A/N: OMG, first Artemis Fowl fic from me in forever! Yay! :D I've been rereading the series in full for the first time since Lost Colony came out, and AGH I love them MORE THAN EVER :D

I have a chapterry story coming (my first chaptered AF story since WALHB! Which, for the record, is utter SHIT, and I would delete it, if there weren't people who would kill me for doing so.) but here is a short warmup oneshot which I thought was cute so am posting :) (Yes I do warmup writing nowadays haha. It helps me get into the right frame of mind, and I can post the best ones for readingness :D)

Warning: Uh... sarcastic and adorable Artemis?

Disclaimer: I am not Eoin Colfer. Sadly.

Also: This was done in notepad so sorry for lack of spellcheck/formatting.

Dinnertime

"Can you say 'aaaaaah'?" Cooed the hulking bodyguard Domovoi Butler, a small, dark-haired one year old nestled in the crook of one enormous arm, and a spoon of mushy baby food held in his other hand. He smiled gently at the child, who pouted right back.
"I can say more than 'aaaaah'. I can say whole sentences!" The toddler replied indignantly, folding tiny arms and continuing to pout. His bodyguard sighed, slumping slightly in his seat. And here he had thought guarding a baby would be easy work.
"I know you can, Artemis, but I can't put the spoon in your mouth unless you say 'aaaaaah'."
"I know, but I don't want the spoon! I'm full!" Artemis protested, kicking his small, bootie covered feet.
"You've barely eaten anything! It'll make you big and strong like me!" Butler flexed the spoon arm, the line of his crisp suit bulging with muscle.
"I'm only little now though! I don't fit as much food as you do!" Artemis continued determinedly, and it was a fair argument, given that he was roughly the size of his bodyguard's forearm. "You haven't eaten as much as you should though, even for someone as little as you. I bet there's room in that tummy for more!" He tickled Artemis's tummy with his little finger and the infant giggled delightedly, flailing his arms and legs around wildly. "Tummy!" Artemis yelled happily, intellect deserting him briefly while the tickling took over, and for a moment, Butler could almost believe he was a normal one year old. Then he regained control, crossing his little arms and staying firm in his convictions.
"No. I'm not hungry." Artemis insisted. "I wanna watch Dabid... DRAT!" Highly developed Artemis may be, but some words still evaded him. "Dabid... Dabi... Da-VID AttenBU-RROUGH. Wanna watch him." He finished, and Butler sighed. "Very well, but only one episode. Then it'll be time for bed, and you don't want mummy coming downstairs to kiss you goodnight and finding you not there, do you?"
"Mummy!" Artemis said excitedly, cooing and waving his little arms. "Want mummy want mummy want mummy!"
"She's busy with your father right now, helping him negotiate a deal. She'll be up to kiss you goodnight at bedtime though, and if you're good, she might even sing you a song."
"Song!" Artemis said in delight, thoroughly excited. "I want it to be bedtime now!" "I know you do, Artemis, but we can't move time to suit our needs. Would you like to watch Secret Life Of Plants or-"
"Plants!" Artemis commanded. Butler nodded, setting him in his comfortable TV-watching chair, and selecting the videotape, sliding it into the player. It started from where they had left off, and Artemis stared at the screen, enraptured, absorbing as much knowledge as his little brain could handle. Not just information about plants, but the way words were pronounced, and sentences strung together. Every night his vocabulary increased, and Butler was constantly astounded by the little boy, no doubt in his mind that little Artemis would grow into a truly astounding man, who would do great things. And how right he was.