AUTHOR: niephyte
EMAIL: essifreak@hotmail.com
PAIRING: S/B, S/Dr
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, ask. ^^
DISCLAIMER: Spike, Buffy, Drusilla 'n' all related to them aren't mine. Sadly. I just bring 'em out to play occasionally.
FEEDBACK: Please! I'll give you cookies if you do..
SUMMARY: Spike's thoughts, from the end of "Beneath You".
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i dreamed of killing you. . .
i wanted to give you what you deserved. . .
and now all it does is burn.
if he looks at her, he knows that he will still see the reflection of falsified belief in her eyes, and he wonders if telling herself lies time and time again is basis enough for the lies to turn into truth, for her.
(( of course it can. everything can, for her. everything does, for her. everything he does, for her. ))
and surely even she must know that no one has ever gone to the end of the earth, the end of their mind and new-gained soul, and back - just in hopes of seeing the real truth flicker, just flicker, in those bottle-green eyes. gone back to william, poetry, gallant love and be-all-end-all deeds for the lady, the two queens who had done worse to his heart than any stake could have - drusilla for the moon, and buffy for the sun, and all the others in his head screaming demands for his eternal damnation. but that's already been guaranteed, hasn't it? these voices in his brain, minds inside minds driving him to the madness of his dark princess, dark like her fathomless black eyes and the serpent-sharp sting of her ire. voices, voices inside and outside his head as his slayer whispers, words that should at least spark the hope in him that her eyes would reflect the love that she should know he can feel.
but it's too late - the green has been crystallized and shattered, and he knows all he'll see is the travesty of belief's falsehood in emerald seepage.
so he turns away, closing his eyes again to the reality - harsh, bright reality; brighter and more painful than the sun and the soul and the cross burning into his flesh, turning truth into meaningless ash - the reality of only her pity. only the lie.
ask me again why i could never love you.
never love.
