A/N: I know I am terrible about not updating my other stories and for that I apologize but I had to play with this one shot plot bunny. Angsty. Deals with the aftermath of Tess holding Natalie.

Toughest Part of the Day


Natalie: I'm going to miss you so much.

John: Hey, you know, we were friends before. That should mean something, you know, the way that we were always there for one another.


He doesn't pray, he knows the words but he doesn't pray. Instead he tells himself that none of this is real. If he drops to his knees and starts to bargain away his useless life then it's really her in that hospital bed.

He just let her slip through his fingers. Didn't even notice, didn't see that all he had left was sand in his palm. Now the world is sharp and she is no longer a hazy memory, someone always there if he were ever to need a hand. And he hates himself, the self loathing so thick it nearly chokes him. He won't face himself, he can't, he has to be here now. Later John will deal with his own reflection, when he can stand to see it.

He wonders if she called out to him, if she thought of him during those months. Months. John rolls the word over his tongue and taste the bitter ash. For months she had been gone, disappeared down a rabbit hole, except there was no fairytale this time. There never was. Month for her, days for him. Ten days of searching, ten days earlier could have spared her ninety four.

He wonders how long it took before she broke. He almost didn't believe she could be broken, not really. She would fall and stumble and yet through it all rise back up. His Natalie. But she did. Ninety four days and she broke. There was no note written in muddy clay, naming everyone and saying how much she loved them. Only a smear of her own blood, two fingers that wrote out 'Sorry' on the coverlet..

Sorry? He is the one who should be sorry, not her. Never her.

"Leave." Her eyes are closed and yet her voice is steady.

"No." He couldn't if he wanted to, and he does not.

Her eyes open and he thinks again that this is not real. His Natalie burns, this girl is nothing but a hallow shell. She is thin, frighteningly so, brining her food became a liability Tess could not take. John wishes she would eat. He wishes that she would tell him to go to hell, wishes that she would scream and yell at him to just get out, something, anything to put that spark of life back in her eyes.

She is tired, too tired to fight with him. And that's the whole point isn't it? She doesn't want to fight anymore. They can pretend it was only desperation from being trapped that led to a shattered glass lamp being drawn across her own flesh but she has no such lies to comfort herself with. "I don't want to do this."

"This?" John swallows hard, her words a jagged pill. "I don't want to do this, Natalie. I want to take off those restraints and take you to Rodi's for a burger and fries." And there is a plea in his sapphire eyes, begging her to agree, to be his Natalie again, full of life- not this hollow girl in front of him.

"Please." And the desperation in her voice makes his heart break for her. "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. It's all just too hard." Tears come hard and fast, pouring down pale cheeks.

And she is in his arms. "It will be okay. It will be okay." He repeats- a mantra to comfort himself as much as her. And he tells himself this is just a bad day, just a really bad day. He tells himself if just stays it will be okay, they just need to make it through, just one more storm, one more fight. He kisses her head, holding on to her as if she is his lifeline. "It will be okay." He won't let it be anything else.

-End-