Part One: Love

For those of you who are simply wondering who I am, I'll give you a brief description. I am a talking dog and if you say that I'm motherfucking Scooby-Doo, Rin Tin Tin or that bastard Astro I will see to it that your eyes are cut out with a spoon. My name is Brian and this is another story and it begins on sunny afternoon at the Griffin house.

I was sitting in front of the couch, for some reason I was sitting how every other dog on the planet did and not how I normally sat nowadays. Realizing this I quickly readjusted myself only to find that I was more comfortable in the previous position. This bothered me a great deal, so much so that I sat in silence for seven minutes contemplating the meaning behind this. I came up with nothing.

Lois decided that it would be a good idea if I started mingling with other dogs in order to help improve my social skills, for I wasn't very good at doing much of anything that normal dogs should do. Predictably, the obvious and most embarrassing approach is to visit every single dog park in town until I made some friends of my own kind, easier said than done. Dog parks by the way, are the worst invention that humans could ever conceive. There is absolutely no privacy, nothing in it for the dogs and is merely an excuse for lonely people to meet up and start the dating scene. For me, it was Hell, for Lois, it was just another chance to annoy every person she met with her nasally voice, her old fashioned and sometimes ridiculous outfits and her ten years out of date vocabulary.

We only been at the park for exactly four seconds when Lois found someone to talk to and eventually cause their ears to bleed due to her obsessive need to have attention. Unfortunately I was trapped, hung by the neck at the collar with the shortest leash that money could buy and practically being dragged off the ground as a result. The more I struggled the more the leash choked me and the more Lois tightened the grip on the leash, making it even shorter than it was before. "Lois" I said finally finding enough slack in the leash to get a word out, "Get this thing off me. I'm choking to death." Lois turned towards me and saw that my hind legs were off the ground. The only thing she did was lower her hand, which brought me back down to the ground on all fours.

Just when things couldn't get any worse they got worse. We entered a heavily populated area of the park, dogs and human alike were everywhere, most of them were relatively happy, the dogs were catching sticks and Frisbees and the humans were enjoying the company of friends and their animals. All of them were without leashes, making me feel even more uncomfortable for not only did Lois keep the leash on and tightened the grip, but her voice got louder as well, causing everyone, including me, to cover their ears in extreme pain at the sound of her voice. I swore that I could hear gunshots going off in the distance, ears exploding and people shouting Satanic phrases and summoning demons to try and end Lois' life. Personally at this point, I would've considered it a blessing.

Finally Lois had enough sense to stop talking and sit on a bench. I turned towards her and tried to speak, but the leash prevented me from doing anything, my throat was killing me. I pointed to the leash to try and signal Lois to take it off or at the very least loosen it so that I could breathe and speak properly. "You want it tighter?" Lois asked, misinterpreting my signals, "Okay, but any tighter and I'll have to send you to the hospital Brian. But you asked so..." Lois then did the worst thing imaginable, she tightened the leash to the point where my collar was now cutting off my circulation in my head. Strangely I became immediately horny and had the sudden urge the hump the nearest tree I could find, my body though, despite these urges went comatose as I slipped into unconsciousness.

I woke up on a veterinarian hospital bed; Lois was next to the bed, as well as Peter and the rest of the family. On the small table to the right were the leash and my collar, both of which were cut. I touched my neck and found ligature marks. I immediately turned towards Lois, "You could've killed me!" I exclaimed, wanting to scream and finding my voice extremely hoarse and barely audible. Peter stepped in, "It's this new medication she's on Brian. She can't really think things straight right now." I looked at him in disbelief, "So you're more mentally competent than she is right now?" Peter nodded, causing me to laugh hysterically, "Are you fucking kidding me!" I yelled, my throat was on fire but I was too upset to care, "You! Are you bullshitting me right now Peter? Because if you are I congratulate and give you a standing ovation." Peter stared at me in silence; his face was all too serious for it to be a joke. This only made it worse as I laughed harder and slipped into madcap insanity, my smile stretched all across my face reminiscent to that of The Joker. Peter, Stewie and Chris later told me that it was creepiest thing that they had ever seen.

XXXXXXX

Three days later I was back home. Stewie avoided me, having been terrified by my madcap insanity episode, which honestly at the moment was for the best. Lois, now calmer and her medication under control, decided once again to get me to socialize with other dogs. This time though Lois promised me no leash and no dog parks. Reassured by this I went along for one more try.

Sitting in the passenger seat of Peter's car I told Lois that I wanted to try something different and go for the dating scene in the dog community, this brought a wide eyed look and a long pause. I sighed and gave my explanation, "I'm tired of this...going for these bar shanks and women that I know I don't have a chance with. I want something real Lois, something stable." I then told Lois my secret desire, the thing that I wanted above all else. "I want to be a father" I laughed as tears of happiness and longing welled up in my eyes, "I've always dreamt of hearing the subtle bark of pups in the morning. The cold, small, wet noses as they would wake me up followed by the soft, warm embrace of fur as she woke up, getting five extra minutes of sleep that she desperately deserves." I began choking up, I wiped my eyes. Lois was completely speechless, her eyes was enough for me to tell that she was emotionally moved. After a few seconds I spoke again, "I would look at her and she would look at me. We would look at our kids and smile as we all gathered each other close. Then we would romp around the yard, play fetch, wrestle and run before we would all go to the boardwalk for a nice evening dinner." I shook my head as my dream suddenly disappeared and I was thrown back into reality, "That would be my prefect day."

I turned towards Lois who was now doing the wise monkey Speak No Evil pose. I hung my head in shame, embarrassed that I had told her the one thing that in a way I never wanted to tell anyone. "I just want to be normal Lois" I said, hoping that she would say anything in the lines of reassurance or encouragement. All I got was a confused stare. The ligature marks on my neck were beginning to hurt, I feared they were going to be permanent for they were deep and heavily bruised. A small single tear escaped my eye and fell to the floor. "Help me Lois" I pleaded, "I don't want to be alone anymore." Lois, in response, wrapped her arms around me in what was perhaps the longest hug that I've ever been in, for we stayed that way for about twenty minutes before pulling out of the driveway.