Dear Wendy,

You're my best friend. We talk about everything, and yet I find myself needing to write this down because I'm not sure I could say any of this out loud.

You are the smartest girl I know. Oh, I know I'm not as dumb as most people assume I am (I'm not sure anyone other than you and some of the girls know I pull straight As without working much harder than you and Kyle, but whatever), but you're seriously brilliant. You're not just the smartest girl in our class, but you're the smartest kid in our class. I'd say you're the smartest kid in our school, but, as you like to say, you're just a "near genius" while Ike is an actual certified genius. (And I know, you and Kyle are constantly battling to see who is the smartest, and you know I love Kyle, but you win babes. Sorry, Kyle.)

And yet, here's the thing, you can be a complete idiot at times. Wendy, listen to me. It is NOT normal for a teenaged boy to vomit when he's making out with his girlfriend. It was one thing, even grossly cute, when we were kids. But we're Seniors in High School! Stan's the Captain of the Football Team! The fact that half of them time you cannot even kiss without him spewing everywhere, forget anything else, is kind of a huge sign, sweetie. His body is trying to tell him something, even if he's refusing to listen. (Though I don't get why. South Park's really open now. I mean, ok, I get that it's still scary, but our town's all ok with it, and so are his folks. Though, I guess that maybe it's the difference between abstract and OMG MY SON!)

Sweetie, the thing is, you are smart enough that surely you've realized this. You're beautiful; you're brilliant; you're fun; you're caring; you're ambitious. I'm not exaggerating when I say that you could have anyone you want. And yet, you chose to stay with someone who literally gets physically sick making out with you. Babes, you can do so much better than that.

You need to let Stan go. For good. Be friends, but stop settling for someone throwing up on you! Please!

And I've got to wonder why you do settle for that. Actually, I don't. I know why. This, in fact, may be the one time I'm smarter than you. You settle for it, because you don't want to do more than kiss Stan Marsh. In fact, you may not even want to kiss him at all, but Class President and Starting Quarterback/Football Captain is some kind of High School powerhouse or something. Maybe both of you really do know what's going on, but don't admit it, even to yourselves, because this is safe and comfortable.

Well, Gwendolyn Marie Testaburger (Yes, babes, sorry, this does warrant the full name. Deal with it!), safe and comfortable aren't all they're cracked up to be. Not when you could have real happiness and giddy excitement. Remember when I said you could have anyone you want? Well, I meant it. Only, you better want a particular someone, or I'm going to be rather pissed. Let's break up the power couple, then we can break up the fake second power couple, and make two real couples that are awesome and happy (and can actually enjoy being physical). And seriously, sweetie, I'm pretty sure Class President and Cheer Captain will be plenty powerful. (Not to mention, we're hot and all the straight guys will…well, you probably don't wanna think about that, do you? Sorry.) Honestly, you have to admit, Stan and Kyle will be just an adorable couple.

So, stop being an idiot. Dump Stan, and go out with me. You know you want to.

Love you,

Bebe

PS-Yes, we've only been dating to make the two of you happy. Don't worry. I'm talking to Stan, too. I have to admit, Wends, this is the one area I have you clearly beat, intelligence-wise. -Kyle (PPS, we need to work on our argument for the debate meet with North Park. Tomorrow afternoon work for you?)