Katniss POV
As I sit there, staring into the fire, the heat begins to burns my eyes but I make no move to avert my gaze. I deserve this pain. Not only pain but death. There is no waking minute of my wasteful life that I do not think of my little sister, of the little girl from my first Games, of my friend from the sea, of my long lost mother, of the members of my team, of my murderous best friend, and most of all, I think of my boy with the bread.
Not a single person that haunts my waking and sleeping hours are with me. They are all either dead or far from me, which is where they should be. I do not deserve their presence, and they are safer away from me anyways. All I do is cause destruction and lost, and kill all those in my wake.
During the war, I believe I killed more people than I saved. No, I don't believe this, I know it, with ever fiber of my body. Once I returned home after my trial, I was unreachable. I was mute, mentally paralyzed, and ate nothing. Day turned night, night turned day, days became weeks, weeks became months.
It was a blur, but somewhere along the lines, Greasy Sae unlocked my door, with a key I wasn't aware she had, and walk into my kitchen like she owned the place. Not like I was arguing. She made me a meal, which I briefly remember being some kind of stew, handed me the bowl and stared at me. She just stared. Stared with such an intense look on her face, I swore she was staring into my soul.
"What are we going to do with you?" She had startled me, I hadn't seen her lips move. That was the first time I had heard someone else's voice in ages. All I have been used to is my own screams from my nightmares that come every night without faltering.
All the same, once those words came out of her mouth, it was as if I had just awoken from a dream, violently pulled from a lifelong stupor. And I ate. For the first time in weeks, I ate. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to put a smirk on Sae's face.
She curtly turned and walked out the front door. I don't know if she locked it, and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't care if she did or didn't. After I took one more spoon full of the stew, I no longer felt like sitting.
I stood, and like Sae, I curtly turned and walked out the front door. I didn't make it far when my legs crumpled under me from being dormant for so long. But luckily I was only in my front yard. I crawled to the middle of the grass and laid on my back. Soaking in the sun's rays, and I felt revived.
More alive than I had in weeks, but not quite fully there. I still felt completely crushed with guilt and sorrow. But I pushed is from my mind, for I wanted at least ten minutes of peace in my mind. Every thought my mind began to think I pushed it down into my throat to asses later.
For at this moment, laying in my grass, in front of my house I am completely and simply at peace.
I laid on my front lawn for hours, until my peace was interrupted by rain. Despite it, I laid there for another twenty minutes just focussing on the feeling of the raindrops hitting me dry skin. As I begun to feel chilled, I rose from my spot in the grass and stared at my closed front door.
Within the confinements of my house, I was a dead girl, dead to the world, without a soul to assist her, up until today. And I am not quite ready to return to that awful state of mind. But I deserve it so of course, I eventually will.
I resolve to a walk into town. As I slowly make my way through the victors village, I pretend as if I am stepping away from the confinements of my mind, at least for now. At least for now I am free from grief, hatred, and sadness.
The walk into town isn't that long but it is excruciatingly painful. All I picture is the fire and the explosion and the death. I have to stop walking and shake my head to clear the images. As I stand there, someone slightly bumps into my shoulder. They probably barely even touched me but because of my hibernation, I am weak and it felt like a wrecking ball hit me and I fell on my rear.
"Sorry," He grumbled. He was a man maybe in his forties with chin length, greasy hair dark blond almost brown hair. His breath reeked of liquor and he himself smelled foul, as if he hadn't shower in weeks, like myself.
As his back turned to me, he glanced over his shoulder once, and quickly took a double take, stopping in his tracks.
"Katniss?" He asked, astonished. I would know that voice anywhere, I didn't even need him to turn around to know it was Haymitch.
I hadn't seen my mentor since I had arrived back in District 12, he was supposed to be my babysitter but being the drunk he was, the minute we returned, he slumped back into his house and he drank.
And I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since. I hadn't replied so Haymitch took that as a no shit it's Katniss and said,
"Look who finally emerged from their God forsaken den. I hope you had enough alone time, because I just received a call from Dr. Aurelius. He said you need to start answering his calls because he can't keep up pretending to be treating you, sooner or later he'll get busted.". I simply answered "Fine, but I'm not calling him."
"Works for me, Sweetheart." There it is. With that, he turned and walked back to his house. As did I, but in the other direction, towards town.
As I walked, I listened to the birds and the rain on the concrete. I was looking straight ahead when I kicked something. I looked down and took a few steps back and stopped. What I had seen forced me to run to town rather than my earlier walking. A group of bones. This unhinged me. I realized now that going into town wasn't such a good idea. Everywhere I look I see death and decay.
The buildings around the square are charred and falling in on themselves. People are carting burned bones and people in wheelbarrows to the mass grave in the meadow. I mean it's not like I hadn't seen District 12 after the bombing already, but I haven't seen it in the state I'm in, which only seems to make it worse. I am still looking at all the buildings around the square when my eyes fall on Peeta's family's bakery. Hundreds of memories, both good and bad, fill my mind, as if the floodgates of my mind broke into a million pieces.
I see his blue eyes and his shaggy blond hair, I hear his laugh and his voice, I feel his strong arms wrap around me. I tear my eyes from the bakery and keep walking. I miss him. I miss him with my mind, my heart, my soul. I miss him with my whole being. I miss being around him and the way he makes me feel. But I will never get him back. I lost him the moment Beetee made us split up so Johanna and I could uncoil the wire.
And now he sees me for who I really am. A destructive, harsh, selfish girl who did nothing but harm him. He no longer loves me and I hate him for it.
Lost in thought, I look up and in at the train station. The whistle blows from my left and I can see the incoming train. It passes me and the wind whips my hair, not in it's usual trademark braid, around my face.
The trains slows to stop at the station, but I don't move from my spot. The doors open and about ten people get off. But the doors stay open. Then what seems to be the last person steps off. I see the blond hair and hard jaw of someone I thought I would never see again. I'm frozen in my spot, if I wasn't I would have bolted a long time ago. My eyes rise to his and I get lost in the blue of his eyes.
There is a mixture of emotions, confusion, relief, and I can slightly see hatred and rage but it is overridden by happiness. Oh God, I'm not ready for this. The last time I saw Peeta he wanted me dead and I don't think I can handle that. The hijacking left him broken and deadly. He's not my Peeta anymore, and without even thinking, I turned and ran. And he made no attempt to follow me. Which hurt.
I ran all the way to my house and slammed through the door. He can't be back, not yet. It must have just been my imagination. No, I know Peeta when I see him. But what would make him want to come back? Certainly not me, right? No of course not, the capitol must have forced him to come back, but for some reason, I'm not quite certain.
Greasy Sae emerged from my kitchen and asks, obviously annoyed by the racket I made, "Why do you have to come in here bumpin' and slammin', dear? What's got you all wound up?" "He's back," I replied.
"Who's back, dear?" "Peet...P...Peeta." I said between breaths.
"So you saw him?" I nod.
"Wait you knew we he was coming home? Why didn't you tell me?" She ignored my question and said,
"Supper's almost ready, why don't you go wash up?" I nod again and head upstairs. I grab some clothes, not caring if they match and I head into the bathroom. I strip, not only my clothes but my skin. It peels off my body, sticking to my clothes. I'm disgusted by myself and refrain from looking at myself in the mirror.
I turn on the water and step in slowly. The water cascades over my body and I picture it washing away my sorrows and not only the layer of grime that covers me. It washes away my fear and depression, and I get lost in the feeling.
Peeta POV
The train ride from the Capitol is excruciatingly long. All I want is to get off this train. My time spent in that God forsaken place alone is, was and forever will be horrific. The only thing that made it okay was when Katniss was there with me. Being around her was comforting, she made me feel like I was safe. And I hope I made her feel safe. Though I doubt it after my hijacking. I wouldn't feel safe around me if I was her.
Although I miss Katniss, I don't know if I love her. At least not as much as I did. But maybe deep down, I do.
The conductor says over the intercom that we are approaching District 12 and I gather my single bag. As the train comes to the stop and I'm looking out my window, I see a glimpse of flying, brown hair. How does she know I was coming home? The only person informed was Haymitch and I doubt he told anyone. Not ready to face her (if it even is her), I wait for everyone in the train car to exit. As I walk towards the door, I don't realize I'm holding my breath and exhale. What if I have a flashback and try to hurt her? I may not love her as much anymore but I couldn't stand myself if I hurt her.
It's too late now because I've stepped off the train and she's not 20 feet away from me. I scanned her body for anything different and notice she's skinnier, and looks disheveled.
Her hair isn't in its usual braid and she looks weak. I finally meet her eyes and I see a sea of emotion. Confusion, fear, but what surprises me the most is the happiness I see. It makes me happy to see her happy.
Oh how I've missed Katniss, how she feels in my arms, her voice, how her eyes light up when she laughs and her kisses. Her lips against mine is literal heaven. Wow, I guess I love her a little more than I let myself believe.
Just as I'm about to say something, she pivoted on her foot and sprinted towards the Victors Village. I think about going after her, and I want to, God do I want to. But it would only make her run faster.
To be honest, I am disappointed she didn't jump into my arms, but what did I expect? Her to take me back head on? The last time I saw her I hated her, and had tried to kill her countless times. But that was when I was a monster.
All I had wanted was for the Games and the Capitol to not change me, I tried so hard to stay myself, but I failed. Snow was playing chess, I was his king, and Katniss was the rebel's queen. I was a piece in their Games. And I'm sure Katniss hates me now, or at least is scared of me. I pick up my bag and walk the way Katniss ran.
This was the first time I had seen the true destruction of the war from the district's point of view. Fifty percent of the buildings around the square are ash and the others are covered in it. I know what's to my left, and refuse to look. Because if I do, I just might crack. I might run towards her house and try with my whole body to kill her, while my mind screams and cries no. The sight of the bakery burned to nothing, probably with my family still inside is, at the moment, unbearable.
I continue and surprisingly don't feel the prying, judging eyes burning holes in my back. These people know me, the real me and I silently thank them all for not making me feel like the monster I am. As I walked, I bumped into someone.
"Jesus, boy, haven't been around here in forever and this is how you say hello?" I looked down and smiled.
"Sae, it's great to see you." I bent and gave her a hug.
" You too, boy, you too. Where have you been?"
Reluctantly, I answered, "Oh, I've been in and out of the Capital, District Seven and District Four."
"Well I'm glad you're back," Sae said as she began to walk away, but she stopped, turned to me and spoke, " You should stop by Katniss's soon for dinner. I'll be there every night for a while making her dinner, and she barely eats, so there's always extra food." The look in her eyes as she said this convinced me that she knew she hit a nerve.
And like Sae always is, she's right. She barely eats. My heart shattered. After all this time Katniss is still broken. God Katniss, why can't you take care of yourself? I know why, and I die a little every time I think about it.
"I'll make sure I do, bye Sae." She smiled at me and walked away. I knew I still cared about Katniss, but wasn't sure to what extent. Do I love Katniss Everdeen? I know the answer, it is as if it is flashing in my head as bright as a Capitol sign. I do, so much. I love her so much it hurts and if she'll have me, I will try my hardest to have her back in my life.
By the time I reach my house the sun is almost down. I look at the sky and smile. Sunset orange. I walk in and set my bag of paints the Capitol gave me on the ground. I had no actual clothes because I used the ones the Capitol gave me.
I looked at the dark, dank house. There's a layer of dust over everything, but other than that the house is untouched. I flipped the switch to the lights and sighed. This lonely house is where I sulked after the first Games when I Katniss told me she didn't really love me. It's also where I was hit with a bombshell when I knew Katniss had to go back into the arena.
There are so many terrible memories here, but this the only place I have for now. I walk into the kitchen and look to see what I have in the cabinets. There is almost nothing that isn't old and moldy, but a settle on some chicken broth. I couldn't stomach much anyways.
I don't think much as I eat, but as I walk over to the sink see smoke rising out of Katniss's chimney. Just as I think this, there's a knock on my door. I wiped my hands and walked there. And what I see shocks me. She just stared at me. Her hairs in a wet braid. But she still just stared. Her voice is low and scratchy but it startled me just the same
"Peeta, I just have one question."
"Anything," She stuttered, as if she hadn't decided something, and turned in her heel and ran back to her house.
"Katniss, wait!" I yelled as I followed her down the stairs but stopped at the bottom, looking at her back. She stopped at her door turned and yelled, "Do you still love me?" I smiled and replied,
"I do, so much." I saw what I thought was a smile in her eyes, but it didn't reach her face and she disappeared behind her door. The last thing I saw of her was her thick, brown hair flying.
_Alright alright alright this is my first fanfiction soooo not sure how it will be. I am a busy girl so if this doesn't get a lot of comments or reviews I will mark writing down for not one of my talents and stop writing this. I for one would love for this to continue because I love Katniss and Peeta. But like I said no comments, no more story. If you do like it though, share it and maybe, just maybe I'll continue. So vote it up!
