"We will wait here a few more days for Carver. If he doesn't show...we will leave."
"Thank you, love," Leandra Hawke flashed her eldest daughter a relieved smile.
"Are you sure about this, Rachel?" Bethany Hawke joined her mother and older sister, glancing apprehensively towards the southern horizon as she spoke.
"You should take mother and leave with the Cooks, Bethany. I'll wait here for Carver."
Leandra narrowed her eyes as she faced her eldest daughter, "No. I will not abandon two of my children. We are family and we stay together."
Rachel Hawke fell silent for a moment, taking in the sights and sounds of her fellow townsfolk rushing through the village of Lothering, gathering their most important possessions in preparation for the long trip north. Earlier that day, scouts warned the Templar commander, Ser Bryant, that the darkspawn horde approached Lothering; they estimated that the horde would arrive in mere days. Ser Bryant ordered for the evacuation of the town after receiving this information.
A few soldiers from King Calian's army returned from the slaughter at Ostagar; her younger brother, Carver, wasn't one of them. She wished to protect her mother and Bethany but knew in her heart that Carver probably died in the battle. Realistically, leaving immediately with the Cook family to travel north was the best course of action, ensuring both her mother's and Bethany's safety. The 'perfect' outcome involved waiting a few more days in the hope that Carver miraculously survived the battle, and then fleeing as a whole family, saving everyone. Hawke always expected nothing short of perfection from herself; an unsurprising trait considering her father had always expected the same...
"We'll all stay here and wait for Carver," she finally responded to her mother, still unsure of the decision.
"What about Jenna?" Bethany asked her sister, surprised that Hawke seemed so willing to stay behind without considering her girlfriend. Jenna Cook was Hawke's first sweetheart, first lover, first everything that had anything to do with love. The Cook family planned to flee Lothering as soon as possible and offered for the Hawke family to accompany them. Carver's continuing absence spoiled those plans and the lovers were destined for separation.
"I need to say goodbye. I'll be back shortly." Hawke left her family standing in their yard, both watching her as she disappeared around the corner. The walk over to the Cook's farmhouse seemed to take an eternity since her legs felt like lead. She grew ill; her stomach twisted in knots; sweat beaded on her left temple. Hawke didn't know how to say goodbye properly to someone that meant everything to her. Even though barely twenty years of age, she decided that Jenna was the perfect woman for her and would never need another. The fact that a relationship as strong as theirs could end so abruptly frightened Hawke.
She found Jenna inside her family's farmhouse. Hawke explained the situation to her lover, remaining distant and stoic at first. The conversation quickly ended with Jenna sobbing while Hawke held her tightly, assuring her that someday they would see each other again.
Hawke slouched forward in her chair by the fireplace, head resting on her hands and elbows sitting on her lap. She knew the position was bad for her posture but was too melancholy to care. Memories of those final days in Lothering haunted her still. Even four years later, she held on tightly to her regrets over decisions made and things left unsaid. She often wondered how her life would have turned out differently if the family left Lothering with the Cook family. Bethany would still be alive though Carver would probably be dead. She felt incredibly guilty and sorrowful over her sisters death. Not only because her decision to wait for Carver ultimately led to her sister's early demise at the hands of the darkspawn but also because she knew Bethany lived in her own ever present and oppressing shadow. Rachel Hawke's father placed her on a pedestal as the example of the perfect little aspiring mage while her mother doted on her and claimed that she was the perfect daughter and young woman. They expected Bethany to look up to her big sister while emulating her in every way and the younger Hawke sister did just that. In her youth, Hawke enjoyed this kind of attention. Looking back as an adult, she realized how unfair it was to Bethany; tragic that young woman never had the chance to grow into her own person. Then Carver ran off to join the Templars after she returned from the Deep Roads, further breaking an already troubled relationship.
Hawke sighed and stood up from her chair. She proceeded to walk over to the library in the Amell estate and haphazardly glanced over the books resting on the nearest shelf. She thought about Jenna. Hawke knew that the relationship with her first lover would still be intact if her family had left Lothering earlier; the perfect couple living the perfect life together. She had since moved on and even dated another woman for eleven months a few years prior. After that relationship ended, Hawke focused all her energy on her mother and reclaiming the Amell estate in Hightown, remaining single throughout the past year.
Against her will and better judgment, she slowly developed strong feelings for her best friend, Merrill. She believed the chances of her ever having a romantic relationship with the elf equaled the chances of her brother speaking to her ever again on friendly terms; or the chances of Varric running out of stories. Merrill was an eccentric woman who never seemed to show romantic interest in anyone. It seemed odd to think of the elf taking a lover but that didn't stop her from falling for her. They had always been close friends; sharing an interest in magic, history, and other academic activities. Furthermore, Hawke appreciated Merrill's quirky yet bubbly personality, never fearing a dull moment around her. When Hawke was in yet another of her ridiculously self-critical moods, she could always count on Merrill to lift her spirits by simply being Merrill. On top of all this, Hawke found the elf's exotic looks quite irresistible, even when compared to other elves.
Hawke would never pursue Merrill, believing any attempt would inevitably fail for many possible reasons; most notably, the fact that Merrill seemed uninterested in such things . Hawke was the type of person who refused to play a game if she knew she couldn't win. Hence, why she never played cards with Isabela.
The troubled noble woman desperately needed a boost to her spirits after spending most of the morning in front of the fire reflecting on her past failures, however, things were a bit troubled between herself and Merrill ever since the incident in the Fade.
A week ago, Hawke, along with Merrill, Isabela, and Fenris, agreed to enter the Fade in order to free a young elf-blooded mage from a handful of demons that made their home within the dream-like realm. Both Isabela and Merrill succumbed to demonic influence, making a deal with the spirit; kill Hawke and the demon would give them their hearts desire. She forgave Isabela relatively quickly and told Merrill she forgave her as well. She lied. Merrill's betrayal hurt her deeply, further confusing her feelings for the elf. Hawke knew full well how the Fade can affect an individual's perceptions and make people behave differently from their usual selves. Ultimately, she knew it was unfair to hold Merrill to a higher standard than Isabela, even if she was a mage and more trustworthy in general. However, those things had nothing to do with her disappointment with Merrill. Her personal feelings clouded her judgment; she believed their friendship powerful enough to overcome such a trial. It now seemed even more unlikely Merrill could ever return her affections.
Hawke finally decided to leave the estate and go visit Isabela or Varric at The Hanged Man. Since gaining a noble title, Hawke didn't get the chance to hang out at her friend's favorite watering hole nearly as much as she used to. She grabbed her cloak, swinging it around her shoulders and pulling it close to her neck, as she exited the estate.
Hawke entered The Hanged Man and surveyed the main room for Isabela. She spotted her friend sitting at a table against the back wall but she had company. Merrill sat across the table from Isabela and listened intently as the pirate spoke with very animated gestures. Hawke would have turned and left the pub if Isabela hadn't spotted her. She waved Hawke over and motioned for her to join her at the table. Hawke had no choice but to concede to the offer even though she'd rather avoid the tension with the Merrill issue.
"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Have a seat, Hawke," Isabela gestured for Hawke to sit down. Merrill quickly glanced up at Hawke before turning her gaze onto her entwined hands. Hawke sat down on Merrill's side of the table without acknowledging the elf.
"Anything new, Isabela?"
Merrill suddenly spoke as she quickly hopped up from her seat, "I think I'll visit Varric now. I'll let you two have some privacy."
"You don't have to leave us, Kitten. It's not like we are going to talk about you," Isabela winked as she directed a smile over at Merrill.
"I know but I just remembered that there was something I wanted to ask Varric...about his crossbow. I wonder if he sleeps with it at night...Anders once told me that he does. I'm not sure if Anders was serious or if..."
"You know Varric refuses to give out the juicy details about Bianca."
"I know...but I'll try. I was just thinking about it earlier and...I should just shut up and go." Merrill hastily turned from the table and scampered up the stairs towards the upper rooms of the tavern.
Isabela took a quick drink from her mug and turned to Hawke with a puzzled expression on her face.
"I don't think Varric's in his room right now. She's been acting odd recently," Isabela chuckled, "Well, more odd than usual. You've been off yourself, Hawke. You both ignored each other just now...what's going on? Did something happen with you two?"
Hawke leaned forward, placed her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands. She let out a heavy sigh, "Yes...the Fade happened."
"I thought you were over that? Does this mean you're still upset with me?"
"No, I'm not upset with you at all."
"Well, that hardly seems fair. Why aren't you angry with me and just Merrill?"
"I don't know. For starters, you aren't a mage...and, you know...honestly, I'd be surprised if you didn't take the demon's offer for the ship."
"So you're saying I'm not trustworthy?"
"It's not that you are not trustworthy it's that Merrill's more trustworthy..."
"Oh, you sure do know how to make a woman feel good about herself. When was the last time you were with a woman? How many years has it been now?"
"Very funny."
"No, seriously. You're gorgeous but so damn uptight all the time. You just need to get some and all your problems will be solved."
"It's not that simple, Isabela. Not every problem can be solved with sex."
"No, but it will make you feel good. Then you will forget about the problems. Simple."
"I'll pass."
"Why don't you grab a pint and join me in a game of cards. I'll let you win, I swear."
Hawke groaned into her hands.
Isabela sighed, her face showing concern for her friend, "Just go talk to Merrill about what happened."
"I have already and I told her I forgave her."
"But you lied about it and she knows in that pretty little head of hers that something's still wrong between you two...she wouldn't have made up some lame excuse to leave just now if she didn't."
"I know and I will speak with her. I just need to clear my head first."
"It's more like you need a wallop mallet to the head."
"I wouldn't mind that at all. I'd be unconscious and free of this shit for some time."
"You're a mess; look at you...swearing like a sailor...go take a walk around Hightown. Sitting in here and brooding won't help."
"Yeah, you're right. Thanks." Hawke rose from the table and left the tavern. The talk with Isabela succeeded in causing her more guilt over her unfair treatment of Merrill. Perhaps a walk around town would help clear her head?
Isabela ascended the stairs in The Hanged Man and made her way towards Varric's room. As suspected, the door to his room was closed shut and Merrill sat on the floor leaning her back against the wall on the right side of the door, arms wrapped around her legs and her knees pulled up to her chin. Merrill, lost in contemplation, didn't notice the human approach.
"You've been sitting here the entire time, Kitten?"
Merrill flinched nervously at the sound of Isabela's voice and quickly jumped up from her sitting position on the floor.
"I was...Varric's not here so I decided to wait for him. I'm sure he'll be back soon, don't you think?"
"Why didn't you come back downstairs and wait with us at the table? The ale stained benches are cleaner and more comfortable than these dirty floors."
"Oh, I didn't want to be a bother. Hawke doesn't talk to me that much anymore and I didn't want to make things more awkward by saying something wrong and then you wouldn't like me anymore either. Hawke shouldn't talk to me anymore after what I did. I can't believe I...oh, you probably don't want to hear this again because you were there when the pride demon...no, no you weren't there anymore because of the desire demon..sorry, I'll stop talking now."
"Calm down, Kitten. Take a breath." Merrill appeared on the verge of tears but did as Isabela asked, taking one very deep breath. "Think for a moment. We both turned on Hawke in the Fade but she's still acting the same around me. It's just with you it's different. Why is that?"
"Because she likes you more than me? I would feel that way if I was her. I'm a bit dull."
"You know that's not true. You two were always off together doing...mage things...whatever you people do."
"Those things are boring...at least you said they were boring once."
"It's not boring for you two. You can talk about that stuff for hours."
Merrill rubbed her face with both hands. "I know...but that's the only thing I can talk about without saying something monumentally stupid and I bet it gets boring after awhile. I don't have any entertaining stories like Varric does and I don't say the funny and dirty things that you do. I have nothing interesting to say when Hawke and Anders discuss the Templars and I'm not 'broody' like Fenris," Merrill dropped into her Fenris impression she saved only for Isabela, Varric, and Hawke, "You can never understand my pain! It's carved into my flesh; burned into my soul. This evil magic!" Merrill stopped the impersonation, "Varric says that human women love that sort of thing."
Isabela chuckled, "Not all...I think that annoys the pants off of Hawke."
Merrill blushed a light shade of pink, "Why would Hawke take her pants off when she's annoyed?"
"Not literally, Kitten. Look..." Isabela's features grew soft with concern as she continued, "...don't worry about the others. I would bet my ship...if I had a ship...that she likes you the most out of any of her friends. I'm not sure why she's acting funny but I will find out for you."
"Oh, thank you, Isabela..."
"You should try and speak to her yourself."
"I can't do that. I mean, I already tried. I apologized and said I would be careful and that it would never happen again. I must have said something wrong."
"No, Hawke's just being an ass."
"Hawke's not bad...she's no Bartrand at least," Varric suddenly appeared behind Isabela. "What are you two doing here...hanging outside my room?"
"Discussing things," Isabela eluded the dwarf's question with a vague reply.
"Hawke? What's she up to now?"
"We don't know yet," Isabela wrapped her arm around Merrill and started to lead her away from Varric, tossing a wink at the dwarf, "We'll leave you to your...nightly adventures with Bianca."
