What have I become
My sweetest friend,
Everyone I know goes
Away in the end,
And you can have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you see more hurt
It was so quiet, it was so deafeningly silent reality seemed distilled. The chocolate orbs adjusted to the light around it as the sunset light flittered through his curtains, zoning in and out as if transfixed on an imaginary river that was rushing past them. It was too silent, it was the silence you experienced at a crime scene, to be the first to witness someone's demise. He wished for sound, he wanted so badly to scream, shout, to maybe even pray but the silence had consumed him, he was left without any words. Were there even any words left? He wasn't sure, all he knew is that there was silence and if it was broken there would be nothing left to him.
Sitting on the edge of his worn out couch he looked into the nothingness of his apartment. Two minutes and forty five seconds, would they be his last? He took in the scent of pine freshener and coffee, with the under tones of undone laundry, was it always this wonderful? He cocked his head to the side one minute twenty two seconds; the green wall he never painted when he moved in, it clashed with the soft creamy earth tones, or was it mocha? Had it always been so stunningly beautiful, so bold and unique? Forty three seconds which once seemed so short, how had it turned into eternity? He closed his eyes, but he could feel the light flit across his eyelids playfully and he cracked a smile, would it be his last? and then he counted.
Five, four, three, two, one, it's show time.
The silence is shattered by the turning of the lock, the creak of the unoiled gears, was it always so loud? He clamours up and straightens, stretching a plastic smile on his face, cracking the sides of his face. The door slowly opens to reveal a figure, tall and strong. Clad in dark jeans and a white shirt, with a faded grey blazer. Was it wrong to think this man was stunning, attractive even? Was it a sin to want to run his hands over that man's body? Explore its crevices and secrets? He knew better, that was poison in the form of a tender loving human being, its heart only pumping out death and fear. A poison that filled your veins with the euphoric feeling of love and then tears you down with the malice and strength of a cold hearted predator.
"What are you staring at?" He says as cold as ice, staring straight at me with raw and obvious disgust. Fatigue wearing on his face.
"I…uh, I mean that is…" I can't speak, my throat constricts, no, no, no, no, I'm only prompting his anger, It's my fault. SPEAK! I command myself, JUST SPEAK! I can't, I deserve this, what's next to come that is.
"Come here babe, just come close to me" He smiles, he almost has me convinced, he tries to be sweet, but his smile never meets his eyes. He's beckoning me into darkness, where I'll be forever. I feign ignorance to his game, it's always best, if he feels you have the upper hand, he'll crack you down harder than before.
"…" I step within an arm's reach, I deserve this, and I really do. I'm so stupid; I can't even step away from danger even when I know it is staring me in the face. Just like with Stanley Tanner, and Demetrius James, and that stupid alley way. I deserve it, I have walked into every dangerous situation that has ever happened to me, I've come out unscathed, and it's my time to pay the price.
I didn't realise it but I hesitated. I slipped up. His nostrils flare, and then there is an explosion of pain in my head, as my hair feels as if it is being uprooted. I'm gritting my teeth so hard that when I hit the floor my teeth scathe across the linoleum. I buck against the predator. His foot bangs onto my hand, eliciting a scream from me. He flips me over, clamping his hand over my mouth.
"Shut the fuck up! Do you want to disturb the neighbours you inconsiderate maggot!" he snarls out, venom and ice. There is hot molten magma in my stomach, I begin to wretch. He slips his knee onto my stomach, digging, digging, screwing it tight into my belly, it feels as if my stomach and spine are one. Just as I throw up, he slips away, but not without slamming my face into my puddle of puke.
I lie there, sobbing silently. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why am I so stupid? Why do I make him so angry? Why can't I just be a better person? As I contemplate the why's I look to my clock, twenty nine minutes and thirty eight seconds I had been lying on the ground, still sobbing like a broken child. Then the footsteps come, I tense, he can sense it. He lowers gently into a sitting position, slipping me into his arms. My back rests against his chest.
"Babe I'm sorry, It's just, I had such a long day at work, it's just I get so angry, but I never meant to hurt you, how could I? I love you so much" He rants and raves, he's desperate, but he always is after these "bouts" as I call them.
"You believe me right? When I tell you, when I tell you I love you? Because I do! If you would just act a little more warm, unafraid, I wouldn't be so mad…ugh never mind, I'm just so sorry, just don't leave me babe…. I need you….I really need you
Greg."
I crack a smile, and place a hand on his. I deserve this, I'm the monster and I force him to do this.
"It's okay babe, I know you're sorry, really. I won't go anywhere promise. Now I need to shower and get ready for work, get some rest, okay love?" I say gently, softly, stroking his hand tenderly. He helps lift me to my feet. I go to walk away and he hugs my from behind. I'm stoic; I hide my fear this time.
"I love you Greg, please, please believe me" He nuzzles his face into the small of my back, pleading, begging and hoping.
"I know Lucas, I really know" I smile, but it is so hollow, when did I lose my light?
"Now go rest sweetheart and when I get home, I'll make you breakfast before you go to work okay?"
He nods into my back and then heads to bed, I go to the shower. I walk past the mirror naked, I don't recognize the figure staring back, bruised and marred, disgusting. And without knowing it I rear my hand back and smash the mirror. The bits scatter across the floor; my knuckles are busted and bleeding. I step past the glass and turn on the hot water. I stare at a stray piece of mirror that flew into the shower below my feet. I see a face staring at me, who is he? I kick the glass to the other side of the washroom and pull the curtains. I'm enveloped by the water.
"Who am I?"
WOW, serious and scary, sad yet true. Domestic abuse happens, it's true and real. It's so painful and sad. We are going to go on a journey with Greg, to see his experience with domestic abuse and how he will rise against it or fall into its malicious cycle. We will see the journey of his friends and his career, as he is enveloped by his dangerous life style. Constructive criticism is welcomed.
