To Look Upon a Goddess
"The beginnings and ends of shadow lie between the light and darkness and may be infinitely diminished and infinitely increased. Shadow is the means by which bodies display their form. The forms of bodies could not be understood in detail but for shadow." - Leonardo da Vinci
Fire. Everything burned. She gasped, sucking in putrid air, reeking of death and decay. Coughing, her lungs spewed blood, choking her. Shepard tried to roll to her side, desperate to clear her airways, but the slightest movement sent fresh jolts of agony coursing through her body, consuming her brain in flames. Her screams echoed back to her in the stillness. Alone. Surrounded by death and dying. She was dying. Alone. Again.
The Citadel shook around her, and she saw as much as felt the electricity arcing over her skin where exposed implants short circuited inside of her. Shepard cried out again, coughing up more blood, hot and sticky to catch in her throat and sinuses. The Intelligence told her choosing the path of destruction might very well destroy her, too, but it never said it'd leave her alive just long enough to feel her organs shutting down while she drowned in her own blood.
Something moved in her peripherals, and she turned her head fighting back the wave of nausea sweeping over her. Vision blurred and jittery, she squinted trying to focus her eyes but saw nothing beyond the eerie red light flooding the Citadel and the mountains of bodies all around her; not even a keeper moved in the distance.
Shepard opened her mouth, trying to speak, to cry out for help, but only a gurgling croak left her lips. The Citadel shook again, creaking and groaning as if the whole thing might collapse around her. Her back arched, hot tears biting at her eyes. How long? How long would she have to suffer through this, Cerberus' implants still struggling to stabilize her even as they fizzled out? How long would she have to lay there, unable to draw a full breath, her ribs stabbing into her lungs, ripping through her muscles with every slight movement? How long until she could just die and be at peace?
Movement again, but she refused to look, certain there was nothing to see. There couldn't be. She was hallucinating, that was all; the agony so severe her mind played tricks on her. But then, there it was again and she had to look. She grit her teeth and turned her head, sucking in a desperate gasp of air when she saw the silhouette of someone standing, bathed in brilliant, bright, white light. Hope took root in the despair, blossoming into a sickly flower soaked in viscera when the figure started to move closer.
"He—" Her plea cut short, blood spewing from her mouth, wracking her body with a coughing fit.
The figure moved, taking slow, measured steps, the Citadel rumbling with every imposing stride. She couldn't make them out, they were too far away and the light surrounding them far too bright. Squinting, she tried to focus, tried to make out some identifying feature or at least determine the source of their light. Tall and lean, definitely bipedal, but nothing more stood out. Utter desolation swept over her when the figure blinked out of existence, crushing her pathetic flower beneath their heel, leaving her alone in the pervading red glow of the Citadel.
Tears spilled from her eyes, the salt stinging fresh wounds added to the insult of being abandoned by her hallucination. Fear skittered along her spine, stalling her heart when the figure reappeared several meters closer than a moment before, shaking the Citadel in their wake. Shepard flailed helplessly, spurred on by agony and terror to move, to flee, to fight, to do something. Anything. A breeze moved through the citadel, cool and calming, smelling of the sea and washing Shepard's pain away.
She stopped fighting, stopped struggling to get up and turned her gaze back to the figure in time to see them disappear once more. The figure returned standing right over Shepard, the Citadel trembling all around them. The light too strong, forced Shepard to turn her head and squeeze her eyes closed, but still the light burned her eyes; reminding her insanely of her times as a child back on Earth, trying to see the sun through its corona. The tremors began to subside, the light dimming behind her closed lids.
Something cold and wet dripped on her hand, and Shepard cracked her eyes opened. Ratted tendrils of gossamer floated in the breeze, dripping water to the floor next to hunter-green, scaled, bare feet. Opening her eyes the rest of the way, Shepard stared in awe as another drop of water fell, hitting the floor before splashing against her face. Trailing her gaze upward, she found the sheer fabric left exposed feminine curves and omber markings, black fading to gray along scaled thighs and hips, stripes swooping around ribs before dipping down over a sleek stomach.
The drell moved, lowering herself to her knees, bringing her face down to Shepard's view. She gasped, meeting the inscrutable depths of black eyes, and turned her face away, knowing beyond doubt she'd just looked into the eyes of the divine.
"Kalahira," Shepard whispered, her voice thin and wispy. Filled with utter awe and shame at her own lack of worthiness, she barely noticed how the fresh ocean air filled her lungs completely and painlessly.
A cool hand brushed over her hair, leaving a trail of saltwater to soak into her skin. "Warrior, you must make a decision." Fused fingers dipped under Shepard's chin, hooking around her jaw and easing her head around to meet Kalahira's gaze. "Will you allow me to carry you across the sea, or will you wait for the embrace of your own God?"
Shepard swallowed, desperately wanting to tear her gaze from the goddess', but finding herself unable to disobey the silent command. "Thane?"
"He waits for you, child, across the sea. Know this, to be with him means leaving all others that you have loved; you will not find them where I will take you." Kalahira studied Shepard, her scrutiny reaching into the depths of Shepard's soul. "Your decision will be final. If you come with me, you will stay, always. If I leave you now, I will never return for you."
Shepard thought about all of the people she'd hoped to see again when her time finally came. She tried desperately to remember the faces of her parents, knowing she'd spent countless nights dreaming of being with them again, but try as she might they were nothing but blurry, nondescript faces in a distant memory. Ashley Williams, a loyal soldier who sacrificed herself, dying a hero, swept up in Shepard's hunt for Saren—surely she would be in Heaven. Toombs, poor, lost Toombs and all the others robbed of life by Cerberus back on Akuze. She would always blame Cerberus for Toombs' death, it didn't matter that he pulled the trigger himself. God would've forgiven him, wouldn't He? And Anderson, sweet Jesus, Anderson. Fresh tears welled up, rolling down her temples and pooling up in the corners of her eyes.
Then, she thought of Thane, the man she'd given herself to utterly and completely, and she knew there was no decision to make; no other option she could possibly choose. "Take me with you."
Arms, far stronger than Shepard imagined, slid under her, lifting her into the air as if she weighed nothing more than a newborn. The Citadel disappeared around them, and she found herself cradled in the arms of the drell goddess of oceans and afterlife, standing on the most pristine beach she'd ever dreamed of seeing. Pure white sand surrounded them as far as the eye could see to the left and the right, giving way to fields of grass waving in a soft breeze behind them. Before them, the bluest water spread out into eternity.
Kalahira stepped out onto the water, and Shepard glanced down, unsurprised to see the goddess' feet didn't sink into the gentle waves but stood upon them. Looking back up, she expected to see the face of divinity, but instead she saw her mother's face. She looked so young and tired, with sunken cheeks and dark circles under her eyes, but she smiled down at Shepard as if her baby girl hung the stars in the sky.
Shepard's lips parted, an old, familiar longing washing over her. "Mama?"
Her mother stroked Shepard's cheek, tears welling up in her baby blue eyes. "She's perfect." Her voice raw and tremulous, she brushed a hand over Shepard's head. "Do you want to hold her?"
"More than anything," a man's voice said from somewhere behind Shepard.
She recognized that gleeful sound as her father, and tried to turn her head to find him but couldn't. Her mother held her out from the warmth of her body, leaving Shepard filled with fear and confusion. She began to sob; the sound of an infant's wailing echoing in her ears. Then her father came into view, captivating her with his deep brown eyes and mahogany whiskers.
Big, warm hands lifted her from her mother's arms and pulled her in close to him. "Hello, beautiful."
Her heart leapt with joy only to plummet into the pit of her stomach when her father disappeared, leaving her staring up at Kalahira. Squirming, she tried to free herself from the goddess' impossibly strong arms. "I don't like this. Put me down, I can walk."
Kalahira met her gaze, a soft smile tugging up her lips. "You cannot. You must let go of your mortal ties. This is the way."
