Note for compilation: This is now a compilation of short crackfics and drabbles pertaining to Elibe. Expect weirdness.
Eliwood: A Tale of Awesomeness
Author's note: A fill for a request you may have seen floating around.
Once upon a time there was a lord named Eliwood. He was totally fucking badass. I'm talking, seriously the most asskicking, balls-to-the-wall bastard you will ever meet. Dude had red hair – like blood, because that's dark and edgy – and didn't wear the usual wimpy-as-fuck tunic and breeches that prissy lords might wear. No, Eliwood of Pherae was so fucking badass that he wore black leather, head to toe. Covered in dead cow, that guy. And did I mention his fire sword? Because bitch, you know he had a fire sword. Thing was eight feet long, pure steel and diamonds and onyx and other cool sounding materials I know fuckin' nothing about.
Yeah. That's how awesome Eliwood of Pherae was. So damn awesome his sword defies description. Not like those candy-ass fuckers with their rapiers and tiaras or whatever, no way.
Anyway, one day he was out with his bro Marcus, who was also badass. Marcus was so badass that – get this – he could fight on a horse. But! He could also fight OFF a horse! Now, how many badass motherfuckers do you know who can do that shit? I don't think you know any. But of course he wasn't as badass as his lord Eliwood, cuz Eliwood? You know he could shoot fuckin' fire out his nose if he wanted, and melt your brain with his eyes. Hell yeah.
There were some bandits or something, and Eliwood, being the badass dude he was, pwnt them all instantly with a smirk of sardonic win on his face.
"Damn. I am so fuckin' cool," Eliwood said. And then he was all, "I need me a bitch."
And then suddenly, out of nowhere, there was Lyn. Now Lyn was one sexy, sexy chica. I'm talkin' Megan Fox plus Angelina Jolie plus that one chick you, reader, have always had a thing for. You know the one. Oh baby you do.
Anyway, she was like that. But hotter, with a skirt that would get this story rated NC-17 if I went any further in detail. So I fuckin' won't, because Eliwood of Pherae was fuckin' WHOLESOME, you perv.
But yeah, she was seriously fuckin' sexy. And badass, too. No pansy-ass dancer chicks or chicks on flying fuckin' horses for Eliwood of Pherae, no way. Only candy-ass tiara lords went for that shit.
When she saw Eliwood, the badass motherfucker of Pherae, Lyn was just overcome by his sheer win-ness. "Oh, Eliwood," she gasped. "You're so sexy, we should get together, like, now."
Eliwood, being so damn cool and all, just flashed a smirk at his badass bro before saying, "Fuck yeah, let's do it."
And thus did the pimpin' times of Eliwood of Pherae and his awesome chica Lyn begin.
The end.
