AN: Psychic!Jim, Jim/Spock, child abuse, mentioned potential child sexual abuse.
No matter how many times his mother would tell him she loved him James Tiberius Kirk never believed her.
When she would tell him she loved him, eyes cast to the side as she said so, he would just stare at her blankly and tell her ",Its okay Mommy if you don't like me." Because he knew no matter how many times those words came out of her mouth that she did not feel that way about him. Because he could feel it, the HateDisgustLoneliness that she thought he couldn't feel but he could.
But it was okay because she was his mother and although she may not love him he loved her.
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Jim did not know when he started feeling what he would later figure out to be others emotions. He supposed he had been feeling them all his life really. That's really why he didn't care if his mother hated him. He was used to it feeling it his entire life. He didn't know better, really.
He didn't know how to shield his mind, something he learned about reading a book on Psi-Active races, so he couldn't control his 'powers'. He didn't know really what to call them. They were more than just telepathy he was able to feel people's emotions even without touching them, able to influence others emotions as well. He supposed he might be an empath and telepathic.
In the end he decided to just call himself a Psychic.
Jim has never really hated anyone. Really he didn't have opinions on anyone, even his brother who he sometimes feels WarmthAffectionLove from. But when his mother remarries he immediately hates his new stepfather. He can feel the HateLustAnger so hard that it slams up against his mind. He huddles, curled into a ball in the corner of the closet. Tears streaming down his face as his head hurt the intensity of the emotions hurting far more than they ever have before, even from his mother. His hands are at his temple scratching dark red streaks, blood streaming down his face as he for the first time wishes that he doesn't have these powers that he couldn't feel the intentions of a man who should have taken care of him.
Jim Kirk wished he wasn't a Psychic.
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He always managed to avoid Frank by sensing the emotions he always had around him. Though he hasn't been touched, indeed hasn't been touched by anyone ever since he was a child since through contact his empathy and telepathy is stronger, he's scared in ways that one would attribute with abused children.
Was that what he was? He knew the way his mother treated him was wrong barely looking at her youngest and drowning herself in the bottle. He knew the way Frank thinks of him is wrong. But he can't do anything about it and so Jim resigns himself to this life.
Sometimes Jim dreams of a starship and a crew who is his family. He dreams of a dark haired man with pointed ears who loves him so much with such intensity that Jim nearly cries in his sleep.
Jim wakes up in the morning after the dreams thinking they are just that, dreams, not knowing that he was seeing his future.
It gets to the point where he has to wearing gloves to stop himself from accidentely getting touched and seeing the thoughts and emotions of others.
If he gets teased for them, he doesn't let it affect him.
Terran children are tested for their Psi-Levels when they are 10 years old even though more often than not they all manage to barely register on the scale. When they come up Jim skips school for the first time.
He decides, in a moment of madness, to take Franks antique car out for a joy ride and drive it off a cliff.
He doesn't need his empathy to see how disappointed his mother is in him. So his mother decides that sending him off to stay with relatives off planet would help him he almost jumps at the chance.
When he arrives on Tarsus IV the emotions his relatives feel for him is AnticipationLoveHappiness so he allows himself to feel for the first time in years.
He is happy for 3 years until suddenly the Love he feels is replaced by FearHungerDesperation. And he dies a little on the inside.
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He takes care of the children who have survived the massacre. At first all he feels is AfraidHateSadness. As the days go on the emotions lessen to a light dull feeling and he feels something else from the other eight children he has taken in as his own and protects with fierceness.
He has not touched others in many years. But these children, his children, he holds tightly hugging them tightly against his body.
And when he does so he feels the WarmthLoveHappiness they feel.
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They are saved six months later and he is forced to leave his children and return to Iowa where all that awaits him is an empty house, Sam had run away years ago, and a Stepfather who looks at him as if he is a piece of meat.
He takes a page out of his brother's book and runs away .
