Pippin it!
Chapter 1 – Pip Daddy Needs a Fixx
So Pippin and Merry are sitting about the Shire smoking their pipes. It's a warm summer evening, and the two are discussing important matters like mushrooms and the possibility of more mushrooms. Laughing at his own stupid and irrelevant comment, Pippin draws from his long teak pipe to find that it is smoked out.
"Why Merry," Pippin says frowning at his empty pipe, "I seem to be out of the Old Toby. Mind if I pinch a bit from you?" Merry simply smiles and his simple friend. "Course Pippin, soon as you replenish what you took from my stash last night!"
"Your stash?"
"Don't play dumb with me you fool of a Took!" Merry shouted, knowing full well that Pippin wasn't playing. "You're the only person who knows about my secret stash in under the false lining of the trunk at the end of my bed! Half of it was this morning before second breakfast!"
"Those were some good pancakes…"
"Don't change the subject!"
"Subject?" Pippin tried to look calm.
"Pippin," Merry looked his friend dead in his overly large pupils, hoping to send him on sort of guilt trip. Pippin was trippin' indeed, but in wasn't resulting in the way Merry had planned.
"Wish I had some pancakes right now, with cool whip. Where can we get some cool whip? I wonder if Sam-" as this point Merry slapped Pippin.
"Your vibrant hunger is a sure sign that you have been sniffing in my stash!"
"Do you like cottage cheese?"
"Where's my stash?"
"All right so I smoked it! So what?"
"So what? I paid 20 gold coins a gram for that Old Toby, and you go and smoke half of it yourself before a second helping of pancakes!"
"Those were good-"
"Forget the pancakes!" Pippin looked downcast. The sun had finally set on the Shire, and the two decided to head back home, Merry ranting viciously all the way.
"20 coins a gram! How's a homeless bum like you supposed to pay me back?"
"You don't have a job either, how'd you get a hold of it? I thought you always stole your weed from Farmer Maggot? I thought that's why he was always so pissed at you?" Merry leaned in closer to his friend, pushing him off the side of the main road into the dark shadows of overhanging trees.
"Promise you tell nobody?" In a stupor, Pippin nodded.
"All right, to pay for that weed I had to, how to say, give a little. You see?"
"Oh, you were sharing your weed with the Shire? Give a little get a little?" Merry paused. It was bad enough he was trying to explain this sort of thing to Pippin, but Pippin on the weed? This was a challenge to be met.
"Give a little get a little, that's a way to say it. But see here my dear Took, no transfer of weed took place. Instead, I was giving out a few services for a bit of," Merry rubbed his thumb and index finger together, "money. You see now Pip?" Pippin thought for a moment, scratched it curly brown hair, and replied, "Nope." With a sigh, Merry made a final attempt.
"Sex for money Pip, sex for money. I made use of my nicely built body, and pocketed a small bit of gold."
"You whore!"
"Exactly! And you can do the same, unless you have some other way to get enough money to pay me back?"
"Sure! I have plenty of sex appeal, eh Merry!" Pippin stood upright, placing his hands on his hips. Merry began to see that maybe this wasn't the best idea. He could just see this smooth operator trying to whore himself about the Shire. Placing his chin on his hand, Merry circled his friend making loud "tsk, tsk, tsk."
"What's wrong Merry?" Pippin asked hunching his shoulders over in defeat.
"This'll never do! We'll have to think of something else." The two pulled up a pair of rocks and set the foggy minds to work.
"What is wrong with me?" Pippin asked.
"Well, first off it's those clothes. I mean really, a scarf Pippin?"
"You gave it to me?"
"YES! But it's the middle of summer! Take that damned thing off!"
"How is it that you're the master on what it takes to get some?" Pippin crossed his short arms across his chest.
"Simple, blondes just have all the fun." Merry smiled to his friend, and they both returned to their brainstorming.
"If we got the recipe to those pancakes," Pippin cautiously began, but was soon quieted by a harsh glare from Merry. After a long period of pondering, Merry broke the silence with a joyful jump to his feet.
"What if, just follow me here now Pip, what if it wasn't you who was whoring about?"
"Then I wouldn't get the money."
"No, you would! If you pimp somebody out!" Pippin, as usual, looked confused.
"What's that?"
"You whore someone else out, then split the profits. It'll take longer to collect the dough, but at least we can unleash someone attractive on the Shire!"
"You're a mean one Merry." The two rose from their seats and traveled back home. The lights of the shops and homes were a glow with life. The hobbits were indeed taking advantage of the warm summers night, sitting out on their lawns, smoking weed and visiting old friends. Tonight was the ideal night for the two trouble makers to cause a commotion.
"The question is," Pippin said placing an arm around Merry's shoulder, "who will be the lucky contestant for the evening?" Merry scratched his chin. There was a fine selection of Hobbits all about them, but they needed someone who was high in demand, someone who was well known for being attractive and sexy. Merry and Pippin had heard a great deal of gossip from the ladies in the town about their good friend Frodo. Frodo was quite a handsome Hobbit, and was popular with both the ladies and a few gents. As the two thought out the possibility, who should come strolling down the street than Frodo Baggins himself.
"Evening Merry, evening Pippin." He called out happily to them. Frodo seemed to be in high sprits, partly because h had just stepped out of the local tavern, and partly because he didn't know what his two friend were plotting for him.
"Evening Frodo," Merry said slyly, "would you like to come on a walk with me and your cousin here?"
Chapter 1 – Pip Daddy Needs a Fixx
So Pippin and Merry are sitting about the Shire smoking their pipes. It's a warm summer evening, and the two are discussing important matters like mushrooms and the possibility of more mushrooms. Laughing at his own stupid and irrelevant comment, Pippin draws from his long teak pipe to find that it is smoked out.
"Why Merry," Pippin says frowning at his empty pipe, "I seem to be out of the Old Toby. Mind if I pinch a bit from you?" Merry simply smiles and his simple friend. "Course Pippin, soon as you replenish what you took from my stash last night!"
"Your stash?"
"Don't play dumb with me you fool of a Took!" Merry shouted, knowing full well that Pippin wasn't playing. "You're the only person who knows about my secret stash in under the false lining of the trunk at the end of my bed! Half of it was this morning before second breakfast!"
"Those were some good pancakes…"
"Don't change the subject!"
"Subject?" Pippin tried to look calm.
"Pippin," Merry looked his friend dead in his overly large pupils, hoping to send him on sort of guilt trip. Pippin was trippin' indeed, but in wasn't resulting in the way Merry had planned.
"Wish I had some pancakes right now, with cool whip. Where can we get some cool whip? I wonder if Sam-" as this point Merry slapped Pippin.
"Your vibrant hunger is a sure sign that you have been sniffing in my stash!"
"Do you like cottage cheese?"
"Where's my stash?"
"All right so I smoked it! So what?"
"So what? I paid 20 gold coins a gram for that Old Toby, and you go and smoke half of it yourself before a second helping of pancakes!"
"Those were good-"
"Forget the pancakes!" Pippin looked downcast. The sun had finally set on the Shire, and the two decided to head back home, Merry ranting viciously all the way.
"20 coins a gram! How's a homeless bum like you supposed to pay me back?"
"You don't have a job either, how'd you get a hold of it? I thought you always stole your weed from Farmer Maggot? I thought that's why he was always so pissed at you?" Merry leaned in closer to his friend, pushing him off the side of the main road into the dark shadows of overhanging trees.
"Promise you tell nobody?" In a stupor, Pippin nodded.
"All right, to pay for that weed I had to, how to say, give a little. You see?"
"Oh, you were sharing your weed with the Shire? Give a little get a little?" Merry paused. It was bad enough he was trying to explain this sort of thing to Pippin, but Pippin on the weed? This was a challenge to be met.
"Give a little get a little, that's a way to say it. But see here my dear Took, no transfer of weed took place. Instead, I was giving out a few services for a bit of," Merry rubbed his thumb and index finger together, "money. You see now Pip?" Pippin thought for a moment, scratched it curly brown hair, and replied, "Nope." With a sigh, Merry made a final attempt.
"Sex for money Pip, sex for money. I made use of my nicely built body, and pocketed a small bit of gold."
"You whore!"
"Exactly! And you can do the same, unless you have some other way to get enough money to pay me back?"
"Sure! I have plenty of sex appeal, eh Merry!" Pippin stood upright, placing his hands on his hips. Merry began to see that maybe this wasn't the best idea. He could just see this smooth operator trying to whore himself about the Shire. Placing his chin on his hand, Merry circled his friend making loud "tsk, tsk, tsk."
"What's wrong Merry?" Pippin asked hunching his shoulders over in defeat.
"This'll never do! We'll have to think of something else." The two pulled up a pair of rocks and set the foggy minds to work.
"What is wrong with me?" Pippin asked.
"Well, first off it's those clothes. I mean really, a scarf Pippin?"
"You gave it to me?"
"YES! But it's the middle of summer! Take that damned thing off!"
"How is it that you're the master on what it takes to get some?" Pippin crossed his short arms across his chest.
"Simple, blondes just have all the fun." Merry smiled to his friend, and they both returned to their brainstorming.
"If we got the recipe to those pancakes," Pippin cautiously began, but was soon quieted by a harsh glare from Merry. After a long period of pondering, Merry broke the silence with a joyful jump to his feet.
"What if, just follow me here now Pip, what if it wasn't you who was whoring about?"
"Then I wouldn't get the money."
"No, you would! If you pimp somebody out!" Pippin, as usual, looked confused.
"What's that?"
"You whore someone else out, then split the profits. It'll take longer to collect the dough, but at least we can unleash someone attractive on the Shire!"
"You're a mean one Merry." The two rose from their seats and traveled back home. The lights of the shops and homes were a glow with life. The hobbits were indeed taking advantage of the warm summers night, sitting out on their lawns, smoking weed and visiting old friends. Tonight was the ideal night for the two trouble makers to cause a commotion.
"The question is," Pippin said placing an arm around Merry's shoulder, "who will be the lucky contestant for the evening?" Merry scratched his chin. There was a fine selection of Hobbits all about them, but they needed someone who was high in demand, someone who was well known for being attractive and sexy. Merry and Pippin had heard a great deal of gossip from the ladies in the town about their good friend Frodo. Frodo was quite a handsome Hobbit, and was popular with both the ladies and a few gents. As the two thought out the possibility, who should come strolling down the street than Frodo Baggins himself.
"Evening Merry, evening Pippin." He called out happily to them. Frodo seemed to be in high sprits, partly because h had just stepped out of the local tavern, and partly because he didn't know what his two friend were plotting for him.
"Evening Frodo," Merry said slyly, "would you like to come on a walk with me and your cousin here?"
