Title: How I Say Goodbye
Author: Karmyn
Rating: T for mentions of abuse and sex
Characters/Pairing: Dean, Bela
Summary: Bela writes a letter to Dean, trying to explain things.
Spoilers: General season three, especially Dream a Little Dream of Me and Time is on My Side
Notes: Written for spn30snapshots NaNo shots. Prompt #2, Letter
Dean,
Yes, I stole your Colt. I have a good reason for doing so even if you don't think so. Yes, I know the story of how the gun was made. I know how it can kill anything. It's my job to know these things. Whatever you may think of me, remember that I have helped you before. In a way, I'm helping you again.
I know you made a deal. At least you made your deal knowing the consequences. I was not so lucky. My time is nearly up and I've never told anyone the truth about what happened, how I came to sell my soul. It was because of my father.
You once asked me if it was my father's fault I became this way, asked me if I didn't get enough hugs. The truth is, I got too many hugs from my father.
I don't remember when it first happened. I'm sure my mother knew about it. One of the servants used to take care of me afterward until Father fired her. I kept wishing she would tell someone, get me some help, but it never happened. She was just a servant and Father was an important man. If teachers suspected anything, I'm sure they never contacted anyone. I was alone and I wanted it all to end. I was 14 years old.
That's when it happened. I thought at first it was just a dream. I met a girl about my age. I was sitting on the swings at school when she came up and sat down beside me. She told me she could make it stop, that my father wouldn't hurt me again. That's all I wanted. She told me she could make it stop and in return I would have to do something for her later. I agreed and then her eyes glowed red. I hoped it was only a dream, but it wasn't.
A week later my parents were killed in a car accident. It was a brand new car in perfect condition. The roads were dry, there were no other vehicles involved and there were no skid marks. It was never fully explained.
It was two years later that I learned the real truth about what I had done. I happened across a book about the occult. It didn't take me long to figure out I had sold my soul to a demon. I had just wanted my father to stop hurting me.
Yes, I'm familiar with Faust. But until then I just thought it was a story. When I learned otherwise, I accepted my fate. Hell couldn't be much worse then what my father had put me through.
Now the end is near and I find myself frightened. I've spent most of my life only trying to survive. I'm sure you can understand that. In some way we're really not that different, you and I. We're both willing to do anything to get the result we want. Any means to an end.
But the difference is that you and your brother really do help people. You helped me once. I'm sure you regret that now. You're lucky, Dean. You have people that care about you. You have Sam and Bobby. You have somebody that will miss you when you're gone. I envy that about you. I have a cat. My business associates will go to someone else after I'm gone. My various treasures will be auctioned off to the highest bidder and I will quickly be forgotten.
Maybe if we had met under different circumstances we could have been friends. We don't always get what we want and we don't always deserve what we get. I wanted my father to stop hurting me. You wanted your brother to live. We got what we wanted and now we have to pay for it.
If I can find the demon I can kill her. That's why I took the Colt. If I make it out of this alive, you will get your gun back. I will make it out alive. I have to believe that. There is very little in this world that frightens me. I have seen the evil in men and monsters up close. I will fight until the end.
Bela
P.S. If we ever meet again, my offer for angry sex still stands.
