All characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional all celebrity voices are impersonated poorly. this story contains coarse language and due to it's content should not be read by anyone.

[B&W title card.]

Rockhead1989 productions presents a South Park fan fiction story.]

QUEEN HEFFER!

Starring Eric FAY Cartman as the fatass in distress.

Kyle Broflovski as the intrepid jew.

Stan Marsh as the drunk captain.

Wendy Testaburger as the hotshot film producer.

Butters, Tweek, Ze Mole, Clyde, Token, Kevin, Jimmy, Timmy, and Dogpoo as the crew.

Kenny Mccormick as the guy that gets eaten by Heffer.

Also Starring the South Park Elementary school Girls list committee as the Sunshine sparkle tribe.

And Starring QUEEN HEFFER as Herself.

Krista "Heffer" Scott is the property of Askheffer .

Our Story begins in a black and white 1930s version of South Park Elementary where Wendy Testaburger is giving a presentation to Mr Merrill.

Mr Merrill: [Bored] "Alright Wendy what have you got for me this week?"

Wendy: "Well Mr Merrill I was at the bookstore yesterday afternoon doing some research on flora and fauna when I came across this. [She takes out a old book and places it on Mr Merrill's desk.] This is the diary of one Jerome McElroy a cook on a merchant ship the SS Gloryhole Adventurer. In it he tells of an island in the South pacific Mocha Island where there are beasts beyond man's most terrifying nightmares.

Mr Merrill: [Yawns.] And what exactly do you want of me?

Wendy: "I've already had a ship and a captain in mind all I need is a little money for expenses and I'm sure we could produce a ground breaking educational documentary on the plant and animal life on the island.

Mr Merrill: "Wendy how can say this without sounding too insensitive? That was the gayest thing I've heard all week."

Wendy: "What's wrong with it Mr Merrill?"

Mr Merrill: "Kids these days don't want educational films they want adventure, action, romance titties! not gay little films about flowers. Take Craig for example. [He pulls down a screen and takes a film can out of a closet and puts it into a projector.] His new film Freaks of nature up close with a wide angle lens is selling like hotcakes.

Craig: "Freaks closeup with a wide angle lens."

[Carnival music plays as a montage of people with various deformities and diseases plays onscreen Human torsos, Pinheads, Nurse Gollum, The Thompsons, you get the idea.]

Wendy: "That's horrible Craig's just exploiting people who have serious medical conditions for entertainment."

Mr Merrill: [Shuts off the projector.] "but it's what the kids want Wendy. If you were to bring me an adventure film maybe I might be persuaded otherwise."

Wendy: [Sighs] "Mr Merrill, I will bring you that adventure film."

[Cuts to the docks Where Stan and Kyle are preparing their boat for the expedition. Wendy walks up to them camera in hand.]

Wendy: "Is everything all set and ready to go?"

Stan: "We've finished loading the cargo and rations and the crew is ready to set sail, Have you got everything you need?"

Wendy: "As soon as our leading man Gregory arrives we'll be ready."

[Clyde walks up to Wendy.]

Clyde: "He's not coming."

Wendy: "What?"

Clyde: "Gregory couldn't make it, his mom says he's got polio."

[Stan laughs his ass off.}

Kyle: "Dude that's not cool this is the thirties polio isn't funny yet."

Stan: "Yeah but still." [He wipes a tear from his eye.]

Clyde: "Dude just don't laugh it's not cool."

Jimmy: "Y-yeah I'm talking from p-p-personal experience p-p-polio is not f-funny."

Stan: [Looks at Jimmy with guilt.] "Oh Oh oh that's right I forgot you and Timmy have polio. Ooh my bad guys my bad."

Wendy: "Look that's not important right now Ooo ooo my bad I didn't mean it to come out like that."

Kyle: "Yeah we're done with that joke now."

Jimmy: "I think I better go down below deck."

Stan: "Yeah probably a good idea."

[Jimmy walks off stage right.]

Wendy: "Okay are we done with that? Good now back the problem at hand I need an actor to play the part of the intrepid hero."

Stan: "I-I can't my doctor says my asthma could get worse from doing that sort of stuff."

Tweek: "It's way too much pressure."

Token: "It's the thirties the black guy always dies first."

Clyde: "I get camera shy"

Kyle: "I'm diabetic."

Wendy: "Isn't there anyone who can do it?"

[Cartman walks up to the docks singing a jaunty tune.]

Cartman: "I love to singa about the moona and the joona and the springa I to singa about a sky of blue or tea for too. Hey guys is this the job offering for a leading man I heard about?"

Stan: "Cartman?

Cartman: "Who were you expecting Kate Smith? Just kidding Kate." [He femininely gestures to the camera and blows a kiss.]

Kenny: ("When I saw you coming up the ramp at first yes.)

[Everyone laughs at him.]

Cartman: [Crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.] "Ha ha I haven't heard that one a million times before. So is the all you can eat buffet inclusive or does it cost extra?"

Wendy: "Cartman this is a roll for a husky leading man."

Cartman: "Are you saying I'm not husky ho?"

Stan: "He's got a point."

Clyde: "Yeah and where else are we gonna get a leading man replacement this soon?"

Wendy: "But look at him he's so fat!"

Cartman: "Ay I'm a man and your a woman and this being the 1930s you don't have a say in the matter."

Wendy: "Shut your sexist fat mouth women are powerful in the 1930s."

Cartman: "Since when?"

Wendy: "Since Amelia Earhart asshole!"

Cartman: "Pffth Yeah we all know how that turned out. rrrrrrrraaaaaaaowwwwww pow! [He makes a plane crash gesture.]

Wendy: [clenches her fists and grinds her teeth in frustration and then takes a deep breath and calmly replies.] "You know what? "Have fun being ape bait Cartman you got the job." [She walks off humming a tune to herself even doing a skip.]

[The Boys look at Wendy like WTF]

[Cuts to the ship sailing through the ocean.]

[Clyde, Token, Tweek, Scott Malkinson, and Kyle are standing on the deck talking about the island.]

Scott: "Ssso any of you guysss know anything about thisss island were going to?"

Kyle: "Stan and I talked it over with Wendy and she said learned about it from O'l Chef's diary."

Clyde: "Chef? Our old ships cook chef? That chef?"

Kyle: "Yeah He wrote in his diary that Mocha island was the most fudged up flippidy floppidy flooped up place he'd ever been to."

Token: "O'l Chef sure had a way with words what exactly did he say was on the island?"

Kyle: "Something about a tribe of amazons that worshipped some strange deity they called Heffer. Story goes that they were so afraid of them that they walled their village out and kept her appeased with ritualistic sacrifice."

Tweek: "SACRIFICE? OH SWEET JESUS! WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO SACRIFICE ONE OF US?"

Kyle: "Calm down Tweek It's probably just a story."

Scott: "Ssso how does the rest of the story go?"

Kyle: "Well according to Chef's diary the females would select one of the men in the village adorn him with fine robes, honor him with a great feast until he was nice and plump and treat him like a king and then sacrifice him to their Goddess."

[Cuts to Cartman in his room. He stands in front of a mirror with his shirt off giving us a good view of his belly and man boobs.]

Cartman: "Look at you Mr Stud muffin yeah that's right ladies I'm a movie star. Yeah that's right I could get you an audition."

[Butters comes into the room and screams upon seeing Cartman without his shirt on. Cartman sees him and screams back.]

Cartman: [Covers his chest.] "Butters What did I tell you about knocking before coming into my cabin?"

Butters: "I-I'm sorry Eric I just wanted to know if maybe you wanted to rehearse your lines or something since it's been a few weeks and we haven't rehearsed at all for the film?"

Cartman: "Butters I told you last week I'd rehearse when we got there."

Butters: "Yeah but's just that we're gonna be at the island tomorrow and you still don't know any of your lines."

Cartman: "Agh fine I'll be right out in a minute now just give me some privacy already!" [He pushes Butters out the door and shuts it.] "I swear Butters and Seamen don't mix heh heh heh he heh ha haha ha ha hah hah. [He grabs his sides and falls down laughing at his joke.]

[Outside Butters listens to him laughing.]

Butters: "Huh? Guess it's supposed to be a really funny scene."

[Up on the bridge Stan and Wendy discuss the expedition.]

Wendy: "So I've been looking at Chef's old maps and I think I've found the spots where I want to film. I was thinking we could come ashore here near the village I want to get some shots of the natives and learn something about their customs. Then I think we could trek up Mocha Mountain here get some footage of the flora and Fauna."

Stan: "Alright we'll need about a company of 30 men plus filming equipment, plus guns for protection. [He takes a last swig of Jamison and throws the bottle on the ground.] Oh and another case of Jamison. Burp."

Wendy: "This isn't gonna be a big game hunt Stan we're just going there to film the natives and the wildlife and then head back."

Stan: "What about this Goddess Chef talks about Heffer?"

Wendy: "Probably nothing but superstition."

Stan: "I'm not sending my men ashore on an uncharted island without protection. Chef went there with a crew several years ago and when he came back he was the only one left, And he wanted to have sex with all of us. "

Wendy: "Stan It'll be fine I assure you nothing will go wrong."

Stan: "If you say so."

[Cuts to the next morning as Mocha Island comes into view. The island's main feature is the large mountain in the center and a small village sealed off from the rest of the island by a wall.]

Jason: "Land Ho Mocha Island in Sight."

[The boats whistle sounds as the crew comes up on deck.]

Wendy: "Wow it's incredible."

Stan: "Prepare the long boats we're going ashore!"

[The kids load up the long boats and head ashore.]

Butters: "Wow this is exciting huh Eric!"

[Cartman is dressed in an explorers outfit and sipping a drink.]

Cartman: "Yeah it's alright I guess the sooner we get done shooting the sooner I can get back to being a real star."

Wendy: "Being a star isn't all girls and glamour Cartman I expect to get my money's' worth out of you."

Cartman: "Yeah yeah Ho I'll deliver a performance as long as you deliver my paycheck."

[The long boats come ashore and the crew unpacks and wades ashore on the beach while off in a nearby village a group of amazon girls preform a ritualistic dance while a very fat boy dressed in fine robes and a crown is brought up to a sacrificial altar in front of a massive gate and tied to it.]

Girls: [Chanting in unison.] Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle.]

[The explorers move up slowly close to the village to get a better look.]

Stan: "What are they doing?"

Kyle: "It's some kind of bizarre ritual."

Wendy: [Takes out the camera and begins rolling.]

Girls: [Chanting.] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle." [Accompanied by drums and dance.]

Butters: "What are they gonna do to that boy?"

Clyde: "I think he's going to be sacrificed."

Tweek: "ARGH I DON'T WANT TO BE SACRIFICED THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" [His voice echoes through the jungle.]

[The girls stop dancing and turn towards them. The high priestess played by Bebe in an elaborate feather headdress and ceremonial bikini points to them.]

Amazon Bebe: "Intruders get them now!"

[The Girls pull out spears and shields and charge at the explorers.]

Stan: "Oh shit prepare to fire."

[The Boy's draw their guns and prepare to fire when suddenly the girls stop lower the weapons and bow down right at Cartman's feet.]

Kyle: "Wait hold your fire hold your fire they're giving up!"

Cartman: "I'll handle this ahem We noble white men we come to civilize you we take your land and sell you into slavery!"

Amazon Bebe: [Walks over to them. She towers over them their heads only coming up to her waist.] "You outsiders have spoiled our ritual by seeing it. Now our Goddess shall be angry."

Kyle: "How are you speaking English?"

Amazon Bebe: "We use Rosetta stone."

Stan: "So much for being isolated."

Amazon Bebe: "Normally our laws dictate we kill the females and take the males for Snu snu but we shall make you a deal."

Wendy: "A deal?"

Amazon Bebe: "We want the fat one in your group. We'll trade six of our finest men for him."

Cartman: "Well I'm flattered really I am but unlike you savage ho's we are a civilized people and we don't believe in..."

Wendy: "Deal."

Stan: "Deal."

Kyle: "Deal."

Kenny: "(Deal)"

Clyde: "Deal."

Kevin: "Deal."

Token: "Deal

Tweek: [Pulls his hair.] "Argh Deal!"

Scott: "Deal"

Jimmy: "D-D-D-Deal!"

Timmy: "TIMMY!"

Cartman: "Aw screw you guys!"

Wendy: "Since we've already seen it is it alright if we film the ritual."

[The Amazons look at each other and Bebe shrugs.]

Amazon Red: "I don't don't see problem with it."

Amazon Annie: "Yeah it's just like Britney Spears if you think about it."

[The ritual begins as Cartman is lead to a table and sat down before a great feast."]

Bebe: "First we serve a great feast to make sure the offering is nice and plump."

Cartman: "If you think I'm gonna let you fatten me up just so can kill me you've got another thing... [Amazon Lola puts a giant bucket of fried chicken with biscuits gravy and macaroni and cheese.] "Ooh Colonel! [He begins peeling off the skins and dipping them in gravy before eating them.}

[Cuts to later when Cartman has finished his meal. His stomach bulges out of his shirt and his plates are loaded with bones.]

Cartman: "Ugh so full."

[Amazon Heidi and Amazon Nicole pick him up by the arms and carry him up to the altar. They strip the other boy they were going to sacrifice and strip off Cartman's clothes before dressing him in a red speedo and putting the robes and crown on him.]

Cartman: "You Guys seriously get me down from here I don't want to be a star anymore."

Amazon Bebe: "Alright let's take this from the top people...and begin!"

[Amazon Jenny rings a gong and Amazon Lola and Amazon Milly begin a drumbeat.]

Girls: [Slowly] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle."]

Cartman: "Okay Wendy I think that's enough footage for today."

Girls: [Faster] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle."

Cartman: "You guys seriously I am seriously getting pissed off right here!"

[The crew continues to film the ceremony.]

Kyle: "Should we be sitting back and letting them do this guys?"

Clyde: "I'm not too fond of dying plus Cartman's been kind of a douche on this voyage."

Tweek: "Y-yeah it's either him or us man."

Kyle: "What do you think Kenny?"

[Kenny is cozying up to Amazon Tammy Warner who's holding him close to her chest.]

Kenny: ["Whoo Hoo.]

Cartman: "You guys I'm serious get me down from here!"

[The ritual reaches a crescendo.]

Girls: "Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer!"

Cartman: "Heffer?"

Stan: "What are they talking about?"

Kyle: "Heffer is the name of the Goddess of this island the one they're sacrificing him too."

Girls: "Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer."

[A great rumble shakes the village and stops the chant as the Amazons flee the ceremony. The jungle canopy rustles and shakes with thunderous footfalls as something massive moves through it. The footfalls get louder and deeper as they move closer to the gate. The amazons open the latch on the front and flee as the footsteps get closer.]

Cartman: [Sweats and soils himself.] "You guys I'm serious I'm sorry I was dick to you all on the ride over here I alright I'm sorry I...[Cartman is cut off by the most terrifying roar man or boy as ever heard. The great opens and the shadow of a great beast towers over Cartman: "OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS THAT THING?" [Cartman gives in to outright screaming, bawling and pants wetting.]

Amazon Bebe: "Wow usually our sacrifices show much more dignity."

[The crew looks on in horror as the true form of Heffer is revealed.]

Wendy: "Butters are you getting this?"

Butters: "I'm getting it but I don't believe it!"

[Cartman finally faints from fear and exhaustion as a titanic Mocha skinned freckled hand reaches for him and plucks off the altar before lumbering back into the jungle.]

To Be Continued.