Those Minions
"Yo Caster, what's going on?"
"What the hell is wrong with you? I can't believe you went and pulled that shit today!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm fucking ten miles away from your ass and you think it's funny to run straight at the enemy forces and try to die? You some kind of daredevil?"
"Hey, the champion saved me, so what's the harm?"
"How about losing your entire wave, you dumbass! You just led all the other Melees right into the battle without even waiting for fucking Siege!"
"Look...Caster. Let's talk about this outside. I mean, you're causing a commotion."
Caster glanced over at the rookie minions staring at him with apprehension. Sighing, Caster followed Melee as they went outside of the Nexus perimeter.
Melee stabbed his lance into the ground and held his shield up to the sky.
"Man, sure is bright today."
"Are you seriously using your shield to look at your own reflection right now?"
"I'm going to explain everything to you, Caster. This isn't something I tell everyone, but I'm telling you cause we go way back. I hope after this, you'll understand why I had to do what I did."
"I doubt I'll ever understand what goes on in that empty head of yours. But alright...I guess I can at least hear you out."
"Thanks Caster. If it was Siege, he'd probably just shoot my ass with a cannonball. You're the only reasonable one around here."
"Save it with the sweet-talk and just get on with it," Caster said in a dismissive tone, though he couldn't help but stand a little straighter at the comment.
"Okay. So it all started five thousand years ago...when I made my first debut in Summoner's Rift."
"Alright, forget this. I'll just let fucking Siege deal with you-"
"Wait wait wait-! I'm kidding, it was just for dramatic effect! It was actually only five hundred years ag-I mean, I mean five years! Five years ago!"
"Continue," Caster said, putting away the wand he had been smacking against his palm.
"So...five years ago," Melee repeated, changing his voice back to a deep, heroic tone. "During that time I was just a lone fighter, wandering the land. I didn't have any special status or any real reason for fighting. It was in my blood, so I fought and killed people. I was a born troublemaker, and everywhere I went, I only left behind rage and tears."
"So, you're telling me you were a troll."
"Look, could you just shut up? I'm trying to give you a masterpiece here."
Melee took a few steps forward and hung his head. He seemed to be suffering from great turmoil.
"Is it really that depressing? Because if it's not, just cut the melodrama and hurry the fuck up."
"I had a wife."
"What? Are you shitting me?"
"No. I really had a wife. I didn't know her name. We eloped together and were only married for three days."
"You guys eloped, but you didn't even know her name."
"Yeah. I met her while I was on the battlefield in Summoner's Rift. I was trying to loot some gear from fallen minions so I could sell them, but then...I saw her lying on the ground, half-dead."
"Wait, what? You eloped with a champion!?"
"No. Believe it or not, she was a minion. She was amazingly beautiful. I couldn't resist taking her in my arms and motorboat-I mean, transporting her to safety."
"Look, if you indulged yourself, it's fine. We're all men here."
"I didn't indulge myself-"
"Don't try and deny it. I mean, you said she was hot, right?"
"...Okay, fine. It's true, I did indulge myself. But it was just a moment of weakness. I took advantage of a female minion. I can't forgive myself for that."
"Females are meant to be taken advantage of."
"Woah, woah! Where did that come from, Mr. Sexist!"
"I'm not being sexist. I'm just being condescending towards females. In fact, I love females more than any other gender. I just think they're weaker, more fragile, and more prone to accepting a sob story."
"That's called being sexist."
"Look, move on. Bring in your personal vendetta against me some other time."
"I don't have a personal vendetta against you-"
"Whatever! You found a hot chick and you took her with you. What happened next?"
"Well, I was discovered by a wave of enemy minions. They wanted to take her from me, so I declared that we were married."
"What? What the hell does that do-"
"Look, they had no idea what kind of family background I had. They just thought I looked a lot like Lee Sin."
"So you impersonated yourself as Lee Sin."
"Of course not. Lee Sin's a fucking giant. I just implied that I was his son."
"Are you fucking kidding-"
"Anyways since we were married, they let us go and I took her off the battlefield. When she woke up, I told her that we needed to get married if she wanted to escape to a safer location."
"Why did you need to get married at that point?"
"She was fucking hot, damn it! I wasn't going to let her go like that!"
"For gods' sake, this Melee minion...You made the right choice."
"So we got married by some traveling priest and I tried taking her back to our Nexus in Summoner's Rift."
"Okay. And?"
"Then fucking Katarina thought she was jungle and Shunpoed her ass from a bush!"
"Holy shit! That's terrible. How'd you get away?"
"Well, I looked like Lee Sin, so..."
"Are you fucking-"
"Nope."
"Lee Sin's a giant!"
"Yeah, but Katarina was a little dizzy from doing her ult. You know how it is."
"Holy crap. What happened after that?"
"Well, she obviously thought she killed Lee Sin's wife. Now, Katarina's strong, but Lee Sin in the jungle is fucking overpowered."
"Well, you know, they're nerfing him."
"Who said they're fucking nerfing him?"
"Who do you think? That voice in the sky..."
"The Summoner lady?"
"No. That one guy. Phreak. Or Morello."
"Oh, them. Really? They're nerfing Lee Sin?"
"Yeah. Next time we go out to battle, he'll probably be nerfed."
"Shit! I can't pretend to be Lee Sin anymore!"
"Well, it's not like he's dogshit now."
"That's not the fucking point! Lee Sin needs to stay as overpowered as possible because I'm relying on his reputation!"
"Look, let's get back on topic. So Katarina thought you were Lee Sin and she just killed your wife."
"Yeah. So she Shunpoed her ass to the Blue Golem and ran the fuck away."
"Really? What a fucking bitch! Didn't even apologize?"
"Yeah. I mean, she could've at least offered to be a replacement."
"Why would a champion marry-"
"I was Lee Sin."
"Okay, fine. But I'm pretty sure those two are on opposite factions."
"Look, Lee Sin is overpowered, has a toned body, and knows martial arts. What more could you need, especially when you're a bloodthirsty bitch that should fucking take a chill pill and learn to fucking read the mood before jumping in and killing someone's wife, like Katarina?"
"You really hate her, huh?"
"I'd still tap her."
"Seriously? Even though she killed your wife?"
"Okay, scratch that. My wife was way hotter."
"I thought I was sexist, but you just take it to another level."
"So you admit you're sexist. Finally out of the closet, huh?"
"I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore because I know shameless bastards like you are around."
"On second thought, my wife's dead, so yeah, I'd still tap Katarina."
"I don't even know what to say to that."
"So anyways, after that, I booked it out of Summoner's Rift with my dead wife and tried to get her identified before I buried her."
"You wanted to console the family?"
"Console a potential sister, yeah."
"You're losing any respect I had for you. Every second now."
"I found out what faction she was in, so I decided to join up as a minion."
"So, that's how you got here, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Why'd you want to join, though? Did you want to avenge your wife's death?"
"Nah, nothing like that."
"Oh. So, you just wanted to find a purpose in all your random fighting and killing."
"Well...no."
"What the fuck. Why'd you come here then?"
"Well see, while I was researching information about my wife, turns out she was already married."
"..."
Caster bent down onto his knees and buried his face in his palms for a couple minutes.
"You alright?"
"Just...just stop. Stop for a minute. I'm trying...I'm really trying..."
"Okay. I'll let you sort things out."
Eventually, Caster took a deep breath and stood back up, his face composed and his spirit calm.
"Okay. So your wife was married before you eloped. How's that involved with your decision to become a minion?"
"Well you know, I'm a nice guy, right?"
"...I guess."
"I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I mean, damn it, after that bitch Katarina killed her, I cried for an entire week."
"You loved her that much?"
"Yeah. I mean, she was a minion that was hotter than a champion! You never see that, man!"
"You don't feel a thing, desecrating your dead wife like that?"
"I'm not desecrating her. I'm showing respect and admiration. Being hot isn't a fucking crime. It's something to be praised. It shows the time and effort a woman goes into preserving or enhancing her natural beauty. If you try and skirt around that issue, you're being a douchebag."
"Okay. I was out of line."
"Yeah. So shut the fuck up."
"I'm seriously going to kill you."
"Anyways, I'm a nice guy. I thought her husband might like to know who killed his wife."
"So you just wanted some other moron to try and kill Katarina."
"Is that how you see me? Am I just some two-bit scumbag you find off the street or something?"
"Look, we've only been talking for like fifteen minutes and you've already made me wish I never met you."
"I thought we were friends, man. Or at the very least comrades that can trust in each other."
"We are. Comrades, I mean. Trust doesn't have anything to do with my opinion of you. I'm perfectly willing to trust a guy who can impersonate Lee Sin so skillfully."
"You really mean that?"
"Fuck yeah."
"You're a real bro, man."
"You're praising me too much."
"No, really. You're a bro. You even got angry at me for making a stupid move today. I mean, not everyone would bother to do that. You really care."
"Stop. Just stop it. You're going to fill my head with hot air."
"I respect you. I hope you know that. Out of all the minions here, you're the one I can trust the most to have my back."
"Cool down there, Melee. You're really giving me too much credit."
"Don't try and be modest, Caster."
"I'm not! I'm just a simple minion! Don't make me out to be a champion or anything."
"Well, you're not."
"I know."
"But you know what, Caster? I think minions are underappreciated."
"What? Where's this coming from?"
"Think about it. How many waves die every day because the fucking champions are too busy waiting for last hits? I mean, look at all the lives sacrificed in vain because a fucking champion doesn't want to push the lane."
"Well yeah, but that's what we're here for."
"And they'd rather take Flash to save their own ass instead of having Promote. What kind of joke is that?"
"Look, we're just fodder. Our base stats suck and our health is even lower than Ashe's."
"Dude. Don't compare us to Ashe, man."
"Look, I know she's completely useless now that we've got Sejuani since she's not even worth using as a utility character anymore, but she's still a champion-"
"You don't call that shit a champion. I mean, she got her place jacked by a tank. Even though she's an AD ranged carry!"
"Champion meta aside..."
"Right. So like I was saying, minions today are underappreciated. We need some sort of labor force to guarantee our rights."
"Rights? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Like the right for us not to get hit by the turret. I mean, we're doing all the fighting and the champions are just being pussy snipers from the back. I think the turret should focus only on the champion, because damn it, we need to establish that we're soliders, not fucking meatshields!"
"What do you think this is, World in Conflict? This is how it's always been and this is how it's always going to be."
"I know you care when one of our comrades die! Or else you wouldn't have told me off about it earlier!"
"Of course I care! Who wouldn't? I'm not a cold-hearted prick like fucking Irelia, who starts a teamfight and then Ghosts the fuck away."
"Or fucking Twitch, who has full health but just sticks around cloaked so he can get the kill once everyone else dies."
"Yeah. But anyways, look. We're just minions. We're not even Super Minions. We can't do squat except tank the turret and kill other minions."
"That's why we should also have the right to get a real buff. I mean, some champions go from 500 health to fucking 4000 just because they grab Warmog's and level up to 18. Seriously, if we could level up 18 times or buy items, we'd be in way better condition."
"That'd ruin the point of the battle, you moron. Champions have the spotlight, like in Dynasty Warriors. You don't see any of the soldiers there wrecking the main fighters, do you?"
"Even the bots are getting a buff. When the hell are we getting buffed? I mean really, come on! We make the battlefield a battlefield! If we weren't there, then it'd just be a bunch of pussies fighting each other and bitching about how every single ultimate is OP."
"We give our lives up to let the champions win. We're meant to be in the backstage. Can't you just let it go?"
"No way! I refuse to just die on this battlefield like some worthless worm! I mean, I couldn't even do a thing to save my wife. She got killed in a single shot because Katarina was too drunk up her ult to realize it was the wife of a Lee Sin look-alike. How do I protect the people important to me? How the hell am I supposed to fight for my causes or stick up for my rights if even Ashe can kill me? I can't even consider revenge because there's no way in hell a minion is going to kill a champion. Even if I somehow started kicking a champion's ass, they can just run behind their own minion line or the turret like little girls hiding behind daddy."
"Alright, alright, you've made your point. And you know what? I fucking agree with you. Your wife got killed by a champion, but nothing's going to happen to her because Katarina can just beat the shit out of us by auto-attacking. We need to stir shit up and get your voice heard."
"Seriously. You know what I think? I think we should just boycott from leaving the Nexus perimeter. We should just hang there, play cards, and let the spawning system mass up. Once we max out the map like on Starcraft, then we go fuck a champion up and show them who's boss!"
"That's actually not a retarded idea. Alright, I'm up for it."
"We'll get Katarina first too!"
"Avenging your wife right off the bat? You've got guts, Melee."
"Nah, man. It's the least I can do. She was your wife first, after all."
Caster froze up and blinked several times.
"...What?"
"Your wife. You know, the one that disappeared in the battle a couple months ago? Yeah, that was my wife."
"..."
"We're like bros-in-law, man."
"..."
Caster walked over to Melee's lance and pulled it from the ground.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to go fucking kill Katarina."
"Hey, use your own magic wand thingy, okay? I have to go kill her too, you know?"
"We're going now."
"What? Wait, are you freaking serious?"
"That bitch is going to pay."
"Dude, she's a champion. Wait until the boycott-"
"I don't fucking need a boycott to avenge my woman," said Caster as he walked off the Nexus perimeter and into the battlefield.
"Hey! Hey, get back here! You're making me look like a pussy!"
Caster ignored him and continued marching down the middle lane.
"Dude...seriously! You're going to get killed!"
There was only silence as Caster's form vanished from sight.
"..."
Melee looked back at the Nexus perimeter, where the rookie minions were playing cards. Any second now, a new battle was going to start. Leaving right now was tantamount to suicide. No minion had ever braved a route alone. It was impossible. It was built in the rulebook.
"...Ah, jeez. Fuck it! Let's go."
Melee swung his shield onto his back and ran off after Caster.
"Hey bitch, wait for me!"
This was the beginning of the two minions' quest for revenge.
A/N: For those new to the story, it should be noted that this story was written around season 2. Many, many things have changed since then.
