Disclaimer: Don't own Gossip Girl!

Warnings: Possible spoilers & plot speculation


Crash and Burn


Almond-shaped eyes scan the crowded bar with scorn as they search for the petite, pouty-lipped brunette responsible for his sister's second exile. Target locked, Dan Humphrey strides purposefully across the floor towards the bathroom, into which a Chanel-clad Blair Waldorf steals away.

Whether it's because of uncharacteristic courage or of sheer stupidity, Dan enters the bathroom behind her and leans against the door to secure privacy for the conversation that's to be had. "Blair." He says her name forcefully, though his legs are as quivery as limp spaghetti.

Blair jumps at the sound of her name and turns away from the bathroom mirror with a perplexed expression on her face. "Humphrey?" she asks, eyes wide and amused. "Either there's something you aren't telling me or else you're about to experience serious ridicule for walking into the women's bathroom."

Dan's cheeks burn red, a mix of fury and embarrassment. "You know why I'm here, Blair."

"Freshening up, Daniella?" Blair questions haughtily as she turns back to the mirror, painting her lips with a soft red lipstick. Her scarlet dress inches up as she leans over the counter carefully, and if Dan weren't so irate, he might admit that Blair doesn't look half-bad.

Irate he is, however, and so Dan dismisses the image of Blair's pearly white legs, crossing his arms as if to finalize the action. Stepping towards the brunette, he takes a deep breath and says, louder than he intends, "Why'd you do it, huh? Why'd you have to ruin her life again? Once wasn't enough for you?"

Incensed, Blair whips around with fire in her eyes. "Jenny Humphrey deserved everything she got. Everything. When Chuck brought her back, she was no Mother Teresa, Cabbage Patch. Even you should be able to admit that."

Before Dan can respond, a knock sounds at the door and the boy from Brooklyn can't help but groan in frustration. "Occupied!" he shouts to the person on the other side.

Blair grabs Dan's shoulders and tries to move him out of the way, all the while screeching, "Yes, it's occupied by me, Humphrey, so get out!"

Dan doesn't budge. Thick hands catch thin wrists, lowering them to Blair's side. "Blair," Dan begins, "you need to understand that this? This whole 'I control everything and everyone' bit? It's ridiculous. You're ruining my sister's chance to actually do something with her life, all because she slept with your ex."

Blair's jaw clenches, her lips forming a crimson slash across her porcelain skin. She inches close to Dan's face and Dan finds himself struggling not to show a reaction. "Do not put Chuck and Jenny in the same sentence. They're both bad apples, Humphrey, but your sister is rotten to the core. The sooner you realize that, the better." Each word formed by Blair's carefully painted lips is laced with venom, and Dan's body tingles in an adverse reaction.

Wanting nothing more than to smear the perfectly applied color all over Blair's flawless complexion, Dan balls his fists. Blair? She's always been the picture of unattainability. From her immaculate make-up to her expertly pressed designer clothes, Blair is, in the world of the Upper East Side, supreme. For more than a fleeting second, Dan wonders what it would be like to see her in her most vulnerable state, because at the moment, he doesn't believe the word is even in Blair's lexicon.

His eyes drift towards Blair's clavicle, a distinct bite mark marring her skin there. Wondering about its origins, Dan doesn't even respond until Blair's shrill voice calls his name for the third time. "Humphrey! Either finish what you started or get the hell out of here!"

Dan blinks several times, looking up. "Uh, sorry. I was just – where did you get that from?" Gesturing to her collarbone, Dan is pleased as Blair gets visibly flustered.

Lush chestnut curls jostle as Blair shakes her head. "Excuse you, but that's none of your business, Humphrey. Move out of my way. I've had enough contact with you tonight to last a lifetime."

Seeing his opportunity, Dan raises a knowing brow. "It's from Chuck, isn't it? See, Blair? This is what I mean. You treat my sister like dirt and yet when Chuck does the same to you, he gets to see you naked. Kind of a double standard, don't you think?"

Blair is clearly livid, her eyes growing dark as she snarls, "I can do what I want with whom I want. What is it you want me to do, Humphrey? Should I offer myself up to your sister as a peace offering? I don't know what sick, twisted fantasies occupy your dirty Brooklyn mind, but I'm pretty sure that even Jenny would oppose."

Sighing heavily, Dan puts his hand to his forehead. "Blair, that's not what I meant and you know it."

Fists pound on the other side of the door, and this time, Blair is the one to respond. "Go away!" she shouts, before lowering her tone dangerously. "What did you mean exactly?"

Dan shrugs. "I – Well, I just don't get you, I guess. I don't get why you can hate Jenny so much, but then just bend to Chuck's will after everything he's done to you. It's – It's just not fair." Watching as Blair relaxes in her stance, dress hugging tight against her curves, Dan finds himself compelled to add, "to either of you."

Blair's eyes flutter to Dan's mouth for a split second before lifting back to meet his stare. Her voice is steely, unimpressed, as she replies, "Why do you care whether or not things are fair to me?"

Dan forces a hand through his hair. "I, uh, don't. At all, actually." Starting to regain his footing, Dan voice grows more confident. "I'm – I'm glad you're getting a taste of your own medicine. It's long overdue. I just can't wait to see the day you finally realize Chuck only cares about fulfilling his own needs." He shifts on his feet, gauging Blair's reaction.

It's not a good one, and Blair doesn't hold back as she yanks hard on Dan's collar, drawing him close to her. "At least someone's been fulfilling my needs. You don't have anyone," she hisses. "You're always going to come second, Humphrey, and let's be honest, nobody cares about second place."

Seeing red, Dan grabs Blair's wrist, pulling her hand away from his shirt. He appraises her pristine curls, the feeling of entitlement emanating from Blair's posture, and all of a sudden a feeling of unadulterated something bubbles in his veins. His hand still wrapped around Blair's wrist, Dan says through gritted teeth, "You know, I like to think I'm a good guy. At least I try to be one. I've never ever said this to anyone, so bravo, but Blair? I hate you."

Blair's lips part in surprise before she quickly recovers, replacing her shocked expression with that of pure loathing. Her nose crinkles in disgust as she sneers coolly, "Not nearly as much as I hate you, Dan Humphrey."

Dan uses his grip on her wrist to pull her closer to him. Caught off-guard, Blair doesn't react fast enough as Dan crashes his lips against hers, teeth sinking roughly into her bottom lip. "Is this how Chuck kisses you, Blair? Like he despises you?" Dan asks as he draws back. "Take it from a guy, desperation is far from attractive."

"How dare you!" Blair seethes, winding her hand back to smack Dan hard across the face. Her chest heaves with anger.

Dan breathes heavily as he touches his reddened cheek. He opens his mouth to respond, but Blair stops him with a harsh kiss. She tastes like peppermint mixed with watermelon bellini, and Dan doesn't resist as Blair's tongue wrestles against his. Her fingernails dig deep against the skin of Dan's biceps as she finishes the kiss with a light nip. "That," growls Blair, "is how Chuck kisses me."

Speechless, Dan can only stare at Blair with a mix of animosity and pure lust. In return, Blair glowers, her bee-stung lips quivering in contempt. When a third person knocks on the bathroom door, the brunette pair both shout, "Go away!"

Now, the bathroom is silent, though the bass from the music in the bar can be felt beneath two pairs of feet. Before Dan realizes what he's doing, he puts a wide hand around Blair's narrow waist, pulling her towards him. His other hand buries itself fervently within lustrous locks as he dips down and kisses Blair again. Even though this kiss isn't rough or harsh or Chuck, Blair responds, arching her back and pressing herself against Dan's chest. She lets her hands run up and down two surprisingly toned arms before lacing manicured fingers behind the Brooklynite's neck.

Blair sighs against Dan's mouth as the latter lifts her light body with ease. Wrapping her legs around his waist, Blair grazes her nails over Dan's shoulders, moaning softly as he sits her on the bathroom sink. However, even in his angered lust, Dan finds himself being a gentleman. "Blair," he murmurs into her ear, "are you sure?"

For some reason beyond Dan's comprehension, his words stir a reaction in Blair. Chocolate orbs widen in surprise, glistening. Dan observes her curiously as Blair scans his face, seemingly memorizing every contour, every line, every blemish. Detecting the faintest of nods, Dan lets his fingers play with the hem of Blair's dress before plunging upward.


When Gossip Girl sends out the blast of Blair and Dan leaving the same bathroom later that night, Dan isn't surprised. He's laying in his bed, trying to figure out how to tackle the imminent shit-storm ahead of him, when his phone lights up and vibrates.

Good job. Now the whole world is going to think I parade around with second-class citizens.

"Only Blair," Dan says to himself with a roll of the eyes. His fingers move quickly as he texts back Even if u don't parade around w/ them, u still have bathroom sex w/ them.

You are honestly the most repulsive person I've ever met. It wasn't even that good.

Likewise.

(That's only half-truth: he does loathe her, but damn it if he didn't just have the best sex of his life.)

Fix this. NOW.

Yeah, cuz I'm so good at scheming n all that.

Blair doesn't respond for quite a while, and Dan is about to fall asleep when, lo and behold, he gets a text.

Fine. My place. Tomorrow. Noon. Don't keep me waiting or I'll ship you off right along with your sister.

Dan shakes his head as he reads her text. Same old Blair; nothing's changed, and it's quite clear to Dan that their little chat in the bathroom has done nothing but spark rage-fueled sex.

Sounds terrible. But fine. Noon it is.


It's only when he wakes up the next morning that he realizes he still smells of Blair Waldorf.

The strange thing is, as Dan washes away last night's encounter, he already misses it.


AN: I like this and I know where I want it to go but I'm not going to work on it until I know people are interested! So, in other words, let me know if you liked it. An update for Every Other Sunday is coming within the week, for those who have been reading that, so... cheers!