The day was finally here. Dave Strider stood tall on his stoop, ready and eager to begin his Pokemon journey.
TG: what
He took a first, nervous step towards the brobdignagian
TG: brobdignagian?
Pokelab, headed by the prestigious Professor Willow.
TG: are you serious
TG: professor willow is really all you could come up with
TG: what the hell is going on?
[Dave, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to make an AU here.]
TG: aw what no
TG: hell no
TG: hell fucking no
Timidly, he stepped through the doors and approached the triple balled table. The sunglassioed hero flinched as the doors closed behind him. Blushing furiously, he
TG: okay im stopping you right here.
TG: smh
TG: first of all what the fuck
TG: second of all why am i so kawaii?
TG: lastly fuck you
TG: if I have to be in this shitty au
TG: then im going to narrate it myself
Wait, what?
TG: you heard me fucker.
TG: starting…now.
No, you can't just do ahahaha, look at me now bitch. Okay, so FUCK NO Hey, hey, chill bro, I promise I'll write it off of your notes for the most part. It'll be fine and probably better thaNO IT HAS TO BE DESU OH FUCK NO. Okay, you are now completely locked out, Mr. Fanfic-er. Starting this shit over now.
Sup. My name's Dave Strider. I apparently live in…Rainbowtown. Wow. I'm so glad I took this trainwreck over before it got derailed and spilled its hot yaoi contents all over the pure, innocent people. Anyways, today is my 13th birthday. Whoopdefuckingdo for me. It looks like today is also when I leave to begin my Pokemon journey.
As I step outside, the sun beats down on me. Good thing I'm from Texas THIS TOWN, WHERE I LIVED FOR ALL OF MY LIFE. Fuck man, fine. I've lived in Rainbowtown all of my life. I'm like the founder of the place. If you ask anyone in this town about anything, they'll be all like, "Oh, did you mean to talk to the resident life liver, because that would be Dave Fucking Strider." I'm basically the mayor of this bitch. I'm like, the essence of Rainbow. I am 100% pure fucking Rainbow extract. I suppose that's one way of coming out. Wow man fuck you. Okay, whatever, back to the story. So I'm walking to the lab, hands in my pockets and chill on my everything. As I stride cooly towards the building, I feel the impact roughly equal to two teenage kids knocking into me (shut up, I hate metaphors anyways.) Of course it was my two only friends in the town. Now, to be fair, they were the only other adolescents anywhere fucking near here, so I think 100% friendship rate really isn't that shitty. It was actually kind of nice, they had their birthday a while ago (fucking twins…) but just decided to wait a while before starting their journey so we could all begin at the same time.
We all strode through the automatic doors, greeted by the lab assistants. The thought just occurred to me; that was literally the only possible job in this fucking town. Wow. There's not even a place to study or go to school. Like, what the hell do we even do all the time? Just…dream? Sit around and dick around on the internet? This is colossally ridiculous. Anyways.
We approached Professor Willow, waiting for us next to the table holding the three Pokeballs.
"Good morning, all of you. Now, blah blah blah whatever, you know all this shit anyways, which one of you wants to choose first?" casually said Willow.
We all looked at each other for a second or two. No one wanted to be the cumguzzling dickwad that just volunteered to choose first. Or at least it sure as hell wouldn't be me. I hid my knowing smile perfectly behind my masterfully crafted neutral expression. I knew how to play this. Sibling rivalry would take effect any second now. Aaany second…
"Hey Dave!" John suddenly exclaimed. "Me and Jade already have a vague idea of which ones we want. Why don't you go first?"
Godammit Egbert. I glared at him furiously through my impenetrably dark shades. If I said no, I'd have to come up with a reason why, and the reason why is I want to get the one stronger than the one he gets. I can't can say that, I'd be such a dick. Plus, dammit, Jade's there, and baby Jesus knows if there's any single person I have to actually act my chillest, illest self around, it's her.
"Eh. Sure." I responded cooly. I walked over to the table. Everything was silent, given that this was the most entertaining thing that would happen for a while in this town. I could tell everyone was staring at me, and it wasn't just because of my tight ass this time. I stood in front of the table for a moment or two. I looked at Willow expectantly.
"Hey prof," I said, motioning towards the Pokeballs with my head. "Are you going to tell us what the hell's in these things, or is this just like, a lotto?"
The professor just looked at me for a second blankly before snapping to attention. Wow, bitch didn't even have the courtesy to pay attention. Rude.
"Yes, we have choices from the Johto region of Godknowswhere. There are Sissy Leaf Horse, Flaming Porcuprick, and that Fucker that Bites Fucking Everything."
We all looked at her, the way a crowd does in an anime when a main character does something embarrassing. Not that I would know what that looks like.
"Umm…Ms. Willow? I don't think those are their names…" mumbled Jade after a while.
Willow took out some sort of 4kids friendly cigarette alternative and put it in her mouth but didn't smoke it because it totally wasn't a cigarette. Maybe a lollipop.
"Whatever. Do you want them or not?"
I shrugged. We all of course knew exactly which Pokemon she meant. I reached across the table and picked up the one holding Cyndaquil. Fire was always the coolest. Totes most def.
"Okay, next." Willow said, detachedly.
John nearly pissed his pants from obvious excitement.
"TOTODILE, I CALL DIBS ON TOTODILE!" he shouted, snatching the Pokeball off of the table.
THAT.
UNCOOL.
ASSHAT.
"Egbert. Did you just pick the water type? The one who's totally strong to mine, specifically? The one if, say, we happen to battle later, has a very strong chance of whooping my Pokemon's ass?" I asked, slightly irked.
John shrugged.
"I knew Jade would've wanted the Chikorita, so I left that one for her!"
BULL.
SHIT.
"Yeah, whatever. Here you go, Jade." I tossed the remaining Pokeball to Jade.
"Cool! Thanks Dave!"
I gave her a subtle nod of recognition.
"Alright. Well, let's start this shit then." I said, pivoting towards the door like it was fucking sole purpose and striding out. I could heard John and Jade following behind me. We took one final look at each other, nodded, and started towards the tall grass.
[Former author's note: Hey Dave, you're doing surprisingly well, just maybe include less of your own thoughts in the narration!]
[Narrator's note: Shut the fuck up, asshat.]
