A/N: It was heartbreaking to write this but I guess we have to find a way to either cope with it or give up on them. (this was supposed to be a one-shot but I'd be willing to go on a longer journey if you are willing to join me)
The rich burgundy hugged her body like a second skin and she knew that she would readily shed it for him. She had to admit to herself that the lingerie suited her perfectly, she looked good and she was aware of that. She's always known it. Technically, her body hasn't changed over the course of the last year.
Diane turned around, continuing to observe her figure closely in the mirror. She's never done that before. But lately, she felt like she had to. She was listening to that unfamiliar voice in her head and it flooded her with insecurity. Diane wasn't exactly used to that feeling, but she knew where it was coming from. Confidence had always been her greatest gift, but she knew that something was rupturing, gradually transforming into a fissure. It was a slow energy-sapping process that had started some time ago but she didn't always feel it. It wasn't always there. But when she felt it, it hurt. It hurt bad and she didn't know how to make it go away.
There were times when she could make the voice in her head fade, she couldn't shut it completely but it helped when it softened. But Diane was struggling. With every smile, with every touch, with every embrace and every kiss, the feeling was equally suppressed and induced. His palm skimming along her skin was what broke her, but at the same time it was what healed her. She wanted it to not bother her, wanted to make the thoughts go away, wanted be able keep the eye-contact so desperately when he looked at her. And she managed, sometimes. Other times, she couldn't bear his gaze and would let her head fall against his shoulder and find shelter in what simultaneously withdrew it from her.
Time might have anesthetized, she couldn't tell, but she has not yet forgiven nor healed and maybe time couldn't do that. They had good days together when Diane managed to shake it off and move on, one step at a time. It was easier when their days went by without sex, not because she didn't want it but because it was simply more bearable. She didn't want to blame herself for what happened but she couldn't help but wonder if she was the reason. Deep inside she knew it was his mistake, but she was scared that she contributed to it. And how could she know, they haven't done more than discuss it briefly, she didn't know the details because she didn't want to hear it. She had broached the subject before and she regretted it when he started talking, unable to handle his words, his excuses, his explanations.
Diane turned and ran her hands along her body, watching herself. Her fingers lazily sliding over her chest, her ribcage, down to her stomach and stopping at the line of her panties. She looked into her own eyes and smiled. It couldn't have been her, could it? At least not her body. She had met him late in life and he accepted her and wanted her the way she was, that's why she believed him when he said he didn't sleep with any of his students. It wasn't exactly about Kurt sleeping with someone else before her, but for some reason she had felt threatened by that younger generation. She based her marriage on his declaration, she trusted him and knew it would be the right thing to fully commit to that man. But what she had feared most, became an undeniable reality. She thought she had based her marriage on the truth, but maybe she had based it on a lie- or the truth that at one point became a lie and made her question her decision.
She was lost in her thoughts but as focused as she was, she still saw him approaching her from behind. She instantly gasped for air and in the same instant inhaled his scent. His breath was warm, almost agonizingly hot against her shoulder and she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, breathing out slowly and once again accepting the apology she never got. The effect he had on her was not to be denied, and she couldn't help but think he is all she ever wanted, all she ever needed; was and still is and probably always will be. That wonderful, wonderful man who made her experience the truest love she had ever felt. It was clear that she couldn't resist him, and why should she? He was her husband after all and they were getting back together; not there yet but getting there.
She turned in his arms and he pulled her closer. Her palms were stroking over his chest and she looked up at him, deep into his eyes, looking for answers, not sure what her silent question was. She could see the love in his eyes, they revealed how much he cared. She was looking for something else, maybe a hint of remorse and at one point she thought she found it, hiding behind his proud loving look. Diane knew he felt bad about it, hated himself for it, but she wasn't sure if it was enough to make up for what he did. What could possibly be enough? There was no such thing as an appropriate choice of words to make it better, nothing that could convince her it would go away. She knew he wouldn't do it again. The pain was still there, she could feel it under her skin.
Her hand traveled up his chest, over his neck and finding his cheek. The scar from the incident earlier this month has faded, only a light red spot still visible. He looked so innocent and she bit her lip lightly, trying to hide a smile. She could see that there was a smile forming on his lips too and she sighed when he leaned further down, unsure if she heard his or her heart beating. He's never been much of a talker and his look was maybe revealing more apology than his words ever could.
"You look beautiful." He pressed his lips against her collarbone and mumbled those words against her skin while his hands moved up her back and unclasped her bra. Diane shivered, she wanted to relish this so badly and tried to keep herself from talking because as much as she wanted to keep quiet, she had that sentence on the tip of her tongue, waiting to be voiced. And she wanted to say it, thought he needed to hear it, to hear what he had done to her. But she has said it, many times, and he's heard it and couldn't handle it, even with a cautious choice of words. She wanted to utter those words so urgently that it was unbearable, but, after all, she thought he didn't deserve to be punished like that over and over. Diane couldn't voice the 'Yet you slept with someone half my age'. She loved him, still, more than anything and it wouldn't make a difference.
Her hand that had previously been resting on his cheek was now curling around his neck, reassuringly meeting his intentions, taking the initiative. And she pressed her lips against his, overtaking him with her passion and all the emotion she was feeling. Kurt retorted, holding her tightly, their topless bodies colliding in a way that both of them were too familiar with. She managed to keep the words to herself, to not rip open the wounds that have already begun to heal because that would only be detaining.
And maybe, maybe this would all get easier. Not today, not tomorrow, but sometime. She was carrying that anger and disappointment, but she knew she would have to accept the pain and find a way to deal with it. She couldn't just forget it but she could try to keep herself from drowning in it. At some point, they could find a way to come back from what happened and maybe the only way she could heal was if they healed together. One thing was clear- she didn't want anyone else in her life.
