Hmm…the introduction was rather squishy. But believe me, this one won't be squishy!! At least, not in my opinion…so, yeah!! My first even SLIGHTLY dramatic S&T Hamtaro story!!! How ha-pi!!! ^_^  What is there to say? Well…STUFF!!! Now read, neehee…

Disclaimer: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh, yeah, and I don't own Hamtaro.

Warning: You…probably noticed this isn't G rated. You probably also noticed this is called "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro". Kindly do the math and notice that this story, and all in its series, are not cute and fluffy like the ones on TV.  So there. I warned you. I won't tolerate any flames upon this subject because of your stupidity to read this even after I warned you.

Yet another author note before you read on your merry way: I recommend that you read my "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro" story before you read this. Or else you won't get why everyone's acting so…well, so quirky.

:)          ;)         :P      ~_^         ^_^         ^-^      

"Bye, Hamtaro, I'm off to school!!" Laura said, very happy. She looked down to the cage by her feet, and saw Hamtaro dragging himself out, to say goodbye to her.

"Hamtaro…you don't look so good. What's got you so worn out?" Laura asked, noticing how unusually puckered out her hamster seemed. He immediately perked his head up and smiled.

"Heke?"

"Must've been imagining things…" She looked down once more. Hamtaro just cocked his head in a cute manner.

"Well, as I was saying, I'm off to school!! See ya' later!!" And with that, Laura exited her room.     

Hamtaro just sat down and crossed his paws.

"Why do I go there anyway? A few weeks have already passed, and they're still not any better!!" he just sighed.

"Well…I'm off…" he reluctantly made his way out. Soon, Hamtaro reached the door to the clubhouse.

"At least it can't get any worse…" Hamtaro said to himself, reaching for the doorknob.

"Oh, yes it can…" cackled an evil-sounding voice in his head.

"LALALA!! I'M NOT LISTENING! I'M NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!" he loudly sang out, as he covered his ears.

Sick and Twisted Hamtaro: The One and Only Psychotic Baby!

Hamtaro slowly uncovered his ears.

"MWAHAHA!! I'M STILL HERE!!!!!" yelled the evil voice.

"EEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" screamed Hamtaro

"It doesn't matter, I'm just warning you…"

"If I'm supposed to be the only sane one, what am I doing talking with the voices in my head?"

"I'm INTUITION, dammit!"

"No you're not…"

"Am SO!!"

And so, while Hamtaro was arguing with that voice-

"INTUITION!!!! IN-TU-I-TION!!!"

…was arguing with his INTUITION…

"Much better."

…things were happening at the clubhouse. Boss was eating some Prozac, Pashmina was stating the obvious, Panda was preparing to rob somebody, Howdy and Dexter were gambling…you know, the usual.

Jingle was in the study (even if the clubhouse doesn't really have a study, well, it has one now!!), writing.

"Lalala, a dabble of ink here, doo doo doot, some writing there, lululu, Excel, dadada, stuff, Ri-ki-do, Ri-ki-do, I'm three days past the deadline…" sang Jingle to himself. It wasn't one of his best songs, but hey, whatever floats his boat.

"Hell-o, Jingle…" Bijou greeted, standing in the open doorway of the study.

"Hello, Bijou…" he replied, continuing to write.

"How's about we make some poetry toge-zether, eh, Shingle?" Bijou asked, in her sluttiest manner.

"Sure, why not?" he answered, unaware that Bijou's poetry and his poetry were two different things. Bijou just giggled her trademark prostitute giggle, before rushing to Jingle and closing the door on the way.

"W-W-WHAT ARE DOING!?" asked a surprised Jingle.

"Poetry, of course!" Bijou answered.

"Oh yeah…poetry…" he responded. He sounded as if he really believed that was Bijou's way of artistic expression. And I guess it was, in a way.

Sandy stood just outside of the study's door, astonished. She heard everything, despite the door being closed. She sighed, then sat next to Boss.

"You gonna share some?" she asked. Boss looked at her, through tears, for a moment, before handing her a bottle of Prozac.

Meanwhile, Hamtaro finally came to a decision.

"I'M GOIN' IN!!!" he yelled, while standing up.

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you…" responded his intuition.

"I don't care!" he yelled back, heading to the doorknob. Hamtaro opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hamha!" he greeted. Some of the Ham-Hams looked at him for a moment, before returning to what it was that they were doing. Hamtaro saw that the door to the study was closed.

"I wonder why…" he began, heading towards the study, to open its door. He suddenly felt something wrap around his tail, stopping him from going any further.

"Like, you better SO not go in there!" Sandy yelled to him from behind. Her ribbon was what stopped him.

"Um…why?"

"Like, isn't it so obvious?"

"…no…"

"Bijou and Jingle in there? Ring any bells?"

"Um…"

"You know…doing IT?"

"I'm not catching on…"

"Like, do I need to draw pictures, or what?"

"Please do…"

Sandy slapped her face.

"You know…like, a snake in the grass?"

"Bijou is deceiving Jingle?"

"No…"

"Jingle deceiving Bijou?"

"No, no…like, you know, like…the meat part of a pig in a blanket, going into its blanket?"

"Um…" Hamtaro responded, with a big sweatdrop. Sandy took out a megaphone and yelled into it,

"THEY ARE MAKING LOVE!!! L-O-V-E! LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! WHICH IS WHAT THEY ARE MAKING!!"

"Making love? Like…sexual intercourse?"

"Like, DUH!"

"Ooohhh…well, I didn't need to know that…"

"Glad I, like, stopped you from going in there, huh?"

"Y-yeah…" he shivered. Sandy returned to the table and continued on her Prozac.

"Hmm…this place needs some pepping up!!" Hamtaro thought.

"Hey you guys!" he yelled, "let's have some fun, eh?" Everyone looked at him.

"Sorry, but Howdy and I are a bit busy…" Dexter said, he and Howdy holding playing cards in their hands.

"Like, I just came out of the closet, you know?" Sandy stated.

"*sob!*" cried Boss.

"Erm…I have other plans…" said Panda, while preparing some pantyhose to put over his head.

"Ooo, Hamtaro just asked something naughty!!" Pashmina stated, perhaps not as obviously as she thought it was.

"You guys think I'm trying to do THAT!?!" yelled Hamtaro. Everyone nodded.

"D'oh!" cried out Hamtaro, slapping his face with his paws.

"Hey, Hamtaro, wanna play cards?" Oxnard asked, between bites, while holding a deck of cards in his paw.

"Sure!" answered Hamtaro. They found a nice space on the floor, and set the cards up. Oxnard spread out a few sunflower seeds in front of him, and began dealing.

-Sometime later-

"THE FISH WILL BITE YOU!!! BITE YOU, I SAY!!!!!!!" Oxnard yelled, putting down some cards on the floor.

"Oh yeah? Well, I say, THE TINY POTATO HAS AN AFRO AND A SMALL PAIR OF WINGS!!!! So, top that." replied Hamtaro, a big grin on his face. He also set down some cards.

"Oh, you sure make this hard…" responded Oxnard, beginning to chew on a seed to help him think.

Suddenly, big 'SLAM!' was heard. All the Ham-Hams looked in the direction of the noise to see that it was someone opening the door, apparently with so much excitement, that it slammed.

"*huff* Oh, Shingle, *hiff* zat waz zzzoooooooo *huff* good!!" Bijou commented, while panting. She was sweating a bit, too. Hamtaro immediately covered his ears.

"Don't KNOW!! Don't WANNA know!!!" he screamed. Everyone turned and looked at him.

***

By the time it was the "Reflections" part of the day (you know…where Laura writes in her diary?), Hamtaro was twitching. But that was normal, by now.

"Guess what, Hamtaro? Today was really boring!!" Laura informed, in an excited manner. She continued writing in her diary.

"Everyone just acted like normal. Kana was very Kana, June was very June, Kylie was very Kylie, Glitter was very Glitter, and…"

"And what?" Hamtaro asked, in his head.

"And Travis was very…*sigh*…perfect…*sigh*…dreamy…*sigh*…handsome…*sigh* oh, Travis…*siiiiiiiiigh*"

"Today was also pretty uneventful…" Hamtaro began, in his head, "I mean, uneventful in the way that Howdy and Dexter still gamble, Panda still robs, Boss is still depressed…" he took a moment from his thinking to grab a sunflower seed Laura was giving him, "…and Bijou still likes Jingle. Today, I learned a few metaphors about how to say, 'sexual intercourse', but nothing too big about the whole Bijou and Jingle thing…"

With that last sentence, Hamtaro dropped his seed as a large shiver went up his spine.

"I'm baaaaaack…" said his "INTUITION"

"Hey, what's with the quotes?"

Nothing, nothing…

"Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be even better, donchya think, little guy?" Laura asked, closing her diary and smiling at her hamster.

"H-heke?" Hamtaro asked, still shaken up by that sudden chill.

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END CHAPTER ONE

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What better way to end chapter one than with the end of the day, eh? Some of you probably guessed what'll happen, but oh well. I'll try and get chapter two ASAP, that I will!!! It's not too dramatic now, but as many of my S&T Hamtaro goes, it starts off a fundamentally normal way, then gets S&T, then gets dramatic. But, it won't loose its funniness, that's for sure!! People who know everything of what'll happen, don't spoil it in the reviews, because some people are quite touchy about that. S'all for now!! Look out for chapter two!! See ya'!!! ^_^

Oh, by the way, did any of you think of the "Moulin Rouge" when reading that whole 'poetry' bit in this fic.? I sure did. Well, bye for real now!!!! -^_^-