Can We Just Be Friends
By soo
Rating: R
Summary: The title really says it all without giving the whole plot away.
Special thanks go to 'tilla, who encouraged me to take my depressed ramblings and make
it into a story, to Ellen, who took those ramblings and helped me make real sentences out
of them and Chris who came up with the title.
~ ~ ~
What do you do when your best friend, your life companion, your lover, leaves you?
How do you cope when the person that you always thought would be there suddenly isn't
it? Maybe it was egotistical of me to think that he would always be here. I thought who I
was, what I was, and the relationship we had would be enough to keep him with me.
Obviously, it wasn't.
Today started out like any other normal day. At least, I thought it was normal. I look back
now and realize that my love had been distancing himself from me. Actually, he had been
distancing himself from me for quite some time, but I had put it down to nervousness
about his new job. I should have known it wasn't that. He's never been nervous about
something as simple as a job.
So, when he came home tonight and said that he wanted to go out, I thought he wanted to
celebrate. Instead he told me over dinner that he wants to go back to being friends.
Friends. That's a laugh. I don't think we have ever been just friends. From the first
moment we met, there was never a doubt in my mind that sooner or later we would
become lovers. Preferably sooner, if I had my wish.
And that first night was grand. It was magical. I look back at it, and I can't remember
who succumbed to whom. All I remember is that we were kicked back, relaxing.
Drinking a little beer and talking. The next thing I know, I'm on my back, and he was on
top of me taking my breath away. Since that night we've been inseparable, and now he
tells me he has found someone else.
How do you go on, knowing that somewhere out there, he is with somebody else? That
the relationship that the two of you had was not enough for him. That no matter what you
did, it wasn't enough, no matter how hard you tried, there was something always lacking.
That you couldn't fulfill him? And what does that say about me? I was fulfilled.
Fulfilled. It doesn't even come close to the way he makes me feel. He fills a part of me
that I didn't even know was empty. A part that nobody has ever touched before. And he
does it with out even knowing, or even trying. That is what really amazes me. He can
affect me so much, make everything brighter with just his presence. For crying out loud,
he makes the world a brighter place to live. A place where I want to get up in the
morning.
How do you get up in the morning knowing that only if you are lucky will you get to see
him? That for the first time in a long time, you have to plan to see him? That he won't be
there when you wake up. That everything that you took for granted is just not there
anymore. It's the little things that you don't even usually notice that will hurt the most.
The way he used to say your name. The way, each morning, he would give you a gentle
kiss before you left for work. The intoxicating way he smelled.
The way he smelled. It's indescribable, really. Part of it is soap, but mostly it's just him -
the pure essence of him, the smell that became a comfort to me. A comfort in the night
when I woke up unexpectedly, when I didn't know where I was, or even who I was. That
incredible smell that made the nights that much easier. Made it so that I was no longer
afraid to turn off the light.
How do you turn the light off at night and go to bed when you haven't seen him that day?
Is going to bed admitting defeat? Defeat in the likelihood that you'll see him? Or is it a
defeat within you? A defeat because you couldn't go a day without thinking of him,
wanting to be near him so much so that you want to hate yourself.
How do you deal with the hate? I don't hate him. No. Never him; I don't think I could
ever hate him. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being enough for him and for not
recognizing his needs. How could I be so blind? The hate inside of me is growing, and
I'm afraid that it will soon overpower me. That the darkness will return. I can't let that
happen. So, I have to let him go, but it is so hard. Because even through all the hate, I
still love him. My beloved. My Highlander.
By soo
Rating: R
Summary: The title really says it all without giving the whole plot away.
Special thanks go to 'tilla, who encouraged me to take my depressed ramblings and make
it into a story, to Ellen, who took those ramblings and helped me make real sentences out
of them and Chris who came up with the title.
~ ~ ~
What do you do when your best friend, your life companion, your lover, leaves you?
How do you cope when the person that you always thought would be there suddenly isn't
it? Maybe it was egotistical of me to think that he would always be here. I thought who I
was, what I was, and the relationship we had would be enough to keep him with me.
Obviously, it wasn't.
Today started out like any other normal day. At least, I thought it was normal. I look back
now and realize that my love had been distancing himself from me. Actually, he had been
distancing himself from me for quite some time, but I had put it down to nervousness
about his new job. I should have known it wasn't that. He's never been nervous about
something as simple as a job.
So, when he came home tonight and said that he wanted to go out, I thought he wanted to
celebrate. Instead he told me over dinner that he wants to go back to being friends.
Friends. That's a laugh. I don't think we have ever been just friends. From the first
moment we met, there was never a doubt in my mind that sooner or later we would
become lovers. Preferably sooner, if I had my wish.
And that first night was grand. It was magical. I look back at it, and I can't remember
who succumbed to whom. All I remember is that we were kicked back, relaxing.
Drinking a little beer and talking. The next thing I know, I'm on my back, and he was on
top of me taking my breath away. Since that night we've been inseparable, and now he
tells me he has found someone else.
How do you go on, knowing that somewhere out there, he is with somebody else? That
the relationship that the two of you had was not enough for him. That no matter what you
did, it wasn't enough, no matter how hard you tried, there was something always lacking.
That you couldn't fulfill him? And what does that say about me? I was fulfilled.
Fulfilled. It doesn't even come close to the way he makes me feel. He fills a part of me
that I didn't even know was empty. A part that nobody has ever touched before. And he
does it with out even knowing, or even trying. That is what really amazes me. He can
affect me so much, make everything brighter with just his presence. For crying out loud,
he makes the world a brighter place to live. A place where I want to get up in the
morning.
How do you get up in the morning knowing that only if you are lucky will you get to see
him? That for the first time in a long time, you have to plan to see him? That he won't be
there when you wake up. That everything that you took for granted is just not there
anymore. It's the little things that you don't even usually notice that will hurt the most.
The way he used to say your name. The way, each morning, he would give you a gentle
kiss before you left for work. The intoxicating way he smelled.
The way he smelled. It's indescribable, really. Part of it is soap, but mostly it's just him -
the pure essence of him, the smell that became a comfort to me. A comfort in the night
when I woke up unexpectedly, when I didn't know where I was, or even who I was. That
incredible smell that made the nights that much easier. Made it so that I was no longer
afraid to turn off the light.
How do you turn the light off at night and go to bed when you haven't seen him that day?
Is going to bed admitting defeat? Defeat in the likelihood that you'll see him? Or is it a
defeat within you? A defeat because you couldn't go a day without thinking of him,
wanting to be near him so much so that you want to hate yourself.
How do you deal with the hate? I don't hate him. No. Never him; I don't think I could
ever hate him. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being enough for him and for not
recognizing his needs. How could I be so blind? The hate inside of me is growing, and
I'm afraid that it will soon overpower me. That the darkness will return. I can't let that
happen. So, I have to let him go, but it is so hard. Because even through all the hate, I
still love him. My beloved. My Highlander.
