I had gotten Wyatt into his pajamas and picked him up and carried him to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. This was our bonding time. Peyton would be in the front room on the computer studying; she was taking college classes online. I sat down with him in my lap and held him the best I could the way you would hold a newborn.
As you go through life you'll see
There is so much that we
don't understand
And the only thing we know
Is things don't always go
The way we planned
But you'll see everyday
That we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams come undone.
We will stand by your side
Filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more than we are
We are one.
Even those who are gone
Are with us as we go on
Your journey has only begun
Tears of pain, tears of joy
One thing nothing can destroy
Is our pride deep inside
We are one
We are one you and I
We are like the earth and sky
One family under the sun
All the wisdom to lead
All the courage that you need
You will find when you see
We are one
This was the lullaby I have sung to Wyatt every night since I was 4 months pregnant. It was in The Lion King 2. I know, not original, but I like the message, and Lucas loved the Lion King trilogy. After we had gotten past the initial shock that I was indeed pregnant, he went out and bought the trilogy, saying that the original had been his favorite, and that his child would too. In fact, Peyton is going to paint a mural of the Lion King on a wall Wyatt's bedroom.
As I sang this Wyatt would slowly fall asleep. Every once in a while he would still be awake and would ask me to sing it to him again. I would talk to him about all different sorts of things. Well, the best he could. He is only 1. But after a while of talking, I would sing it to him again and he would fall asleep. I would then put him in his crib and go out into the living room or go to bed myself.
After I put Wyatt to bed, I went into Jenny's room and read her Sleeping Beauty and told her good night. I have to say, Jenny really has grown on me. Especially all the times I had to watch her when Peyton needed to take her course online or when Jake had to work. After that, I went into the garage and got on the treadmill and listened to my ipod.
I have called you children
I have called you son
What is there to answer
If I'm the only one
Morning comes in paradise
Morning comes in light
Still I must obey
Still I must invite
If there's anything left to say
If there's anything to do
If there's any other way
I'll do anything for you
The song. The one we played at the ceremony. I hate how he can do this to me. I start to get tears in my eyes and then I scold myself. I know I shouldn't think that way about him. It's not his fault it was played at the ceremony and that I love the song but every time I hear it, it reminds me of him and I start to cry. It's not his fault and I shouldn't think of Lucas that way.
Lucas was a basketball player. A great basketball player. Was gonna be the best, until. He has stopped taking his HCM medication. It was one of the biggest games of the season. I really didn't want him to play, but insisted he would be fine, swore to me that he was taking his medication. During the third quarter he went down. Nathan had just passed him the ball and was about to make the shot when he collapsed. Nathan was the first to get to him. I came up next along with Haley as Whitey and Karen made their way over. I remember him holding on to his chest, and the look on his face. I had never seen him so scared. I just told him I loved him and to stay here, that I couldn't loose him over and over. The last thing he said was "I love you, Pretty girl. You and our baby." He had said it so quietly nobody had heard him. But I did.
Then, like that, he was gone. What makes me feel worse is, he was playing for me. There was a scout who could have signed him that night and take him to the NBA and then we would have enough money for us to live on our own and raise Wyatt properly. He would also have made enough money to finally get Karen, the house she deserves.
Karen couldn't go through having a funeral. Too depressing and too hard. So, we decided to have a ceremony at the river court, where Lucas had realized he loved the game. Everyone was there. Everyone from the team and Skillz, Fergie, and Junk. So many people, people I would have never expected to see there. Like Dan. I don't think anyone had seen him, but I did. What shocked me even more was the fact that he looked sad. Not the smug look on his face, or the evil smirk he always wore. He looked truly and genuinely sad. I thought I had actually seen a tear fall from his eyes, but I couldn't swear to it. Everybody had been putting things down under the hoop. Flowers, or something that had been special to them and Lucas. It was so hard for Karen to handle. I just stood next to her, my arm around her, as she cried uncontrollably.
People made speeches, about how great Lucas was. Nathan, Haley, Whitey, just to name a few. Even Tim, made a speech. Then, everybody started to go home. At midnight, all that was left were Karen, Peyton, Nathan, Haley, and I, just standing there in silence. The river court had always been beautiful at night. The lights across the river always twinkling, the water always rushing, making soothing sounds. But not that night. That night it was quiet and the lights were gone.
I told my parents a day after the ceremony that I was pregnant. They said I had to get a abortion or get out. I said I couldn't I do that to my baby so they said get out. I later went over to Karen's and said that I was leaving town because my parents kicked me out. She offered to let me stay there but I had to turn her down though. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was pregnant. Lucas and I were gonna tell her when we went back to his house the day he died.
I was dressed inbarresment,
I was dressed in wine,
If you had a part of me
will you take your time?
Even if I come back
even if I die
Is there some idea
to replace my life
Like a father to impress
like a mothers morning dress
If I ever make a mess
I'll do anything for you.
I have called you a preacher
I have called you son
If you have a father
or if you haven't one
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I've turned off the treadmill and I'm balling now. I hate that he isn't here to make everything better. I hate that he isn't here for me or for Wyatt or for Karen or anyone that loved him. And what I really hate is how he can no longer do what he loves. Just play ball. And I hate that I feel this way and I hate how I feel this is my fault and I hate how he is making me cry when he promised he never would.
"Damn it Lucas!" I fall to the floor crying and shaking. Peyton comes up and pulls me into a hug.
"Shh... It'll get better Brooke."Peyton whispers to me.
"He swore to me he was taking his medication Peyton. He swore he would never leave me!" It's getting hard to breathe now. I'm crying so hard that I honestly think I could stop breathing.
"I know, I know" Peyton says as she rocks me back and forth.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Ges away in the end
This is normal now. Me, crying at night and Peyton comforting me. I never cry infront of Wyatt though, no matter how much I want to. Everytime I look at him I see Lucas. From his blonde hair to the little half smile that he get's when he knows I'm home from work. I want to cry but I can't. I have to be strong for Wyatt.
I tell Peyton that I'm okay now, and we get up off the floor. I thank her, just like always and tell her I'm going to shower and go to bed.
I turn the shower on hot. The hottest it can go. As I step in it stings, but I hope that the stinging will take the pain focused on Lucas away. I know it wont, but it's nice to pretend for a while that it will. I sit down in the tub and let the hot water fall over me like rain and turn me red. I start to cry again, knowing now that Peyton wont come in and comfort me. That I can just cry. Don't get me wrong, having Peyton there is nice, but I have to cry alone sometimes. I can't have her telling me all the time that it will be okay because I know it wont be. Life isn't going to get better, and that emptiness in me will stay there forever.
I grab my razor and slide it across my thigh, not in a shaving motion, but in a hurtful motion. I do it quickly and then drop the razor. Blood appears, and slowly blends in with my red skin.
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
I try to consentrate on the pain in my thigh, but it slowly fades. My body becoming numb to it. And then I start to remember Lucas. The pain that he still brings to me.
The needle tears a hole
The old farmiliar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
I shut my eyes hoping to make it go away. Make him go away. Make this numbness in me go away. But all I see is him. His smile. His voice. His smirk. The way his brow wrinkled when I brought up some crazy thing to do. How happy he looked when he saw the ultrasound for the first time. And finally the scared look on his face before he died.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I have to get out now. I wash away the blood and stand up and turn off the water. I wrap myself in my towel and get out. I go and sit infront of my mirror and study myself. My body is red, but slowly fading. My hair wet and limp, still dripping. I look nothing like I used to. Not Lucas's "Pretty Girl" or his "Cheery". I look sad, and lonely. And that makes me feel better a little bit. Like I was never that person. Like Lucas never called me those things and that there was no need to be numb. And then I hear Wyatt whine on the monitor. I look down at my vanity. Scissors. I've thought abotu it many times. Everything would go away. The pain. The numbness. The empyness that I feel.. All the memories. That look on his face before he died.
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I walk into Wyatt's room and go over to him. He looks up at me and I can't believe that I thought about leaving him. I could never leave him. I pick him up and carry him into my room and lay him on the bed. I change quickly into my pajamas and lay down next to him. I look him straight in the eye and he begins to laugh. He grabs my hair and starts playing with it and I realize I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. When he finally does fall asleep, I go and put him back into his crib. I go back into the living room and discover it's only 9:30. Peyton is sitting on the couch, a sleeping Jake next to her.
"Are you okay?" She asks, really meaning it.
I nod my head 'yes' knowing it's a lie. I'm not okay, far from it.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
I sit on the chair next to the couch, trying to watch the tv. But all I can think about is my first date with Lucas. How I told him that I called squirells squirllers up until the 4th grade and how I later talked him into getting a tatoo.
"Brooke, can you-?" Peyton asks. I look over to her and tell her of course I can watch Jenny tommarow. She smiles and re-foucuses on the tv.
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
I look at Peyton and realize how much she's changed from the tourtured artist cheerleader she was in high school. For one thing, she was happy. She had her Jake and she had her Jenny. She was taking college courses that she loved and had gotten some of her pictures put up oin a small art gallery downtown.
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
I go to sleep only to wake up. Morning comes too soon. Then again, my mornings start at 6 now. I put on a smile and walk into Wyatt's room where he is trying to climb out of his crib. I go into the living room where Jenny is watching cartoons and Peyton is grabbing her coat. She kisses Jenny on the head and waves bye to me and Wyatt as she leaves.
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I go over and pour cereal for Jenny, Wyatt and I, filling only mine and Jenny's with milk. Instead, I fill Wyatt's bottle with milk and hand it to him. I set him down and he goes over and watches tv with Jenny.
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
As I watch Wyatt eat I remeber a night I haven't thought about since before Lucas died. The night he forgave me.
I strung him around for so long with the 'non-exclusive' crap. Then he saw me with Chris Keller and it went to hell. Yet, he forgave me. He was able to put it all behind us, and say I forgive you, and I love you. I remember the night, that he stood in the rain and listed the reasons he loved me. And how that night we went back to my apartment and made love, not just sex. At that moment it was so much more. I realize now, that is probably the night we concived Wyatt. I remember the time we spent at the cabin, just the 2 of us, in front of the fire, or in the big chair, or on the porch.
I find myself smiling my real dimple smile now. I haven't smiled this smile in a long time. Peyton rushes back in and looks at me. She smiles, knowing what I'm remembering.
"I think it's going to be a better day today." I say to her as she grabs her keys.
"I think so too." She says before she before she leaves.
I don't feel quite as numb now. I feel better, not like I was, but better than what I've been. Before I know it, it's night again and time to put Wyatt to bed.
If I could start again
And after I sing to him, I tell him a story tonight
A million miles away
I tell him about the night that his Daddy forgave his Mommy
I would keep myself
How Daddy could say anything, and Mommy would know it would all be okay in the end.
I would find a way
