The following is a recorded broadcast with evidence of tampering. This tampering was recorded during regular viewing hours by an unknown hacking source. The Crimson Raider Distribution Company holds no legal ownership of any of the materials present in this recording and is only using this as part of this report.


Here for your viewing entertainment, Hyperion Entertainment presents:

Transformers 8.97

Directed by: Mel Bay

Screenplay by: Mel Bay

Stunts by: Mel Bay

Explosions by: Mel Bay

Acting by: Mia Lebough and Reagan Foxx


Mia Lebough woke up and yawned, grunting lowly in a fairly masculine demeanor. Her car, a yellow Pinto, was outside. Don't tell anyone, but it was secretly a giant transforming robot that wasn't that related to the original source material the idea was borrowed from.

"Oh man, I really hope Reagan doesn't leave me," she murmured rubbing her head. "Of course if he does, we'll just justify it in-story as a tragic break-up instead of legal action taken by the actor playing him…I mean…uh…I think I'll have Cocoa Puffs today."

She…

ERROR. TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTING. PLEASE WAIT FOR…

"Pitiful humans, my name is Grave Lord Arlon. I have intercepted your ECHOnet broadcasts to relay a message to all of you. I require your assistance in dealing with hostiles in my home…"

ERROR. TRANSMISSION RETURNING…

Reagan Foxx whipped his girlish hair to the side, fanning himself narcissistically with his hand. "I can't do this anymore! People are just going to these movies for my body! I…"

ERROR. TRANSMISSION INTERUPTING. PLEASE WAIT FOR…

"Alright, fuck it, never mind. I need help and I'm paying cash. The planet is called Sheol. ECHO the damn thing why don't ya. And if you think this is a stupid job, I want you to know what I'm paying. A…"

ERROR. TRANSMISSION RETURNING…

Mia Lebough shook her head, hanging it lowly in melodramatic despair. "Oh this sucks! Reagan left me due to the lawsuit against our director, I mean…because I wasn't that great of a girlfriend! This sucks so much!"

She…

ERROR. TRANSMISSION INTERUPTING. PLEASE WAIT FOR…

"Motherfucker! I'm offering a Vault! Okay, a Vault! With…guns and shit inside! If that don't make you come running, go back and die in a hole somewhere. Later filthy humans, I will await your arrival with mild contempt. Okay, Alex, cut me off the air. God I hate doing shit like that. Do people really watch movies like this? This is total…Alex goddamn it I'm still on the air! You fucking idiot, I'm going to…"

ERROR. ERROR. ERROR. TRANSMISSION CUT. NO DATA. NO DATA. NODATANODATANODATA…


Analysis

Ms. Lilith, we have strong evidence to believe that this broadcast was interrupted by the Grave Empire based in the Sheol system. Several similar broadcast interruptions were recorded from Dahl, Vladof, Jakobs, Pangolin, and Anshin. We believe that this message being transmitted through these broadcasts is a call to action from the Sheol system, though for what purpose we cannot determine.

My advice is to ignore these broadcasts, as they do not specifically address us or any of our allies or enemies in any way, and may just be coincidental.

My other advice is to never see the movie being interrupted in the above broadcast. Believe me, it's terrible. Unneeded characters up the yin yang, humor that really wasn't relevant to the main characters at all, and the fact it's a live action film based off a cartoon. Need I say more?

Sergeant Jessup, Motherfuckers

PS: And to the audience reading this, in case you couldn't figure it out, this was a huge reference to the Michael Bay Transformer movies. So go back, chuckle a bit at each reference, and continue reading. Motherfuckers.