"Fraser, I am in love with your sister."
"That's nice, Ray."
"Real love. True love. True love forever."
"Ray, it would probably be best if you went to sleep."
"Truuuuuueee looooove."
Fraser closed his eyes and thought forcefully about hypothermia seeping into his bones.
Ray opened his eyes and thought forcefully about how he was right, he was always right, and Maggie Mackenzie owed him twenty dollars.
##
"You owe me twenty dollars," Ray said. Maggie lifted her head from the wooden bear she was carving (God, did all Canadians do that?) and smiled.
"No, I don't," she said.
"Yeah, you do," Ray insisted. He held his hand out in front of her face and wiggled his fingers. She kept smiling. "I tried the whole jealousy thing and it didn't work so. Pay up."
"I don't think so," Maggie said. She'd gone back to carving and Ray was mesmerized. She could totally kill him, he thought, kill him and slice him up into little pieces and no one would ever know. But she wouldn't do that, right? Right? Right. "Didn't you see him this morning?"
"Yeah."
"And you saw what he was doing?"
"Yeah. He was chopping firewood. So?"
Maggie raised a perfect eyebrow.
"So there you go. Give me my twenty dollars."
Ray spluttered.
"What do you mean give you twenty dollars? That doesn't prove anything!"
The carving stopped. The bear scowled up at him. Maggie shook her head and got to her feet.
"Oh, Ray," she said, "That proves everything."
##
Maggie and Ray were having an intense discussion on the porch. They were standing very close together.
Fraser didn't care at all.
It was a beautiful day outside. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and did they have to stand that close together? Honestly? That was just impractical.
##
"Fraser, what would you do if I asked your sister to marry me?"
"I'd strongly advise her not to accept."
"Aww, Fraser, you say the sweetest things."
##
"It's been two days and he still hasn't swept me into his arms and declared his undying love for me. What is up with that?"
"Well, Ray," Maggie said, smiling sweet and sadistic, "You have to be patient. These things take time."
"I hate waiting," Ray said. "I was born three weeks premature, you know."
"Yes," Maggie sighed, "I know."
##
Sometimes, Maggie and Fraser would get a conversation going and all Ray would hear would be caribou. Caribou? Caribou caribou! Thank you kindly, caribou.
Most nights, he could handle it. (Most nights, he was distracted by Fraser's stupid face, all happy and animated and glowing. Glowing. What a jerk.)
However, tonight was the third night. It was the third night and no one had written him any long, angsty love letters. It was the third night and no one had told him how beautiful he looked in the firelight. It was the third night and he hated everything. It was the third night and Maggie still hadn't given him twenty dollars.
So. Desperate times, desperate measures, you know the drill.
"Maggie, will you marry me?"
The conversation stopped. Maggie stared at him. Fraser stared at him. Diefenbaker stared at him. Ray stared right back.
Yeah, freaky twins, Ray thought, that's what you get when you refuse to declare your love for me. Ha!
After a moment, Maggie covered her face with her hands and laughed. Ray smiled. Diefenbaker shook his head. Fraser stood up.
"I think now is a good time for Diefenbaker's walk," he said and Diefenbaker whimpered.
##
"Fraser, it's the middle of the night. And it's snowing."
"Mm-hmm. Come on Diefenbaker."
"You're going to die."
"That's nice, Ray. Come on Diefenbaker."
"If I find your body in the snow, I'll laugh!"
"I believe you. Dief. Now."
"I'll throw an I-told-you-so party!"
"Fine. Dief, stay. I'll be back in an hour."
The door slammed behind him.
##
Ray turned around.
"You're brother is going to die," he told Maggie. She shrugged and picked up her bear again.
"We're all going to die one day," she said.
"Not me," Ray said, crossing the room and sinking into Fraser's abandoned seat. "I'm going to live forever."
"That's nice."
"I'm going to find a nice new Canadian and settle down."
"Alright."
"You still owe me twenty dollars."
Maggie grinned. It was a terrifying sight to behold.
##
When Fraser got back, he found Maggie and Ray at the kitchen table, drinking hot chocolate.
"I said yes," Maggie told him, "We're thinking a spring wedding."
"Wonderful," Fraser said.
##
"He didn't fly into a jealousy induced rage."
"Give him time."
"Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting?"
"You might have brought it up once or twice."
##
"Are you jealous?"
Ray stood in the doorway. As Fraser watched, he made his way over to his cot and began struggling to take off his sweater. He got caught with it halfway over his head.
"Jealous, Ray?"
"Yeah," Ray said. His voice was muffled through the sweater but what Fraser couldn't hear, he could interpret from Ray's violent hand gestures. "Of me and Maggie. And our spring wedding."
"Ah," Fraser said, returning to his book.
"So, are you?" Ray's hands said.
"I've always preferred summer weddings, actually," Fraser said. Somehow, Ray managed to get one eye out over the top of the sweater.
"Summer weddings?"
"Yes. Sometime in August, perhaps."
The other eye made its appearance. Together, the two blinked at him.
"August is a good month," Ray said.
"I've always thought so," Fraser replied.
With one last valiant effort, Ray managed to rid himself of the sweater and fling it to the ground. When Fraser looked up from his book, Ray was smiling at him.
Fraser took a deep breath.
"Well, whenever you get married, I wish you all the happiness in the world," he said. He didn't look away from his book until Ray stood and turned off the light.
##
They were both sulking. Maggie couldn't handle it.
"How do you deal with this all the time?" she asked Diefenbaker.
Lord only knows, Diefenbaker replied.
##
Ray had taken up woodcarving.
He was going to lose a finger. It was only a matter of time before he lost a finger. It was probably going to be his right thumb. Ray was never careful enough with his right thumb.
Fraser wasn't going to do anything about it. He wasn't. No. No. No. Nope. No.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RAY, DO YOU VALUE YOUR DIGITS AT ALL?"
Everything in the room froze. Fraser fled.
##
"That does not count as proof."
"Ray, he was concerned for your hands."
"Of course he was concerned for my hands, everyone is concerned for my hands! I have beautiful hands!"
"…"
"I AM NOT GIVING YOU TWENTY DOLLARS."
##
"Fraser, are you in love with Ray?"
Fraser spit tea off the front porch.
"Am I… am… hwuh?"
Wow, Ben, eloquent, Fraser thought. His grandmother would disown him.
"Are you in love with Ray? Because I bet him twenty dollars that you are and he's refusing to pay up."
"He's… am I… hwuh?"
Any second now, the sky was going to split in two and his grandmother was going to descend from the heavens.
Benton Fraser, she would say, I am tremendously disappointed in you.
Yes. Tremendously. She would say tremendously, even though she hated adverbs, because she was just that disappointed.
"If you are in love with him, you should probably do something about it. Before he proposes to anyone else."
"Before…he…I… who… hwuh?"
So very disappointed.
"Well, I'm not sure who he would propose to. Diefenbaker, maybe."
Diefenbaker whimpered.
"You wouldn't have to say yes, Diefenbaker."
Diefenbaker tilted his head.
"I don't care if you like wedding cake, you cannot marry Ray."
##
In the end, it took an hour, four cups of tea, and a whole lot of coaxing for Maggie to get Fraser off the front porch.
"Men," she said, sitting down next to Diefenbaker and watching her ridiculous brother set off into the snow in pursuit of his equally ridiculous partner/future boyfriend/father of his future adorable adopted children who would totally like Maggie more than any of Ray's relatives.
Tell me about it, said Diefenbaker.
##
Ray was going to make this snowman if it killed him. He was having a difficult week and he was going to make a snowman, damn it, and then he was going to have some hot chocolate, and then he was going to take a nap. Because he deserved it.
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Fraser approaching and carefully ignored him. No one was going to get in the way of this snowman. Not even dumb pretty Mounties.
"Ray."
Ignoring.
"Ray."
Still ignoring.
"Ray. Ray."
Ignoring so hard.
"Ray."
"What, Fraser?" Ray snapped. He jabbed the nose onto the snowman's face and glared at Fraser. "What do you want from me? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Yes, Ray, I'm terribly sorry, it's just that…"
Bla bla bla caribou bla bla bla that is not proper snowman making technique Ray bla bla bla only Canadians can make snowmen bla bla bla
"…I'm afraid you're going to have to give Maggie twenty dollars after all…"
Bla bla bla I'm a Mountie bla bla bla they teach you how to make snowmen in Mountie school bla bla bla but you didn't go to Mountie school because you're American and therefore super lame bla bla…. Wait what?
"Wait, what?"
And then Fraser kissed him.
##
In the distance, they could hear Maggie cheering.
