but dust and shadows
"Pulvis et umbra sumus (We are but dust and shadows)"
-Horace, The Odes of Horace
Disclaimer: Don't own Castle. Still. I doubt Marlowe will give me the rights, but a girl has to hope :)
It was a dull Thursday afternoon. The rain was pouring and Jenny Ryan swore she could see thunderclouds in the distance. In all honesty, it was a normal New York afternoon, filled with dismal, unhappy people wandering the streets, homeless people asking for money, businessmen walking home, tourists desperately looking for a cab in the wretched weather that eight million people called home. But this particular Thursday afternoon felt especially gloomy to Jenny Ryan.
She had spent the day like she had spent every day for the past week, staring at the phone. Sometimes she would get up to use the bathroom or to pour a glass of water, but she always returned to the plush leather chair by the phones. Kevin had explained to her that they were working on a really tough case, and although he never said it, there was the unspoken tone of fear in his voice.
So Jenny waited. She waited for a call she hoped would never come. She hoped with every last fiber of her existence never to see Javier Esposito's number come up on the caller ID, hoping that she wouldn't hear his voice, rough and grief-filled, saying "he's dead," on the other side of the line. That was the price that came with being a cop's wife, she could always expect that phone call.
So when the landline did ring, Jenny nearly had a heart attack. She reached out one shaking, pale hand from under the blue argyle blanket that warmed her, bringing the hard piece of plastic up to her ear.
"Hello," she whispered, voice shaking.
"Hey, Jenny!" A plucky, female voice said.
Jenny frowned to herself. "Darla?" she asked inquisitively.
"Yeah, honey, it's Darla! Why? Who'd you think it was, silly?" she asked, her voice a nice comfort to Jenny, who let out a relieved giggle.
"No one," she said, releasing a bit of tension in her shoulders.
Darla, her old college roommate, chuckled on the other end of the phone. "Well, okay then, Jenny. I just wanted to let you know that I'd be in town this weekend, and I was wondering if you wanted to get together?"
Jenny sighed happily. "I'd like that. Is there anyway I can call you back a little later though? My husband's almost home."
Darla clucked on the other end of the line. "Okay, honey. Talk to you later."
Jenny promised that they would connect later, and she hung up the landline. Letting out a loud huff of relief, Jenny switched on the television. A reality show that Jenny had never heard of was on, and Jenny turned it down so she could hear the rain outside. She listened to the comforting noise, losing herself in the gorgeous weather, ignoring the reflection of mid-40s women arguing about men on her face.
She smiled to herself as she saw Kevin's car drive down the driveway. She squinted to see his face, but she couldn't make it out in the rain. She went up to the door to greet him, but instead, she found herself face to face with someone else.
"Javi," she breathed, accidentally running into his chest. "Is Kevin okay?" she asked quietly.
He nodded, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "He needs you," the taller man whispered.
"Why?" she asked suspiciously, her eyebrows knitting together. But Javier didn't respond. He just walked through the rain, stepping into his car. Jenny jammed her swollen feet into her rain boots, threw on her raincoat that was a little too tight around the middle, grabbed an umbrella, and she ran out the door.
Javier drove for about an hour in silence. Finally, Jenny worked up the nerve to speak up.
"Javi, we passed the precinct over half an hour ago," she said nervously.
"I know," he whispered, his nearly silent, husky voice was scaring her.
The sun was just beginning to set as Javier Esposito pulled up at a small, wooden fishing cabin surrounded by police cars. Jenny saw Kevin pacing back and forth in front of the yellow tape, a terrified look on his face. She ran towards him, Javier lifting up the yellow tape so she could walk through unhindered, and he held her close.
"Jenny," he whispered into her ear, burying his face in her soaking wet blonde curls.
"Kevin, please tell me what's wrong!" she exclaimed, worry creeping up her throat like a thousand spiders that he just wanted to kill for her, but he couldn't seem to. "Why am I here?"
Calmly, he let her go. "Kate needs to ask you a couple of questions," he says, trying to stabilize the shaking in his voice.
"Why, Kevin? What's going on?" Jenny was starting to get really scared.
Just then, Kate and Richard Castle emerged from the front door of the cabin. Kate took Jenny's hand, and led her inside. Those outside would note hearing a shrill scream, one that could have only come from Jenny Ryan's lips.
Kate wrapped her arm around the petite blonde girl, comforting her, hugging her even though she was soaking wet. The two of them stood alone in the cabin as Jenny cried into Kate's shoulder.
Hanging from the pole above the cash register, feet just inches above the ground, was Kevin Ryan.
Of course, it wasn't really Kevin Ryan, just someone that looked like him, but they really looked like him.
"Why did you show me this?" she whispered into Kate's arm.
Kate sighed softly, switching into comforting mode. "We needed to ask you a couple of questions about Detective Ryan. Also, Javi thought it would be best if Kevin had a shoulder to lean on," she added as an afterthought.
Jenny thought about this for a moment. This must have hit him harder than it hit her. Instantly she felt awful. She rushed outside and pressed her lips into his cheek, hugging him as tight as she could bear. He smiled and wrapped his arms gently around her, no umbrella covering them from the downpour of water, bouncing harmlessly off of their shoulders.
When she finally did let go, Richard Castle came over with an umbrella. Kate followed in his footsteps. Jenny smiled gratefully at the Detective and her partner. Kate smiled back, wrapping a soaked arm around the smaller girl's shoulders.
"Come on, Jenny. Let's get you dry."
Roughly an hour later, she sat alone in the question room with Kate. Jenny had insisted on being questioned by Kate, saying that Kevin needed to rest, and plus, she really liked Kate Beckett.
"Where did you and Detective Ryan meet?" Kate asked calmly.
"College. But we didn't start dating until five years ago," Jenny supplemented.
"How long have you two been married?"
"Two years," Jenny said, gulping back a sob.
Kate hummed softly. The noise relaxed Jenny. It sounded like the way her mom used to hum to her when she was a baby.
"Does he have any tattoos or scars?" Kate asked calmly.
Jenny nods softly. "No tattoos, but he has a scar from where he got his appendix out. It's about an inch long, a silver shade, down his right hip," she whispered, unhappy with sharing such personal information.
Kate frowned, her pink lips parting ever so slightly with concern. "Does it look like this?"
She pulled a glossy photo out of a manila folder. She passed it to Jenny, who held onto it nervously, her hands causing the photo to shake vigorously.
"Yes, yes! It looks exactly like that!" Jenny said, her voice filling with worry.
"Okay, Jenny, I think that should be all," said Kate, an unfamiliar tone to her voice.
"That's it?" Jenny asked, voice incredulously high.
Kate nodded softly, stepping out of the interrogation room.
Jenny wondered nervously if her family would ever be the same again.
"Hey girlfriend," a new voice said.
Jenny looked up from where she had been tangling her fingers together to be met with the kind face of Lanie Parrish.
"Oh," she whispered. "Hi Lanie."
"You okay, honey?" Lanie asked, taking the seat across from her in the break room.
Jenny nodded unconvincingly. Then she began to shake her head so fast it looked like her blonde curls were going to go flying. Tears began to stream out of her blue eyes at light speed. Lanie wrapped her arm comfortingly around her shoulders.
"How am I supposed to…" she gulped, "we supposed to cope with this? How did you do it, Lanie?"
Lanie sighed softly, standing up and walking over to the cupboard. She pulled out two mugs, filling one with coffee, and the other with milk. She put the milk filled one in the microwave, setting the time and resuming her seat.
"Sweetie, I can't give you the answers to all of the world's problems, I'm only human myself," she said kindly, brown eyes sparkling. She smelled like cinnamon and she glowed like a star. After a brief pause of silence, the microwave beeped and Lanie stood up, softly treading over to the counter. She pulled out the cup, tapping cocoa powder into it, stirring it up and she brought it over to Jenny.
"Like I said before, I can't tell you how to live your life, but I can tell you what we did," she said, pausing only to take a sip of coffee. "Javi and I struggled at first, but we're working on it. Our… relationship, it isn't perfect, not by a long shot," she said, laughing, "but you know how hard it is to mend a wound of this size, any girl knows that. But we lean on each other. That's what the definition of love is, or even friendship. It's having someone to lean on, someone to help mend you."
Lanie stood up, patting Jenny's shoulder softy in farewell, and she left the blonde woman alone.
Jenny sat for a moment, sipping at her hot chocolate, and through the blinds she saw Kevin, sitting hunched over at his desk. She tapped the window softly, waving at him. He looked up, his blue eyes sparkling, a smile on his face, as he waved back at her.
And, with any luck, maybe they'd be okay.
To Be Continued
