oh No I forgot the level of hell trying to do the font layout of this was ughhh.
I'm kind of sad because I have this of all stories saved but I left a lot of my oneshots on my Dead Laptop. Me at me: what are you? Me: an idiot sandwich.
CW WARNING: suicidal ideation, self-harm, self-destructive behaviours, depression, anxiety, the sex, drug/alcohol use, and last but not least, The Potential for "Onii-chan Kinks" if in the unlikely case I sort my sloppy ass out and finish this (a good 0.8% chance of happening).
Revised by Piriluk on 15/4/17. I don't think anyone beta'd this? Was going rogue by then, that's why this is such a mess.
2014/08/24. Time: 3:32AM
shitgirl'S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY 69
Today…
The last thing I ate was: a packet of stale rice crackers i found in the bottom of this guy's bag
The last thing I drank was: guess
The last person I talked to was: some guy. i said, 'you like that, boy?' and he proceeded to jizz all over my new tank top
The last thing I did was: fake an orgasm
Prompt #1: Write your thoughts and feelings.
Just Call Me Yukari told me to write in this so i am writing in this.
i feel like donuts.
Rate your current state of happiness out of ten: (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)
Comment on your rating: if negatives were there i would circle -12.
Tips towards being mindful:
1. Observe
2. Describe
3. Participate fully
4. Be non-judgemental
5. Focus on one thing at a time
Have a mindful day!
.
.
.
put your grenade where your mouth is
{ because when you feel like you're gonna explode, all you want is to take everyone else who drove you to that point down with you. }
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PART I
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His step-mother was a peculiar character.
It wasn't like Len thought of her as the evil step-mother from Cinderella. God, no - it wasn't like that at all. Lily was sort of okay in moderation. She was just… you know, strange.
Maybe it was because of experiences with his own mum, that he found it difficult to get past Lily's contrasting personality. She was, after all, really overly happy about everything and anything; much like a bouncy ball, smacking joy and rainbows and sunshine into anyone who wasn't feeling it. It was more than annoying when he wanted to just mope about, but he learned to deal with it – it was just her character.
The poor woman tried too hard to be hip and young. More often than not, she wore frilly, colourful outfits – something that was all too strange to see on a lady who was nearly, or at least, thirty years of age. It made it hard to think of her as a mother-figure, since it was like watching an adult dress up like a teenager.
Or maybe it was just him.
Len still didn't know who he saw as a mother-figure – his blood-related one so much as disappeared out of his life as if he was dead to her. She was just as stale as a month old loaf of bread; never a mother to begin with.
Lily, on the other hand, was different – whether it be good or bad. Probably good. He found her funny and easy to relax around, at least. Plus, she made Dad smile, which was a first – he never smiled when he was back in Tokyo with Mum.
So, that explained why the boy found it a little concerning the usually perky woman appeared tense during the long car drive into town. The slightest crease in her forehead was forming along with a frown, her hands wrapped tight around the steering wheel.
He wasn't one to talk much—or even ask questions, really—but concern drove him to start a conversation.
"What's up?"
Lily blinked out of her daze, glancing over at the teenager in the passenger seat. "Huh? Oh, um…" She seemed hesitant, like she was still deciding whether to break the news to him. He waited, watching her carefully – patience was a virtue, after all.
Seeing he wasn't going to let up, she eventually continued in a small voice, "Your father got a call from Lola this morning."
On hearing that, a knot twisted in Len's stomach – from nerves or from uncertainty, he couldn't really tell. By the tone of her voice, something bad had happened. God, please don't tell me someone has died, was his first thought.
"Your sister – Rin, isn't it?" she checked, and he gave a small nod. "Apparently, she hasn't been too… well-behaved lately. Well, lately is an understatement. She's pretty much run off the rails since you and your father moved away. But we didn't know too much about it considering your mother refuses to talk to anyone."
"Oh," he said.
Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, seemingly in thought. "Miriam called your aunt in a fit the other day about Rin, because apparently she'd been expelled again."
"Wait… again? How many times has she been expelled? What for, even?" asked Len. He couldn't believe what he was hearing – she was joking, surely. His sister had never been… one to act up, or, well, not the sister he knew. They weren't exactly close, but he knew her well enough to be aware of her fear of getting into trouble.
That made the two of them, though. The way trouble was dealt with in their previous family was… quite physical.
He wasn't talking about small taps, either.
His step-mother bit her lip. "This was the third time," she told him quietly. "We knew about the other times—they were usually to do with disobedience or lack of attendance—so we… yeah. However, the recent one had to do with setting the science lab on fire – purposely, might I add."
The boy couldn't help but think at first, Well, I never knew she was much of an arsonist. He swallowed his words quickly though, mustering a feeble, "Oh no."
Lily looked at him, eyebrows furrowed. "I mean, I'm sure she's fine, Len. She's managed to get accepted into another school. But… considering this is the third time, it must mean something's not right. Your father is a little worried about it. He feels like Rin's misbehaviour has something to do with him and your parents' divorce."
Len sunk down into his seat, couldn't help but feel the same concern, too. They had essentially left her behind with their mum, who was inarguably sometimes a little… 'not okay'. Actually, 'not okay' didn't really suffice in terms of describing her, but, the truth hurt a little. It wasn't like they'd done it willingly; he'd begged his father not to separate them. But Miriam clung onto Rin for dear life, telling him he'd already taken away enough. Both of them were legally still their parents – so, unless she had a court case against her for being batshit, he technically couldn't take Rin from her, either.
Then it was history. He hadn't seen his sister for at least five years; since their parents divorced. It wasn't like they had much control over seeing each other, anyway – they were younger, they didn't have the freedom or responsibility to go off and do whatever. Whenever he tried to get into contact with Rin, she'd mysteriously disappear or stop replying. He had considered that his sister hated him—for whatever reason—but didn't want to acknowledge it. He felt guilty enough already.
Now Rin was going down – something Len hadn't imagined happening to that extent. She was obviously hurting… a lot, and here he was doing nothing about it.
He wanted to get into contact with her—he always had—but how? He felt so helpless about it. From this distance, he could only hope his mother had turned over a new leaf and was supporting her – but from what he'd heard, there was no guarantee she had. Not to mention, his mother probably wouldn't see eye-to-eye (or even try to).
A small voice made him dread the worst: he knew all too well that she would be tearing Rin down just like she'd done to everyone else before the family fell apart.
One could carry so much of the world's weight on their shoulders, Len knew that. The thought of his sister being all alone, to fend for herself all these years against that true monster, terrified him.
But he had ignored the thought too much whenever it came to mind – to the point that now she was probably suffering more than he could imagine.
It wasn't fair on her – it wasn't fair on her at all.
The Rin he knew, he imagined, was the bubbly and bright ten year old who wanted to believe that their parents love was never going to end, even though she knew all too well it was.
Just the thought of the dark look on her face that night—the night when the happy family facade shattered with a slap—made the taste in his mouth bitter.
Trying to imagine that Rin—the Rin whose dreams had been broken—as his sister, now, made his mind reel. She was a stranger when he thought of her like that. He could hardly comprehend her thoughts or actions.
In light of that, he told himself he wouldn't blame her if she hated him. But the thought still kind of stung like the words their parents threw at one another before they divorced.
Len wished he made the effort to get closer to her before it all ended. To him back then, she was that girl who his friends would ask him about, where he'd glance across the room at her sort of disinterestedly and say, "Yeah, but she's just my sister."
It wasn't like they hated each other, then, or that he had anything against her – he just… had never really established a connection with her for some reason. They were just kind of… 'whatever' with each other – they fought, they had good times, they stuck up for each other. Maybe their parents' unstable relationship was too much a distraction for them to ever feel comfortable around each other without feeling guilt, too.
He felt pretty sore about not offering Rin more support when their parents divorced. After all, it had affected her the most, completely crushing her. Yet he'd seen it coming from miles away, so at the time he couldn't really comprehend why she was so shocked and cared so much. It was bound to happen, the way things were going.
Sure, Len also never wanted it to end, somewhat – but what hurt more: his parents happier being apart, or the constant screaming and arguments that filled his ears every night? He didn't want to be selfish about it – he just wanted happiness for them.
Though, admittedly, he would still look at all the perfect families from time to time and think, "I wish that was my family."
Just sometimes.
Len supposed it had to happen. There was surely a good reason or something behind it all, maybe – he just didn't know what it was exactly. He never really wanted to question it. He'd just let the universe do its work.
But he wondered what the universe's work had done, or was doing to Rin, most of all.
He found it hard to find the good in any bad news regarding his family.
"Yeah," he could only say back to Lily's statement. He wasn't sure what he was agreeing with, or if he was agreeing with anything at all.
His step-mother glanced at him, that look of concern in her eyes, but said no more. The rest of the trip was in silence.
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"Rin, I… I'm glad you gave it a go, but really? This is a mindfulness journal. You need to, you know, be mindful. Or at least try to be."
The student counsellor's room was a bit like a sick person's mind.
If it weren't for the various, colourful posters lining the walls, advertising psychologists and mental health awareness, or the many books and pamphlets that scattered the shelves, the drab white walls and grey carpet alone would give the place a mental asylum vibe.
Except, having the garish words 'STRESS' and 'DEPRESSION' and 'ANXIETY' stare Rin down in the face from many angles and directions still reminded her that, yes, this place was for the loopy kids – including her.
Well.
Just Call Me Yukari gave the notebook she held open a disapproving look. The girl sitting across from her simply smiled to herself, pleased with her counsellor's mildly disgusted reaction.
"Speaking of which," she continued in her 'serious business' voice. "I'm concerned about your sexual health. Are you using protection of some sort, Rin? If you're going to be sleeping with so many people, you need to ensure using a condom, just in case you engage in intercourse with someone who has an STI, as it…"
...Blah, blah, blah. She couldn't be bothered to listen to the rest – it was the same old lecture she'd heard time and time again. Whatever, she used protection; she wasn't a dumbass, though her mum tried to insist she was. Couldn't get a break, could she?
Rin this and Rin that, Rin, you're useless and Rin, you're a slut—not to forget Rin, I wish you weren't my daughter—she could just about write a prayer out with the things she was told daily.
Oh, not just from her mother, even – from just about everyone, really. She was sure Just Call Me Yukari wanted to say those things too, but because she was a counsellor and she meant 'serious business', she had to sugarcoat her words.
God, why'd she ever get duped into this? Maybe she really was a useless dumbass after all.
She knew better. It wasn't like, you know, Yukari could ever help her – unless the woman was a fairy godmother in disguise that would magic away her parents divorce and her mother's shitty personality. Psh, please.
Honestly, if there were two things that could be changed in her life, it'd be the latter points.
She would erase the memories of her mother fighting with her father, acting like the wife from hell; replace it with them kissing lovingly in the kitchen, and her brother and her going, "Ewww." She'd make sure her mother never met the man she cheated with behind Dad's back, which inevitably called for the denouement of their 'happy' family; just let it be them falling even deeper in love with each other, maybe even having a younger sister or brother for her to fawn over.
She'd take back all the words her mother ever said—the blames, the insults, the utter hatred—fill them with compliments, and words of love and concern. She'd wipe her mind of the times she'd raised her hand on her or her brother or even her father, the times she'd locked Rin out in the cold to fend for herself; make it full of hugs and kisses, the safety of a cozy home and a warm bed.
Most of all, she'd bring Dad and Len back home to them, and everything would be okay. Everything would be okay, because none of this would have ever happened.
Whatta doozy, huh, she mused after imagining that kind of impossible power. She really was blessed by the gods with this shipwreck of a family, wasn't she?
Oh, wait – what family? She didn't have one, not now – not since her father and brother left Tokyo for some crummy town a day and a half drive away. They didn't care they left her behind with a dragon – and neither did she, after a while. There was just no point in trying to keep up that false illusion of hope or happiness or perfection or anything, because none of it was real. All the things she used to brag about to her friends at school—the white-picket-fence family she apparently had—was no longer reality. The perfect girl in that family photo she kept as her last piece of hope was no longer reality.
Well, not for her, at least—her brother seemed mighty happy miles away from his crazy mother, with his new life and all—according to his social media, anyway. Yeah, Rin stalked his Twitter or whatever – but she had perfect reason to. They didn't talk, and they hadn't for a very long time – how else would she know what's going on in their life? Her mother certainly wasn't one that wanted anything to do with the pair.
Admittedly, she was sort of at fault for their distance; she'd cut Len off too many times, so much that he'd given up trying to contact her. But that was because he and Dad were Both Guilty of everything that had happened, had left her behind, and were perfectly happy while she was stuck back in Hellville, living a nightmare called Reality.
Although Len didn't have much to do with their parents' divorce, the fact that he agreed to moving away and letting Dad remarry the stepmonster was just Fucking Awful – sibling betrayal at its best. She had hope in him to have some sort of disagreement with everything – but he just seemed so 'whatever' about it, goddammit. He'd always shrug his shoulders and walk off like it didn't really matter.
It ticked her right off, it did. She hated him, she hated him so much for not putting up a fight or anything. Siblings were supposed to support each other, right? Right? Especially twins, at least, because they're supposed to think alike and be all psychic and shit with each other. But nay – here she was breaking down and being verbally destroyed by her own mother, while he was off having the time of his life with his new family.
This was why Rin had to do this, you know, be even shittier than she already was. This was why she had to be a disappointment – because there was just no point. Everyone else had disappointed her, so why not she return the favour? It wasn't like it mattered anymore – she had no meaning, she had nothing. No one understood, or listened, or cared. And neither would she.
Just Call Me Yukari gave her a thin smile. She blinked at the woman, tuning back into reality – the counsellor had obviously just finished rambling off some shit about mental health, sex and diseases, and she'd totally tuned out. Ah, oops. Whatever.
"Next time can you try better, please, Rin? I know you find it tough to write how you feel or what goes through your head, but once you get it off your chest, you'll feel better. Plus, I can help you find methods of coping, rather than what you resort to now."
It was clear she was wrapping up the session, considering she probably had another poor soul to chastise in the next minute or so. Busy life for someone who tries to tell others how to live theirs, hey?
Rin rolled her eyes and rose from her chair abruptly, causing it to tip back into the shelf behind her. The subsequent crash destroyed what was left of the peace and quiet, but it felt like victory over the deafening silence from before.
Just Call Me Yukari pretended to ignore what just happened. "What's your current class, Rin? I'll write you a note so you don't get in trouble for turning up late."
She sighed. "Biology." It was the first thing she'd said since entering the office.
The counsellor handed over the note, giving Rin another watery smile, and she turned away to saunter out into the hall.
Biology, huh? she mused, I can't wait to finger-fuck some dead frogs, or something.
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2014/08/29. Time: 4:38PM
trash can'S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY 0
Today…
The last thing I ate was: bread from the cafeteria vending machine
The last thing I drank was: something salty
The last person I talked to was: vice principal. i told them that i gained great pleasure out of fucking dead amphibians
The last thing I did was: get suspended
Prompt #2: Two moments I'll never forget are…
my parents' divorce and fingering a dead animal
Rate your current state of happiness out of ten: (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)
Comment on your rating: i have no happiness so i will not circle any
Tips towards being mindful:
1. Observe
2. Describe
3. Participate fully
4. Be non-judgemental
5. Focus on one thing at a time
Have a mindful day!
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Club practice was cancelled due to bad weather – something Len was far too glad about.
The corridor filled with students, eager to move on to their next sought-out location. A handful of others loitered, having better mind to avoid the sudden torrential downpour uncharacteristic to this time of year. By the looks of it, the heavy clouds were starting to part; welcoming the sun to swallow up the puddles forming on the grounds outside the school building.
Len lurked near the lockers of the homeroom beside his – it was routine to wait behind for his friends so that they could leave together. He peered around the frame of the classroom door, watching students listen while the teacher ran through the last part of notices before being dismissed for that day.
The girl closest to the door noticed his presence and turned to look at him. Akin to a doll, she had long teal hair tied into pigtails, large eyes and pretty, pale skin. He blinked back at her, feeling himself flush as she gave him a sweet smile.
A warm sensation filled his chest, his knees going weak. He grabbed the doorframe to steady himself. Beautiful, he almost said aloud – if not for a tall boy who appeared to slide an arm protectively around her waist.
He shot him a warning glare, as if to say, back off.
Len swallowed and averted his gaze, embarrassed.
The girl was Miku; pretty, darling Miku Hatsune, who'd captured his heart at the beginning of first year – ever since he first laid eyes on her.
Unfortunately, she was dating Yuuma – and he was smart enough to know to never take him on. The guy screamed ball-crusher with just one look at him. Anyway, she was way too far out of his league – like, literally ten galaxies away. It just wasn't plausible.
Even so, she was always polite to him; smiling at him in the hallways and greeting him whenever her friends weren't around. If she wasn't dating someone already, he would've thought she reciprocated his feelings.
He was so deep in thought that he didn't realise the class had been dismissed, and a firm hand landed on his shoulder, startling him from his daze. He glanced up to meet the fiery eyes of his red-headed friend, and two others snickering behind him.
"Yo, man," began Lui, giving his shoulder a quick, warning squeeze, "don't let your eyes linger too much, Yuuma might skin ya."
Len scoffed. "You guys wouldn't let him touch me."
Miki, who stood aside with Piko, let out a short laugh of disbelief. "Righto. We don't like you that much."
He mock-scowled. "Amazing friends you all are."
Yeah, friends – Len didn't really know how that came to be.
They'd always joked about being the outcasts, hence their fast friendship – but it was still something he wondered about. He could've been friends with anyone, but it was this group that won him.
Still, he wasn't sure whether this was the best offer he could've taken.
Lui was essentially the leader of the pack: short, headstrong, a little bit—or rather, a whole lot—girl-obsessed. Len supposed how they'd met was through club – they weren't in any classes with each other, so that ruled it out. Miki and Piko, however, were in a few of his classes – but he wasn't as close to them as he was to Lui. Miki was loud and annoying—a typical girl, he thought—and didn't fuss around much, was straight to the point. She essentially had Piko—the quietest of the group—on a leash.
He wondered why the pair weren't dating. They seemed too… close to be 'just friends'. Yet, whenever he tried to mention of the possibility of them being a couple, they'd get up in arms about it all. The girl insisted they were just very, very close friends. Jeez.
Their group happened to have one thing in common with each other, at least – they were, yes, your average dorks; the high school nerds, the group that couldn't hold a conversation without it turning beyond awkward and weird.
Why Len was categorised into the group was beyond him, but whatever. He probably did suck at socialising – but that was just because he preferred to keep his thoughts to himself. Why speak when you could just be sensible?
Exactly. Keeping your mouth shut implied intelligence to some degree.
A selfish part of him didn't want to be one of the dorks. Well, naturally, who would? He had pride. That was something hard to upkeep, especially when everyone else looked down on you for being a nobody – which was what he was. No one knew his name, apart from his friends; no one so much as looked in his direction.
Instead, he was the one always looking at everyone else.
For example, Miku and her group. They'd always been an object of fascination, ever since he started attending Crypton High; they were mysterious yet mischievous, the kind of people who had the best stories to tell regarding their adventures. He knew all about them, heard all about them – the fun group, the ones who brought life to the party. Everyone respected them and no one looked down on them – he wanted to be like that, too.
But Len wasn't. He was just that random guy who had a borderline-insane mother and a sister he hadn't seen for at least half a decade. He didn't stand out—wasn't a genius, didn't have any extraordinary talents besides perfect attendance—he was just another one of those sob stories from a broken family.
Anyhow, his friends were all too tame to take it up a notch and mingle with the 'cool kids'. "Nah man, I got study to do," was a typical excuse against most proposals of adventure and excitement.
There was a reason why studying had the word 'dying' in it – how could you call 'living' going home to work on algebraic equations all afternoon?
It wasn't fun sitting on the safe side of the fence all the time. It was just boring. And he didn't want to be boring.
He didn't want to be an asshole, either, though.
"Aw man," Lui said, squinting under the warm afternoon sun that appeared as they gathered near the front entrance of school. "We have to say goodbye to poor country boy again. Goodbye country boy – always ditching karaoke for your long-distance relationship with city life."
Len rolled his eyes. They'd been friends for two years, however the fact that his parents preferred enrolling him in a high school that had better reputation yet was further away had always been a topic to tease him about. It sucked because everyone else lived in the city, yet he had to make an hour and a half journey to his little crummy town in the mountains.
In Tokyo, it wasn't like that. You could reach the next city over within half an hour.
This new life was different—very different—and he couldn't settle into it for a very long time. At first, having to travel so far frustrated him to no end. He'd missed Tokyo; missed it's busy streets and sirens at 2AM and 24-hour nonstop madness. Tokyo was familiar. It was comfortable. It was the memories of a broken childhood and unknown future.
But then he found himself warming to the peace and quiet, the long trips to and from home, the scenery that looked like it'd come out of a painting. He liked the clean air and the change of seasons like a wave over the landscape – the fact that he could look up at night and see millions of twinkling lights staring back at him. It grounded him.
In Tokyo, all that was, was the vast empty sky – something he'd gazed up at while listening to the arguments between his parents downstairs, desperately searching for that one little star that would give him hope.
But here was different. It was home.
It was better than the past. He knew that all too well.
Len said goodbye to his friends and took the long journey—a train ride, bus ride, then a ten-minute walk—to his house. It was larger than his home back in Tokyo, surrounded by the wilderness and rice fields in all directions rather than being cramped in a busy, overpopulated street.
Nature seemed to be taking over the path leading to the front door – his stepmother had long given up battling the weeds summer grew. The sounds of rush hour traffic and rushing footsteps was left behind at the last station – now, the never-ending summer sonata of crickets and cicadas was all he could hear.
Lily was in the kitchen cooking when he entered the house. She glanced up on hearing him, a bright smile splitting her face.
Even after five years, it was hard to get used to being greeted by a happy person when he came home.
"Hey, Len! How was school?"
Len dumped his bag in the hallway, reaching down to fetch his lunchbox. "Uh," he mumbled. "It was alright, I guess."
His stepmother watched him over her bowl of salad, raising an eyebrow. "What's up?" she asked.
"Huh." He stepped past to dump the container into the sink and wash it out. He met her eyes briefly, expressionless. "Nothing. Nothing is up."
"Really," Lily said, folding her arms over her chest. She leant up against the bench to watch him. "Come on. What's the matter? Kids at school bullying you? Bad teachers? You lost your bus pass?"
He shook his head. "Nah." He turned off the tap, glancing up at her. "It's just… Rin. I guess."
She frowned. "What about Rin?"
Len swallowed, looking back down at the stray grains of rice floating in the water. He sighed. "I don't know. I'm worried she's not safe, I guess. Not safe – not even safe from herself."
Immediately, Lily's gaze went gentle, and she reached out to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. He wanted to shrug her off.
"Try not to worry too much, Len," she told him, attempting to act all understanding like she usually did – but this wasn't really what he wanted to hear. "We may be far, but the distance isn't impossible. If anything happened, your dad would be there as soon as possible to get her. You know he cares for Rin just as much for you."
Well, she wasn't wrong, he supposed.
Dad was Dad – he was nearly 40, but happily worked around the clock at a repair shop in town and sold farm goods in his spare time. Back home, he did the same; he hadn't changed much since they left, really. He tried to be funny and catering and understanding, like all dads did – even though Len knew all too well how hard it was to do that when it only brought back memories of Mum. In the end, it was still too strained and awkward. He didn't want to remember the family he left behind – including Rin.
He knew that his dad loved them and all; he loved them more than he loved Mum. But it wasn't the same – not now, anyway. In a way, he was a more like a scar to his dad – looking at him was a reminder of unpleasant memories and countless stories that would never fade away.
"Yeah. I know," Len murmured. "It's just…"
I'm worried about Rin – how she's coping. What happens if she can't cope at all and… does something?
The thought brought on a bitter taste in his mouth. Does something. He didn't want to imagine what she'd do.
"What?" Lily asked, eyebrows furrowing.
He turned away, pouring the dirty water from the containers in the sink and setting them aside to dry. "It's nothing. I'm just being stupid," he told her.
She stepped in front of him, stalling him before he could escape from the kitchen. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sure."
His stepmother pressed her lips together, looking dubious. After a few moments of hovering, as if waiting for him to say anything else, she moved out of his way and resumed whatever she was doing.
Len grabbed his bag and made a run for his room before she could try prodding him again. On the way up the stairs, his eye caught something out of place in his peripheral.
He paused halfway to glance over at the guest room below. The door was open, airing it out – all the crap that'd been piling up in there, collecting dust over the years, was gone. They rarely had guests over, so the room was never of use, anyway.
Huh. It was weird, though. Lily doing spring cleaning at the end of summer?
Nevertheless, he couldn't be bothered to question her about it. She did strange things like that, sometimes. He just continued upstairs to hide away in his room for the rest of the afternoon.
.
.
.
It was very late, and she knew too well what was in for her.
Her venture earlier that evening was planned out during a tedious Music class: she would sneak her way into a university student's party with the sugar-laced story that she was studying a major in Physics and intending on joining NASA to research extraterrestrial life after graduation.
Indeed, it was a laugh to conjure such a ludicrous tale that would never be true in a million years, but the thing was – people actually fell for it.
While she was only 16 and just about as flat as a board, it was all-too-easy to fool people into thinking she was somewhat legal just by her choice of clothes and makeup. After nailing the looks, all one needed was a good life story, maybe the dead relative card, and impressive social skills to fool just about anyone.
The night went well, as always – she'd managed to snag the attention of a handful of people, consisting mostly of young men who were a little drunk and a lot sex deprived. They were targets that were too easy – all she needed to do was memorise their faces, corner them later on and flirt them silly. She'd drop a hint, and off they'd go to somewhere with, er, a little more privacy.
Yes, it was the 'screw and shoo' tactic. A dirty game, but a dirty game Rin loved to play. What crazy person didn't enjoy the sound of someone moaning in pleasure under their influence? Honestly, there was more to sex than just the orgasm – which she rarely experienced, anyway. Harnessing the godlike power to have someone writhe and jizz under your control was all she needed.
Knowing that someone wanted her to pleasure them was all she needed.
The first victim of her game, an unusual character with bright red hair and an… interesting outfit. He was in his first year studying art – which explained his very much unique appearance. In a way, he somehow reminded her of Len; whether it was his personality or looks or otherwise, she couldn't exactly pinpoint what made them similar.
Then again, thinking of your brother of all people while trying to give a guy some blow-job wasn't exactly the best thought. Uh.
Other than that, the guy wasn't a dirtbag, much to her delight. He was eccentric, but not unpolite. He even asked first that it was okay to go anal—a rare spectacle, Rin mused—most guys would just shove it all in without even making a simple mention of it.
Anal wasn't usually her forte, but since he was just so sweet about it, she let him have it.
The game was going well. It was going really well, until –
"Hey, where are you going?" He'd grabbed her wrist before she could escape to find her next victim.
Rin felt her cheeks grow warm. "To get a drink," she lied.
"Oh." Like he was aware of her other intentions to run away, he asked carefully, "Could I have your number? I really like you. It'd be great if we could catch up later."
There was a split moment of panic as the conversation was heading in a direction she didn't want it to. But she quickly gathered herself before he could notice and settled with, "Um, sorry. Even though you're a really lovely guy, I'm not really interested in a relationship at the moment. But I can still give you my number?"
The brutal truth turned him off immediately. "Er, no. It's alright. Never mind. Have a nice evening."
And off he went.
Rin sighed to herself. What was with the random guys who wanted to be normal and in a proper relationship with her? Clearly, if she was looking for a boyfriend, she wouldn't be so keen to suck a dick on first sight.
Psh. Boys.
From that point on, if she had to draw a graph of this night, the line would gradually decline from 'Really Good' to 'Well, Fuck This Shit'.
The second guy – well, he seemed pretty okay at first. He was a foreigner from England, studying Japanese and teaching – he seemed rather passionate about his future occupation. He was cute, in a geeky sort-of-way; hiding amber eyes behind thick glasses and a lengthy blonde mop of hair.
He was well-mannered and a little hesitant to jump into bed with Rin at first, but she managed to convince him that it was a great idea.
Oh, God, if only she knew what she was getting herself into.
After cumming all over her stomach, the boy looked into her eyes very lovey-dovey to ask, "Say, would you like to go on a date next week?"
No, no, no. Nononononono.
Rin could admit there was a guilty pang in her chest when she let him down – before reminding herself that agreeing to a date would be a very bad idea. Nevertheless, he wasn't too happy about the news. (Well, were they ever?)
You see, her disinterest in ever having a serious, romantic relationship was a thing that had started when she was very young.
Growing up in a household where love hardly existed, eventually she couldn't bare the thought of true love or a happy ending. It was all petty lies. It was all false hope to fill the minds of the weak. Love made her want to vomit – it was something she'd dreamt of in the past, and the past only. After seeing it in such an unpleasant way for most of her life, how could she ever manage to experience it herself?
She was never taught how to return feelings to another person – she'd never seen it happen with her own eyes as a child. It only was something that existed in fairytales – romance itself was dead, impossible. After all, it was better to be wanted for pleasure, rather than have your heart crushed in the hands of someone else, right? It was so much easier to do this than have to fall in love with someone.
It was so much easier. She didn't trust anyone with her heart—a fragile ornament, so easily to break yet so difficult to fix again—so she would guard it like this, keep it safe.
That was why she did it. But people never really understood her tactics.
Her third, and final, victim was a music student who dreamed big over his rock band hitting mainstream.
At first, he seemed to be a little prude, hesitant to take her flirting seriously. However, that image soon changed – after finally coaxing him to follow her and finding a secluded place, he essentially started dry-humping her.
The bastard, though. It was at least three times he tried sneaking himself into her butt. How hard is it to get the message? There was only so much buttsex a girl could take. Grow some manners, sheesh.
Other than that annoying thing, he seemed mighty pleased with everything else. He must've been saving up for the zombie apocalypse or something, because five thrusts into the real deal, he exploded like Pompeii all over her.
She needed to go to the bathroom to sponge her clothes and hair clean because he seemed to have no courtesy to keep himself in one place, or at least aim away from her. It was like a chocolate fountain – a never ending flow of hot, sticky stuff. (Besides the fact that it tasted of salty sadness, rather than sweet goodness.)
Before Rin had made her escape to fix herself up, though, he stopped her with his hand.
"That was amazing," he said. "Would you like to go out for dinner and do this again sometime?"
The look in his eyes told her something she did not want to know.
That. Was. It.
"Er, I don't do dates," she admitted honestly, tired of making white lies. What was the worst that could happen? She was being honest. "But I don't mind occasional hook ups, if that's what you're asking for?"
Apparently honesty was not the best policy, this time.
His expression turned into a scowl, behaviour going sour. It was like he was Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Alarm bells started ringing in her heard.
"Oh, I see it now," he murmured, looming over her, voice low and menacing. "You're a slut. You were just using me as a live sex toy, huh? Stupid bitch."
Rin was taken aback by his sudden change of attitude – but it wasn't like this hadn't happened before. Nevertheless, she felt herself grow hot—not in the sexual way, either—it was like a bubbling, boiling sensation, sourcing from the pit of her stomach, ready to let loose.
She swallowed thickly, taking a steady breath, reminding herself to act calm. "A slut? Well, maybe I am. Maybe I am a slut. But at least I can admit to it."
His eyes flashed, and though her senses dulled with alcohol, something told her to run, run, run.
So she did exactly that.
Fleeing the party from a crazy guy was not exactly her planned exit for the night – but it was better than a head injury or something along those lines. It wasn't the first time she'd ran for it, anyway – she was getting quite good at hasty exits.
Just another runner like your father.
Rin's hand paused as she hovered over the door handle to the apartment, hearing the sound of the television running. An advertisement jingle shook her from her daze like a ghost of a memory she didn't want to remember. She immediately felt her blood run cold. The adrenalin from her previous panic drained out, slowly being replaced bit by bit with the familiar feeling of dread, like a game of tetris in her body.
The watch on her wrist read the time: 1:46.
God. What was she doing awake, anyway?
Well, she knew the answer all too well, but she didn't want to admit it.
Inhaling shakily, Rin inserted the keys into the door as quietly as possible, hoping that maybe somehow by a miracle, the wretched woman would be asleep or wouldn't hear her come in.
She had the door open about a quarter of the way before a shadow loomed in the hall before her.
Shit.
Her mother's aged face appeared, illuminated by the streetlight just outside. She folded her arms over her chest, lips pressed into a thin line, eyes narrowed so much that they could just about melt steel beams.
She was cornered.
"You're late," the woman finally stated. "Do you know what time it is, Rin? Do you know?" She reached out to grab her wrist firmly, twisting it around roughly to shove the watch into her daughter's face, who winced in pain. "It's almost two o'clock. This is the third time this week you've come home this late. What have you been doing? I can smell alcohol and sweat on you."
Rin tried to steady her breathing, but all words failed her.
"Guilty. You can never fucking answer me, you disrespectful child. I know what you've been doing – don't think I'm an idiot because I can smell it all over you. How dare you think you're welcome in this household when you've been slutting around all night, trying to give me a bad name – how dare you?"
Did you ever think, she mused, you were the one giving yourself a bad name?
But oh no. She was never the one in the wrong. Never. Ever.
Her mother's grip didn't loosen – if anything, grew even tighter, her nails digging into her skin. "That's all you're good for, I suppose, aren't you, Rin? Just like your father. Fucking useless. You're a prostitute and you're only 16! Why, why did I ever have a daughter like you? So ungrateful, so useless, so filthy!"
Why, why? Why why why? I'm not a prostitute, I swear I'm not – why? I'm just never good enough for you. I'm always just useless to you.
Rin swallowed hard, avoiding her eyes, and that was when she released her arm to grab a fistful of hair and tug it – hard.
"God, someone might as well think you're homeless – why don't I just kick you out right now, hm? I could – I could indeed, I don't know why I'm keeping you here," the hag spat.
Why don't you just get rid of me, then? she wanted to challenge, but her tongue was heavy in her mouth; dead, as it always went when it came to the never ending flow of compliments her mother seemed to say.
"You're lucky I'm a good mother who offers you a home to sleep in, eat in – but god, you're so ungrateful you're never here anyway. You only come home when there's nothing left for you out there. You only come when there's no more boys to lay, huh?"
Good mother? In what way are you a good mother?
Rin didn't realise she'd said those words aloud until the grip on her hair released and something hard smacked into her face. She stumbled, a hand moving to her stinging cheek where her mother had just returned the favour.
Her vision blurred, and she blinked back tears. She had to get out of there – get away from the monster.
"You bitch!" the woman screeched, and she reached out to grab her again, to hurt her again, but she dodged her hand and tried to slip past her in a desperate attempt to run to her room. "Don't you dare think of walking away from me, young lady! Come back here! You always run from the truth!"
Something gripped onto Rin's shirt and she swung around to slap it away.
"Leave me alone!" she exclaimed, her throat raw. Her heart was pounding. God, she felt like she was going to detonate like a bomb and obliterate everything in her wake – Mum and all.
Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here.
"I could kick you out!" her mother yelled. "I could kick you out and take your keys and never let you in again! You know that – I'm the one in control, here!"
She was following her down the hallway, like a persistent kid wanting to pick a fight. The argument wasn't over – oh, it would never be over.
Rin slammed her door shut behind her and locked it, moving her chest of drawers in front just in case the crazy lady would try to axe her way in.
"You better not come home with a baby one day, you slut, because I don't fucking want it," she continued from outside, as if the door wasn't a reason to just give in for once. "I never wanted bloody babies in the first place, anyway. I never wanted you or your brother. I hate you – I hate you both. You're nothing but a waste of money and time, Rin. You're useless. You mean nothing to me. Next time around, I won't let you in. You'll have to fend for yourself."
You're useless. You mean nothing to me.
"I know, I know, I know," Rin whispered to herself, blocking her ears and squeezing her eyes shut, attempting to escape this horrid place in her own mind. As if she didn't live every waking day worrying about returning home to find that she'd been locked out and left to fend for herself. "But it's not like you're perfect, right? You're a fucking hypocrite."
Every time you say this, though – every time, and you'll always let me in again to tear me down and put yourself up on a pedestal.
It was a never ending cycle. She needed her there to crush beneath her foot, otherwise she'd be left alone to fight against her demons herself. And God knows what would happen – God knows.
Was she even human? Did she ever stop and think how much it hurt to belittle another person? What did she gain out of this, even?
Rin could never understand. She would never understand.
.
2014/09/17. Time: 1:59AM
'S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY
Today…
The last thing I ate was:
The last thing I drank was:
The last person I talked to was: her
The last thing I did was: be useless
Prompt #3: What are 30 things that make you smile?
im useless, this is why i was stuck with her. no one loves me, im so useless, this is why len has forgotten about me, this is why im such a disappointment to everyone
useless
please someone fucking hit me with a car for the love of me just get me outta here
Rate your current state of happiness out of ten: (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)
Comment on your rating:
Tips towards being mindful:
1. Observe
2. Describe
3. Participate fully
4. Be non-judgemental
5. Focus on one thing at a time
Have a mindful day!
(insert blinking guy gif here)
It's 1:30am and I just astral-projected back to April 2016.
I should probably sleep now because I don't like being awake at 3am. I read too many r/nosleep stories to Kill My Emotions in summer break. The things you do to become (Lincoln Park voice) numb.
