Author's Notes: This fic is a sequel to my first multi-chapter comedy on this site, Rumble & Frenzy vs. Everything. I ended that fic because I was out of ideas for impotent invader jokes, but fortunately I still have ideas for alien abductee humor! I hope I have an audience for this, because sometimes I do like writing adventure comedy to break away from the more dramatic fics I usually write. A big thank you to those who clicked on this story. I hope you enjoy it, and review if you feel like it. Anyway, enough rambling. Stanley vs. Everything! :)
Chapter 1
The Care & Feeding of a Human
This whole ordeal seemed like a surreal nightmare. Stanley was just an ordinary guy a couple months ago. To be fair, he never did have the best luck, but the past two months just seemed to prove that the universe hated him. First he got drunk and fell off the side of a cruise ship. Then he was stranded on a desert island for a month. Then he was kidnapped by two mean little Decepticons named Rumble and Frenzy, and now he was their master Soundwave's new pet. Yeah, at this point it felt like life had a personal vendetta against him.
The journey to the Nemesis had been a terrifying one. Soundwave held Stanley in his fist as he flew over the ocean for miles and miles. Stanley, having already nearly drowned once, was afraid the Decepticon would drop him into the water for a laugh. Rumble and Frenzy liked messing with him. Why would Soundwave be any different? He breathed slowly and said nothing lest he anger his new master. That was not easy considering how much Stanley liked to talk.
After what felt like an eternity, a purple spire rose from the water and opened to admit Soundwave and his passengers. Soon they were swallowed up into the building, and Stanley had to readjust his eyes to the dark interior. Even as Soundwave stood there in the hangar Stanley could feel the entire section of ship sinking back down into the ocean. His ears popped, and he swallowed hard to try to keep from complaining about his discomfort.
Soundwave exited the hangar once it had stopped moving, and soon he was walking down the halls. He passed several other Decepticons, but they all seemed content to ignore Soundwave. Stanley even noticed a couple of them eyed Soundwave warily and one even walked on the other side of the hall to avoid Soundwave. That was not a good sign. His new master was scary even by giant robot monster standards! He was so doomed.
When Soundwave finally made it to the bridge to report to Megatron, he deposited Stanley on one of the consoles before approaching the silver warlord. Stanley didn't know what this meant, but he kept quiet and didn't move. He tried to cheer himself up by at least thinking to himself that Megatron wasn't as scary as his old manager at Comcast. That old battle axe had serious issues.
"Soundwave, report!" Megatron demanded.
"Operation recovery: successful," Soundwave replied in an eerie monotone, "Rumble and Frenzy: returned. Cargo acquired: one human male. Request to keep human alive for further study."
"Study?" A red and silver Decepticon Stanley didn't know sneered; his voice like nails on a chalkboard, "Since when do you care about anything outside of your job? You're about as scientific as an abstract painting!"
"Status of cargo: gift from Rumble and Frenzy," Soundwave explained, "Permission to retain acquisition, Megatron."
Stanley almost laughed at how absurd this scene actually was. Soundwave, a giant robot that could kill an entire city just by knocking over the buildings, was asking his boss if he could keep his new pet. Stanley pictured Soundwave as a little boy asking his dad for a cute puppy that followed him home, and suddenly this didn't seem quite so scary.
"Normally I don't like earth germs contaminating my ship," Megatron told Soundwave, "However, since you're one of the few soldiers I can actually trust around here," He pointedly glared at the red and silver mech as he said this, "Then I will allow you to have one human as your personal property. Just keep him out of anything important and don't bring in anymore of them. You may have one earth hour to get the creature settled. Dismissed."
"As you command, Lord Megatron," Soundwave replied, and then respectfully bowed before leaving with his prize.
Stanley sighed dejectedly. It had been decided. He now belonged to Soundwave. On the bright side he would live, but that was a small consolation when he thought about spending the rest of his life as a slave for an emotionless robot. Hm...maybe he should ask about sick days…
It had been a little over an hour since Soundwave had left Stanley in the berth room. He was alone, everything was too high for him to reach, and the door wouldn't open for him. In short, he was bored.
He thought about when Rumble and Frenzy first captured him. Say what you want about them, at least they knew how to have fun. This Soundwave guy seemed as stiff as a board. Stanley wasn't an adrenaline junkie or anything, but he did like to do things. Even being forced to work seemed like a better outcome than being left to rot like an old banana. When was Soundwave coming back?
As if his mind had willed it, Soundwave returned in that moment. Stanley actually jumped a little at how perfect the timing was.
Okay, so now he's back. Stanley thought to himself. Now what is he going to want me to do? Oh god, what if he probes me? I'm too young to be probed! Or maybe he'll drain my blood and rip out my guts! Oh man, what do I do!?
"Human," Soundwave addressed Stanley.
"I gave at the office!" Stanley suddenly shouted, but then laughed nervously at how random that must have sounded.
"Human: come forward. Operation: consumption," Soundwave ordered.
"Consumption?" Stanley repeated, "Um, you can't actually eat me, right?"
Soundwave kneeled down, and Stanley cringed in fear of being squashed. Instead of killing Stanley though, Soundwave held out his hand to reveal a brown square.
"Oh, um, okay...what is that?" Stanley asked in confusion.
"Human fuel," Soundwave explained, "Operation: consumption."
"Oh. Oh! You mean you want me to eat that!" Stanley exclaimed in realization, "Okay, eating. That I can do!"
Stanley breathed a sigh of relief and then took the square of food out of Soundwave's palm. He sniffed it. It had no smell. He bit into it. It had no taste. It was like trying to eat one of those headache pills you're supposed to swallow. This stuff was terrible!
"Where did you get this garbage?" Stanley complained.
"Human fuel: made by Constructicons," Soundwave explained.
"Um, okay. Can I get something else?" Stanley asked hesitantly.
"Negative," Soundwave replied, "Consume human fuel, or starve."
"Yes, sir," Stanley replied miserably before taking another bite of the substance he was going to describe from then on as a brick.
Soundwave watched the human eat; his visor and face mask giving away no emotion. Stanley was a little creeped out by this, but he didn't say anything. He wondered what the Decepticon was thinking. Humans liked to watch their pets eat. Maybe robots liked to watch their pets eat too. Maybe he thought Stanley was a slob. Maybe he was thinking about robot bunnies. Stanley smiled when he thought about that one. Unfortunately, no amount of robot bunnies would make this brick taste any better.
The next day brought with it its own challenges. Stanley awoke from the cold metal floor where he slept and rubbed out the pain in his extremities. Soundwave was already up and typing away at his computer terminal. Stanley's stomach was growling at him, but he didn't want to ask Soundwave for breakfast. He knew it would just be another brick.
"Human," Soundwave called Stanley, "Today's assignment: clean berth room floor."
Soundwave then took a small bucket and sponge out of his subspace. He then gave Stanley a bottle of chemicals to put in the bucket for cleaning the floor. Stanley sighed but didn't voice a complaint. This was nothing compared to his old job as a hero sandwich delivery boy. At least here he didn't have to see naked people in open robes answering the door. Yeah, the naked ones were never pretty for some reason.
Soundwave left Stanley alone to clean the floor, and the put-upon human got to work. He might not have liked living here so far, but he knew he had to get used to it. That Decepticon was the only thing standing between him and death by Megatron's foot. He shuddered at that thought and then started scrubbing harder to drive away the fear.
He crawled under the berth since he figured the floor would be dirtiest there, and that was when he saw a beautiful sight. It was an air grate, and it was open! Stanley could escape! He didn't know where he would go, but he had to at least try.
Leaving his sponge and bucket, Stanley began to crawl. The air vents were covered in algae and rust for some reason, and it made Stanley wish he had brought the sponge so he could wash his hands. When he remembered that he was underwater and started thinking about sponges, he found himself humming the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.
It took several minutes before Stanley found another opening. This one led directly to the bridge, and wonder of wonders, it was empty! No one was guarding the computer console, which meant if Stanley could get down there he could make a phone call. This was perfect! He could finally call for help!
Stanley gingerly lowered himself from the grate, but he was still dangling ten feet from the console. Gulping and hoping for the best, he let himself drop down and landed on the keyboard with a thump-clack-clack-clack. He breathed in and out several times, and then looked around nervously to make sure no one had heard him. They had not.
Smiling to himself, Stanley began to dial a number. Soon he would get the help he needed...
Ring.
Ring.
"...Hello? Pizza Castle," A lady on the other end said automatically.
"Hello, Pizza Castle? I'd like to place an order for delivery," Stanley replied, "I'd like a large salami pizza with a pretzel bread crust and a 2 liter of soda. Oh, and some bread sticks! Charge it call to the credit card filed under the name Stanley Slouse."
"Okay, and what is your address?" The lady asked.
"Um, actually, I'm about 600 feet under the ocean aboard the Decepticon warship," Stanley replied sheepishly, "The Nemesis. I'll pay any extra fees for delivering underwater."
"Very funny," The lady replied irritably, "What is your real address?"
"I'm not kidding!" Stanley exclaimed, "I'm really being held hostage by the Decepticons. They feed me food that tastes like drywall! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"You can order carryout," The lady suggested.
"Didn't you hear me? I'm being held against my will by giant killer robots from outer space!" Stanley shouted helplessly.
"Then why didn't you call the police?" The lady asked critically.
"Because they don't deliver pizza!" Stanley replied as if it should be obvious, "Besides, I don't know how much to tip a cop. Do you even tip a cop? Do cops deliver donuts? Help me, I'm dying over here!"
There was a click on the other end indicating the pizza lady hung up. Stanley let out a frustrated groan and plopped backward on the giant keyboard. If he survived his punishment for shirking his cleaning duties he was still probably going to be eating brick food for the rest of his life. Oh no. What if they punished him by somehow making the food taste even worse? What if they made him eat ten bricks per meal? The thought made Stanley scream!
"Hey flesh bag!" A voice from the air vent hissed, "Stop shoutin'! You're gonna wake up the whole Nemesis!"
Stanley looked up to see Frenzy crawling through the vent and staring down at him.
"Frenzy?" Stanley practically squeaked.
"I see you found our spyin' tunnel," Frenzy remarked with a sly smirk, "Grab my hand. I'll pull you up before someone sees you down there."
"Are you going to tell Soundwave about this?" Stanley asked nervously.
"Maybe. Maybe not," Frenzy replied mischievously, "Tell ya what. I'll cover for you, but you have to do somethin' for me."
"Why do I get the feeling it's dangerous?" Stanley asked pathetically.
"Because you're not as dumb as you look," Frenzy replied impishly, "Now come on! If you're caught down there when the others get back from their mission you're gonna have to be scraped off the floor with a spatula!"
Stanley gulped at the warning and then held up his arm for Frenzy to grab. He knew whatever it was Frenzy wanted was going to cost him big time, but he didn't really have a choice. It wouldn't have been so bad, except he didn't get his pizza.
