AN: Just a little something my friend requested. I only jumped on the idea because it involved possible and much Kenshin-angst, and as you will all soon learn, I LOVE torturing bishounen to death.

Warnings: Mentioned character death, angst, possible chance of shounen ai undertones towards the end if my muses take advantage of the situation…

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. But I am currently collecting as many of the DVDs as possible. Please excuse any OOCness, because I have only seen so much of the series.

Still the Same to Me

It had been a long day.

Yahiko had taken the news with difficulty, almost breaking down and crying in front of him. Sanosuke just stared at him in numbness before walking off, muttering he wanted to be alone, and Megumi had instantly rushed to him, hugging him and crying onto his shoulder.

He had been numb. He had spoken as if nothing had happened, and by that point, Kenshin didn't care anymore about how unaffected he sounded. Having seen similar and even worse scenarios in his life, it wasn't new. To see a crumbled form of a woman, bathed in blood, was not something that would have phased Kenshin at all if it had been back during the revolution. The fact that it was now, in the Meiji Era, and that it had been someone he knew, someone he had promised himself he would protect—that was what disturbed him.

What disturbed him more was the fact that this was not the first time this had happened. But now, as he walked into the room of the Dojo that he now had the right to call his, the tears Kenshin had been hiding from himself worked their ways to the surface, giving him no chance to stop them as they made a break for it. Sighing, his breath shaking due to his choked sobs, Kenshin collapsed onto the floor, his sakabato clanging noisily to the ground beside him.

"Damnit…" he hissed, clutching at his head, his eyes squeezed shut, his nails digging into the feather-light skin of his scalp. "Damnit…!" He wanted to punch something, wanted to scream, wanted to go back and make everything right again.

He couldn't. He could never make anything right, and he could never do anything right. He couldn't protect the people he loved around him. Kaoru's death just assured that fact. Useless…utterly and hopelessly useless as a wanderer, as the pacifist, that he most certainly was if he couldn't even protect Kaoru. She loved him. It was so plain to see that—the same look had been in her eyes right before she died. And Kenshin had let Kaoru die. He could have saved her from her premature end—if only he had reacted in time, if he hadn't let her come along….

It was his own foolishness—he didn't expect his opponent to be of someone with such skill that Battousai had nearly unleashed himself from Kenshin's tight control. She was following him, to make sure that he was all right. Sighing again, his sobs calming down to silent tears, he should have known she would, and should have told her to stay behind. As the duel grew heated and more and more attacks were being thrown with every intention to kill, Kenshin failed to notice how his hold was slipping, how Battousai was fighting to break free, and how Kaoru had suddenly seem determined to stop everything.

"Stop it, Kenshin! You can't allow yourself to become the Battousai again!"

…Again, his sword had been unable to prevent the shedding of innocent blood. Again, his sword had shed perfectly innocent blood. He had disgraced the name of Hiten Mitsurugi, disgraced his master, and most of all, disgraced the memory of Tomoe.

"A manslayer is a manslayer until the day he dies."

"I am not a manslayer," Kenshin whispered, shaking his head, trying to block out the words that every one of his opponents had muttered to him at some point. "I will never be a manslayer again."

But you killed, Battousai argued. Isn't it true that if you killed again, you would become a manslayer again?

"I wasn't the manslayer," Kenshin muttered, "that I most certainly was not."

You still killed.

"Be quiet," Kenshin ordered. "I didn't want to kill her. Just like you didn't want to kill Tomoe."

At that, Battousai remained silent, disappearing into the recesses of Kenshin's mind. With no one to talk to, not even the darker side of himself that Kenshin no longer wished to associate with, he was truly alone. There was no more Kaoru to ask him what was wrong; there was no one who would badger him into talking about it. Sanosuke, Yahiko, Megumi…they'd leave him alone, thinking he needed space when he really needed was a shoulder to cry on.

"Ken-san? Are you in there?" Megumi's hesitant voice called out through the thin door. Kenshin snapped his attention towards it, remaining silent, wondering if she would open the door. As much as he wanted someone to talk to, Kenshin wouldn't allow himself to speak. He was afraid that his voice would be different, that it would be Battousai talking instead of himself.

"Megumi, Kenshin probably doesn't want to talk to a woman right now," Kenshin heard Sanosuke's rough voice intervene.

"But he's been so quiet, Sanosuke. It's unnatural."

"Jou-chan—" Sanosuke's voice hitched just a bit, causing Kenshin to wince because he knew Sanosuke's pain was his fault, "Jou-chan's death probably has hit him the worst out of all of us. Did you see his eyes? As numb as he sounded there was still so much pain in them."

Kenshin couldn't help but to smile tiredly, picking up his bloody sakabato and place it over on the other side of the room. He didn't want it to be near him, and the farther away the less chance it had of staining him with even more blood.

"Do you think you should go talk to him?"

"I don't think he wanted to talk, Kitsune," Sanosuke muttered, "but he needs to. He can't sit around and mope in his room. He has to get over it."

"But…aren't you hurt, too?"

"Of course I'm hurt! Jou-chan was like a sister to me!" Sanosuke sighed, and Kenshin heard the door move just a bit, and he looked up expectantly. "Do you mind, Kenshin, if I speak with you?"

Kenshin shook his head and motioned Sanosuke to sit down beside him. "What is it, Sanosuke?" his voice sounded exactly the same, and for that Kenshin was relieved.

Sanosuke's eyes widened before they narrowed at him. "You know damn well what I want to talk about, Kenshin. How can you just sit here and do nothing?"

"Because it's all I can do, that it is," Kenshin whispered, sighing and looking up towards the ceiling. He didn't bother plastering on a fake smile; he knew Sanosuke would see through it as if it were glass. "I'll miss her…"

"We all will," Sanosuke whispered, his voice softer than Kenshin's, it's normally rough edge to it gone and replaced with a soft sadness. Slowly, Kenshin felt a hesitant arm be placed around his shoulders and leaned into the touch, finding himself cushioned against Sanosuke's chest. "What are you so afraid of, Kenshin? I can see the fear in your eyes."

Kenshin sighed, ignoring the closeness shared between himself and Sanosuke, closing his eyes and resisting the urge to nuzzle further into Sanosuke's chest. "I am not afraid, Sano. Just merely worried."

"That the Battousai within you will gain control again?"

Kenshin didn't bother to conceal neither his shock nor his gasp as he turned his head upwards, gazing into Sanosuke's eyes. "You know?"

"Kenshin, you're still a wanderer to me," Sanosuke said, choosing his words slowly, carefully. "You haven't changed. I know you had to be the one who…killed Jou-chan—the way you held your sakabato, how shadowed your eyes were with pain and guilt… I'm surprised no one else saw it."

"But I killed her, Sano," Kenshin returned hoarsely, looking away, closing his eyes tightly again, clutching at Sanosuke's strong arms as they pulled him closer. "I killed her! I killed someone! I said I'd never kill again—and since I killed again, I'm a manslayer once again, that I am…" His words were feverish, rushed and jumbled together, but they died as his voice did towards the end.

What happened next Kenshin would never understand, but Sanosuke tilted Kenshin's chin so they were looking each other in the eye. All Kenshin could see was the utmost sincerity, and he knew what Sanosuke was going to say next. "You will always be the same Kenshin to me, even if you've become a manslayer again. And I doubt you have—look at you, Kenshin, you're so upset over killing Kaoru. A real manslayer would be revealing in his deed, you're scared shitless from it."

Kenshin couldn't help but to manage a small smile, almost pulling himself out of Sanosuke's arms before snuggling into the younger man's chest, sighing. "Sano…can you stay here tonight? With me?"

Sanosuke just answered by tightening his arms around Kenshin, whispering, "Of course, Kenshin. I had planned to," as Kenshin found enough calm within himself to allow sleep to come to him. It wasn't peaceful, but it was a bearable one with Sanosuke's arms around him.