A/N: Set in the FMAverse (manga ofc) with slight adjustments to the timeline. Alternate universe? Maybe, but not quite :)

I'll try to keep everyone in character to the extent that crack fics go xD

Pride's POV

It was late at night, everyone in the house was sound asleep, just as I was, being the good little boy that I am-

No. No, I wasn't asleep. Saying that I actually sleep on any given night would be an outrageous lie. I don't sleep, I pretend to go to bed.

It never proves to be a challenge either, seeing that I am excellent at feigning sleep when I choose. My "mother" hardly ever checks my bedroom, and I don't need sleep. I left the house right after I was sure the air was still, and it was clear that everyone in the house was asleep.

So; why was I doing this?

Normally, I'd spend the nights roaming around the empty streets, save for an occasional passerby or car that drove past, to carry out of my job of watching over Central. But tonight, I had to get to the Central military command center, where Wrath was staying overnight for an inspection, for the sole purpose of joining my "siblings", Lust, Greed, Envy, Sloth and Gluttony who, by the time I got there, were all sitting around watching a horror movie (except for Sloth, who was sleeping on the floor at the far end of the room. No surprise there). It was above Father's lair, which made it easier to get there, since there was a tunnel under Wrath's house and all the tunnels eventually led to the command center, which was the center of the nationwide transmutation circle Sloth spent over a century digging.

Well, in case if you were wondering, I did not come up with the idea, nor did I want to go in the first place.

"What if Father finds out about this?" I had demanded a day ago when Wrath had agreed to let them stay in an unused room that was one of the many given to the Fuhrer. I was referring to Our Father, who created us Homunculi, the most powerful being that could perhaps rival the existence of God, or so he claims, who plans to transmute the country into a Philosophers' Stone by using five sacrifices, and other great plans he had in store. If he found out we were spending the night piled up in a room in Central, doing things with absolutely no purpose, we would be in a lot of trouble. And as I was the eldest, I'm the one pitted with the task of keeping my younger siblings in line, and in the end, it would be held against me if the lot got out of line.

"Don't worry about it," Wrath said, as I gave him a look of displeasure. How could I not worry? "Besides, what's better than a night with your family?" he chuckled. Well, I had to admit, as ridiculous as it sounded, he had a point. And even though Wrath was younger than me, I believed he was sensible, though not as much as I, of course. So, I agreed to it.

And oh, do I regret doing so.

Here, I was, sitting on the couch, tossing popcorn into Gluttony's mouth. It was extremely boring, for I don't have interest in tasteless movies humans expect to be scary. Perhaps my siblings found it fun, while I didn't. I mean, I am Pride, the first homunculus. No other emotions exist within me, or so that's what I try to tell everyone- but they just laugh at me and say otherwise.

And just about now, I felt as though I was at the brink of turning mad. Just how can humans stand spending "quality time" with their families?

"Hey, Pride... Can I eat the table?" Gluttony turned around to ask me.

"No, Gluttony…" I began, prepared to lecture him that tables were not for eating, especially not this table, but I was interrupted by a scream in the movie.

"It looks like you do have emotions, Pride. You're scared, aren't you?" Envy smirked, noticing the slight movement that I had made upon hearing the sudden loud sound. "Though excuse me for asking, it must've been stupid of me to expect any less from a little kid."

I glared at him and opened my mouth to put him in his place, but Lust silenced me with a, "SHHH," as her nails pierced through 5 pieces of popcorn.

..May I add, it was just like those annoying people at movie theatres (Wrath's wife had taken me once) who happen to be so absorbed in the film that they'll reprimand anyone who does even the littlest thing to be considered a distraction? I stared at the floor in irritation, choosing to ignore them until the movie came to an end. And believe me, it was like slow torture.

"I knew everyone was going to die anyway," Greed concluded just as the screen turned blank.

"What do you want, a cookie?" Envy muttered.

"Yeah, and make sure it doesn't have raisins I hate those," he made a face.

"Anyways," Lust said, swiping the last piece of popcorn at the tip of her index finger. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"I'd be happy to leave," I muttered. No one answered, so I just sat back down on the couch and stared at the wall.

"Well, I have cards," said Envy announced in mock optimism, taking out a deck. When he divided it in half he paused.

"There were 52 cards…now there are only 30..."

Gluttony burped.

Lust asked, "Gluttony did you eat them?"

"Um," Gluttony said, putting a finger into his mouth. "Yes?"

"YOU F*CKING IDIOT! WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION?!" Envy demanded, getting up. Talk about serious mood swings...

"I was hungry…" Gluttony began fearfully.

"Sit down," I said calmly. "Let's avoid unnecessary conflict amongst eachother. There are better things we could do."

"Like …" Greed questioned. A couple of silent seconds passed, with the exception of Sloth's snores.

"Wait— we could prank call people," Lust suggested.

"Hahaha," I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of the suggestion. "There won't be anyone to receive the calls because they're all asleep." It made sense if this was another time of the day. Wouldn't people be asleep at this time? Or maybe it was just me, used to being sent to bed at nine.

"It's only eleven," she pointed out, dismissing me with a wave of her hand. "So, who should we call?"

"What about the flame colonel— Roy Mustang?" Envy said, while tearing the remaining cards he had. "I could turn into Hughes and annoy him; I mean he's dead so Mustang won't know what hit him."

"That's just going to piss him off." Lust interrupted in a flat voice.

"Oh I know," Envy said, an insane smile spreading across his face. Which, let me assure you, is a sign that at the moment, I had better keep a close eye on him or I'll regret it for years to come. "Let's call the Fullmetal pipsqueak!"

"Edward Elric? We don't have his number," I turned it down. "This is so pointless, I mean, we don't know any of their numbers…"

"Actually," Greed said. "We do," he reached into his jacket pocket and took out a cell phone.

"You have his number on your phone?" I questioned. Okay, maybe we were acquaintances with the Elric brothers, but to be as close as to ask someone for their number..?

"Nahh, this isn't my phone. It's Ling's," he replied. "Obviously he has Ed's number."

Lust smiled deviously.

"Let's see, so who should be the one to make the call...?"

A/N: Review! Who do you think Envy should voice when they prank call Ed XD