Flicker was in Sir Loungelot's quarters, checking through the contents of a large backpack, while Loungelot looked on with an expression of impatience.
'I've packed a good lot of weapons,' said Flicker, 'but they're not too heavy, I don't think. There's also a change of clothes, and a bottle of water - you can refill that if you need to - and I made you lots of rolls for when you get peckish. Now, have I forgotten anything?'
'That sounds like more than enough.' Loungelot snatched the bag from him and put it on his back. 'So, Flicker, your weekend off starts now. What are you going to do?'
'I haven't really decided yet, Milord,' said Flicker.
'Well, enjoy it while you can. I'll be back tomorrow night at the latest.'
'Yes, Milord.'
Loungelot went to the door, while Flicker stayed behind to tidy up a few things. When he left the room, he found Princess Flame in the corridor outside.
'Hello, Flicker,' she said. 'Enjoying your weekend off?'
'I haven't really done anything yet,' said Flicker, 'except for seeing you. So, yes. Do you have any plans for today? I could show you some inventions, if you'd like.'
'I'd like that very much,' said Flame. 'I do have plans for later, though. You always find time for me when you haven't got the weekend off, so I thought you should have the afternoon to yourself. Or you could come and watch, if you'd rather.'
'Watch?' said Flicker. 'Why? What are you going to do?'
'The knights have organised a little tennis tournament, and I've agreed to umpire.'
'Well, that sounds like fun, but I'm not really making any definite plans - just seeing what I feel like.'
'Good idea,' said Flame. 'Do you feel like showing me your inventions now?'
'Certainly,' said Flicker, and they set off together down the corridor. 'Well, there aren't as many as all that, but I'm working on a few new ideas. Actually, I've made a rather exciting discovery with the magic net. I've found out that if you just let it dangle, it always points north.'
They turned a corner just as he was finishing this sentence, and found themselves face to face with King Allfire. Flicker looked alarmed for a moment before getting onto one knee and bowing his head. Flame smiled, and said, 'Hello, Daddy.'
'Hello, Puff,' said Allfire. 'What are you up to?'
'Oh, nothing much. Flicker's just going to show me his magic net pointing north. Isn't that a fascinating discovery? He'll never get lost as long as he's got his magic net with him, will he? Well, I suppose he can't lug it everywhere…' She looked down at Flicker, and said, 'What are you going to do - try making a smaller one?'
'I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, my dear,' said Allfire.
'Flicker's magic net, Daddy!' Flame said impatiently. 'You know, the thing he used to expose Count Geoffrey when he was in disguise as the Puce Knight.'
'Oh, that,' said Allfire. 'Well, have fun. I'll see you later, Puff. Good day, squire.'
'My Liege,' said Flicker, bowing even lower. Then, once the King had passed him by and disappeared round the corner, he rose up and said in strangled tones, 'Flame, can you please not talk to your father about my magic net like that?'
'Like what?'
'Like you're on intimate terms with it.'
'Well,' said Flame, 'I am. Flicker, my father knows I look at your inventions. I've talked to him about them. I've told him several times how clever you are.'
'I wish you'd be a bit less blasé about it,' said Flicker. 'I'm not even really supposed to speak to you, you know.'
'I know,' said Flame, taking his arm and leading him on down the corridor. 'And I don't care.'
Sir Loungelot approached the edge of a dark and misty lake, munching on a cheese roll. He chewed and swallowed a large mouthful, then shouted, 'Mother!'
The centre of the lake gurgled and bubbled. A moment later, a red armchair containing an elderly female dragon came to the surface. The dragon was holding a newspaper and a pen, and coughing violently. Once over her coughing fit, she frowned at Loungelot and said, 'What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of my crossword! It's got a prize of twenty gold pieces!'
'I want to ask you something,' said Loungelot.
'What?'
'Why did you give me to Allfire?'
'Is that all?' said the Lady of the Lake. 'You know why. Because I couldn't stand the sight of you. Your brother was always so much nicer to me.'
'Please, Mother, let's leave Murray out of this. Just tell me why. Was I supposed to do anything in particular?'
'Well,' said the Lady, 'it's complicated. I knew Allfire was going to do all this Square Table malarkey, and I hoped it might make a man out of you. You were supposed to be the most perfect of all knights, or at least, I thought so. There was someone who had other ideas, and we had a little bet.'
'Really?' said Loungelot. 'Who won?'
'No one. You've ended up somewhere in the middle. But if you're going to complete a quest and learn to be a better knight, you might just swing it for me.'
'Is that what I'm going to do?'
The Lady gave another hacking cough, then said, 'Maybe. Why have you come here asking about it all of a sudden?'
'Because one of these days,' said Loungelot, 'my squire is going to be knighted, and I've come to depend on him quite a lot. I don't know what I shall do without him.'
'Your squire, eh?' said the Lady. 'I remember him. He got you through that last quest I sent you on, didn't he?'
'Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. And look at these rolls he made for me.' Loungelot held out the half-eaten cheese roll. 'That's more than you ever did.'
'Oh, you're breaking my heart, you ungrateful little maggot. You'll be wanting that quest, then. Follow the dragon's breath,' she said, and coughed out a cloud of yellow gas. 'And don't look at me like that - it won't lead you to Murray this time. Well, off you go, then!'
Loungelot scowled at his mother as the rancid breath floated past him, then he turned and followed it. Moments after he had gone, there came a puff of smoke and a flash of lightning, and Merle the Wizard appeared where Loungelot had been standing.
'What are you up to, Lady?' she said, pointing an accusing finger at the dragon.
'Nothing to do with you,' said the Lady. 'He's my son, and he came to me for help, so I'm giving it to him. That's all.'
'Don't give me that! I heard you. You're trying to swing our bet.'
'I didn't ask him to come here. He wants to go on that quest. He might learn something, and he might not. Now leave me alone - I'm that close to solving fourteen down.'
'Fine!' said Merle. 'But if I'm about to fork out on that bet, at least I'll make sure to get something back. Tell you what, Lady. You use your boy, and I'll use mine.'
With that, she gave an almighty cackle, and left amid smoke and lightning twice as flamboyant as that in which she had arrived.
'You batty old cow!' the Lady yelled after her. 'It's only a round of fish and chips! Honestly, some people,' she muttered, as her chair lowered itself back down into the murky waters. 'Now, this bloomin' silly clue for fourteen down…'
In a dark and crumbling castle, tucked away in the middle of a bleak landscape, a male dragon was trying on a crown in front of a mirror. When Merle appeared before him in a puff of smoke, he jumped violently, and dropped the crown with a clatter.
'Blazing dragons, woman!' he cried. 'Don't do that!'
'You like that expression, huh?' said Merle. 'Well, good, because you're going back to Camelhot. It's time to implement the plan.'
The dragon stared at her. 'Are you joking? It's been years!'
'So? I never gave you a timescale.'
'No, I suppose not. It just seems such a long time for it to take to happen.'
'Yeah, well,' said Merle, 'it hasn't - not exactly as I predicted. But now I've got something just as good, maybe even better.'
'Oh? Then it's not the Queen and that knight, Sir Bingelot, or whatever his name is?'
'Nah, he's too careful, and I'm not even sure he really likes her. No one wants to get too familiar with Griddle-Cakes, but the Princess, on the other hand…'
'Flame can do whatever she likes,' said the dragon, 'and she can do it without stepping on Allfire's toes. She's his daughter, not his wife.'
'Exactly!' said Merle. 'She's not just his daughter - she's his only child. The whole future of Camelhot depends on her. But if she were to… I don't know… die of a broken heart, or elope, or something…' She gave the dragon a significant look.
'Why would she do a silly thing like that?'
'Will you stop arguing with me? I know what I'm doing, okay? You've been stuck in this filthy old ruin for the past however many years!'
'Yes, because you told me to be!'
'I know,' Merle said, a little more gently. 'And now I'm telling you to go to Camelhot, because the time has come. Listen to me. There's only one dragon that girl will ever consider marrying, and if what they have is destroyed, there'll be no fixing it. Camelhot will have no future. Except for you.'
With that, she lifted her right forefinger, and the crown floated up from the floor. It hovered above the dragon's head for a few moments, rotating and catching a shaft of light from one tiny window. Then it lowered itself gently onto his head. The dragon turned his attention back to the mirror. As well as the crown, his reflection was also wearing a fur-lined robe and holding a sceptre.
'I see you still have a talent for parlour tricks, wench,' he said.
'Hey!' Merle said, snapping her fingers so that the vision disappeared. 'What's with all the backchat? Okay, so you've been waiting for me a long time. Big deal. You're only here because of me, you know. I made sure your mama laid your egg, but I didn't have to let you hatch. Your shell could have given me powers beyond belief!'
'Then why didn't you crush it to powder and let me die?'
'Because I love you, of course,' said Merle, her voice turning sickly sweet. 'Okay, you're upset. I understand. I was wrong about Loungelot and Griddle, but now I can make it up to you with something even better. You just listen to Aunty Merle, sweetie. If you do everything I say, Camelhot will be all yours.'
The Lady's breath led Loungelot to a cave cut into a landscape of grey rocks, dry ground and dead trees. Scowling at the uninviting spectacle, Loungelot drew his sword and cut down a mass of ivy that hung over the mouth of the cave. Then he clambered inside, and found himself standing in a vast, open area that was flooded with light. At first glance, there was nothing there. Then he heard a faint, dreamy voice so, with nothing better to do, Loungelot followed the sound.
Soon enough, he encountered a face floating in midair, or it may have been set against a brilliantly white wall. It was barely visible but the soft, feminine tones that issued from its mouth told Loungelot that this was a woman's face.
'The time is coming,' she was saying. 'The time is coming. The time is -'
'Who are you?' Loungelot asked curtly.
The face stopped speaking, and looked at him. 'I am the Oracle of Confusion.'
'You don't sound much like an oracle to me.'
'Have you spoken to many oracles, sir knight?'
'One,' said Loungelot, 'and he sounded nothing like you.'
'Listen,' the Oracle said. 'Change will come as surely as the seasons, and twice as quick. Accept the challenge. Take the word, but do not read it. We make our peace with it as best we can. When going forward, do not be afraid to look back, but know that you can never return. Just do your best - I'm sure you'll do fine. But don't hurt the bunny. The time is coming. The time is coming. The time is coming…'
Scowling, Loungelot turned away from the Oracle. When he could no longer see her, her voice faded to a quiet hum. He took a step forward, and felt something beneath his feet. It was a scroll. He bent, picked it up, put a claw to the wax seal and then stopped. He turned to face the Oracle.
'…and then, the wizard,' she was saying. 'The great wizard of the west. Terrible, but great. The time -'
'Are you actually talking any sense?' asked Loungelot.
'Take the word, but do not read it. The time is coming…'
Again, Loungelot turned and walked away from her, this time clutching the scroll in a tight fist and muttering, 'Oracles, honestly…'
He walked on for a while, then suddenly he felt a rush of cold and began to shiver. He looked around him, and saw that he was standing in a palace of ice. There were thrones, chandeliers and a long table, all draped in icicles. To complete the scene, there were dragons as well: a king, queen and knights, forever frozen as statues.
'Curious,' Loungelot muttered, turning away from the tableau, only to find his face inches away from that of a young dragon lady, covered with a thin sheet of ice just like the rest. 'AAH!' he cried, jumping back. Then he took a moment to look at the girl, and saw a single tear frozen to her cheek.
'Hmm,' said Loungelot. 'Seems a bit of a shame. I wonder…'
He carried on looking at the girl for a moment, then went over to the table and blew a gentle stream of fire at it. Nothing happened. Loungelot looked down at the scroll in his hand, made to open it, and then stopped. 'No, this doesn't feel like the right time. Then what…?'
'There's nothing you can do.'
'I know that voice!' Loungelot span round, and saw Merle perched on one of the icy thrones. 'What are you doing here, wench? Is this your work?'
'No,' said Merle. 'This is some garbage you're supposed to figure out.'
'Well.' Loungelot took a moment to look examine the scene again, before going on, 'I think I get the general idea.' He indicated the frozen girl. 'Is this supposed to represent Princess Flame?'
'You're sharp,' said Merle. 'But you know, this whole thing is pretty one-sided. How are you supposed to make an informed decision without both sides of the story?'
'You're not a part of this quest,' said Loungelot. 'I know my mother hates me, but she hates you more - she would never have sent you to test me.'
'Your mama doesn't control everything,' said Merle. 'You're on a quest, you're going to encounter evil and I'm it. Now, are you coming with me or not?'
'Do I have a choice?'
'No!' Merle said, with a malicious cackle. Then she snapped her fingers, and the ice palace was gone.
Sir Blaze and Sir Hotbreath were playing tennis in the castle courtyard while Sir Galahot and Sir Burnevere looked on, and Princess Flame scrutinised the scene from the top of a tall stepladder. Cinder and Clinker were there too, crouching by the side of the net.
'Out!' Flame called, as Burnevere hit the ball several inches wide of the line. It went flying off, and Cinder and Clinker ran after it. 'Game, set and match, Sir Blaze.'
'Well done, Sir Blaze, sir!' said Galahot. 'Now we shall see how you measure up against me in the final!'
'There is more to tennis than mere brute strength, Sir Galahot,' said Blaze. 'I think you'll find I have a very good all round game.'
'Well, you beat me sure enough,' said Burnevere, as he and Blaze went to the net to shake hands.
'Phooey, Sir Burnevere,' said Hotbreath. 'I don't trust that net. It's the one Sir Agraflame made for us, remember?'
'Don't be silly, Sir Hotbreath,' said Flame. 'It isn't a sentient net with magic powers. Now, shall we have a little break before the final? Cinder and Clinker.' The ball boys, back in their position, stood to attention. 'Orange squash all round, I think.'
'Coming right up!' said Cinder, just as the drawbridge bell rang outside.
'Shall we get that first?' asked Clinker.
'Yes,' said Flame, 'otherwise Flicker will do it, and he's supposed to be having the weekend off.' She climbed down the stepladder as she spoke. 'I do hope whoever it is won't interrupt our tennis tournament. I'm having far too much fun to stop now.'
'Fear not, Your Highness,' said Galahot. 'No one will interfere with our beloved princess's fun.'
'You deserve a weekend off too, sis,' Blaze added. 'I know how much you do. Let's just hope it isn't some evildoer come to cause trouble, eh?'
At that moment, the drawbridge clattered to the ground, revealing a large and stately-looking male dragon.
'Egad, sir!' said Galahot. 'It's the King's nephew Scorchred!'
'The King's nephew Scorchred?' said Flame. 'But Daddy doesn't have a nephew. He hasn't even got any brothers or sisters, and neither did my mother.'
'Pardon me, Milady,' said Burnevere, 'but your father does have a half-sister. She isn't talked about.'
Flame opened her mouth to ask more, but by this time Scorchred had approached, and was holding out his arms to her.
'Flame!' he said, taking her into a crushing embrace. 'My dear little cousin! How you've grown!'
Flame turned her eyes towards the knights and - with difficulty, due to the force of Scorchred's hug - she asked, 'Have I ever actually met him?'
'Oh aye, Your Highness,' said Burnevere, 'when you were a wee bairn.'
'I remember it like it was yesterday,' said Scorchred, releasing Flame from his embrace. 'I know all of you, don't I? Except… but yes! Can this really be young Blaze? You've grown as well, old boy! And… been knighted, by the look of you.'
'Yes,' said Sir Blaze, 'quite a while ago now.'
'Good!' Scorchred's smile became suddenly much more forced, and he boomed in tones of false joviality, 'Well done you! How absolutely splendid! I'm so happy! Now, how is my dear Uncle Allfire?'
'Grand,' said Burnevere.
'Good! Good! Bet he's anxious to get you married, eh, Flame? You little heir to the throne, you!'
'How do you I know I'm not married?' asked Flame.
'Or that Mumsey hasn't given the King a son?' added Blaze.
Scorchred looked alarmed for a moment, then said, 'She hasn't, has she? No, of course not, I'd know… I mean… has she?'
'No,' said Flame.
'Good. I mean, what a shame. Well, I'll just pop in and say good morrow to them, then. Lovely to see you all again. Of course, I'll be seeing plenty more of you during my stay, won't I? It's going to be so much fun! Bye now!'
Scorchred fixed them all with an insane, toothy smile, and then went hurrying into the castle. Flame and the knights stared after him, not noticing when Cinder and Clinker arrived with a bottle of orange squash and a stack of paper cups.
'What a nutter!' said Flame.
'Indeed,' said Hotbreath. 'When we saw him last he didn't seem quite so… well…'
'Weird?' said Flame. 'Or how about suspicious?'
'Oh dear,' said Blaze. 'I jinxed it by hoping it wasn't someone evil, didn't I?'
'He might not be evil, sirs,' said Galahot. 'We must not judge him by his mother.'
'Is his mother evil?' asked Flame. 'Is that why I've never heard about her?'
'Quite so, Highness,' said Burnevere.
'Well,' said Flame, 'I wouldn't dream of judging him by her, but I feel quite happy in judging him by the way he was behaving just now. I'd better go and tell… no! No, no, no, he's having the weekend off!'
'Highness,' said Galahot, 'your trust in young Flicker is well placed, but I must ask you not to forget that we are Knights of the Square Table. We shall soon put a stop to any trouble this young man may be thinking of making.'
'I thank you, Sir Galahot,' said Flame. 'Well, we might as well get on with the final, mightn't we? Come on, Blaze and Galahot - get over by the net, and we'll toss to see who serves first.'
Loungelot found himself in pitch darkness. It took him a moment to realise that he was lying in bed, and felt very comfortable. He sat up and looked around him, his eyes narrow with suspicion. As his vision adjusted, he saw that he was in his own quarters at Camelhot. The moment he realised this, the door swung open and Flicker walked in. He crossed the room, and lit a candle with a stream of fiery breath.
'Good morning, My Lord,' said Flicker. 'Did you enjoy your quest? The Queen can hardly wait for you to regale her with tales of your adventures.'
Loungelot scowled. 'She told you that, did she?'
Flicker laughed, and said, 'Of course not. She has no idea who I am. I just happened to be there when she mentioned it.'
'Where's Merle?'
'Merle, Milord?'
'I want to get out of here.' Loungelot climbed out of bed and pointed an accusing finger at Flicker. 'You're not real, and this isn't Camelhot.'
Flicker didn't argue. He didn't even look puzzled. Instead he stooped down beside the bed, reached underneath it and pulled out a big fluffy towel.
'How about a nice hot bath, Milord?'
'Where's the Princess?'
'Oh, around.'
'I see. And she's quite all right, is she?'
'I don't know,' said Flicker. 'I haven't spoken to her for some years now.'
'Some years?' said Loungelot. 'Why not?'
'It isn't my place.'
'But you still love her, don't you? Flicker, look at me!' He grabbed Flicker - or whoever it was - by the arms and looked into his eyes, which stared impassively back at him. 'Come on! Show me the pain in your eyes!'
'Pain, Milord?' said Flicker. 'I am only your squire. You don't want to be troubled with my pain. After all, it's never worried you before.'
Loungelot scowled deeply, then threw the faux Flicker aside. He landed hard on the ground, got immediately to his feet and began to tidy up the room.
'You weren't unhappy before!' raged Loungelot. 'Not very, anyway - that's why it didn't worry me! Things change - I know that! If you… if we carried on like this forever, you'd be miserable!'
'But I'm not,' said Flicker. 'You said it yourself, Milord: I'm not real. But I'm just as good, aren't I? Maybe you could just…'
'Yes?'
'Stay here.'
