Letting go. Said is easier than done. Soi Fon knows that she should stop hating Yoruichi for leaving her. Afterall, hating her only made her feel msierable. What good have came out of hating her? The insane training sessions that she forced upon herself? The label"ice queen" the other shinigamis given her? The association of everything cold, heartless and calculating? Without a doubt, hating her made Soi Fon into a person with only one goal in life. That is to take down the one who abandoned her a centuary ago with her own hands. To prove once and for all that she, Soi Fon, is superior to Shihouin Yoruichi. She prayed everyday that she can find the strength to let go the the relationship she had with her mentor. Everyday she struggled to come to terms with ther abrupt leaving. Everyday, she failed. Each time she failed, her hatred for Yoruichi increases by a little and her frustrations with herself increases exponentially. Now, she regretted trying to let go. Maybe, life would be a tad easier if they hadn't kissed. Then she would never know that Yoruichi felt the same for her. Her feelings will always be buried and locked in the deepest recesses of her heart and their relationship will always be strictly platonic. She stumbled across a poem by accident.

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

--Elzabeth Bishop

Reading it, she feel as though she is in the author's shoes The similarity of their situations made Soi Fon wish she too could master the art of losing. Like the author, she acted as though Yoruichi's leaving meant nothing to her. She wears a mask everyday to shield her true self from the world. To hide the hurt and pain that she is suffering. Yet, she knows very well that deep down, it hurts. She wished there was a way out. All she wanted to do now was to hole up in her room forever, curled up into a ball and wish the pain would go away. But no, she, Soi Fon, is the captain of the 2nd squad, Supreme Commander of the Secret Mobile Corps and the Chief Commander of the Correction Corps. Though all she does is paperwork and more papaerwork, her presence was required at every training session and every meeting. She guess the only good thing that came out of Yoruichi's leaving is the fact that she obtained her bankai and discovered shunko. Even so, Soi Fon knows that she would give up both her bankai and shunko in a heartbeat if that is what it takes to keep Yoruichi from leaving. To her, life without Yoruichi is a nightmare. One that have became a reality, a nightmare that she cannot wake up from. And now, she is sucked into the vortex of hate and pain. A place where revenge is the top priority. A place where she don't really want to be. It made her into a person she is growing to detest. The art of losing is really too hard for her to master.

AN: it's suppose to be part of "if only u knew" but I cant seem to find a place to fit it. guess it can be an alt ending to it. pls read and review! all reviews are appreciated flames included!

peace,

shane.mc