Disclaimer: I don't own Ruroken, nor do I own the song, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman", which the title is obviously based on. I do own the little kitsune… not that anyone would really want to admit to that…
Man, I Feel Like a Woman
Chapter 1: In which Hiko learns that some girls are scary…
The sun was setting, streaking the horizon with reds and golds over a inky purple palette. A soft, cool breeze blew through the trees, gently swinging the branches, rustling the leaves and making them whisper soft secrets to each other. There was a hint of dampness in the air. A darker grey on the opposite horizon. A storm was on its way… but it would be awhile before the winds picked up and the gentle whispers turned to howling gales.
The great man sat before a small ruddy fire, periodically adding a few dry sticks, trying to kindle it enough to warm his sake. It was going to be a cold night. He needed something warm inside of him to deal with it. A few stray sparks danced up into the sky as he poked at the small fire with another, longer stick, trying to make sure that all of the kindling burned. It was taking a long time. He was getting impatient. His drink of choice sat beside him, beckoning him to take just one small sip. He refrained. One small sip meant the bottle would be empty before the fire was of any use to him. He poked it again in his irritation. A stick cracked and sparked as though voicing its indignant reply.
Kuso… He should have just used the kiln. It would have been trickier to time, and probably would have completely wrecked his jug, but as long as the sake was warm, he could always make another one. It wasn't as though he didn't have time. Kenshin was in Kyoto, but he had some issue with that wolf, Saito, that was going to delay him. God only knew how long the baka would be before he visited.
The wind picked up in a sudden cooler, stronger gust. It threatened his poor little fire that fought desperately to survive. The air was damper now, and there was a low rumble in the distance. The last golden glow over the trees on the western horizon had faded in those few moments to a dark velvet. There was another rumble behind him. The storm was advancing more quickly. If he didn't hurry, the rain would finish the job that the wind had started. His little fire dimmed a bit as though in anticipation of its imminent demise. He jabbed at it futilely, knowing it was pointless. He'd drink the sake cold. It put him in a bad mood. He was not the sort of man who liked having to change his plans.
He stood, planning on getting one last armload of kindling for one last valiant attempt, when he heard the first scream. It wasn't far off. He hesitated, unsure if he'd even really heard it. Another rumble of thunder had growled at the same moment, this time accompanied by a quick lightening of the distant sky.
There was no question about the second scream, though. It was much closer, accompanied by the sound of snapping branches as though someone or something were charging him.
He tensed, hand already brushing the hilt of his blade, ready to attack whatever the thing was as soon as it broke through the clearing. Hiko Seijuro, thirteenth master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu didn't flinch at the possibility of danger. In fact, he was used to all sorts of things… bandits, criminals, any number of dangerous animals. He lived in the middle of nowhere after all. Wild animals were not uncommon there, nor were stupid men. He was ready for anything.
What he was not ready for, however, was a young, half-naked woman to come tearing through the trees at a breakneck speed directly at him. Nothing was following her. Nothing was around, except for this crazy woman, who was so busy watching nothing behind her, that she didn't see the hulking swordsman directly in front of him until she had crashed into him.
The girl had surprising momentum for someone of her size, even moving at a full run. She stumbled. He braced himself, and her. She slipped anyway. And they both fell, kicking up so much dirt, that the fire finally gave up and went out.
He felt the sake bottle crush beneath them. His last one. He hadn't been angry until then. Now he was pissed.
"What the hell was that all about?" he shouted at the poor girl, dragging her up out of the dirt (to his credit, he at least had the tact to look away, as she adjusted her small arrangement of clothing). "You couldn't even look where you were going?"
She had been brushing the dirt off of her clothing, apparently unaware that anything unusual had just happened. The man's shouting drew her attention, causing her to look up at his hulking form with a look of complete bewilderment on her face. "I'm sorry… is something wrong?"
His eyebrow twitched, and his grip on the sword tightened. Cool it, Seijuro, he warned himself. Killing the girl, idiot though she may be, will not bring the sake back. Even if it does make you feel better…
She merely blinked up at him. When he didn't answer, other than the vein throbbing in his forehead, and the bizarre twitching of his eyebrow, she went back to brushing herself off. "Thank you for breaking my fall. Most kind. That oni was ready to take me out. I couldn't deal with it until I was in a clearing. The trees kept distracting me. Good thing you were here." She smiled up at him.
He was not smiling. "You barged into my clearing, destroyed my sake, put out my fire, and now you're babbling about some oni that no one but you can see… You dumped my sake… my last jug!" He took a breath. "What kind of idiotic female are you?"
She blinked up at him again. "I beg your pardon?" Gold eyes blazed in her pale white face. Black eyebrows arched, one almost, but not quite, mimicking the much larger man's twitch from earlier. She straightened up to her full height, which barely reached his chest. She didn't look the least intimidated. "I just thanked you. What more do you want? It isn't my fault that thing was after me. And it certainly wasn't my fault that you were stupid enough to have your sake sitting out where anyone could trample it. Be more careful next time."
She turned to stomp away, just in time to hear him growl, "Leave it to a damned woman to come barging in here and blame me for her disaster. It isn't my fault that you aren't strong enough to deal with your own problems without having to run to me for help. Next time find yourself a damned escort if you're going to go traipsing off through the woods. I'm sure there's a hundred young would-be swordsman that would find nothing more enjoyable than to walk around with a half-clad crazy woman in the mountains. Just try not to knock them off a cliff."
That was apparently the last straw.
He turned to stomp away to the shack and leave the miserable thing outside to find her own bloody way back to town only to realize that he wasn't able to move.
What the hell?
The girl was walking back toward him, here eyes glowing, sharp fox-like teeth visible as she sneered. "So, it's my fault because I'm female, is it?" Two soft, white ears poked out of her dark hair. There was a slight growl to her voice now. "I should find a nice, strong man to help me out… someone like you, I'd expect. Some pompous, overbearing mass of muscle who probably has no room left for brains in his head. Some self-indulgent, arrogant bastard who thinks he can say whatever the hell he wants just because he's big and strong and… and… male!" She spat out that last word as though it were poison.
Even he had to admit that she was one scary woman at that moment… even without being a kitsune. Even without magic, which she apparently felt the need to use on him now.
Kuso! He'd have sworn out loud, but apparently his mouth wouldn't move either. Perfect… he thought sourly. He had a bad feeling that he would be hurting. A lot. In a very short time. He managed to grit his teeth. It had better not cause bruising, that's all he cared about. There was no way in hell he was going to get any shit from Kenshin for having been beat up by a five foot tall girl. That baka had been waiting for years to hold something like this over his head…
The kitsune suddenly smiled a dangerous little smile, and approached him, her eyes deadly. "So, what am I going to do with you, hmmm? I could age you a hundred years. A little old man of that age would need a nursemaid to survive. Or maybe I could just add a few pounds to that powerful frame. Let you spend the next ten years having to work it all off before you'd even have the mobility to be a lady's escort… if you could work up the strength to lift yourself up." She smirked, clearly enjoying all of these delightful options.
Suddenly Hiko had a bad feeling that bruises and ridicule from his deshi would be the least of his problems. What the hell was this psychopath planning?
She was still musing, enjoying the worry she could see creeping into his eyes. "Or…" she started again, giggling. "Or I could just strip you of all those fine muscles… I wonder how long you'd last as a swordsman if you had my muscle mass!" She flexed her tiny bicep. There was a slight lump at the top of her arm. It took him a moment to realize that was her bicep. This was not good.
"Ohhh, I think I like that one. You'd be no stronger than me…" Then suddenly her eyes lit up in a way that brought a dark beauty to her entire face. Her lips curled into what was first a smile, and then switched to a gleeful laugh. "Oh, no… No, no, no, no, no! That's just too perfect! I love it!" She clapped her hands light a delighted child.
Hiko did not share her joy. Her joy brought the mental image of suddenly finding himself a fat, bruised old man with no biceps. It was an ugly image. Something he could maybe picture for Kenshin in about fifty years, if that Tanuki kept feeding and beating him like she so enjoyed. But not him… and certainly not within days of Kenshin arriving…
Kuso, kuso, kuso…
He didn't have much time to think on it though. The kitsune approached him, and standing on tiptoe, pulled him down a bit and kissed him gently on the lips. She smelled of wood and smoke and wild things. She pulled back and looked into his eyes. She looked so sweet at that moment… "You're going to wish you never met me," she purred, backing away.
He felt some kind of change almost immediately. And it hurt. It was like he were being pushed in and stretched out everywhere. It was fast, and stopped almost as abruptly as it had started. The moment the pain ended, he could move again. The moment he could move again, the kitsune disappeared in a fit of giggles. The moment she disappeared, Hiko felt his clothes start slipping from his body, starting with the heavy cloak, followed by his now oversized shirt, and rapidly moving downward. He grasped at his clothes, while swearing loudly and colorfully at no one.
That was the moment he realized what the kitsune had done. He stumbled backwards a few steps in dazed shock, slowly running his hand across his face, down his chin, his neck, his… his…
For the first time in his life, the powerful swordsman blushed.
"Kuso…" he swore, his soft voice clear and shaking just a bit. And in his very feminine body, he sunk to his knees.
This was very, very bad…
Author's Note: A little fun at the expense of Hiko... Thank lolo popoki for helping:P Hugs to all! (especially Hiko... er... Hiko-ette... who REALLY needs it right now...)
