MODERN FAMILY "A DATE WITH KYLIE"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY
Mitchell is in the car with Claire in the passenger seat.
CLAIRE
Watch the car in the other lane. You're getting too close!
MITCHELL
(annoyed)
You know I have been driving for over a decade now, I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.
CLAIRE
(suddenly)
Watch that car!
MITCHELL
(braking)
What? What are you doing?
CLAIRE
Are you blind? You were about to hit that car!
We see that there is a good amount of space between Mitchell and the car in front of him.
MITCHELL
Are you kidding me? There's a whole football field between us and that car. You know you always do this.
CLAIRE
Do what? I'm not doing anything?
MITCHELL
This! You're always micromanaging everything I do, and you always have to find something wrong with the way I do it.
CLAIRE
I resent that. I do not micromanage.
MITCHELL
Oh please, Claire. I grew up with you. You are the biggest -
CLAIRE
(suddenly)
Car! Car! Car!
MITCHELL
Will you stop! Of course there's a car! It's a road! There are cars everywhere!
MITCHELL INTERVIEW
MITCHELL
Ever since we were kids Claire has always tried one-upping me. She likes to point out what I'm doing wrong so that she feels better about herself. She's always been the competitive one,
(then)
which is why she and my dad get along so well. She really is the son he never had.
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY
MITCHELL
(turning radio on)
You know what, maybe we should just listen to some music.
CLAIRE
Fine. Whatever you say, Driving Miss Daisy.
MITCHELL
What's that supposed to mean?
CLAIRE
Nothing. It's not supposed to mean anything at all, Mitchell.
MITCHELL
You're such a brother sometimes, you know that?
CLAIRE
Yeah, and you're such a sister. What's your point?
MITCHELL
My point is -
CLAIRE
You know I clearly remember you saying that you wanted to listen to the radio.
MITCHELL
OK, keep interrupting me and I will throw you from this moving vehicle.
MITCHELL INTERVIEW
MITCHELL
I love my sister to death, I really do, but sometimes I wish the worst on her. Like maybe she'll stump her toe just as she's getting up in the morning and her day would be ruined. That would be enough for me.
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY
RADIO DJ (V.O.)
Alright guys, that was Ms. Kylie Minogue...
CLAIRE
Kylie Minogue? Geez, where has she been all these years?
MITCHELL
Probably back in Australia. She's from there, you know.
CLAIRE
Why do you always have to be such a know-it-all? Kylie Minogue is not from Australia. She's British.
MITCHELL
Are you really gonna debate me over my knowledge about Kylie Minogue? A gay icon in her own right?
CLAIRE
Oh, oh here we go now with you. Mr. I-know-all-things-gay.
RADIO DJ (V.O.)
There must be something in the water down in Melbourne because this Aussie star's still got it.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
This proves nothing.
CLAIRE INTERVIEW
CLAIRE
Ever since we were kids Mitchell has always been trying to one-up me. He just loves trying to prove how much more he knows just to feel better about himself. He's always been the competitive one,
(thinks, then)
although he and my father don't see eye-to-eye on that. Huh, I really am the son my dad never had.
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY
RADIO DJ (V.O.)
I have, in my hands, two tickets to Kylie's outdoor concert this Saturday night. The next lucky caller will become the proud owner of these puppies.
CLAIRE
(scoffs)
I don't even remember the last time Phil and I had some time to ourselves, let alone went to a concert.
MITCHELL
Oh, Cam hates concerts. The hassle of finding a good parking spot, waiting for the artist to come on stage two hours into the show, the standing, the people. You name it, he hates it.
RADIO DJ (V.O.)
And who do we have on the line with us?
CAM (V.O.)
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Did I win? My name is Cameron Tucker! Did I win?
Mitchell and Claire look at one another.
CLAIRE
Mitchell, car!
Mitchell then rear-ends a car in front of him. He turns to Claire.
MITCHELL
(to Claire)
This proves nothing.
END OF ACT ONE
[SPACE BREAK]
ACT TWO
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Phil is in the KITCHEN on the phone. He hangs up angrily.
PHIL
Dang it! This always happens!
Alex enters.
ALEX
(to Phil)
You OK, Dad?
PHIL
(nonchalant)
Oh, hey honey. No, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine.
ALEX
You sure? Did mom forget to give you your medication?
PHIL
What? I don't take medication. What are you talking about?
A beat.
ALEX
Never mind.
ALEX INTERVIEW
ALEX
We all know my dad is on some kind of medication. I mean you've seen the guy. There's no way someone with his behavioral traits is normal.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
ALEX (CONT'D)
Well if you need me I'll be upstairs reading.
PHIL
Upstairs? Today's Thursday, why aren't you in school?
ALEX
Dad, we've been off this whole week.
PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL
Do I always remember to tell my kids I love them? Yes. Am I always there for them? You bet. Do I always pay attention to them? Not really, but hey, it happens. That's what I like to call parenthood.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Alex exits. Cameron enters, giddy and bubbly.
PHIL
When did you get here?
CAM
Phil, I've been here for two hours now. Did Claire forget to give you your medication?
Phil looks at Cam with a straight-face.
CAM (CONT'D)
Anyway aren't you gonna ask me why I'm, and I'm using this in a very technical sense, gay?
PHIL
Is this a trick question?
CAM
Gay as in happy, Phil. Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm happy? Claire needs to really up your dosage, doesn't she?
PHIL
I am not on medication!
CAM
(motherese)
Of course you're not! Now listen to this, I have just scored two, repeat two -
PHIL
Two.
CAM
- tickets for Mitchell and I to go see Kylie Minogue in concert this Saturday!
Cam lets out a giddy squeal while Phil remains straight-faced.
PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL
I wanted those tickets. I wanted to take my wife to that concert so we could get away and enjoy ourselves, and so I could meet Kylie and profess my love to her.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
PHIL
(nonchalant)
Wow, Cam. That's great. Man, Kylie Minogue, huh? I didn't know she was still around. How old is she? Pushing 60?
CAM
That's a little harsh, Phil. Kylie is barely 48.
PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL
I got news for you, Cameron; Kylie Ann Minogue is not 48 she is 46. Check your books. I did.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
PHIL
Ouch, 48? I'm thinking it's time to hang up the walker, grandma. Am I right?
Phil lifts his hand looking for a high-five.
CAM INTERVIEW
CAM
You know I feel for Claire, I really do. I mean we all know that Phil isn't the brightest color in the Crayola box set, but sometimes I can't help but to feel so bad for that woman. To put up with that on a daily basis must be nothing short of a miracle.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Cam slowly reaches up to high-five an over-excited Phil. Claire and Mitchell then walk in through the front door with Jay, Manny, and Gloria who is carrying a sleeping Fulgencio.
MITCHELL
All I'm saying is that Claire is a backseat driver.
CLAIRE
Oh so now I'm a micromanaging, backseat driver? Real nice, Mitchell.
GLORIA
(shouting)
Hey! You are going to wake my little Fulgencio with all your screaming and the shouting! Enough!
Claire and Mitchell stop fighting. Fulgencio starts crying.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Ai! You see what you do?
Gloria then walks off cradling Fulgencio while mumbling in rapid-fire Spanish.
CLAIRE
See what you did?
MITCHELL
Me? That was all you!
CLAIRE
No sir, that was you.
MITCHELL
Was not!
CLAIRE
Was to, Mitchell. We all heard you.
JAY
Will you two knock it off? It was both of you.
JAY INTERVIEW
JAY
We're having a little problem with termites at our place, so Claire and Phil are letting us shack up with them for the time being. I'm beginning to regret that decision already.
Jay then walks off as well, mumbling under his breath. Claire and Mitchell walk into the KITCHEN where Phil and Cam are.
PHIL
Hey honey, how was the car ride?
CLAIRE
It was interesting. Very interesting. Never a dull moment with my family.
MITCHELL
It was very interesting indeed, especially once we heard a certain someone on the radio (to Cam). Cam, what was all that about?
CAM
(to Mitchell)
Did you hear? I won us tickets to go see Kylie Minogue in concert!
CAM INTERVIEW
CAM
I have a gift for winning radio prizes. I really do. When I was younger I went to see Bon Jovi in concert because I was the one-hundred and fifty-fouth caller. I'm very persistent. Later that same year I was banned from every calling that station again. Their loss.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
MITCHELL
I thought you hated concerts.
CAM
Oh Mitchell, don't be such a stick in the mud.
CLAIRE
(to Cam)
That's exactly what I was telling him. I mean it's been so long since Phil and I had a chance to do anything like this.
CAM
(to Claire)
Now that's just sad.
(to Mitchell)
You see, Mitchell? Do you want to end up like them?
CLAIRE
What?
CAM
Not now, Claire.
MITCHELL
I'm just asking a few questions is all. Nothing wrong with that.
CLAIRE
(gasps)
Light bulb!
MITCHELL
(whispers, to Cam)
I thought that one burned out years ago.
CLAIRE
Maybe we should all go to the concert.
PHIL
Yes! Yes, I totally back this great idea! Superb idea, Claire.
Everyone turns to Phil.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I mean you know, it sounds like something we could consider.
CLAIRE
Anyway, I was thinking that we could just make this a date night for us adults. It would be great to get out and do something fun.
CAM
That sounds like a terrific idea. And being the great planner that I am, I could plan our evening.
CLAIRE
Well I was thinking maybe just dinner and the show.
Jay enters the KITCHEN.
JAY
What's going on in here?
CLAIRE
Hey, Dad. We were just thinking of planning a night out for us this Saturday. Just the adults.
JAY
The adults, huh? I assume Gloria and I are invited then?
CLAIRE
Of course.
JAY
Damn.
CLAIRE
You don't have to go if you don't want to.
JAY
No, no. You told me now I have to tell Gloria and she's gonna want to go.
Gloria enters the KITCHEN.
GLORIA
Tell Gloria what?
JAY
Claire has plans for us this Saturday night.
GLORIA
Plans, huh? Is this another one of your plans to take me to the class for the bad drivers? Because my driving is not bad!
PHIL
(to Gloria)
Oh, no. No, your driving is great, Gloria. Come here.
Phil walks over to Gloria for a hug.
CLAIRE
OK, you know what.
Claire then pushes Phil to the other side of her.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
No, Gloria we are not taking you to defensive driving.
MITCHELL
(whispers, to Cam)
Although it wouldn't hurt.
CLAIRE
There's going to be a concert in town and I was just telling everyone that we should all go. Just the six of us.
GLORIA
That's what you said last week when you took me to the class for the bad driving!
JAY
Who's playing?
CAM
It's Kylie Minogue. I won two tickets to see her.
MITCHELL
Yeah, Dad. Kylie Minogue. Gay icon. There'll probably be a lot of gay there so you probably wouldn't -
JAY
We're in.
CAM
Really?
PHIL
Wow, Jay. I didn't know you were a fan of Kylie.
JAY
Eh, she's not my top choice in music, but she's not too bad on the eyes.
GLORIA
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Who is this K-K -
CAM
Kylie Minogue, sweetie. Say it with me: K-Eye-Lee Min-rhymes with Vogue -
MITCHELL
Cam.
GLORIA
Whatever. (re: Jay) Who is this woman and why do you suddenly want to see her, huh?
GLORIA INTERVIEW
GLORIA
The last time Jay went to see a woman he made her his second wife.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
JAY
This coming from the woman who has a hot flash every time a Roberto or Alejandro show their chest on those soap operas you watch.
GLORIA
Don't change the subject.
JAY
(shaking head)
We're in.
GLORIA
Fine! You can just have a baby with the K-K -
CAM
Kylie.
GLORIA
Whoever!
Gloria then exits the KITCHEN.
JAY
She'll be fine.
CLAIRE
OK, so we're all set then, right?
CAM
Have you checked for tickets? The concert's only two days away, so you might want to make sure there's still enough available.
Phil pulls his phone out.
PHIL
Well it's gonna be a close call, but if we act fast then we should be able to snag some.
Everyone turns to Phil again.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What?
Haley enters.
HALEY
Hey mom, can I have a friend over Saturday night? I have a group project we're working on and it'll just be the two of us.
CLAIRE
Sure, honey. What's her name?
HALEY
Nate.
PHIL
Huh. That's a very 'him' name for a 'her'.
HALEY
Don't freak, but Nate is a guy.
CLAIRE
Yeah I think I got that part.
HALEY
So he can come over?
CLAIRE
(to Haley)
You know we don't allow boys in the house.
HALEY
But you guys will be home, so what's the problem?
CLAIRE
Actually we won't be here Saturday night. We have plans.
Alex, Luke, and Manny enter.
ALEX
You guys have plans? To do what?
LUKE
Is saying you have "plans" just another way of saying you guys want some love-making time?
CLAIRE
(to Luke)
No. No, it doesn't mean... that.
Phil then smirks and pulls Claire closer to him by her waist.
PHIL
This time.
HALEY
Gross.
Claire pushes away from Phil.
CLAIRE
What your father means is that we have plans-plans.
ALEX
Where are we going?
CLAIRE
No you kids aren't invited.
LUKE
They are talking about love-making time!
CLAIRE
Luke! We are not talking about that. Cam, Mitchell, Jay, Gloria, your father, and I are going to a concert Saturday night, and we're gonna need you to babysit Lily and Joe.
HALEY
A concert? I thought everyone you guys used to listen to died out.
The adults all glance to the camera.
CAM
(to Claire and Phil)
Did I ever mention how charming your kids are?
MITCHELL
Actually, kids, we're gonna go see a woman by the name of Kylie Minogue.
ALEX
Who?
MANNY
Kylie Minogue. A pop star who found prominence in the early 90's and 2000's. Her hit "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was voted most catchiest song ever.
Everyone turns to Manny.
MANNY (CONT'D)
What? I'm a sucker for fun facts.
JAY
Oy vey.
HALEY
Ugh, this is so unfair! You guys are all old! You don't need to go to a concert!
Haley then storms off.
CLAIRE
Right, so anyway...
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - STAIRCASE - DAY
As the adults go back to talking, Alex exits the KITCHEN. Haley stops her on the stairs.
HALEY
Listen, I have a plan. You may not like it at first, but just hear me out, OK?
ALEX
I'm listening.
HALEY
I was thinking of inviting a few people over while mom and dad are out.
ALEX
A few people being?
HALEY
A few friends, this one guy named Nate.
Alex scoffs and begins walking past Haley, but is stopped.
HALEY (CONT'D)
Wait, you didn't let me finish.
ALEX
I don't need to. It's always the same thing with you, and I'm not gonna be a part of this. If you're going down, you're going down alone.
HALEY
Alex! You have to help me.
ALEX
Give me one good reason why I should.
HALEY
Because I'm your sister and even though we pretend to hate each other we both know we'd do anything to help the other out.
ALEX INTERVIEW
ALEXX
She may be one chromosome away from literally being a stick in the mud, but Haley definitely has her moments.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - STAIRCASE - DAY
ALEX
That was a really good reason.
(sighs)
What do you want?
HALEY
OK, so I want to invite this guy over, but I think the best way to go about it is through a group setting. Nothing big, just a few people. They'll be in and out.
ALEX
What do I get out of this?
HALEY
Two words: Sebastian Diaz.
This seems to register with Alex.
ALEX
How'd you -
HALEY
We're sisters. I know everything. So are you in?
ALEX
I guess. But what about Lily and Flu... Ful... Joe?
HALEY
Don't worry. We'll dump them on Luke and Manny.
END OF ACT TWO
[SPACE BREAK]
ACT THREE
INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING
Cam and Mitchell are in their bedroom talking as they finish getting dressed.
MITCHELL
I just don't see why we couldn't do something else like go see a movie or, you know something that doesn't involve abnormally fit men rubbed down in baby oil parading around on stage.
CAM AND MITCHELL INTERVIEW
CAM
Mitchell has always been a little self-conscious about his physical appearance.
MITCHELL
Well it's not just about my physical appearance. Hiding a piece of who you are for so long tends to do some damage to your self-esteem.
CAM
OK, Idina Menzel. Let's tone down the Wicked.
MITCHELL
Are you telling me you've never been self-conscious about yourself?
CAM
Well of course, but I had to get over that and start loving myself early on in order to be the man I am today.
INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING
CAM
Oh Mitchell, stop being such a Debbie-downer. It's just a few short hours and then we'll be right back in the comfort of our home.
CAM INTERVIEW
CAM
I'm sure this is more than a self-esteem issue, but I'm not one to pry. I know Mitchell and I know just how long he can go on with the silent treatment. The man takes it to a whole other level.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - EVENING
The camera pushes in to the Dunphy home.
CLAIRE (O.S.)
Phil, are you ready?
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
(to Haley)
Now remember; I don't want any boys in this house, I don't want any parties,
Luke walks by with a pack of matches. Claire grabs them from him.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
I don't want any fires.
HALEY
That happened like once, Mom. It's time to move on.
CLAIRE
(to Alex)
I don't want you letting your sister out of your sight. You're the good one, the responsible one, the one I know I can always count on.
Alex seems to become a little uneasy.
HALEY
Don't you worry about a thing, mother. We have this all under control. Right, Alex?
ALEX
(nervously)
Right.
Gloria enters the room holding Fulgencio.
GLORIA
(giving Fulgencio to Haley)
Here Haley.
Gloria gives the baby to Haley who kind of winces away at first.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
I just fed him not too long ago, so you need to burp him later. Then you can put him to bed.
Phil enters.
PHIL
Alright people, let's get this Loco-Motion on the road!
Jay and Gloria start heading out the door.
GLORIA
Bye-bye, Manny! Take care of your brother!
JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW
GLORIA
Hopefully Phil is the only one missing the screw in the head.
JAY
I wouldn't count on it.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Claire starts heading to the door.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
Loco-Motion?
PHIL
It's a Kylie reference, let's go.
Phil rushes Claire out the door.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Bye kids! Be good! No fires this time!
Phil exits the house.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - FRONT YARD - EVENING
Cam and Mitchell pull into the driveway and get out of the car with Lily.
CAM
(to Lily)
OK, honey. We're gonna be gone for just a few hours and then we'll come and get you, OK?
LILY
Did you pack me any snacks?
MITCHELL
Of course we did, sweetheart.
LILY
OK. Bye!
Lily then snatches her backpack and runs to the DUNPHY HOUSE.
PHIL
Alright everyone, let's get this Loco-Motion on the road!
CAM
Clever.
CLAIRE
Phil, you already used that one.
PHIL
But your brother and Cam didn't hear it, so it still counts.
CAM
He has a point, Claire.
CLAIRE
Of course he does.
Phil, Claire, Jay and Gloria get into Phil's car. Cam and Mitchell get in their car and drive off.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Back inside with DUNPHY HOUSE.
HALEY
(moving from the window)
OK, the parents are gone. Time to get our own party started.
Haley then abruptly gives Fulgencio to Alex and takes out her phone.
HALEY (CONT'D)
Great. Everyone is on their way. Time to go get ready.
Haley starts going upstairs. She then notices that Alex is not moving.
HALEY (CONT'D)
Why aren't you going to get ready?
ALEX
I am ready.
HALEY
Oh no, you are not wearing that.
ALEX
What's wrong with what I'm wearing?
HALEY
Do you even own a mirror? Come on, Alex. Just because Sebastian is gonna say no doesn't mean you can't entice him a little.
Alex stares straight-face into the camera as Haley continues on upstairs.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
The adults are taking their seats at their table. Phil is looking through the menu. Cam is sizing the place up.
CAM
Well this is a nice place, Claire. Where'd you find it? Groupon?
MITCHELL
Cam!
(then, to Claire)
It's a real nice place, Claire.
CLAIRE
Thank you, Mitchell. You know it would be nice for you to give me a little credit, Cameron.
PHIL
Hey look at this. It says their chili is guaranteed to "burn your butt".
(laughs)
Claire looks away in shame.
GLORIA
(to Jay)
Do you think I should call and check on them?
JAY
Just try to relax, honey.
GLORIA
I cannot relax, Jay! I am at the end of the wits and I need to call them!
Gloria starts getting up, but Jay stops her.
JAY
Honey, please. I'm sure everything is fine.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - EVENING
A party is taking place at the DUNPHY HOUSE. Haley is flirting with a boy. Luke and Manny are standing to a corner watching the goings on. Alex comes up to them.
ALEX
Have either of you seen Sebastian?
LUKE
Who?
MANNY
The boy she has her eye on.
ALEX
How'd you -
MANNY
(shrugs)
Fun facts. They're my thing.
Alex rolls her eyes and walks away.
LUKE
This party sucks. Wanna go do something better?
MANNY
Like what?
LUKE
Come on, I'll show you.
Luke and Manny head upstairs. Alex walks over to Haley who is still flirting with a boy.
ALEX
(whispers)
Haley.
Haley continues to flirt.
ALEX (CONT'D)
Haley.
Haley continues to flirt.
ALEX (CONT'D)
Haley!
Alex yanks Haley away by her arm.
HALEY
Ow! What's wrong with you?
ALEX
Have you seen Sebastian?
HALEY
No. Have you seen Nate?
ALEX
You mean that wasn't him (re: to the boy Haley was flirting with)?
HALEY
Oh god no.
Alex just stares at Haley, dumbfounded.
CUT TO:
INT. PHIL AND CLAIRE'S CAR - NIGHT
Phil sticks his head back in the car from out the window. He looks unkempt and a little sweaty.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
How are you doing, honey?
PHIL
We're definitely gonna have to wash the car after tonight.
CLAIRE
Phil! I told you to aim away from the car.
PHIL
Well I'm sorry! I didn't take the wind into consideration.
JAY
Oh geez.
CLAIRE
OK, maybe we should just tell Cam and Mitchell that we're gonna call it a night. You're obviously not feeling well, so maybe we should just go home.
GLORIA
Yes! I agree with your wife, Phil!
PHIL
No! I am going to this concert!
Everyone is looking at Phil.
PHIL (CONT'D)
You know, to be with Cam and Mitchell and all of you.
JAY
Do these numbskulls even know where they're going? We're in the middle of nowhere.
CLAIRE
Dad, relax. They won the tickets and everything. I'm sure they know where we are.
CUT TO:
INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S CAR - NIGHT
MITCHELL
I have no idea where we are.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - NIGHT
The party is still going on. Haley finally meets with Nate.
HALEY
(walking up to Nate)
Hey, Nate!
NATE
Hey, Haley. Cool party.
HALEY
Thanks. So how are you enjoying yourself?
NATE
Well I -
HALEY
That's great, wanna dance?
NATE
Uh, sure?
Haley then leads Nate away. Alex is in the KITCHEN drinking something in a cup.
ALEX
(making a face)
That is horrible punch.
SEBASTIAN (O.S.)
I could have told you that.
Alex turns around to see Sebastian standing there.
ALEX
(embarrassed)
Oh, hi. When did you get here?
SEBASTIAN
A little while ago. I thought it was a mistake when I first got here seeing as there's absolutely no one that I know.
ALEX
Oh...
SEBASTIAN
But then I realized that your last name is Dunphy, so I figured that maybe this was your doing?
ALEX
How did you figure this was the Dunphy residence?
SEBASTIAN
It says your name on your mailbox.
ALEX
Right. My sister decided to throw a party and promised I could invite a friend to keep my mouth shut.
SEBASTIAN
So you invited me?
ALEX
Oh, well I -
SEBASTIAN
(laughs)
Don't worry about it. Listen, can I talk to you privately? Maybe we can go outside?
ALEX
O-OK. Sure.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Luke is digging around in his closet while Manny sits on the bed.
MANNY
What are you looking for?
LUKE
It's a surprise.
MANNY INTERVIEW
MANNY
Usually I'm someone who doesn't mind a good surprise, but you just never know when it comes to Luke. I mean you've seen Phil. The apple may not have fallen far from the tree.
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT
LUKE (CONT'D)
Found it!
Luke pulls out a big, cardboard box.
MANNY
What did you find?
LUKE
Come see for yourself.
Manny goes over as Luke opens the box.
MANNY
Whoa! Where did you get all of this?
Luke pulls out a handful of fireworks.
LUKE
I've been saving some up from the past seven Fourth of July's and New Year's.
MANNY
Impressive. So what are you gonna do with them? Scare some of the party-goers?
LUKE
Nah. That's too predictable, and I'm not one for predictableness. I was thinking we could just go somewhere and pop a few of them.
MANNY
Well I don't know about that. We would probably get into some trouble, and my mom did tell me to watch over my brother.
LUKE
He's sleeping. And if he's anything like Jay then he'll be fine. Come on.
MANNY
I don't know -
LILY (O.S.)
Ooo, I'm telling.
The boys quickly turn to the door where Lily is standing.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT
The adults are standing by their cars outside. Phil walks out from some bushes.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
How you feeling, honey?
Phil gives her a thumbs up.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
(to Phil)
That's great.
(then, to Mitchell)
What is wrong with you? How could you get us lost out here in the middle of nowhere?
MITCHELL
I know this looks bad, but it really isn't.
CLAIRE
Oh really, Mitchell? Really? My husband is probably dying from some tainted chili -
MITCHELL
That was probably more your fault than mine.
CLAIRE
We are lost, Mitchell! Now we can't get home, to our kids and you can just forget about the concert!
MITCHELL
Well I am sorry, Claire! I'm sorry we can't all be perfect like you!
CLAIRE
Oh stop! This isn't about me! This is about you getting us lost in the middle of nowhere!
MITCHELL
I can't talk to you like this.
Mitchell walks off. Cam walks over to Claire.
CAM
Don't worry about it. I'll go talk to him.
CLAIRE
(sighs)
No, no. I'll go. This is partly my fault... more or less.
Claire walks to Mitchell as Cam watches on with a heartfelt smile. Camera cuts to Jay walking over to Gloria who is leaning against, but not facing the camera, Phil and Claire's car.
JAY
(to Gloria's back)
Well at least we got some time away from the baby, right?
Gloria doesn't turn around. She starts sniffling.
JAY (CONT'D)
Gloria?
Jay turns Gloria around. He sees that she is crying.
GLORIA
(shouts)
What do you want?
JAY
What's wrong? Why are you crying?
GLORIA
I'm crying because I'm a bad mother!
JAY
What are you talking about? You're a wonderful mother.
GLORIA
Don't lie to me, Jay Pritchett! I'm a bad mother! I just left Manny and Fulgencio when they needed me! Just so I can come to this K-K -
Cam pops in out of nowhere.
CAM
Kylie.
Jay shoves Cam out of the way.
JAY
Would you get out of here? Honey, what are you talking about? The boys are fine. Manny and Joe know you're a wonderful mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little time to yourself. You deserve it with all that you do for us.
Gloria begins to calm down.
GLORIA
You don't think I'm a bad mother?
JAY
Bad? No. Of course not. You're the best mom in the world to those two little boys. And you're pretty good to me, too.
Jay and Gloria then share a hug. Camera cuts to Phil and Cam who are looking on.
CAM
(emotional)
Isn't that just beautiful?
PHIL
Yeah. It's so great that it makes my stomach hurt.
Phil then ducks behind some bushes while Cam continues to look on at Jay and Gloria.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Luke, Manny and Lily are all in Luke's room standing around.
MANNY
We've been caught! We're going down!
LUKE
(to Manny)
I'll handle this.
(then, to Lily)
Now, Lily, you can't tell anyone about this.
LILY
Why?
LUKE
Because we'll get in trouble, and you don't want that, do you?
LILY
Maybe I do.
Luke and Manny exchange looks of unease.
LUKE
How about if we let you come with us to pop some of these bad boys? Will you still tell on us?
Manny pulls Luke aside.
MANNY
Are you nuts? We'll definitely get in trouble!
LUKE
Don't worry. I know her type. She'll just get scared and want to stay here.
MANNY
What if she tells?
LUKE
(shrugs)
We just get rid of the evidence.
Luke and Manny turn back to Lily.
LUKE (CONT'D)
Well?
LILY
I'm in.
Manny does a face-palm.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
Sebastian and Alex walk out to the back yard.
ALEX
Listen, I'm really sorry about all of this. It didn't play out like this in my head.
SEBASTIAN
It's OK. Look, Alex, It's cool that you like me, and I like you, too -
ALEX
(sigh of relief)
You do? Oh thank god. That would've been embarrassing.
SEBASTIAN
But I don't like you the same way you like me.
A beat.
ALEX
What?
SEBASTIAN
Don't get me wrong, you're a great person and I wish I could, but -
ALEX
But what?
SEBASTIAN
I can't.
ALEX
Why not?
SEBASTIAN
I just can't.
ALEX
Can't you at least tell me why?
Sebastian is quiet.
ALEX (CONT'D)
You know what? Whatever. It doesn't even matter anymore.
SEBASTIAN
I'm gay.
Alex stares at Sebastian with a stunned expression.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT
Mitchell is standing by his car. Claire walks over.
CLAIRE
Hey there.
MITCHELL
(not looking at Claire)
What do you want?
CLAIRE
Mitchell, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I don't mean to blow up at you... I guess I'm just a micromanaging, backseat driver like you said.
MITCHELL
Don't forget perfectionist.
CLAIRE
I actually don't remember you saying that one.
MITCHELL
(turns to Claire)
Oh I know, but you really are.
CLAIRE
(smiling)
Forgive me?
MITCHELL
(smiling)
Of course I forgive you.
The two share a hug. Cam then appears.
CAM
You two have to come see this!
Claire and Mitchell follow Cam. They all come up to a cliff where, below them, is the Kylie Minogue concert.
CLAIRE
Well would you look at that?
CAM
(to Phil)
Not bad for a grandma, huh?
Phil looks on with pure awe in his eyes.
PHIL INTERVIEW
PHIL
(smiling)
Not bad at all, Cameron. Not bad at all.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT
Luke, Manny and Lily are all walking together. Luke is carrying the box of fireworks. He then drops them on the ground as they come to a stop.
LUKE
Perfect spot.
MANNY
I don't know about this, Luke. This may be a little too scary for Lily.
LILY
I'm not scared.
Luke gets down by the box.
LUKE
Don't worry so much. We'll just light a few and get out of here. If I can just find a fuse so we can pick one out.
Luke then pulls out a pack of matches and lights one. Manny pulls Lily back.
MANNY
What are you doing?
LUKE
I need light to see what I'm doing.
MANNY
Are you sure that's safe?
LUKE
Manny, don't you think I know what I'm doing?
The match burns Luke's fingers causing him to drop it in the box.
LUKE(CONT'D)
Oops.
MANNY
Oops? What oops?
Luke backs away from the box as various fuses become ignited.
LUKE
I think we should probably run now.
MANNY
(panicked)
What?
LUKE
Run!
Luke takes off running. Manny picks up Lily and starts running as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
Haley enters the back yard where she finds Alex by herself.
HALEY
Why are you out here by yourself?
Alex remains quiet.
HALEY (CONT'D)
Something happen with Sebastian?
ALEX
Something like that. Turns out he's gay.
HALEY
Yikes. Sorry to hear it. How are you?
ALEX
I'm fine. It's pretty funny now that I think about it. What about you? What happened with Nate?
HALEY
(sighs)
Turns out he has a girlfriend.
ALEX
Sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll find someone who -
HALEY
I'm seeing him next Saturday.
ALEX
Of course you are.
Just then a flurry of fireworks light up the sky. Alex and Haley stare up at them.
HALEY
Must be some concert.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT
The adults are all slow-dancing on the cliff to a Kylie song playing in the background.
JAY (V.O.)
Since Cain and Able have there always been sibling rivalries. There will probably always be sibling rivalries.
Cam spins Mitchell and Phil spins Claire so that she and Mitchell end up together. Phil starts dancing with Cam.
JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)
But there will always be the instance where one sibling is there for the other.
Luke, Manny and Lily continue to run away from the fireworks.
JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)
Because no matter how much they fight or bicker or tease each other -
Haley and Alex continue watching the fireworks together, smiling.
JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)
- they will always love one another at the core of their being.
JAY INTERVIEW
JAY
Maybe I shouldn't use Cain and Abel as an example in this case. The whole killing-his-brother kind of contradicts my point...
(thinks, then)
Those football brothers. Two quarterbacks, two teams, but they're still brothers. Yeah, that's a good one.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW.
