MONDAY, JULY 20, 2009

I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE I THINK IT MIGHT HELP ME WITH SOME OF THE PROBLEMS I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE NOW AND BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO GET THE THINGS OUT OF MY HEAD AND PUT THEM SOMEWHERE ELSE SO I CAN FINALLY GET OVER THEM I'M NOT SURE WHAT ILL DO WITH IT ONCE IM FINISHED I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT SOMEONE TO READ THIS SOMEDAY OR NOT I MIGHT EVEN GET RID OF IT SO I NEVER HAVE TO SEE IT EVER AGAIN

I GUESS ILL JUST START WITH THE PROBLEMS IM HAVING FIRST

I KNOW SOME PEOPLE ARE WORSE OF THAN ME AND MOST THAT DON'T UNDERSTAND WOULD THINK I'M OVER REACTING AND JUST WANT ATTENTION I KNOW THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER THINKS WHEN I TELL HER HOW I FEEL AND IN A WAY SHES RIGHT I SAY THINGS AND DO THING SO PEOPLE WILL NOTICE AND MAYBE UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY

THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR TO HER BECAUSE HALF THE TIME I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS

WHY I CANT BREATH WHEN I'M AROUND TO MANY PEOPLE OR WHY I CAN BARLEY ANSWER QUESTIONS IN CLASS WITH OUT WISHING I COULD JUST FAST FORWARD TILL AFTER I ANSWERED IT

OR WHY EVERY LITTLE THING REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING STUPID I DID YEARS AGO THAT NEVER BOTHERED ME THEN BUT NOW MAKES ME WONDER IF THE PEOPLE THAT WERE THERE REMEMBER IT AND ARE LAUGHING AT ME I KNOW ITS STUPID TO THINK AND FEEL THAT WAY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS BUT I CANT HELP FEELING SO INSECURE

EVEN WHEN I'M WITH MY FRIENDS I KEEP MY SELF AT A DISTANCE AND PRETEND I'M JUST FINE AND THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AND THAT I DON'T GO OVER EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY IN MY HEAD ABOUT TEN TIMES BEFORE I DECIDE TO SAY IT OR NOT

WHEN I DO SAY SOMTHING I REGRET IT AFTERWORDS AND FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT FOR EVEN THINKING IT

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE ME ONCE THEY GET TO KNOW ME I FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD ALL HATE ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WANT THEM TO LIKE ME

IT SCARES ME TO LOSE PEOPLE IMPORTANT TO ME AND ITS THIS FEAR THAT MAKES ME PUSH PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE IF THERE NOT IMPORTANT TO ME THEN IT WONT HURT AS MUCH WHEN THEY LEAVE

I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING JUDGED ON EVERY STEP I TAKE LIKE EVERY WORD THAT I SAY IS BEING DISSECTED TO SEE IF ITS UP TO THERE STANDARDS

I SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO HURT THOSE CLOSEST TO ME JUST SO THEY WILL SAY THEM AND HURT ME BACK THAT'S MY WAY OF JUSTIFYING THE WAY I FEEL AND THE THINGS I SAY

BOOKS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE AND SECURE PRETENDING THERES NOTHING BUT THE WORDS ON THE PAGE AND THE MADE UP PEOPLE IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME FROM GIVING UP

I DREAM OF BEING ALONE IN A ROOM WITH MILLIONS OF BOOKS SO I CAN ALWAYS BE SOMEONE ELSE AND THERES NO ONE THERE TO REMIND ME OF WHO I REALLY AM

WHEN I WAS A YOUNGER I DIDNT CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE OR THERE FEELINGS IF THEY WERE DIFFERENT OR THEY DID SOMETHING I DIDN'T LIKE I WOULD MAKE FUN OF THEM AND USE THERE INSECURITY'S AGAINST THEM

I THINK ABOUT IT TODAY AND I FEEL HORRIBLE NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO ALWAYS WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AND DO AND HOPE NO ONE WILL NOTICE YOUR FLAWS PRAYING THAT THEY WONT LAUGH WHEN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE

SOMETIMES I HURT MY SELF WISHING SOMEONE WILL NOTICE AT THE SAME TIME PRAYING THEY DON'T