Matters of The Heart

I have been a huge fan of this pairing from the start. An idea has been floating about and I figured there was no harm in indulging it. I have taken references from the past and present series; the storylines will intertwine. The rating is more located for the future. Any references towards the show are not owned by me.

''Im sorry to of bothered you'' Victoria looked down at their intertwined hands. She did not wish to let go.
''Not at all ma'am, please never think of any of our encounters are bothersome to me'' He smiled softly at her, trying to give her some comfort.
''Goodbye Lord M'' Releasing her hands from his the young queen turned around and made her way up the track in which she came.

Lord Melbourne watched her disappear from view, before looking down at his feet and letting out a huge sigh. He felt terrible. His heart ached as much as hers probably did. What a stupid thing to do, he relayed the conversation over in his head, pacing round the small area like a lost sheep. He felt terribly regretful, obviously he had her best interests at heart, but seeing the young queen he admired so greatly to be so disappointed that her affections where turned down.. and with his own feelings being so strong for her. It was in her best interests he kept telling himself, however it didn't make him feel any better.

I know that when you give your heart it will be without reservation, but you cannot give it to me, for I have no use for it you see.

I believe you already have it.

Her words rang in his ears.

''And you have mine'' he spoke aloud to himself, he placed his hands in his pockets and made his way up the same track towards his beloved hall.

Victoria looked at her own reflection in the mirror, wondering what it was that put off the only man she had true affection for. She could still feel the emotion so raw inside of her. Her night had been near sleepless, the queen dreaded seeing the priminister today. She felt the lump in her throat swell as she relayed their conversation the previous day. She must have read their encounters incorrectly. She was certain that their friendship was enjoyed so much on both parts, maybe she had been wrong. Tears began to form in her eyes as she blinked them back. There was a knock at the door before Mrs Skerrett entered, bowing before the queen.

''I am here to prepare you for breakfast your majesty''
''Yes of course'' Victoria's voice was laced with held back tears, she cleared her throat before allowing the dresser to prepare her for the day.

The table of ladies picked up on the queens lowered mood almost immediately. Victoria picked at her breakfast as best as she could before she glanced at the clock.
''I suspect Lord Melbourne will be here ready to start with the boxes''
The duchess eyed her speculatively but said nothing, the other ladies stood whilst the queen left the room and made her way to where her beloved priminister usually waited for her. One part of her wanted to see him. To try to repatch their relationship, and the other part of her wished to run away like the young girl that she was and avoid the subject completely.

As she walked down the corridor and entered the room there stood her dear friend beside the fire, he looked up to see her and smiled warmly towards her. She smiled back in return, but felt it forced.
''Good morning ma'am'' Lord Melbourne walked over towards her, bending down on one knee he kissed her hand before rising again. ''I trust you are well''

''Yes, thankyou Lord M'' Victoria spoke in a quiet but rather short manner. ''Is there anything that requires our urgent attention today?'' The queen made her way over to her seat.

''Nothing other than a few signatures although I fear there is a problem arising in France regarding the pressure of marriage, but nothing that has arisen officially yet''

''I feel any member of a royal family in any country is pressured into marriage. It seems a tradition'' The queen looked down at her papers, knowing the lord was able to take the hint.

''Would it help to talk of our private conversation ma'am'' Lord Melbourne brought the topic of conversation up carefully.

The queen looked up at her friend with clear sadness in her expression. ''I do not wish for anything to change Lord M, I was foolish to bring up such a matter of the heart. I understand this. But I had to make my feelings clear to you, even if they were not reciprocated in the way I would have liked''

''Ma'am I must say that I did not wish to do so in such a way to upset you'' He fell silent, unable to find the correct words to cover his honesty towards her. The worry that he would hurt her further by lying to her was putting too much guilt on his shoulders.

''I simply cannot be without you Lord M, if it means I have to contain my feelings for you then so be it. But I need you by my side''

''I shall never leave you ma'am'' He spoke with true honesty in his voice, it settled the queen's nerves slightly.

The rest of the morning slipped by with little conversation. The queen read and signed her papers, complying with what Lord Melbourne suggested and not questioning it. She grew restless by the passing hour; the blissful autumn sunshine was beating through the windows. Leaving her chair, the queen walked over to the window, looking over the grounds, changing colour with the passing seasons. It is a beautiful time of year.

''I fancy a good ride'' The statement got a hold of the lord's attention.

''Im sorry ma'am?'' He turned to face her.

''Do you wish to join me? It's almost a tradition of its own''

''Of course ma'am, shall I meet you down the stables?''

''Indeed, Lord M'' She smiled as she went to prepare for riding.

The smell of the horses in the cooling air immediately cleared her troubled mind. Victoria loved being outside just as much as Lord M did. They shared many common interests. She felt a pang of regret as she realised that their once much-loved friendship could be at stake here.
The stable boy helped her to mount before assisting the lord himself.

They both set off in the direction of the woods. The sound of the horse's hooves on the crisp autumn leaves was rather therapeutic in the comfortable silence the two riders sat in.

''Do you feel you are experienced in matters of the heart Lord M?'' Her question broke the silence, but it shocked him to hear her say such a thing so bluntly

''I don't think anyone is ever educated enough, the heart has a mind of its own. You follow it because your instinct tells you to do so. But it doesn't always end in the way your heart desires'' He spoke his mind then, it felt good to be truthful towards her again.

Victoria heard the truth in his words, she felt he was saying these things in reflection of their conversation. But she then realised the age difference, and the life experience on his part was playing to the statements advantage. ''Do you regret any decisions you have made in matters of the heart?''

''To this very day ma'am'' He saw her face turn towards his. His eyes where filled with regret, his expression almost mirrored her own as she watched her reflection this morning in the mirror. But rather than filling the assumption with hope, it only clouded her mind in confusion.

''You confuse me Lord M''

''Whilst you amaze me ma'am''
A hint of a sparkle in his eye, he dug his heels into his horse and the pair cantered blissfully down the woven track. Forgetting about their problems and their whereabouts. The couple continued side by side until they were deep within the forest. The track began to narrow down and the riders pulled their horses back to a walk.

''I love this track'' The queen spoke through the deep breaths. ''Its rather magical don't you think?'' Her spirits had lifted, and it appeared the lords had to.

They both looked back. Not a guard or a chaperone in sight. They were on their own completely, secluded from their stressful world even if it wasn't for very long.

''It is one of my favourites'' he agreed whole heartedly.
The track widened to an open area, the pond centred in the middle was alive with golden leaves floating along the water... the fountain based in the middle of the pond spurted the water down its sides and kept the crystal clear water moving around the circular base. Victoria dismounted her horse allowing it to graze on the lush grass that was thriving under the warm sunlight, the place was a place of tranquil beauty. The lord watched her walk over to the ponds stoned edge before dismounting himself and following.

''Don't you just wish you could leave all your problems somewhere, and just allow your mind to escape from everything that's bothering you'' The queen spoke honestly in the quiet setting, resting herself on the stone edge as she turned to face her friend. She gestured for him to come and sit beside her.

''All the time ma'am, I don't think ordinary people realise just how trying such a life can be. But no matter what class your in, or how the hierarchy appears, everybody has problems, dreams, demons, and not one person is able to escape them. Of course a monarch probably has more trying problems. I will never not admire your strength when other prove to put you down'' He looked into her eyes honestly.

Victoria found it hard to look away from his expressions sometimes. She felt if she looked deep enough into his eyes she would find the answers to many of her unspoken questions.

''Forgive me Lord M, but I get the hint of regret in your voice from our conversation'' Victoria looked down at her hands still clothed in her riding gloves.

''Yes ma'am, you are correct'' His eyes met hers almost as soon as the question was answered, he continued ''My own feelings where not shown enough towards you, I made you feel as though you had been rejected through your gesture, it unsettled me deeply to of made you feel like this. It was not my intention, you and your safety are what gives me the only piece of mind. I would of never given you up if I had any other choice. But I felt it was my duty to comply with what others suspected''

''I feel as though others rule my life enough. Whilst I feel safe and trusted with your guidance I also feel so much more for you Lord M'' The statement caused the tears to form as her voice began to break. ''And I was terrified that I was going to loose you''

''I felt as though my affection was not worthy of yours. I am hardly the man you deserve to spend the rest of your life with, but I would never leave you. You gave me a reason to continue when nothing else came close, I am unsure as to what I would now do without you even if I was only your priminister''

''My affection is not worthy of yours'' Victoria looked back down at the water bobbing in its own rhythm, the lord's head shot up as he watched her with a shocked expression.

''I never wished to make you feel that way Ma'am''

''I feel the confusion of this all is worse than the feeling of being rejected Lord M. I wish to marry someone for love, not for the convenience of my throne or how my family will approve'' The queen moved closer to the lord to get his attention.

''Do you have any feelings for me Lord M, I wish to know the truth'' Victoria looked into his eyes and this time could read the panic and turmoil he was dealing with.

''I would prefer not to answer ma'am''

''Then show me'' The queen shuffled closer to the lord. If you desire me as I do you then show me. If you do not then stand and walk away. The threat of what she just proposed became very real. Victoria felt a strong sickness feeling in the pit of her stomach at the idea of him walking away from her. But the feeling of not knowing his true feelings overcame the fear of him leaving her. She had faith that his answer would ring true to her own assumptions.

''Do I have to ask for permission ma'am?'' he asked cautiously

''No'' The queen spoke confidently.

The lord sat quietly for a moment before slowly rising to his feet. Victoria's face fell immediately. What a fool she had been, now their friendship would never be the same.
Lord Melbourne's hand dragged her out of her thoughts as he pulled her to stand with him. He wrapped his hand around her waist and encouraged her to step forwards even closer into his frame. The young queen looked up into his eyes properly this time. Her own emotions she was sure would be clear for him to read in such proximity. It was then that the Lord lowered his head and his lips met hers with a slow and tender kiss, the queen melted into his frame immediately, a mix of emotions ran through her body, some of which she was unable to describe or name, but a huge one was a wave of relief as her dear Lord M made his feelings clear to her.

Victoria wrapped her arms around his neck as she pulled herself into his frame more, his hands remained pressed at the small of her back, preventing her from pulling away as he deepened the kiss. She felt his teeth grasp onto her bottom lip causing her to gasp, the lord took advantage of the queen's surprise as his tongue began exploring her mouth. He swallowed her moans as she to began to mirror his actions.

The lord pushed her back gently until the backs of her legs where pressed against the stone wall of the pond. She felt the him press his weight into her further, she matched his actions with as much passion as he did. The passion lost the pairing completely, he found something awoken in him he since long had forgotten. His resolve was starting just to crack before remembering himself and his whereabouts. He pulled away sharply from her and took a step back. The queen and the lord stood facing each other panting rather un mannerly.

''Im very sorry to of treated you like that ma'am'' Melbourne immediately realised that he had been rougher with her than he had intended.

''Nonsense Lord M'' The queen spoke quickly through her gasping breaths, her legs felt as if they would give way at any point, feeling for the back of the surface she slipped down and sat on the frame of the pond once more, trying to control her racing heart. ''Your actions where much desired, why did you stop so suddenly?''

''I may not of been able to had I of kept going'' The husk in his voice sent shivers down the young queen's spine, he did desire her just as much as she did him. The lord however was in turmoil. He obeyed her order of honestly expressing his true feelings. But it was a scandal surely? A priminister and personal secretary with the queen of England, what would the Tory's say, what would her family and possible suitors say.

The lord was smart enough to know that without being honest from the beginning the scandal would be looked badly upon indeed. He did not wish to tarnish the queen's reputation based on his owns desires towards her.

''I fear ma'am that we may have taken our company a step to far'' The queen looked up from her hands. Her mind deep in thought, she suddenly looked rather shocked and above all, worried.

''I understand that this is not something my kingdom would look greatly upon, and I know it would be classed as scandal if we were to be together without telling others and the public. But I feel very strongly about you Lord M.
The desires of whom I should marry are being pressured onto me. But I am not ready to marry yet. It is always at the organisation of others. It is forced and I cannot stand it. Despite being queen my mother and Sir John try to run nearly everything about my ruling. I refuse to marry a suitor only after my status. I wish to marry for love and break the tradition, when the time is right of course''

Her words were spoken very strongly. Every inch of him wanted to take this as far as it would go. He loved her implicitly, he wanted to be her companion as well as her friend. Turning her down again would ruin him as a man.

''I only wish for you to take me home'' Victoria suddenly felt very cold at the distance he had put between them.

Lord Melbourne walked to the pond and sat down beside her, she turned to face him and he took her hands in his. She saw the sight and immediately thought of that awful day at brocket hall, being turned down of her affections. She suddenly felt very young and foolish compared to him. His calm demeanour and tones would show through the years of experience he had behind him.

Victoria braced herself for the let-down.
''You are aware of my own desires for you ma'am'' She looked into his eyes and nodded slowly, unable to speak. ''And you are fully aware of the risks such a companionship as mine would expose to your kingdom''

''I have taken these thoughts into great consideration Lord M, im sure you know I have not gone into this lightly''

''The truth is, above all of the added extras to your life and ruling…you have my heart. And I know that whatever happens on our journeys, whoever comes up, you always will''

Victoria noted the saddening expression on his face, it clouded her own inner joy with something more threatening. ''Is there something you're not telling me Lord M?'' She asked cautiously.

''Nothing that I don't know ma'am, but that is the problem. The mind over thinks things in such situations''

''I do not believe that any matter of the heart is easy Lord M, going along with such deliberations in your head will drive you mad. I feel it's always best to look at the present, and enjoy what is before us''

The Lord eyed the queen carefully. He saw such power and determination in this young woman. He was well aware that everything he was doing was wrong in the eyes of others. But marrying for love is no longer a tradition, it's not given the time it deserves. He knew that he was prepared to stand by her and support her as he always did. But this time as something more.
Wherever this road took the pair of them, he would be there beside her.

''Do you trust me Ma'am?''

''With my life Lord M'' She smiled at him before placing her head on his shoulder, watching the two horses happily grazing still.

I hope it never comes to that. The Lord thought to himself.

''Do I really have your heart?'' She asked, almost afraid of your answer.

''You always have ma'am, I was a fool to turn you away'' He kissed the top of her head softly and the pair sat in comfortable silence once more.

The difficult setting during the series was easy to watch and connect with, but when writing this it proved very hard to portray, I most likely didn't do this justice. But I want to propose the difficult but not impossible tasks that the young queen may of faced if she had followed her heart at that time. The blossoming relationship will involve difficult trials and tests, I will try my hardest to stay relevant with the time this was set in but I am no history fanatic so If im wrong in any way please do not hold it against me. I hope you enjoyed reading. More chapters will be uploaded in time.