Link had been having quite a nice dream when he was rudely awakened by an irritating voice.
Link.
Link.
LINK.
Open your eyes.
Wake up.
Come on, get up you lazy swine. I could reeeeally do with some help right about now.
"N-nyah… go away, mum." Link murmured as he shifted in his bed. His water bed. His bed with... water in it…
"What in Hyrule?" Link grumbled as he rubbed his eyes and sat up. He was in some kind of chamber, though the thing he lay in reminded him a little of the bottom half of a coffin. The water around him was receding, but he was still wet. How annoying.
LINK! Oh for crying out loud, get up already!
"I am! Geez, for a disembodied voice you sure are annoying."
Just be thankful I'm not some diminutive fairy telling you there's something strange about death mountain.
"What?"
Nothing. Now, get your punk ass out of this chamber by grabbing that stone tablet over there out of the holder thing.
"The… what?" Link glanced around and saw a raised dais with a small rectangular object situated upon it. He stood up, a little unsteady on his feet, and walked slowly to the pedestal.
Yes, that. We call it a Sheikah Slate.
"What a silly name. And why is it in bold?"
Well, it should be coloured red to signify its importance but... yeah.
"Right... anyway, I just… take it?"
Indeed. Oh, excuse me, I've got to go fire a laser beam at Calamity Ganon.
"Who?" Link asked, but it was to empty air. Whoever was behind that voice had gone, leaving him in this strange new place to fend for himself. Just like his parents did. Now was not the time for that conversation again, however.
The dais made a strange clicking sound and a few mechanical joints moved, twisting and turning the Sheikah Slate until it pointed towards him. When Link took it a door he hadn't seen before opened cinematically. Without stopping to question it, he jogged out through it into another room full of wooden crates and barrels and… chests! Wow! Link knew what he'd do first!
Link spent the next few minutes breaking the barrels. When there were none left he reluctantly moved to the chests, giving them a good kick. It hurt, but the container burst open to reveal… some pants. The old trousers were threadbare in spots, and the legs were quite short, but at least they were something because by, this point Link realised he wasn't actually wearing much; just some cool blue skin-tight swimming trunks. The only problem was that they were still a little wet, and his raging morning wood poked out like an obscene branch from a lusty tree. Then again such an occurrence could only be expected from a sleep as long as his.
Link quickly removed the wet garment and put on the trousers, hiding his master sword from view. After grabbing an old shirt from the other chest, he ran over to another door.
I'm back!
"Wonderful."
Right, now hold your Sheikah Slate up to the... thing. That will… uh… hang on.
There was the sound of some rustling, as if someone was turning the page of a script.
Ah hah! Ahem... Hold the Sheikah Slate up to the pedestal. That will show you the way.
Link shrugged and tapped the pedestal with his slate. The door grumbled and one again cinematically opened, revealing glorious bright light.
Link, you are the light.
"Huh? No, that's the light over th-"
Shut up. Go save Hyrule or whatever. Just get me the hell out of here.
Link got the hell out of there.
Well, he tried to. Unfortunately, there was a small cliff blocking his way. "Ah well, I tried." Link shrugged.
Climb it you dimwit.
"Of course!" It was at this point Link realised he was absolutely fantastic at climbing. He scaled the wall in two shakes of a squirrel's tail and run out into the glorious, fresh wild. The squirrel whose tail had been shaken also ran off, escaping into the undergrowth, and was promptly squashed by a Lynel that wasn't meant to be there.
"Huh? Isn't this Master Mode?" Asked the Lynel before disappearing. No, it wasn't.
Link had a magnificent view of the -breadth of the wild-, and he imagined inspiring music playing as he looked ahead to some giant volcano in the distance, and then to a weird temple thing, and then to- an old man? Ew. Link decided to skip the old man.
Running forward, he decided he would need a weapon should the old man try and molest him. He picked a stick up off the ground and gave it a few experimental waves. Then he tried it against a tree. It immediately broke.
"Bother. Turns out things actually break. What an annoying mechanic."
It's the Giant's Knife all over again.
"Hey, I thought you were going to leave me alone now."
I know, but to be honest it's pretty boring up here. Anyway, hurry up and head to the point marked on your Sheikah Slate.
"Fine, fine."
Link began to make his down the small path but stopped in his tracks when he saw a tree. And not just any tree… an apple tree! "Oh boy!" Link cried as skipped up to it and tried to grab an apple. However, they were all too high up, and try as he might the tree was just too thin to climb. Link's stomach grumbled as he realised how ravenous he was, and so the delicious aroma of baked apple that suddenly drifted up to him caused his mouth to start drooling, and he turned in an almost hypnotised manner toward a small cooking pot. Beside it, in the grass, lay a fantastically browned apple, and Link didn't even think of hygiene as he wolfed it down.
"I BEG YOUR PARDON, DEAR SIR! I do very so believe that is my baked apple! You can't just go about taking it whenever you very well please!"
"Oh no!" Link cried. The old man had ambushed him with tasty treats! Link tried to grab his stick, but the man was still talking and so he was frozen in a 'listening' animation.
"Oho ho!" The man laughed in a creepy, grumbly way. "Forgive me – I could not resist pulling your leg."
Link rubbed his leg. Just the though of the old man's crooked, hairy fingers running over his young, innocent appendage made him shiver. Yet the man just kept on yapping.
"Eat it, eat it! An apple and an open flame make for a succulent treat."
"Who are you!?" Link cried.
"Me? I'll spare you my life story. I'm just an old fool who has lived here, alone, for quite some time now. I must say… I enjoy your companionship. It's so very… succulent. But what brings a bright-eyed – and dare I say succulently handsome – young fellow like you to a place like this?"
Link blanched at the man's overuse of the word succulent but took the opportunity to ask exactly where they were.
"Ah. I shall tell you." The man uselessly said. "This is the Great Plateau. According to legend, this is the..."
Link dozed off a little as the man droned on, but started in fright when the man suddenly stood up, nodding to the temple in the distance. "That temple there… long ago it was the site of many sacred ceremonies. Ah, the circumcisions we would perform there, and the sacrificial – uh… never mind. Anyway, a convenient 100 years ago it was abandoned. But that is neither here nor there, because it plays very little part in the rest of this adventure."
Link looked at the man in confusion. What adventure? Actually, did he really care? He just wanted to get out of here. However, just before he got out of there he spied a perve-whacker.
That's a torch.
"Things have multiple uses."
When Link took it, the man turned to him again. "Well then, just help yourself to that torch there. And how, may I ask, are you planning to use it?"
"To set you on fire!" Link cheered.
"That is rather… unnerving. Please be cautious with that around any dry grass that might catch fire."
Link shrugged and ran over to the cooking pot, lighting the torch. But when he turned around to brandish it at the man, he saw only an empty chair. The gross grandpa was gone!
A little further down the path, Link saw something much more up his alley. An axe! Running over to the nearby apple tree, he cut it down with two swift chops and grabbed the tasty fruit. Popping over to the fire, he threw them in and watched as they burned away to nothing. "Bother… there must be a secret here." He cut down another apple tree, ignoring the screams of nature, and threw them in. This time, he took them when a little puff of smoke emerged. "Ah hah! A baked apple!" Very proud of himself, Link continued down the path, determined not to be distracted by any more-
"Oh look! A cute little goblin!" Link giggled, skipping over to the red weirdo. He quickly realised it wasn't so cute after all, because the thing screamed and started running toward him, wielding a club. "Peaches and cream!" Yelled Link, and in a desperate move he threw the axe at the goblin. It broke immediately, but not before lodging deep inside the thing's skull, thick red blood bursting out in potent waves of gore. "Ew. That's pretty gross." Link frowned as he took the goblin's club.
It's called a bokoblin, Link.
Link didn't care. He was too busy ripping out the thing's horns and teeth. Then he started back along the track, stopping only to vandalise a nearby piece of ancient history by tearing out a screw out of a rusted guardian.
The rest of the trip to the temple was uneventful, besides a little foray with a poor innocent butterfly which he quickly stuffed into his pockets. Upon arriving at the temple, he saw a great big statue. "Ah! This must be where I have to go!" Heading over, he stopped at the statue's foot.
The statue smiles at you.
Link frowned. Was that it? Wasn't this where-
He took out his Sheikah Slate and realised he was meant to go somewhere else further down the path. Crap.
o0o
On his way to this new location he saw a massive skull and wisely concluded there were dangerous things lurking in there.
So of course he headed over.
There were indeed many creatures, including a bokoblin holding a bow. Link decided he wanted that bow. Sneaking up, he ascended the ladder and gave the goblin a hard smack. It went flying as Link's club broke, and when it hit the ground there was a great big snap as the goblin's neck broke. Link still didn't care. He grabbed the bow and got ready to enter the skull to bash some bokoblin butts.
"Hrm." Link wondered aloud. There were multiple barrels of TNT inside, and conveniently placed lanterns above. "I wonder..."
He aimed, and with incredible accuracy snapped the rope holding the lantern clean off.
That crosshair sure is helpful, eh?
The lantern fell, igniting the barrels, and then everything exploded. Bits of bokoblin went flying everywhere, and one poor little guy came running out wrapped in flames, screaming in agony. Link laughed as the monster soon succumbed to the flames, and then started over to take its guts.
Then suddenly everything went black for a second as a spiked club whopped into his head. Link mashed into the ground and scrambled back up as another bokoblin – this one sporting stripes that looked a little like war paint – went for another swing. The creature was still on fire, and so was its club, and that meant…
Link screamed as he realised he was ablaze. He did a little dance, dodging the striped bokoblin's strikes, then rolled on the ground to put out the fire.
At this point our hero was in a rather large amount of pain, and barely conscious. Streams of blood were running from the side of his head where one of the club's spikes had impaled him, but gritting his teeth Link dodge another strike and ran forward, hammering away at the animal with his torch, not stopping until it was well and truly knocked out. Then he grabbed the monster'a club and continued bashing the beast to a bloody pulp, staining the grass a nice shade of red.
Link sat down, bleeding and weak. He was having trouble thinking properly, and everything was a little blurry.
Eat some food, Link.
"What? Are you crazy? I need a doctor!"
Trust me.
"Trust the voice in my head telling me to do strange things?"
Yes. I am definitely not a product of your hundred-year long sleep.
"… Fine." Link took out a baked apple and bit into it. A second later his vision cleared, his head stopped spinning, and his limbs felt stronger. He ate another one and brought a hand up to the side of his head, finding that the wound had closed up. This was amazing! Apparently food had restoration powers. "This could come in very useful…" Link grinned.
o0o
Once at the place he was actually meant to be (smashing the hell out of another bokoblin who held a shield he wanted on the way) he found another dais stuck into the earth. Placing the Sheikah Slate on it, he yelled out in fright as suddenly a tremendous tremor broke out. Link fell unconscious for some reason or another, and in his mind a black-and-white minimalist, boring-ass loading screen appeared, giving him tips on what to do with a small tree. Also some birds flew away and a squirrel was startled.
When Link woke back up, he found himself on top of a great big tower. "Gosh. That's not something you see every day." He went to grab the Sheikah Slate back, but a giant rock was too busy giving it a drip of its thick blue essence. When it was done, Link realised he had been given a map, but before he could look at it…
Try to remember.
"Huh? R-remember what?"
The… uh... I can't remember, but it's definitely about Ganon.
"Who is that? Everyone keeps mentioning him."
Look to the north.
Link looked to the North. "Look at what? All I can see is grass, sky, and a giant beast surrounding a castle with its purple death sludge."
That's the one.
"Ah. So, uh, what about it?"
Nothing at the moment. Just wanted to show you. Now, get down from here, because there is a very imported scripted event about to occur.
Link didn't have anything better to do, so he prepared to jump off the tower.
Using the steps, you fool.
"Oh, right." Link used the steps. They were quite far apart and so by the time he was done he needed another apple to repair the bone damage. When he reached the ground, he heard someone yell "Hoe!"
"Oh no! That creepy old man is trying to make me his-" Before Link could finish the man dropped out of the sky, using a weird tiny paraglider thing.
"Link, towers just appeared everywhere! How strange! Also, did anything strange happen while you were up there?"
"I saw some sky."
"And..?"
"Some grass."
"And..?"
"Uh… "
"How about a VOICE!?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess."
"And did you recognise it?"
"Nope. Just some chick."
"Hrm… alright. Anyhoo, I see you've also met Calamity Ganon. How do you feel about heading over there and stopping him?"
"I- I suppose." Link sighed.
"Oh good. Now, we're trapped on a plateau here. The only way down is if you had a paraglider like mine."
"Paraglider?"
"Ooh! Peaked your interest now, have I? Well, I'll give it to you, but not for nothing. All you need to do is-"
"I'm not doing anything sexual."
"I- uh… that's not… well, how about a trade for, oh, I don't know, some spirit orbs instead?"
"Fine. Just no touchy-touchy."
"Yes, yes, as you wish. Head over to that shrine thingo. You'll know what to do."
And so Link began his very first adventure, ready to pillage and plunder, and avoid sexy times with that weird old freak.
And there you have it, my dear Freaks of the Wild! The very first, glorious chapter. This is for you, Jordan. Incidentally, this is a partly 'commissioned' story for the bloke just mentioned. 'Commissioned' in the sense that he said: "My dear girl, we both like BOTW, why not write a story?" And I said no and then he offered me cake and so here we are. It's fun playing with wonderful game again, and of course it's fairly open where I'm going to go (there are main quests, sure, but think of all the side quests!) so if you want to see our very own Link go somewhere and ruin it, then why not shoot your thoughts at me?
Edit: So, just came back on here to see everything destroyed. As in, somehow everything de-formatted, bits were missing, punctuation gone... so that was annoying. So I've re-edited it in time for the next chapter (sorry for the wait, welcome to the world of high school) and added a few little things in. Also, if there are any more mistakes you can totally just blame it on the doc manager of Fanfiction, not me, because it's, uh, definitely not my fault! Heh! Heh..."
*Runs away*
