Sam sat in his room, hating himself.

It was nights like these, with Dean shut behind closed doors and Cas M.I.A. that Sam Winchester remembered all of it.

Jess, the demon blood, Ruby, Madison, John, Cas, Kevin, countless people that he couldn't save and Dean. Sam didn't deserve Dean's love, he didn't deserve Cas's loyalty and he didn't deserve the life he led. The only thing keeping him grounded was his brother and they wouldn't even look each other in the eye. Sam put his head in his hands.

Dean signed. He didn't know who he had become, what part of him must have died to make him feel so crappy. Every kill he made began to hurt him. The innocents he couldn't save nagged him in the dark. And Sam...Sam wouldn't even look at him. He hated himself. Like always.

So Dean did what he always did: he went looking for Sam. Because no matter what crap they went through, it was better to go through it together. Even if Sam didn't want to be brothers anymore.

"Sammy!" Dean said, pounding on his younger brother's door. It swung open, not shut tightly like usual. Dean's mouth fell open at the sight on the bed. Sam lay shirtless, a pillow clutched at his chest. His head was lolled back against the wall, and tears streamed down his flushed face. He looked vulnerable and morose, and it broke Dean's heart.

"Sammy?" Dean said, quieter this time. The younger brother looked up, sad eyes brimming with unshed tears. His chest shuddered.

"I'm sorry Dean. I'm not...I'm not strong enough and I screwed up," Sam blubbered. Dean sat on the edge of the bed, chest panging with the need to take his brother's pain away. "I screwed up so many times, Dean. And you're mad at me and I'm mad at you and I miss Kevin and I keep. Screwing. Up!" Sam yelled, throwing the pillow across the room.

Dean marveled at his brother's sudden burst of emotion. His entire being screamed for him to help his brother, whatever it took. But Dean felt like shit too. And he just needed Sammy. The older Winchester climbed up the bed and sat next to Sam, looking at a straight-ahead patch of wall.

"Sam, if anyone is a screw up, it's me okay? I...I screwed up with you and I...I'm not okay. I need you Sammy, but you don't wanna be my brother anymore. So now I don't know what to do." One tear fell down his cheek and he looked at the other man.

"I don't want to be brothers Dean. But not because I don't love you," Sam spoke slowly, each word sounding strangled from his raw throat. He sniffed. "I do love you. What if we...we could be...more than brothers."

Dean looked incredulously at Sam. His voice reminded Dean remarkably of Sam as a little kid, his little baby brother. But the things he was saying...

"Sam. You...you drunk or something?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"No! Dean I'm sad and I'm broken and I'm tired. You are too. And I need you to see that we have to be more than family to even begin to fix each other."

Dean heaved a tired breath. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms in exasperation brought forth from the idea of what he was about to do, and kissed Sam. He could feel the tears on his brother's cheeks and the heat that had rushed to his face. Dean shivered at the wrongness of it, the feeling of incorrect that persisted. But Sam relaxed into the kiss, the tension in his shoulders melting away. Dean felt his worries lift off him too, focusing only on the passion that existed between his baby brother and him. He broke the kiss.

"Sam. I need you to know that you're not a screw up. You've made mistakes, but that is nothing compared to what I've done." Dean whispered into his brother's lips. Their foreheads rested together, breaths mingling.

"Dean...you've been the best damn hunter there is. You've only done what's right and I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being stupid." Sam said, kissing Dean again.

"You're not stupid Sammy. You went to Stanford man! You're a freaking genius." Dean brought his hand up and smudged Sam's tears away before kissing him again, hungrily this time.

"What about you Dean? You're a freaking killing machine. I need you." Sam said, lunging on top of his brother. He didn't mean that he needed Dean in a sexual way. He needed him as a brother, as a friend, as support. The feeling was mutual.

"I need you too Sammy. And look at you, all muscular and grown up." Dean smiled up at his brother, who grinned in return and began to pull the older Winchester's shirt off.

The whispered compliments grew shorter and shorter, losing most substance. The lust began to take over and with each kiss the spoken words became dirtier and dirtier.

"You have such pretty lips Dean," Sam said, before kissing them harshly. He bit Dean's mouth, bruising his lips and sucking them between his teeth. Then he shucked off his own jeans and worked on the button to his brother's. "So fucking pretty."

"Love the way your hair looks Sammy." Dean confessed, watching his brother work his pants down his legs. The older Winchester grabbed Sam and twirled his own hands into his brown hair, kissing him fiercely again and planting small love bites. "Wanna knot my fingers through it while I watch you come, huh little brother?" Sam sucked in a harsh breath at his brother's words. Then he shook his head, growling when Dean wrapped his lips around one of his nipples.

"No Dean. Let me." Sam hooked a finger in his brother's underwear and pulled it down. Dean turned his head to the side and sucked in a breath when Sam blew a puff of air over his erection.

Sam took off his own boxers and his brother's eyes widened at the sight of his thick cock leaking precum.

"Mmm...Sammy..." Dean gasped. He was cut off when the younger brother shoved two fingers between his lips, imploring him to suck. When Sam took his fingers out of the smaller man's mouth, he kissed Dean and pulled one leg over his shoulder. He smiled at Dean as he inserted one finger into his brother's hole.

Dean's face scrunched up at the intrusion. He arched his back up and Sam pushed him down roughly, keeping Dean on his finger. He twisted his hand but missed Dean's prostate on purpose. Dean started to whine, wiggling on his brother's finger. He moaned for the next finger loudly.

"Shhh, Dean, you want another?" Sam purred, kissing him again. Dean opened his lips and Sam pushed his tongue into his brother's warm mouth. The two made out sloppily until Dean was completely succumbed with his brother. Sam took the opportunity to slip in his second finger, pressing it against his brother's tight walls. The older Winchester, usually the more composed, raked his nails against Sam's back. Sam relished the uncomfortable sensation and Dean noticed, smiling, and dragged lines of pain down Sam's back again. Sam clenched his jaw and rammed his fingers up into Dean's ass harder. Dean groaned.

When Sam scissored his fingers, Dean made another noise. He pulled Sam's hair roughly again until the younger brother let out a cry.

"Please, Sammy. Please!" Dean begged while Sam missed his spot again. He bit his lip and smiled down at Dean.

"Want it Dean? Turn over." The older Winchester complied quickly, scrabbling to keep his balance on his hands and knees. Sam guided his brother's hands above the head board, pinning them there. He guided his length to Dean's hole, kissing his back lightly before thrusting in.

"DAMNIT Sam," Dean yelled, body lurching forward against the wall, his nails scraping along the wall. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as Sam jerked his hips again. Sam released Dean's hands to hold on to his waist. He began to snap his hips, jolting his dick into Dean's ass harder. He changed his angle, spurring groans from his brother.

Dean was ecstasy. His breath began to come in pants, chest rocking forward. He placed one white-knuckled hand on the head board and listened to Sam snicker behind him at the squeaky sounds it made. Dean rocked back on to Sam's dick, trying to fuck himself harder.

"Deannn..." Sam moaned, trying to take back his control. He leaned forward and sucked hickies along his neck. Dean shuddered and gasped. As they both neared their highs, Sam reached around and tugged on Dean's dick, planting more kisses down his spine.

When Sam hit Dean's prostate, Dean cried out loudly. A burst of sparks flew before his eyes and he bit his bottom lip harshly. One of his hands flew behind him trying to find a part of Sam to hold on to, and Sam only grabbed it and twisted it into a holding position. Dean grimaced, but loved the feel of Sam in utter control.

"Gonna make more pretty noises when you come Dean?" Sam said, thrusting his hips harder and harder. Dean groaned.

"Love it when you talk dirty to me, Sammy." Dean smiled. Sam leaned forward and bit down on his brother's shoulder to silence him while he came. Dean shouted out loud in his gravelly voice. Sam followed suit, following through with a few final sloppy thrusts. When Sam pulled out Dean sat down against the head board, exhausted. Sam bit his lip shyly and collapsed on Dean's chest.

Dean took a deep breath and ruffled Sam's hair. The younger of the two rested his head on the crook of Dean's shoulder and sighed. Sam wrapped his arm around his brother's chest and Dean pulled him closer.

"Feel better Sammy?" Dean asked.

"Yeah Dean. Much better." Sam said, laughing lightly. The two brothers laid together for awhile, thinking about what they had just done. But the act didn't bother them because in the end all they needed, wanted, and had, was each other