For My Own

Chapter 1

Edward suspected something was amiss when we hunted that night, but I had a great deal of practice concealing my true nature, even from those I lived in intimate closeness with. I did my best to mask my thoughts, letting them drift through my head woven among more mundane and immediate thoughts…monitoring patients, monitoring Esme, considering whether our time in Wisconsin was drawing to a close. Unfortunately, while I had learned to mask my thoughts from both Edward's gift and his uncanny insight, I had yet to master masking the fact that I was masking.

Therefore, I knew that Edward knew that I had something on my mind that I was as yet unwilling to share, but I did not think he knew what it was. Edward was not intrusive; he strove to give me, and now Esme, as much privacy as possible. Edward was not only smart and talented, he was also good. How fortunate I was that fate had brought him to my life.

"Please," Edward said, rolling his eyes at my effusiveness. I laughed quietly. By unspoken agreement, we shifted direction slightly to track closer to Esme.

Esme was leading the hunt, because Edward and I still felt she should practice, and neither of us felt quite confident about leaving her alone. She was trying hard, eager to learn enough control that she wouldn't be a burden to Edward and me. As though she could be. Nevertheless, we had to be vigilant…and I, especially, had to be vigilant. Edward was remarkably controlled for a vampire of only two years, but up here in the plains of Wisconsin, the wind blowing across the prairie could carry a human scent for miles. Somehow, having the lake so nearby seemed to intensify that effect. And Esme, of course, was so young, only a few months old. I didn't want either of them subjected to more temptation than they could withstand.

"I think she's scented something," Edward murmured. "To the northwest…" He sighed heavily. "Deer."

I chuckled. Deer wasn't my favorite, either, but dinner was dinner. The hunting wasn't terribly varied here in the northern Midwest, though if the timing was right, we might encounter wolves or even a black bear. If we felt like traveling, we'd pursue the bison herds further out in the plains, but those occasions were rare; there were fewer and fewer of those great beasts left these days. Still, they made for a much more satisfying meal than the other prairie animals we so often encountered.

I shuddered at the thought of soft, gentle Esme fighting a bear or a bison or great grey wolf—even if I knew intellectually that she couldn't be harmed. She would be fine, I told myself for the hundredth time, even if we did encounter a bear.

"Don't worry," Edward snickered. "It's not a bear. I only wish."

How easily my new son saw through me. I prided myself on my ability to reason past my emotions, no matter how strong or insistent they became, to make choices based on logic and the greatest good. And if vampire logic included certain factors that human logic didn't, well, that was logical, too. For us.

Nevertheless, my instinct to protect Esme nearly overwhelmed all other considerations. It wasn't logical at all; she was actually stronger than I was right now, stronger even than Edward, and would be for some time to come. It was extremely frustrating. I had never felt emotions quite like this before, and try as I might, they didn't always respond to the logic I tried so hard to apply.

Nothing would demonstrate that more clearly to either of us than the question I was about to ask.

Edward? I thought. His head snapped over, paying attention to my verbal silence. Esme was a couple hundred yards ahead of us, but I usually made an effort to speak aloud most of the time—a habit I'd fallen out of since Edward joined me—so that she wouldn't feel left out.

Because the thought of causing Esme pain was utterly unbearable to me.

I want to ask you to do something for me. I thought carefully. Something I cannot do for myself. However, I'm afraid you might find it distasteful.

Edward's eyebrows raised in surprise. I could see why. I had always been the one to help him, first through those difficult newborn months, then in finding his feet as a person in the world of myths. He was a great help to me, more than he ever realized, I think, but still, I had never asked him for a favor like this. I was not at all sure it was the right thing to do.

His chin raised and he took a deep breath, swelling his chest. He seemed proud that I had asked him. My own thoughts filled again with pride in him; he was a better son than any man could hope for or deserve. I smiled.

He rolled his eyes at my affectionate distraction. "What is it, Carlisle?"

I need to know more about Esme's husband, I thought, grimacing at the thought of that hateful creature. She won't tell me anything. She doesn't want to talk about it…and I can't bring myself to persist in asking when those memories are so painful to her. I'm afraid it will entail traveling to Columbus. Do you mind?

Edward sighed. This was an old argument between us. He didn't think that Esme was still married; after all, she was legally dead, and besides, she was a vampire. Our kind didn't marry humans, he'd scoffed. Couldn't. It was impossible, so Esme and this Evenson character couldn't be married.

But I couldn't see it that way, because whatever the current state of her life, Esme was not dead. She was as vibrant and alive as anyone I'd ever known. The tension of not knowing, of not acting, was becoming unbearable.

The truth was that I wanted Esme for myself. I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted anything. She hadn't been out of my thoughts for the whole decade since I'd first met her when she was barely more than a child, but now, having her in my house, feeling her gentle touches and seeing her sweet smiles, talking with her for hours at a time, my feelings had deepened and grown.

Somehow she had become necessary to me, to my happiness, to my well-being. I knew now that I would love her until the end of my existence, but that love had made me greedy, for I wanted not just the brush of her hand but the feel of her skin. Not just her smile, but her ecstasy. Not just getting to know her, and she me, but to know each other in the deepest places of body and soul. I felt that I would do anything, give anything, to have that.

I hadn't known I was capable of that kind of love, but I wanted her for my own, forever. And any future where I couldn't have her felt too desperately wrong for me to contemplate.

But I could not begin the life I wanted with her while there was any chance she that was still bound to another man. Our life would never be free of doubt, of guilt, of the fear that we had stolen something we had no right to possess. At least, it wouldn't for me.

Though I had strong desires for her, my love was pure and true, and I was determined that it would remain so. If there was anything human left in creatures such as Edward, Esme and me, we must honor the commitments and responsibilities we made when we were more human than we were now.

"I understand that, Carlisle," Edward murmured. "But Esme's trying to leave him behind; why won't you?"

We jogged slowly now, approaching Esme cautiously, careful not to startle her while she was seeking prey. A sudden move could cause her to turn her predatory attentions to one of us.

At least I can be sure she doesn't harbor any feelings for him, I thought with a vicious kind of triumph. She seemed both disgusted and afraid when I tried to ask about him.

Edward growled low in his chest, and I felt an answering growl vibrate in my throat. Edward had told me what he had seen in her memories. That man had hurt her, my precious Esme …I shuddered, my growl growing louder, as the unfamiliar red haze of rage clouded my vision. He had hurt her…

When Esme had awakened, so frightened and wild, Edward and I had stayed with her every moment. Together we had taught her how to hunt, helped her find her self-control, and tried to show her she could trust us. But Edward had slowly withdrawn from Esme, putting distance between them whenever he could, and when he was with her, his eyes turned bleak and furious.

He hadn't wanted to tell me, but I convinced him that we needed to know as much as possible in order to help Esme in her new life. I had been concerned, and I am embarrassed to say, curious, about Esme's life in the ten years our lives had followed different paths. I wanted to know more about her, but I was appalled by what I learned.

Edward could barely form his lips around the words, they horrified him so much, but in whispers so low that Esme wouldn't hear, he choked out what he saw in her human memories…a man, always the same man, humiliating her in public, striking her face, punching her soft belly, kicking her as she lay on the ground curled up in a ball, locking her in a room with no food and water, forcing himself on her in an obscene distortion of the love I ached to give her…

By the time Edward had revealed even a fraction of these memories to me, I was shaking with a fury greater than anything I had ever felt. Edward's rage was nearly as great, but somehow we both managed to cling to each other and find our breath, and our reason. But my memories were now as vivid as Edward's, and I could not forget what Charles Evenson had done to my love.

Edward's hand firmly coming down on my shoulder brought me back to the present. "Are you all right, Carlisle?"

I was shocked to find myself in a crouch, as though I were going to attack that vile human, to make him pay for every bruise on her soft skin, every tear shed from her bright eyes…

"I think Esme's gone after the herd," he continued carefully, running his sharp eyes over my face, my tensed shoulders, the hands balled into fists at my sides. He waited, and I struggled to get myself under control, battling against both violence and confusion. This was not like me. Control was seldom this hard for me; I'd had centuries of practice at it. It took several deep breaths, and the pressure of Edward's hand, the knowing look in his eyes, and the sound of Esme stalking nearby to center me again. I could be calm for them…or at least, I could put the rage on simmer, rather than letting it boil over.

Sorry…I said, sounding shaky even in my head. Edward's eyes were understanding and compassionate, but I looked away from them. Yes, let's hunt.

Edward left for Ohio the next day, though I was already having doubts about letting him go. He'd never been away from me for this long, and there were so many dangers.

Are you sure you have enough control for this? I asked him silently, but doubtfully. You're so young…

"I'm sure," he murmured quietly. "But do you want me to be controlled? Why don't you just let me kill him?"

I could read on his face the pleasure that thought gave him. I was trying to convince myself that I just needed to know more, and it was true that I did. I felt protective enough of Esme that I hated Evenson as much as Edward did, but that wouldn't be necessary, I was sure of it. I only needed to end her marriage; there were plenty of grounds for that. That was all. I repeated it to myself until it sounded natural in my thoughts.

As satisfying as that thought is, I chuckled, I'm just after information.

Edward gave me a suspicious look. "Any specific information?" he asked.

I tried very hard to be rational, logical, but every time I thought about that man, that unknown man hurting my precious Esme, the fury came over me again. Anger was not entirely unknown to me, and I knew better than most that strong emotions were simply part of vampire life, but I was alarmed at how easily the violence within me was provoked by even the thought of the faceless man who drove my beloved to suicide.

Because I did blame him for that. If he had been half the husband he should have been, half the man she deserved, he would have been there to comfort her when their child died. I could kill him just for that, for leaving her alone, for forcing her to run when any man with half a brain would hold her close to his side and cherish every minute he was allowed to spend with her. My hands curled into fists, and I wanted to destroy something, anything. Him.

Find out how he could do it, I seethed. My breathing sped up and I shook with the force of my anger. Find out what kind of man hurts someone so loving and gentle. Find out what was in his twisted mind when he raised his hand—

"Carlisle?" Esme's musical voice drifted up to Edward's room.

Edward's eyes opened wide in alarm, but one look at my face told him that I was in no condition to speak yet.

"Up here, Esme," he said, calling down from the loft where he chose to make his room. "I'm just packing a few things for my trip."

He glanced over at me. I took deep, silent breaths and muttered prayers to myself, and second by painful second, the rage subsided.

"I thought I heard growling," she said, concern warming her lovely voice. "Is everything all right?"

Edward laughed and stepped over the door to the hole where the ladder was. "Yes, of course," he said, sounding perfectly natural. He really was remarkably suited for this life. "I challenged Carlisle to a rematch of our wrestling match from the other night, but he's apparently too afraid I would win this time."

It was all right now. I could speak again. I shook off the lingering darkness and tried for the light, teasing tone that Edward had adopted. "And I might have suggested that he is an insolent pup who has no respect for his elders."

I'm not sure my voice was back to normal, because Edward laughed again, as though to cover the sound.

"And it's possible," he said, letting us both hear the cocky smirk that amused me so much, "that I responded by telling him that I let him win last time, as he's so ancient."

This time my laugh sounded much more natural. And it was funny…Edward and I were evenly matched in wrestling. We were the same height, roughly the same build, and while he could anticipate my moves, he also let his emotions cloud his choices. He would deny it, but he was a terribly emotional creature, more so even than most vampires. I, however, thought things through faster and better than he did.

"That might have been the point at which somebody growled," I concluded with a smile.

"Hmmm…." Esme said. She bounded up to the second floor, smiling with the novelty of her new abilities. "I must have been further away than I thought, because I didn't hear any of this."

Edward flashed her a grin. "Most of it was in Carlisle's head," he said, snickering. That much was true, at least.

She raised a skeptical eyebrow but let it go. Still, the point was clear…we knew that she knew we were keeping something from her. I felt a sudden stab of sadness for her baby, a tiny infant I had never seen. Esme would have been an excellent mother…Edward and I never got away with anything.

She turned to Edward and raised a hand to stroke his arm. "Are you sure you have to go? I'll miss you."

Ice flooded my chest as a terrible suspicion entered my head. She was always so affectionate and kind to us…to both of us. Did she prefer Edward? He was good, handsome, and cared for her deeply…could she have made a different choice than the one I so desperately hoped for? And could I resent it when I cared for them both so much?

Edward stepped closer to Esme. I wished I could read his thoughts—did he feel about her the same way I did? What would I do if he did?

Edward, however, had a way of getting his point across with out telepathy. He embraced Esme quickly, one arm around her shoulder.

Irritation and panic buzzed in my chest, but Edward only smiled his mischievous smile. At Esme, of course. I suddenly wondered why I hadn't chosen a much uglier boy to be my companion.

"You mother me too much," he said, looking down at her lovely face. "You remind me so much of my human mother, Esme. I think she would be very glad to know that you are watching after me." His grin widened. "She worried as much as you do."

Esme smiled softly and gazed up at him. There was love in her eyes, but even I could see that it was not the kind of love I'd been afraid of seeing. Heavens, I really did need to get myself in hand, didn't I? My thoughts were getting completely out of control.

Edward nodded very slightly, and I was impressed that he refrained from visibly rolling his eyes.

"And you remind me of my son, Edward," she said solemnly. "Though I had so little time with him. You are exactly the sort of boy I hoped he would grow into."

Edward leaned down and planted a kiss on Esme's forehead, sliding me a glance as he did so.

I rolled my eyes at his cautious expression. It's fine, Edward. I'm sorry for my moment of irrationality. It won't happen again.

Edward released Esme and picked up his black leather bag. "Is there anything I need to get in addition to these medical supplies?" he asked me.

Find out if he's in his right mind, I said with some effort. It went against my instincts, but I couldn't proceed with my hazy, half-formed plans if the man was insane. Find out if he's responsible for his actions.

"No," I said aloud. "I think the list I gave you will suffice. When do you think you'll be home?"

Edward thought for a beat. "Three days," he said. "Perhaps four, if I have any trouble getting what I need."

I nodded. "Be careful, son."

"I will." He gave Esme one more quick squeeze, shook my hand, then jumped down from the loft and was gone in less than a second.

Suddenly Esme and I were alone in Edward's loft. I hadn't realize how much the boy acted as a buffer between us, but now tension filled the room, as if it had only been waiting for Edward's absence to descend upon us. I had no time to prepare for it, and pure awareness of her came over me so quickly…her scent, the lights on her hair, the wistfulness of her voice as she sighed…I grew dizzy for a moment, something that had never happened to me before.

"Do you think he'll be all right?" Esme asked softly.

I nodded, making an effort to act normally. "Yes, I do. What could happen to him?"

Esme laughed, and I caught my breath, the sound was so beautiful. "It wasn't precisely him I was worried about. I can't imagine going out among humans right now."

I smiled. I smiled frequently around Esme. I wondered if people who knew me a hundred years ago, or even twenty or ten, would recognize me now. I had always been so serious about everything, but now I laughed and smiled more than I ever had. It was not an unpleasant change.

"He's doing amazingly well," I said truthfully. "But it was hard for him, too, his first year. It's hard for all of us. Please don't be discouraged. You're coming along just fine, Esme."

Her name tasted sweet on my tongue and I thought I could say it a thousand times without tiring of it. Esme Esme Esme Esme Esme Esme… I would say it in laughter, in concern, in admiration, I would breathe it into her ear before my lips touched her neck, her cheek, her mouth…

I shook my head to clear it of these thoughts. I was fantasizing about another man's wife. It was very wrong, as I told myself every time it happened, but try as I might I couldn't completely control my thoughts. Well, not all the time. I wondered if Edward was getting tired of their direction.

"Will you have to leave me to go to the hospital?" Esme asked, a tremor of anxiety in her voice.

"No," I said, smiling again. "I have arranged to be absent for a few days."

Her gaze sharpened, and I suddenly knew I hadn't fooled her. "Then why did you send Edward to… Ohio… in your place? Don't you need to be there to collect these medical supplies?"

Ah, what to say. There were two answers, of course, both equally true. I chose the one that would further my cause, and distract her from the other one. I didn't want her to know what Edward was really doing in her home state.

"He was eager to go," I said slowly. I was stepping out in unchartered territory now, and I took a breath. "I think he wants to prove himself, that he is capable of spending long stretches of time among people. And I sometimes suspect that he tires of my thoughts," I added, "pleasant as they are."

She laughed. "If they are so pleasant, how can he object to them?"

My gaze lingered over her face, the line of her throat, the rich fullness of her hair. I wished I had the right to touch it. "Because they are very personal," I said in a low voice, "and filled with only one thing."

"What can be in your excellent mind that Edward would find tedious?" she asked. "He admires you so much."

"He admires you, as well," I said. "But he is aware that my thoughts, so filled with you as they are, are not intended for him to hear."

"Oh…" she breathed. She gazed at me, her red-orange eyes wide. Then she ducked her head, and I thought that if she were human, she would be blushing. It was quite endearing, and tenderness welled up inside me.

"I…" She took a deep breath. "I think of you, too, Carlisle."

I liked the sound of my name on her lips as much as I had liked hers on mine. She thinks of me… My breathing sped up, and I didn't mind that she could hear it. I had to know if there was any possibility that she might one day return my feelings.

The thought of going to her had barely registered before I was at her side. I lifted one hand to her face and gently stroked my fingertips across her cheek. Her lips parted in a silent gasp. Her skin was so soft, so warm, and I clenched my hand closed before I could follow my impulse to graze my fingers down her neck, over her shoulder…

I was suddenly grateful that Edward was gone and could not hear the explicit turn my thoughts had taken. I was surprised by them, myself…in over two hundred years I had never been so distracted, so tempted, by a woman.

"Esme," I said softly, and the feel of her name in my mouth threatened to distract me yet again. If things were different, I could marry her today, make love with her without stopping, and enjoy her company forever. But the question of her marriage aside, it didn't feel right to rush things so. I was a doctor, I knew a wounded person when I saw one. The change may have healed her body, making it the most perfect thing I'd ever seen, but her soul was still scarred.

Still, vampires have many miraculous healing powers, and I had more than most. Part of her was healing already by being able to love Edward as she did; now that I was thinking clearly I could see that and be grateful for it.

And what would my love do to her? Would it scare her? Would she shy away from entering into the same relationship with me that she'd had with her husband? I didn't like the idea of being compared to him. I wanted to be good for her, to make her life happy and full, to help her heal and trust again, like Edward did just by being there.

As if in answer to my question, she looked up at me through her long eyelashes, a look that was a dangerous blend of desire and hesitation, designed to make a man freeze in his tracks, not knowing if he should ravish her or throw his body in front of a train for her. I was more than willing—too willing—to do either if she wanted it.

"Esme," I said again, "you should know that I am not a poor man…."

She frowned. "I don't care about that," she said.

"I know," I said. "But I want you to know something. What's mine is yours, as well as Edward's. The two of you have made my lonely life into something beautiful, and I can never repay that."

She started to speak, but I lay a finger over her lips. Then my attention was drawn by the feel of her lips beneath my finger. I thought of a hundred ways to touch her lips alone. I would stroke them softly—

I shook my head. Distracted again…

I dropped my finger before it could act of its own accord. "I wish to ask you something."

She tipped her head to one side. "Yes?"

"Money is not a concern for us," I said, "and neither is time, since you have all the time in the world. In a few months you will be able to go about in the world, if you want to do so. What would you like to do?"

She stared at me. Blinked. Stared. Then she took a deep shuddering breath. "Oh, Carlisle!" she wailed. She threw her arms around my neck, pressing her face against my chest, her body against mine.

I froze for a moment, but then my arms went around her instinctively. I could feel her slender frame shaking…was she crying?

"What? What is it, Esme?" I said in alarm. "Have I said something wrong? I'm so sorry!"

I pushed her back slightly to get a better look at her face. "Have I upset you, my darling?" I asked, trying to control my anxiety. "I never meant—"

"No, no," she said, disentangling herself from me. I didn't want her to go. I wanted to hold her close to me. I wanted to have the right to hold her close to me. "It's just…nobody has ever asked me that before!"

I frowned, not quite following her. "Asked you what?"

"Nobody has ever asked me what I wanted!" she said, her words coming fast and breathless. "Everybody has always told me what I couldn't do, what I shouldn't have, what was wrong for me, what wasn't suitable for a lady. My wishes never entered into it, my strengths and talents were never considered. I don't even—oh!"

Her graceful hands flew up to her cheeks. "What?" I said again, wishing for the first time that I had a gift like Edward's and could follow her complex thought processes.

Her eyes raised to mine. "I don't even know what my strengths and talents are! I'm twenty-six years old and I don't know what I like or what I'm good at!"

I reached for her, closing my hands over her wrists and pulling them down from her face. They were blocking my view of her perfection. "But you will always be twenty-six, and you will never die, so you have plenty of time to figure it out."

She smiled, and I had to blink, it was so dazzling. "Yes, I do, don't I?"

My hands still held hers, but she stepped closer to me. "You must tell me something, Carlisle," she said in a low voice. "Do families stay together in this world? Do marriages overflow with love and parents give selflessly to their children? Do people…people like us…make homes that shine with warmth and affection?"

"Yes," I whispered, utterly compelled by her vision. I had no idea before this moment that I had been seeking exactly what she was asking me for. Not just companionship, but a home, a family. "Sometimes they do. If they choose to."

"You've made a good beginning," she said, admiration shining in her eyes. "You and Edward."

"Edward and I were companions," I corrected her. "I think of him as a son, but it is you, Esme, who made us a family."

She smiled her glowing smile again and it took my breath away. I had made her happy. I suddenly felt like a king, my chest swelled much as Edward's did when I had confessed my need for his help. I had made Esme happy.

Suddenly a new, quiet confidence smoldered in her vivid eyes. She took a breath and said quite directly, "You asked me what I want. I would like more children, Carlisle."

I winced. I should have seen this coming, and I hated to be the one to bear bad news to her, not when it mattered so much. But for the same reason I had to be honest. It mattered too much. "You can't bear children anymore, Esme."

Would she now be unhappy?

But she smiled. It was a bit sad, but accepting. "I know that," she said. "I could read the signs."

"And we can't create them," I said, wanting her to be very clear on this point. "Not infants, nor small children. It is not permitted, and it is very dangerous."

She nodded, her bright mind processing the difficulties immediately. "No, that wouldn't do at all," she mused. She shook her head, probably trying to clear it of the idea of an immortal child. "Like Edward, then?" she asked. "When the time is right, and the situation calls for it?"

I hesitated. "Perhaps," I hedged. I still wasn't sure I had done the right thing by changing her and Edward. I hesitated to promise to change other unknown young men or women.

It suddenly occurred to me that though we had not explicitly discussed love or marriage, we were discussing having children. I frowned. It was true that I had not been human for many years, but it seemed that this was a bit out of order.

This new development only strengthened my resolve to find a solution to the problem of Esme's human marriage. If we were going to be parents, even if our future children were young men or women Edward's age, we should be married. Our family should have that secure foundation.

"There is something else I would like to do," Esme said. I looked down at her, encouraging her to continue, trying not to think of all the things that I would like to do.

She went on, unaware of the direction of my thoughts. "You have a beautiful home here, Carlisle, but I wonder if I could make some changes. I've been thinking about how lovely it would be to add a wrap-around porch and paint the interior walls, then perhaps wire the house for electricity and add running water. Would you mind very much if I worked on that, at least until I can more safely leave on my own?"

"Of course," I said, picturing the old farmhouse as she did. "You may do anything you like. Shall I bring you some catalogues to choose materials from?"

"Thank you," she said, and I felt that strange feeling of pride and triumph at the sight of her delighted smile. "That would be perfect."

She jumped down from the loft, landing gracefully below. I watched as she ran to my tool cabinet, pulled out a yardstick and began measuring. She was filled with a new energy, a new enthusiasm, that I had never seen in her before. It was contagious; and I felt my body respond with similar energy.

Some day, I vowed, I would have the right to jump down after her and pull her into my arms. I would have the right to kiss her and touch her and fall down onto the parlor floor with her body on top of mine, laughing and gasping and burning for her, knowing my love was returned.

Some day soon.

We were closer to that vision today than we ever had been, and my heart swelled with hope. But as long as Charles Evenson was alive out there somewhere, I had no right.

As much as I hated him and loved her, she was his wife. And as long as that was true, I had no right to pursue my dream of love.

Edward had only been gone for a few minutes, but I was suddenly very impatient for him to get back.

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