KANE LOVES LYNCH Episode 2
Birds are chirping outside; we zoom in first on Lynch's name on his headboard, next to which Lynch is snoring loudly. The camera pans to Kane's headboard, also with his name. Kane's alarm goes off; it's a rather maudlin symphony as the radio comes on.
KANE
[Crying, moaning a little
I've let you all down... so many times...
LYNCH
[Awaking with a snort
Gnuh! Not this fuckin' shit again, Kane. You're like a goddamn... goth kid or somethin'.
KANE
Don't talk to me, Lynch, just do what I fuckin' tell you.
LYNCH
Okay, you arrogant prick. What the fuck are we doing today? You got another list for me?
KANE
No, Lynch; you fucked that up bad. I had to quit my job so I can babysit you. The first thing you're going to do this morning is fill out a survey, make five dollars.
LYNCH
[Putting on his glasses
A what?
KANE
A survey. You answer questions.
LYNCH
I'm not so good at answerin' questions, I have a bad fuckin' memory.
KANE
After that, we're going to go Christmas shopping.
LYNCH
My wife always wanted to go to the mall at Christmas Time, she says it's beautiful.
KANE
It's not.
[Interior - Kane's Office - Morning
KANE
Lynch, sit here, and just answer the questions.
Kane leaves the room.
LYNCH
Okay, first question: Have you purchased any of these products in the last month? Embalming fluid, check! Duct tape... check! Meth lab parts... check! Condoms... what the hell are those? Hey Kane, what's a condom?
KANE
[shouting from another room
A rubber... for the ladies.
LYNCH
Oh, that. Don't need those... dead girls don't complain. Heh heh heh...
The audience boos loudly.
LYNCH
Oh, I don't have to listen to your shit! I may have my issues, but you're getting paid to clap and laugh when a sign goes off!
EXTREMELY GAY MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER
Well, you're getting paid to fill out surveys, buster!
The audience applauds.
LYNCH
Hey, I tried to start a business... that's more than you can say! So fuck you!
Lynch hurls the computer monitor at the man, and his head is embedded in the broken screen as glass and sparks fly everywhere. The audience looks shocked, but Lynch leers at them and they clap.
LYNCH
That's more fuckin' like it!
[Interior - Den - Morning
LYNCH
[Entering the room
Kane, your computer doesn't work!
KANE
I'll look at it later. Let's go shopping.
LYNCH
Oh, you're so fucking full of yourself!
KANE
What are you talking about?
LYNCH
I'm still in charge, fucker. You still listen to me!
KANE
Aw, take some of your goddamn pills!
LYNCH
I took the last one rectally a few minutes ago, didn't work. Let's go shopping, Kane. I wanna get some Christmas shit together!
[Exterior - Mall Parking Lot - Early Afternoon
KANE
[climbing out of a black SUV
Okay Lynch; you've got a twenty dollar spending limit.
LYNCH
I was hopin' to buy some real estate!
KANE
Lynch, you don't buy real estate at the mall. Can you even spell "real estate?"
LYNCH
R... O...
KANE
Forget it. Let's just get this over with.
[Interior - Mall - Toy Store
LYNCH
Goddamn Kane... droppin' me off at the toy store! What's an adult supposed to buy here, or don't you know?
KID
Huh?
LYNCH
Maybe I'm not an adult... maybe I'm a kid too! Yeah, that explains it!
KID
You're weird, mister.
LYNCH
I may have my issues, but...
STORE MANAGER
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you leave immediately. We don't want any trouble.
LYNCH
I'm tired of us kids gettin' pushed around! Who's with me?
KIDS
[in unison
Yeah!!!
The kids begin causing chaos in the store; a giant tree is tipped over, an aisle of dolls is set on fire, and the employees flee the shop.
LYNCH
Yeah! Now let's trash the Macy's next door!
KID
Lynch, we need a break!
LYNCH
Well, you can't have one! I promise, today, we topple the mall. And I already have your reward. In my PANTS!
The audience gasps.
LYNCH
What? I got 'em these!
Lynch pulls several lollipops out of his pocket.
KANE
[entering the store
Lynch, you didn't even buy anything? Why?
LYNCH
It's better to receive than to give, fucker.
KANE
You gotta take something at least.
LYNCH
Okay, I got the perfect gift! For your daughter.
[Interior - Kane and Lynch's apartment - evening
The radio plays christmas music as Kane and Lynch are propping something up in their den.
KANE
Okay, put the star you took up there.
LYNCH
[grunting
Yeah! That looks great!
The camera zooms in on Jenny's corpse propped up in the corner of the room, her face pointed upwards with a star stuck in her mouth. Kane and Lynch step in the way of the camera with their arms over each others' shoulders, looking in to the camera.
LYNCH
Merry fuckin' Christmas!
KANE
Yeah, Merry Christmas from Kane and Lynch, and all the rest of the team here at CBS. Lynch, can you spell Christmas?
LYNCH
C... R... M... S... O... P.
KANE
Curmsop, exactly. Happy Holidays, everyone!
The camera starts outside the window where Kane and Lynch are waving, and zooms back and in the snowy sky.
