A/N: Hi hi! New story! If you want to check out my other ongoing one, it is Defying Order and it is a GaLe fanfic! This one is more on the dark side. If you want a more light hearted fanfic, I would suggest you read that one instead. This one is really tragic and dark as you probably saw in the description. But I hope you read this one too!

Words: normal

Words: Erza's Journal

9/10

Some days, I feared for my grades. Other days, I feared for my reputation. But most days, I feared for my life.

When my English teacher handed me this journal, she told me,

"Don't be afraid to write what you really think, Erza." The scary thing was, she stared directly into my eyes as if she knew something about me, something I didn't know. The funny thing is, this was 5 years ago. I never had the motivation to sit down, open up this journal, and actually write. I had other things on my mind: grades, boys, the normal girly things. That, however, was back when I was in the third grade. I was living a carefree life. But then… but then…

"Well well well, look who we have here." A high pitched voice cackled. Erza looked up from her book slowly. The owner of the horrible voice was a tall and snarky looking girl. Her bright pink hair was cut in a bob, framing her face nicely. Erza could see her blonde roots coming back in, proving that the girl's pink hair was dyed, something that the said girl denied all the time.

"I would appreciate it if you would leave me to my studies, Mary." Erza replied politely with an underlying tone of animosity.

"Or else what?" Mary sneered. "Will you kill me like you did to your so called best friend?" Erza gripped her book tightly, so tightly that her already pale hands turned white.

"I think you hit a nerve, Mary." One of her accomplices giggled. The trio of oddly colored haired girls began to cackle evilly in a soft manner, almost as if they thought their cackling was light and feminine. Erza pressed her lips together tightly, willing herself to stay put.

"But you don't want to do that, do you, Erza dearest? You don't want to get in trouble with the police again, do you?" The trio cackled once more.

"If you would kindly leave me alone, Mary, I am trying to study." Erza said again, giving Mary a sweet smile. Her eyes were different, however. Her dark brown eyes were a whirlpool of coldness. The glare that Erza subtly sent Mary sent chills down the pink haired girl's back. Her accomplices saw it too and pulled Mary back nervously.

"She's a murderer." One of them whispered.

"You need to stay away from her. She's dangerous." The other whispered. Mary quickly turned her back to Erza and walked away briskly, her high heels clacking on the wooden floor. Once the trio was gone, Erza sighed heavily and looked down at her book.

The bell rang, signaling the end of the day, and Erza went to put her books away in her locker. DIE. She sighed when she saw that word written on her locker in bright red paint. She quietly opened her locker, ignoring the profanities being thrown at her.

"Stay away from that *****" She heard friends tell friends. She saw boyfriends hugging their girlfriends closer to them when she passed by.

"I heard that she murdered her best friend because they liked the same guy."

"She's a jealous butthole."

"She's a nobody that tries to be somebody."

"She killed someone to get attention."

"She's a psychopath."

"She grew up in a mental institute."

Erza kept her composure all the way to her house. She unlocked the door and went in quickly, bolting the door behind her. She climbed up the stairs wearily to her attic bedroom. She threw her backpack on the ground and sunk to the floor beside her bed, burying her head between her knees.

"What did I do to deserve this?" Erza whispered to herself. She reached for the picture frame in front of her, the one that had a permanent home on the ground. She picked it up and stared at the photo. "Milliana, what did I do to deserve this? I-I'm sorry!"

I don't know how much longer I can stand it, Millianna. You told me that you forgave me. You knew that I didn't mean to do it. I was just trying to protect you, trying to protect us. I know what I did was simply out of self defense. But you weren't there. You weren't there to testify for me at court. You weren't there to help me through rehabilitation. Because of me.

My parents don't talk to me anymore. They leave me breakfast on the table and money for lunch. They come home and cook me a dinner. We sit there at the table and eat in silence. And after I return to my room, I hear them yelling at each other. I don't know what they say. I put on my headphones and block it all out. I don't want to hear it anymore. My world is upside down now, Millianna. My dreams of becoming valedictorian or the student council president are crushed. It's not because of you, obviously. It's because of me. I am who I am, and that isn't enough for this world. I'm not good enough for this world. No one will love me for who I am. No one will try to understand me. All they will see in me is the girl who killed her best friend. The girl who killed her best friend. The girl who killed. The girl…

You see… Most people like me… They end up killing themselves. They pick up that knife or that bag of pills and they use it to take their own lives. I would do it. I would. But I am not strong enough to do it. Somewhere deep inside me, I want to be stronger than that. To be the strong one that lives. The one that stands up against all these people and become SOMEONE. That despite all this, I can become who I want to be. I want to be that person. For now, I can just sit here in my room and cry for hours. No one will accept me because I am The Girl.

"Hi!" Erza continued writing in her practice book, finishing the extra credit exersices since she had nothing better to do.

"Hellooooo?" Erza looked up to see a pink haired boy looking down at her impatiently.

"Were you… talking to me?" The boy looked exasperated.

"Uh YEAH? Who else would I be talking to, the window?" She looked around the room to see that no one else was there.

"…Are you new?" she asked the pink haired boy.

"Yup! Natsu Dragneel! I just transferred. I wanted to see what the school was like so I got here kinda early. I wasn't expecting anyone to be here though. And you're in my class too! That's cool! And oh are you doing homework? Wow so early in the morning? You must be really smart. I'm not that smart you see. My dad always told me to get my head out of the clouds and actually do some work. He thought that taking me to martial arts would make me want to concentrate more but it actually just made me crazier. Not that I don't like martial arts. Martial arts is actually a really good way to relieve your stress."

Erza's eye twitched. This Natsu kid was ruining her perfectly wonderful silence with his nonsense chatter. The stranger thing was that he was actually talking to her as if she were a friend, not a despicable murderer.

"Hey, do you think you can be my guide?" Natsu interrupted her thoughts. She was taken aback.

"Um. I would think it would be better if you found yourself another guide. I am not the best choice when it comes to these things." He blinked a few times.

"Why not? You seem smart and you seem to know your way around as if you've been here before, which you have because it's already a week into school, right?" Erza's eye twitched again.

"If you value your school life, you will stay far away from me, pink haired boy."

"It's salmon, not pink!" Natsu protested indignantly.

"Whatever it is, stay AWAY from me." She growled, then stood up quickly and walked away.

"Hey wait!" She heard him run behind her and she quickly broke into a sprint, clutching her books to her chest. She had the upper hand since she knew the school and quickly ran to a secluded area where no one would find her. She sighed and sunk to the floor, her back against the wall. That Natsu boy had better stay far away from her if he wanted to be accepted in this school. A few minutes later, the first bell rang. She returned to class and took her seat in the back. Natsu was introduced to the class and placed in a seat near the front. Erza sighed in relief. It was nice that he actually talked to her, but she was used to her solitude and she wanted this Natsu boy to be safe. He seemed untouched by her horrid world and she wanted him to stay that way.

There was too much behind me for Natsu to be involved with me. That would only be putting his life in danger. I didn't want him to be involved in my mess… I was already on careful watch from the authorities because of…the incident. Even if he tries to get closer to me, to be my friend, I'll push him away. I will let other people see him with me. I will let them tell him of my mistake. Then, he'll stay away. They all do. There isn't one that stays. Not one. No one. No one stays… Even my parents… they don't support me.

If someone were to ask me how I was doing and asked me to answer honestly… I would say that I was feeling horrible, lonely, upset, and absolutely tired with life. I'm tired of being shunned, of being left behind for someone else. I'm tired of being the outcast and the one that no one wanted to be friends with. It was like this even before Millianna's death. But… that's a story for another day.