short ride to her house.
"Bye Jake see you soon," She whispered as she got out of the car and walked into her house.
As I reched my house I started feeling naucious and then just as I walked through the door. I wasn't me anymore I was a huge dog/wolf/thing and there was a voice in my head telling me it was alright,no it wasn't one voice it was 2,3 mabey more all tellng me the same thing
"Don't panic,stay clam,don't hurt Billy"
